I have been noticing a subtle change lately in my mind. I have begun to get back to my sense of �definition of self�. Not that I had noticed the subtle change which brought me back to the state of underlying confusion or �disconnectedness� I have found myself in this last year. I suppose this journal has helped very much in this regard. From looking over and reading past entries I began to see the regression which has taken place. My focus had slowly shifted from many of the understandings and insights I experienced to more trivial �troubles� which I find myself in. By troubles I mean all the chaos and drama which I am surrounded by, primarily at work.
It is not only work however, but it is also the overall mentality of people in this area. I notice a definite change in my perception and level of clarity when I visit Morgantown and Washington D.C. It is as if the ambience of those places is vastly different from where I find myself here in Fairchance. Not to disparage anyone, but it seems in my mind as �somewhat backwards thinking�. Sort of like a low level or lack of deeper enlightenment. A close mindedness which encompasses a more self-oriented attitude among the people here. There seems to be more egotism, selfishness, intolerance of others and superiority based passions than what I was used to in Tracy or which I find in Morgantown or D.C.
I find myself sort of stunned sometimes at how often this is displayed and it is as if I must learn all over again how to see all sides of things due to this constant influence. Now I care very deeply for so many of these people that surround me, but I truly don�t know how to act when I witness them so entrenched in their own point of view that ugliness or nastiness becomes dominant. It is definitely different from the more laid back, overall attitude in California. Of course, there are plenty of those attitudes in California too, but not nearly so dominant as here.
A few things I have reclaimed:
1. My ability to choose my emotions. I may go to work feeling one way, but by simply focusing my thoughts on how I would prefer to feel and allowing myself the choice, I find that I can simply �change my mind� and focus on a more positive attitude now.
2. A greater ability of detachment from the more common negativities around me. My awareness of having regressed to a prior state of discontentment is helping me return to where I wish to be.
3. Clearer thinking. I find that I am still facing the same old barriers that were always there, but I had allowed others I thought abolished to creep back in. Probably due to my empathic nature and the constant environmental influences around me.
4. Compassion. It truly saddens me when I see and recognize those around me dealing with their struggles and getting trapped in the cycles of negativity.
So what can I do? I do not wish to come across as pompous or arrogant. I don�t claim to have answers for anyone, simply different points of view. But most of the people here don�t seem at all interested in a point of view that doesn�t agree with their own. So I usually just keep my mouth shut. People seem so touchy here. Say something they don�t like or even vaguely criticize them and they get so very defensive or fall to denial. It would seem so easy to make enemies here for the reasons I state above in paragraphs 2 and 3. It is mainly this constant struggle that makes me tend to be a loner by nature. I really can�t stand drama and hate the fact that I often allow myself to get dragged into it even more.
So, I know that leaving my job is the right choice, but will it be any better elsewhere? If I do end up working with the school system, working with a child, will I be able to provide a good mentorship? If I am to do that I need to hold onto my definition of who I choose to be and not let environmental factors influence me as I have been doing. I will also need to maintain my respect for other people�s right to choose the course of their own lives , regardless on whether or not I agree or disagree with their views. This last thing is often difficult for me. So many times people want to share their unhappiness or troubles and show an interest in changing things. But they will not allow themselves the power of making those changes. They so often take a victimization roll and feel powerless. And even in the few times when I have offered possible solutions they take no actions. It is as if they hate the state they are in, but fear changing it more since that is all they allow themselves to be familiar with. I fear that I often feel there is no good I can do, but only come across as being viewed as a hypocrite or know-it-all in trying. Mostly because I have allowed myself to regress to a more negative state than I have been at in many years. But I choose to again reverse this now. This is why I write this journal.
Somehow, there is the possibility of doing some good. Perhaps it is just the shifting of focus. I know that I have had many positive effects on people, just by being me. I also know that there have been some negative effects from allowing myself to �give in� to the negativities surrounding me. Somewhere I seem to have lost a part of myself. I think back to Van when I first started in the deli department. How she said I would change and not be so cheery over time spent there. Well, she was right. Somehow I allowed the change, despite vowing not to. I should have never went back after the first time I gave my notice. I knew then that things would not easily change. But I dared to hope. I even made some efforts by providing insight to some, and there have been subtle improvements but the progress just seems too slow to me and is more than I am willing to tackle or continue dealing with I suppose. Maybe I�m just plain wrong and I�m the one with the problems. Well, I will think more on it later. I�m tired of this line of thought for now.
One other thing to mention before I finish this entry. My current studies in Quantum Physics have raised questions in my mind concerning Astronomy. Specifically in the area of planetary magnetic fields, core heat and density, distance from their star and how these factors may affect habitability of life forms on those planets. I need to do some research on how a planet�s magnetic field is affected and what if any differences there are between a magnetic field and an electro-magnetic field. I find myself wondering how important a magnetic field is to the development of life and just how life forms are affected by them. I also wonder about interactions between gravity and magnetic fields of planetary bodies and stars. It is an interesting new line of thought I have come across and will be researching over time. I think I have a lot of reading to do in the months ahead! :-)
