Well, the countdown has begun. One week from tomorrow I will be back in California on my vacation with Drew and Leah. I am getting pretty excited about seeing all my favorite places again. It will also be nice to see my friends again, even though only two of them have e-mailed me back after I sent them my Itinerary. What a bunch of Butt heads!
It is also getting close to my last day at Shop N Save. I have four more days this week to work, then my vacation and four days when I get back then I am done. My last day is July 3rd and I don�t plan on going back to work anywhere until late August or Early September. The most dominant possibility is going to work for the School system, working with special needs children. I haven�t given it a great deal of thought yet, but all in due time.
Around the house it is all coming along fine. I have done a lot of work already in the yard. I have built up the log pile/fence around the back snag and begun my stone wall in the front yard which will allow me to level the yard like I want. Mostly I just need to go out and find some good sized rocks to finish it. Then of course I will have to buy one or two truckloads of dirt to fill in the depression all around the big pine. This will of course stabilize the tree better and make it easier for me to mow all around it without worrying about bending the mower blades on the many roots which are above ground. I haven�t worked much on the pond lately as I have run out of cinder blocks. I used all I have early this spring and need to get more before I can build up more of the outer wall. I think I will build up the outer wall first and then work on the interior Island. Then I plan to start mortaring it all in with perhaps a silicon/cement mix for better water containment. I will have a couple of small water vents however so that some of the water can seep into the Island area and the two Cattail sections I plan to build into the outer wall. Of course, all this will take a few years, but it�s nice to have something to work on over time. I think I may be sort of disappointed when it�s actually finished because then I will have to think up some new project.
My state of mind is better mostly except at work. I really have come to nearly despise work and am glad it�s ending. I know that it�s not really all that bad, but being exposed to the huge amount of ignorance every single day has all but shattered my tolerance. I mean, don�t people know that they have to communicate their wants and needs in order for someone to help them? It�s the little things that bug me. I mean, yesterday I was at the hot deli end. And in the whole day I only had two people tell me adequately what they wanted. People come up and say something like �I�ll take a slice of pizza.� Well duh people! There are THREE different varieties sitting there! What the heck do you want!?!?! I know it�s stupid, but day in and day out it drives me crazy! It just points to my disappointment in society. It was bad enough in CA, but here it is far worse. I nearly fall over with shock when the rare, well spoken person comes up and tells me exactly how I can help them. I know the problem is mine. I could simply ask them what exactly they want and not let it bother me, but what can I say? I am a perfectionist at work and desire organization and clarity. Is it any wonder I am a loner by nature?
Well that�s enough for now. I can�t wait for this week to pass. It will be so nice to actually be paid for a vacation for once. And this will actually be my first paid vacation where I actually GO on vacation! LOL
Tuesday June 29th, 2004: Vacation Rundown
Well here I am, Back in Fairchance. I had a really good time while in California, especially on Wednesday the 23rd. We went to Santa Cruz that day and I think that day went the smoothest. I enjoyed each of the days we were there, but Santa Cruz really stands out for me. I think what I most enjoyed from the trip as a whole was taking Leah to the various places she wanted to go that were featured in her favorite movie, Harold and Maude. I also really enjoyed the laid back, easy going nature there. I didn�t realize how much I missed it until we got back to PA on Monday night. It was as if a weight fell squarely on my consciousness and everything seemed �heavier�. As an example: In CA, you can talk openly with just about anyone on just about any topic. It�s as if there is an automatic acceptance of people�s diverse nature. It sort of threw Drew off at first I think because he is so used to simply not talking about some aspects of himself in PA. But I think he saw that people in CA generally don�t consider such things a big deal like they do here.
The fact is, I was pretty joyful the entire time I was in CA. And then, when Drew, Leah and I got back and were eating at Eat N Park I found myself really bummed. I just find it so odd that Leah, whom I love quite dearly, was looking for Bi visibility patches, stickers, etc because she expressed the relative invisibility of it, and then once we got back to PA it was like she went right into invisibility mode when I simply expressed a gay aspect of myself at the restaurant. It was as if some sense of fear or over cautiousness engulfed her. Drew simply remained silent, he seemed uncomfortable to me as well however. It saddened me greatly that I felt as though I was not truly accepted by those I love. That for some reason, I was not supposed to express myself for who I am. It makes me even more distraught that these people I care so deeply for feel so solidly that they cannot be their complete selves with those who are important in their lives. How sad it seems to me that they seem to live in such a state of fear that their own families don�t really know who they are.
And now, I will always have in the back of my mind, the thought that I may be expected to watch what I say at times. For example, what kind of position would I be in should I meet Leah�s parents and they ask me how I met her and how we got to know one another? I cannot lie. Do they even know about the groups she is involved in? I certainly wouldn�t want to make Leah or her parents uncomfortable, but I cannot as well betray my own beliefs of living by Truth. And the same goes for Drew. His dad has expressed an interest in me helping him out with some things this summer and I have been invited to some of their family functions, but I have refrained thus far from any interaction simply because I don�t want to complicate things for Drew by simply being who I am and expressing myself. It might be as simple as his mom asking me if I ever considered getting married. I would be myself and tell her that I would have to first find the right man and then either wait for gay marriage to become legal or move to a state where it is. And then a whole can of worms is opened. It is all so sad to me really. I mean, it�s not as if they don�t already know. It�s just one of those things you don�t talk about. Depressing.
Sometimes I think it would just be better if I didn�t interact socially at all in such cases. It just frustrates me terribly that so many people I know want to be accepted and be out and open, but they are so afraid, uncertain or just don�t have enough self worth to face the possible and likely initial discomforts of such a step. So they simply go on in a half hidden existence. Never giving the gift of grace a chance. Too afraid of losing something they don�t even really possess to begin with. Ugh, well enough of this line of thought. Too depressing!
So all in all I guess you could say my trip was both good and bad. Good because I was able to see most of my friends, visit places I love and share new adventures with some of my favorite people. But bad since upon my return, the source of much of my unhappiness has crystallized so clearly for me to see and affected me deeply. I just don�t get it though. What are people so afraid of? <sigh>. Oh well, just more life to live I guess. It can�t all be California sunshine. There�s gotta be a little rain sometimes. :-)
