So many thoughts, so little order. Confusion is something that plagues me at times. I have read, watched and experienced so much in my life that often times things get all jumbled up when I try to communicate with others. I find myself mixing up facts or definitions of �not so familiar� concepts or words and must seem sort of silly to some. Ah, well, there goes my image and reputation of being a super genius! :-)
I�m not sure what it is lately, but I just can�t seem to find any direction or definite path to follow. Nothing new of course, but it seems that the old restlessness of not accomplishing anything in this life is haunting me again. I just feel like all the daily grind is so very pointless, but for the life of me I can�t think of anything which will alleviate that feeling. I guess it�s just my old �gypsy blood� boiling again and wanting to shake things up. It�s strange, I love having roots and a home, but the inactivity just sort of drives me nuts at the same time. It�s like I am a bird in a cage, but the cage door is wide open. I could fly out whenever I wanted to, but don�t for the life of me know where to go!
The one thing that I do to keep insanity at bay is to exercise my imagination. I fantasize all the time, every single day. And no, not about sex, though sometimes I do, but mostly about everyday common things. Meeting people, walking in the woods, falling in love, being old, having various different jobs, even dying. I will watch a show or read something and imagine in great detail what it would be like to be in that situation. I have done this all my life. Perhaps this is part of the reason why nothing seems to phase me. I am never shocked at anything and I fear even less. And though I often get annoyed (only with people), I can�t say I get angry.
In fact, yesterday I got a letter from some studio in Southern California asking if I would be interesting in performing in porn movies. Strange I thought, but I was not shocked. I instantly began wondering how in the world they would know about me. They said I was referred by someone, but who? I haven�t been intimate with anyone for 15 years (well, except for a bit with Matt in 2000, who did work at a San Francisco sex video store). I guess it is possible that Jim (my ex) may have referred me, but how would he know my current address? As I understand it he was approached by a porn studio after he and I broke up. Whether or not he pursued it I would not know, or even if he actually was approached for that matter. Regardless, I have no plans to pursue such endeavors and though I found the letter curious and amusing, I threw it out. It is probably just some scam thing anyway and they probably got my address from some obscure mailing list or something. Oh well, what a world, huh?
Another cool thing that happened this month is that I got to meet an online friend from the JasonGuy.com boards. I drove to Philadelphia and met Rebecca and her family and spent the day at their house. It was a wonderful day and they are all really nice. Your typical, all-American family. Each of them so very interesting as individuals and a very talented bunch. Thomas showed me his claymation video he made, Becca�s mom paints, her dad loves to garden and Sarah dances among other things. I only briefly met Aaron and Michael, and her youngest brother Matty is a very sweet soul who is challenged with Autism. I found that I could relate very well with this wonderful group of people and hope to visit again with them. :-)
I am also planning on visiting another of the JG board members on my trip to CA and yet another this summer who lives fairly close to me up north. Though I have never met these people in person, they are all very real to me and I consider them friends. Just as I considered Mira from the Netherlands before we got to meet in California a few years back. I think it�s nice to get to know people on a mental and emotional level before meeting them face to face. It adds a note of depth that you just don�t often get when you see someone in real life and then get to know them while being in their presence. So much of a person�s appearance seems to influence our thoughts of them in this culture. I guess I like getting to know a person better first through their thoughts and feelings than their physical appearance and body language. But, that�s just me.
Ah well, I just wanted to make sure to get something down for this month. Sort of a summary I guess. Hopefully I will be motivated more often to write things down in the future.
