| updates on my life |
| saturday, march 31st, 2003 well, it's been quite a while, hasn't it. sorry for keeping this page in such bad shape... i guess i'm no better at updating my page as i am in keeping in touch with old friends! don't worry, every once in a while, i get into this writing kick and i send various people gloriously long emails or letters that i never actually finish and thus never send. just be patient... you'll eventually receive something! anyway, to suffice for now, here are a few updates on my life spiritual, housing, school, relationship-wise... so sit back and relax... this is going to be a long ride... so, things have been pretty good lately. I HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE!!!! YAY!!! my roommate and i have found a fabulous 2-person apartment in the heart of downtown kingston! mind you, that's not saying much because downtown kingston is pretty much comprised of one street (princess street), but it's still an awesome location. it's not far from campus, and we really like the place. actually, i think i like it... i haven't seen it in awhile, so i don't completely remember what it looks like! anyway, if anybody wants to come visit me this summer or during the school year, you can come stay in my sweet bachelor(ette) pad!!! well, half bachelorette, i suppose, since grace is attached.... but that's beside point, what i'm trying to say is: COME VISIT ME!!! sheesh! what's with people not visiting us queens people? i mean, it's not THAT far away! and shouldn't it be reward enough to see me and my astounding beauty/wit/kindness/etc...? man, i remember when we first graduated from high school. everybody was like, "i'll come visit you sometime!" and then i, in return, would say "sure! that would be so much fun! and i'll come visit you too!" hmmmm... that sounds slightly reminiscent of the times in oac when i used to promise to visit my friends who had fast-tracked and stuff. (sorry eebs!) well, all i can say is that hopefully, it will be better next year. plus, since most non-toronto-uni residing people will be living off-campus next year, we could probably visit each other in the summer too! well, we'll see... in the meantime, do try to come visit me! i'll be done exams on the 23rd (eeew, bio is the last final!) so maybe we (i'm sending this out to the general public, not just anyone specific) can get together some time after then? just a thought... so, how else are other things in my life? well.. for a while, they were pretty crappy. i started having those "i-hate-people-and-nobody-likes-me-either" sort of moments, but things are considerably lighter these days. i'm just taking it easy, enjoying life as it comes along. i don't know, i think one major thing has been the fact that i've started a mini-resurgence in my spiritual life. ok, i'm going to come clean with you guys, i've been totally off-track this entire year spiritually. i never really went to church or fellowship, which was really strange because when i'm back in toronto, that's never an issue. i always want to go, and if something else comes up, i'd skip that to go to church. truth be told, sometimes i feel like the biggest hypocrite. i mean, here i am, spouting out my views on God, morals, etc. but i wasn't practicing what i was "preaching". Now don't get me wrong, i was never one of those types who'd get on a soapbox, but when people meet me, they're generally left with the impression that i'm a sweet, naive, good-two-shoes (where exactly did that expressiong come from?), conservative christian girl. and by present society's standards that might be true, but i felt like i wasn't living up to my own expectations. sure, i'm not a big partyer and i don't do drugs, smoke, etc. nor am i some sort of juvenile deliquent, but i've got so many shortcomings - i'm short-tempered, prone to sulkiness, and am extremely lazy - that i feel like people are thinking that i'm too good at times. the thing is that i want to be like what people view me as... i want to be a better person, more Godly i guess you could say. i mean, i'm put on this earth to be a witness for God - i want to be the sort of person you see and you wonder what's different about them. but when people do see me when i'm being petty or mean-spirited, that's not going to make them think that God's changed my life in any way. i want to inspire people, just like so many have inspired me, and it's so hard to do. so for the entire year, i've been off-track, and i could tell that something was wrong. i just felt, empty, you know? like something was missing in my life compared to the times when i was "on fire" for God. life was just a dull, dreary existence where i'd just get up, go to class, spend time with friends, do some work, and then sleep. i wasn't living, in the full sense of the word. i'd gotten so complacent and lazy (and also scared to do anything like go out on a limb), that i just let God sit on the back burner. it's not like i lost all of my christian morals and slutted it up or anything, i just let my relationship sort of slip away to the back of my mind. then one day, i was when i was walking past keith's room, he called me in and i found myself in a full-fledged discussion about christianity with him and a few other friends. listening to a few of them asking tough questions about my faith made me realise a few things: 1) that i really needed to do more "research" on christianity, there were so many things that i had no answers for (i didn't even know if there were any concrete answers for those questions), 2) i wanted to learn and grow more in my faith, 3) i needed more christian friends to act as a sort of support/accountability group, and most importantly 4) i still believed. even though i was in a rut, had so many tough, unanswered questions, and, thanks to myself, sometimes felt so distant from God, i still believed. during all of this, i was also going through the stress that was looking for a place to live! time was drawing short and there weren't a lot of favourable (and clean) places to live... we even considered living on top of "VIP Chinese Restaurant"! Let's just say that i was feeling mega-freaked out. Meanwhile, my parents -although concerned as they were- kept telling me "it's ok, don't worry, things will work out. just pray about it and trust God." now, as we learned in psych class, relinquishing control is never that easy. you always want to take these things on yourself, carry the burden, and make sure that it's "done right". but it just got to the point where i couldn't do it anymore, i was feeling so worried - seeing up to 6 places in a day (plus going to classes!) - that i had to just reach out and say "HELP!!!!" and you know what? the strange thing was that He did help. even though i was running out of time (school was ending in a month!), i felt calmer and relaxed than i had ever felt before. when we finally found the place that we're now going to live in, we just knew. witihin two hours of seeing the place (we literally ran back to rez, filled out the application forms, and immediately went back to find the landlord), we handed over a cheque. compared to our previous hemming, hawing and waffling (again, where did these phrases come from?), this was taking place at head-dizzying lightspeed! i felt so overwhelmed and light-headed (although that could have been because i hadn't had any breakfast or lunch yet...) that in the middle of our walk to find the landlord (who's a really nice guy, i must say), i had to just stop and pray about it. once again, i just took it up to God, and he just filled me with peace. what a nice feeling. i knew that we were doing the right thing - all our hardwork had paid off (plus we got a lot of exercise from all that walking!), we found the landlord, and then we got the place! that's the end of that! hmmm... housing, God, and housing once more... i think we've come full circle in this update/rant. oh! i did promise you a little thing about my love life (or lack thereof), didn't i? well, here it is: i think i'm falling for a friend of mine. (how's that for a teaser? if anyone actually reads this, i bet they're goin to bombard me with questions! well, you'll get no answers from me! yet. i still don't know. i don't even know if i want to know anytime soon. boys suck.) |
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