The event I speak of is two parted. First is Helen�s attitude. My observation and belief, based upon my own perceptions and interpretations, is that Helen tends to be very selfish at times. My own opinion is that this makes her very stubborn and very headstrong. (For the record, all I say here is made by personal observation, not in accusation. For it is not my place to judge.(*1)) This she proved to me by insisting adamantly at Sunday�s breakfast to figure five dollars that she owed me into the amount she owed for her breakfast. The result of attempting to combine the two separate transactions into one was confusing because one was figured in American currency, the other in Canadian. This was a complication since one dollar U.S. cash equals one dollar and thirty two cents Canadian cash. I showed Helen what she owed on the breakfast bill and she was going to pay that and I told her she could pay me the five dollars U.S. cash later. She insisted on paying me right then and there all in Canadian cash and refused to do it separately from the Canadian bill. We ended up arguing over the exchange rate. So, proving that I could be just as stubborn, I refused to do it this way. She stormed off angrily paying only her part of the bill. So ends the first of two parts to the story.
The second part is that of Doe�s reaction and/or behavior towards me. (Again, I stress that this is my personal perception only.) When I went to the room to gather my things I found the door ajar, Helen already gone and a ten dollar U.S. bill on my bed. I gathered my things and went to pay the hotel bill. Doe was in her room so I stopped there. I figured we could go down and pay at the same time. When I saw her, she stated to me that Helen left some money on the bed for me. I told her I already found it. Having been given no indication of Helen�s current state of mind and believing our petty squabble to be of little consequence (since we always argue), I stated to Doe jokingly that I had made five dollars from that argument. Her next statement caught me totally by surprise. As near as I can recall she said, �I don�t know what happened, but Helen came up here in tears. Whatever it was, I think it�s sad it was because of five bucks!� (These are not her exact words, but the gist of it.) It was not WHAT she said that troubled me, but the WAY she said it and the INTENT behind her words. I did not reply to her statement.
My first reaction was to stop and replay in my head what had just occurred to better understand it. I have found this practice extremely useful to prevent escalating anger or resentment, and it helps to prevent me from making an even bigger fool of myself in many situations by not responding out of immediate emotions. Now in my discernment Doe spoke those words with the intent of instilling a sense of guilt in me and those words dripped of venom. In my own understanding and belief there was little doubt of her manipulative attempt. My first reaction would have been to defend myself by laying into her. I would have said in the very same nasty tone she had used that by her own admission, she didn�t know what happened and that she had no right to pass such judgment on me without knowing the facts.(*2) I would have told her that what happened between Helen and I was our business and to keep her nose out of it. I would have spoken out in my anger as she did, only making the situation much worse. Looking back now, I am glad Jesus has shown me a better way. By not reacting with my immediate emotional response as I may have done, a potentially disastrous argument was averted and the wedge of resentment, which works to split relationships, sank no deeper.
Now in retrospect of the situation, and after meditating on this all Sunday and most of Today, I can see many consequences to this event. One being most important for me to understand. It will be the last one I discuss. These are my observations:
First, I will list the things I feel are positive. The first of these is the concern Doe showed for Helen�s feelings. Although I disagree with Doreen�s method of verbally attacking me and not showing the same regard for my feelings, I could see through that. In this action she displayed loyalty and concern for her sister, regardless of their own arguments in the past. This is something I find quite commendable. The other positive factor is that this encounter has given me the opportunity to understand two people a bit better who are very important to me. I have come to believed that it is through life�s difficulties that we make our most important advances. If not for adversity, we would have no reason to grow and improve the quality of our lives.(*3)
Now for the Negative aspects. I must concern myself with the possibility that this event has the power to build resentment. I am not concerned for myself, because I have learned for the most part to put my emotions into proper perspective by meditating on their significance. I only hope others can do the same. And now for the most significant revelation. After my skirmish with Doe, I found myself INTENSELY angry. Her sneering remark of accusation made me angrier then I had felt in a great many years. So angry that I wanted to physically harm her. I imagined her in pain at my hands and was deeply afraid and concerned by this. For a moment, I saw my father in me. This is what troubles me most. I pray I never get pushed that far. I now feel that a dark part of my soul has been revealed to me. And whether or not my perceptions are accurate, this seemingly minor event has forced me to grow in understanding. The possibilities within me that are now revealed concern and frighten me, but I know that with God�s help I can face this demon and overcome it.(*4)
~FIN
*1. Refer to Mathew 7:1-2
*2. Refer to Mathew 7:3-5
*3. Refer to Journal Entry #1, II Corinthians 4:17-18 & II Corinthians 6:4-10
*4. Refer to I Peter 5:6-10
