I now enter in these pages my latest thoughts. Since I have found God I have been struggling with myself concerning my sexuality. I have been so concerned with my desires and not falling to them, that I have in a sense become somewhat of a social hermit. I have avoided most temptation by not acknowledging it. I have nearly eliminated all external risk, but with that I have also given up most personal victories regarding the subject. No challenge, no growth.
I started thinking how my situation is actually no different from those faced by any Christian seeking to follow God. Obviously even straight men are tempted. In fact, I figure that I�m a little better off than them in a way. Since Gay people tend to be somewhat invisible, the chances of me being naturally tempted are statistically less than those of most straight men. But perhaps then, an opportunity that presents itself might be more dangerous in my case. Since straight men must deal with it more frequently, they may be a bit more desensitized than I. In other words, fewer opportunities making each one more intense or pressurized. This observation may however be inaccurate.
Which brings me to another thought. I remember several times telling people that you must be true to yourself. That you must strive to be the person who you are. I held to the philosophy that you must accept all aspects of yourself in the spirit of complete Truth and act to improve yourself in the things you wish to change. Good advice I think. So now I must ask myself. Have I been True to myself? Well, not exactly and not completely. I have been trying to solve the problem of my desires by avoiding or ignoring them altogether. Has it been working? I must say no. I am not saying that I must embrace my passion (though it isn�t all that strong), and fall into sin however. I do feel that I should not deny the challenges though. If I continue to suppress my desires completely then they may build up until one day I may not be able to control them and they shall consume me. This is what I have dreaded.
Some say that eliminating the �root� kills the blossom of temptation. But what is really the root of my problem? Well, I feel that it is no different than that of any other person. So my proposal is this. Do not avoid situations which put you at risk. Rather, face these challenges with your belief in God strong in your heart.(*1) When tempted, set your mind to him and stand True to your convictions, no matter the personal cost. No amount of personal gain or avoidance of humiliation is worth your soul. Do not seek out these challenges, for they will come on their own. But in a like thought, do not avoid them altogether. To prove the worth and durability of something it must be tested, and our faith in God is no exception.
I come to the conclusion that to associate myself with other gay individuals is not a sin. To indulge in lurid talk of sexual desires and to entertain such thoughts is a sin. If a heterosexual group can interact with each other without engaging in sinful acts then it stands to reason that the same must be True for homosexuals. I feel that I should not avoid those situations. It�s about the same as a straight man avoiding all women. Put in those words, it sounds quite ridiculous.
With this newest train of thought, Like all others, comes a whole set of new questions. I will save them for later. I think the only way for me to help others to see God�s place for them is to get in there and tell them how he has changed my life for the better.(*2) I believe that I am as much an instrument as anyone to serve God�s will. I only hope my faith holds strong in the challenges ahead. I feel that there will be many difficult situations in the future, but perhaps through my faith and by the example I set, others, gay or straight, may come to see God�s place for them.
~FIN
*1. Refer to I Corinthians 15:58 and Ephesians 6:10-20
*2 Refer to Colossians 4:3-6
Note: For a time I began the habit of footnoting the scriptures I had learned from when they applied to events in my life. Another example of how I have been guided in this life by God and the study of the Bible.
