Putty was this bunch of bitter old men. There were also two guys named Chris and Jon. But they were old too and they died. These guys could still remember their songs sometimes near the end of their career. If you insist on knowing more, here are the basic facts from the band's old FAQ. The band's 45-year-long career came to a sad end on December 23, 2004 when Keyboard Player finally succeeded in killing them all. God bless poor old Putty. R.I.P.


THE PUTTY FAQ ----------------------
1)Q: Was Putty really formed in 1835?

A: Sort of. There was a group of "performance artists" traveling the country in 1835. Legend has it that they became known as Putty. Considered artists in 1835, they would probably be considered homeless schizophrenics in modern society. The legend grew throughout the early 1900's and, like the early blues musicians, Putty became a big influence on the white English blues bands of the early 1960's. In fact, four of these musicians tried to claim that they WERE the original Putty of 1835. They were Rod Stewart, Eric Clapton, Mick Fleetwood and Elton John. However, the four members fought bitterly with one another and eventually split up to pursue horrible solo careers. Unable to watch his dreams collapse, Putty manager Faron Crush assembled a new line-up and tried to pass them off as the original band. The members were Sylas Melanoma, Marky X-Ray, Ben Mecher and Chris Carr. Chris got out of the scam easily because he was black and no one believed he was Elton John. He was replaced by Lower-case Jon. Faron briefly augmented the group with a keyboard player named Keyboard Player and a female vocalist named Kathy Endtime. Then they hit the touring circuit. After touring for several decades and releasing 27 albums (all of which have mysteriously gone out of print), Jon left the band after he successfully proved he had written the theme song to "Green Acres". He retired a millionaire. Keyboard Player has suffered serious mental problems and has been in and out of court and prison for most of the past decade. His biggest claim to fame was his romantic link to Alanis Morrisette. He is believed to be the inspiration for every song on her breakthrough LP, "Jagged Little Pill". No one knows what became of Kathy Endtime, but rumors continue to spread that she is Avril Lavigne in disguise. Chris Carr has been performing in Las Vegas as an Elton John impersonator. Faron Crush has been spotted at several of his performances, claiming to be the real Elton John and booing him. Sylas, Ben and Mark have continued on with the band, now playing with "Silky" Jeff, a one time roadie for George Michael back from the "Faith" days.

2)Q: I heard that Courtney Love published Keyboard Player's diaries. What's the story?

A: We were going to print the full story but Courtney's lawyers threatened legal action. K. P.'s journals were published, revealing a portrait of a very disturbed man. In between a series on nonsensical rants, he claims that he invented Aqua-Fresh, he once shat on a nun because "she wanted it", that the Thompson Twins were nazis and that he only feels sexually satisfied when he is constipated. He successfully got the book removed from shelves, but few stores actually wanted to carry it anyways.

3)Q: That's not good enough, damnit! I don't care if this isn't a question. I want the full story!

A: We are afraid of Courtney Love. We're not saying anything else on this subject.

4)Q: I heard that Ben Mecher used to free-style in the old days. Is this true?

A: In fact, Ben was the originator of the phrase "you can New Jack Swing on my nuts". Ice Cube incorporated this phrase onto his 1991 "Death Certificate" LP, for which Ben receives royalties. This gives him more street cred than everyone reading this combined.

5)Q: I heard that Ben Mecher used to freebase in the old days. Is this true?

A: Yes. Due to the statute of limitations we can discuss this. He tried to teach Richard Pryor how to do it, but he got confused.

6)Q: When will the album be out?

A: Their 28th album (which is being billed as their "debut") will be out by the end of the year.

7)Q: If I sleep with a member of Putty, will they still respect me in the morning?

A: Oh, absolutely! As a matter of fact they will fall madly in love with you and buy you everything you've ever wanted. So you should probably try to seduce them ASAP. (This rule applies to beautiful women--- preferably models--- ONLY!)

8)Q: Is it wrong to sleep with children?

A: Yes. Michael Jackson is a liar. Even Keyboard Player acknowledges this.

9)Q: If I have never done heroin before, yet I choose to shoot up three times as much as a hardened addict would after I have snorted 5 massive lines of pure Columbian coke, drank 2 gallons of Jack Daniels, poured rubbing alcohol into my eyes and set myself on fire, I'll have a really good buzz, right?

A: No. You will die. You are probably friends with Scott Weiland though.

10)Q: I heard that Sylas was the voice on the See and Say I had when I was five. Is this true?

A: No. That was Marky X-Ray. Except for the cow. That was Faron.

11)Q: I heard that a drunken Fred Durst offered Sylas his hand in holy matrimony. True?

A: That is true, but he doesn't like to talk about it. So don't bring it up.

12)Q: I heard that Elton John really IS Faron Crush. Is this true?

A: That is what Faron wants you to believe. But this is certainly not true. Just ask Chris Carr, who sees him at most of his Saturday night gigs.

13)Q: How come G.G. Allin's penis was the size of an infants' pinky?

A: He made the mistake of becoming Fred Durst's first wife. You can figure out the rest of the story yourself.

14)Q: I went out with someone I've been dating for 12 years last night. I don't normally do this sort of thing...but we kissed. They left a big hicky on my neck and I feel so ashamed. Even though I'm 36 years old, I'm afraid of what my mom might say. Worse yet, I'm afraid I might let it happen...again! How can I live with the guilt?

A: Clearly, the only answer here is suicide. How could you possibly have let yourself become so corrupted and evil?

15)Q: If I lather myself up really well in baby shit, is there a good chance that I'll get laid at a Putty show?

A: No. You're thinking of the Jonze.