Fanfic

Dom was worried about Kel. He spent almost all of his time with her, and it seemed to be she was calmer, more lucid when he or Shinko was around. Dom loved Kel � as did Shinko, as a sister � but he would never take advantage of her grief when she was vulnerable. He was a decent man, and wanted to take care of her, and help her through a difficult time. That was what Raoul knew and believed, and what he had told Jon.
And it was the only reason Jon hadn�t had Kel locked in irons and chained to her quarters in the palace to stop her from coming to Mindelan.
�She won�t stay behind, Jon,� Raoul had said flatly. After six months with Kel, he knew her quite well, and definitely better than the king.
�Is that a threat?� Jon had replied, turning frosty and majestic.
Raoul sat down in a chair. When he spoke it was quietly, slowly and with an incredible amount of sadness.
�It�s a fact. They killed her parents, her brother and a lot of people she feels responsible for. They could still kill her family, the only family she has left. She will not just sit back like a polite damsel and let us go help them.�
�How do you know? And she is a damsel � an unbetrothed, noble born, lady. How do you know she might not be relieved if we go, spare her the site of a ruined home?�
�One � you�re not going, the realm needs you too much. Two - because she�s also a Shang. Which means she�s been raised as a fighter, which means she will not stay out of this, no matter what you say.�
�She would risk treason?�
�Her family were massacred, by Mithros! I don�t think her loyalties are all that politically correct right now,� Raoul had replied, wondering if someone had slipped Jon stupid potion. He wasn�t usually this dense.
After a long moment, Jon also sat. �How do you know all this? Shinko told me she was still a bit, ah��
�Loopy, confused? She�s okay now, it was just shock, according to that healer � the one who never eats any vegetables. Neal, that�s it. Well, he�s in third company, our resident healer. He�s also one of her closest friends.�
�I see she�s spending a lot of time with your second,� Jon remarked. �Anything to worry about there?�
Raoul winced, wondering what to say. Jon was a friend, and his king, but Dom was also a friend.
Then Jon, the soul of logic, spoke up again. �Raoul, I need honesty from you. We are talking about sending a girl to her fief after it was butchered. I need to know all the information here.�

Raoul sighed at the memory, looking at the surrounding people. Third company, two rider groups and a legion of foot soldiers had been assigned by the King to retake Mindelan. When Dom had asked � bluntly - why, the King had replied that Mindelan was a foothold in the north Scanra could not have.
He had told Raoul, later that night, however, that he felt guilty. Mindelan had been weakened due to the generosity of the people there, and their willingness to fight for their country. It had been an easy target, and none of them had even suspected it would be attacked.
Dom and Kel rode with Buri, Alanna, Numair and Daine. This was another sign that Mindelan was a top priority. They were all needed everywhere on the front but had been assigned here.
Neal also rode with them, debating healing with Alanna. Numair and Daine discussed some arcane branch of knowledge, Buri and Dom talked about how Rider tactics compared to the Own�s.
Kel stared at the ground, her hazel eyes smouldering with anger and hurt. She wasn�t numb anymore, but angry � she took the fact that Mindelan had been attacked as a personal insult, and the deaths of her family cut deeply, Raoul thought.
In private, Raoul had asked the Wildcat if Kel was close to her family. He knew that Shangs were rarely in much contact with them. But Kel had returned home every summer, her parents had visited every Midwinter and she had stayed with them in the Isles for a year, before returning home. Kel hadn�t returned until two years later. Kel had always been closest to her mother, Eda had explained.

One week before -
�I�m worried, really worried now, Neal.�
�Dom, she�s been through a lot �� Neal had begun. Dom cut him off with the air of someone who had heard that explanation far too often.
�She hasn�t cried. Not once, except for when she found out. Not once.� Neal looked at him, not believing him. Dom wasn�t watching him, though. He was pacing up and down in front of him, concern in his eyes.
�She sits around, staring into space, saying nothing. She doesn�t even get angry � she just stares off into nowhere. Don�t tell me that�s normal.�
Neal suddenly understood. �She�s in shock. It�ll wear off, she�ll either cry � I suggest you be there when that happens. Either that or she�ll get angry. I really suggest you be somewhere else when that happens, if you care about your own skin. No matter which comes first, she�ll do both before she even begins to recover.�
�I�ll be there no matter what she does. She can bruise me black and blue if it helps,� he had said firmly, and his eyes had gone icy blue with resolve �Just do me a favour and watch her, alright?� he had pleaded. Neal was taken aback. He had known how Dom felt about Kel on an intellectual level, but seeing him now made Neal realise how hard he really had fallen for her.
�What do you mean?�
�As a healer. Watch to make sure she takes care of herself, that sort of thing,� Dom turned away and some bitterness entered his voice. �Something I can�t do.�
Neal had put a hand on his shoulder in an unspoken promise to the brother he had, then left Dom to his complicated thoughts.

Dom sighed, looking over at Kel. His cousin had been wrong that time. She had gotten angry, but nowhere near what anyone was expecting and no one knew why. She hadn�t cried � only becoming lucid again when the king threatened to stop her coming along. She didn�t seem angry at the Scanrans, or anything else, but the anger was in her eyes all the same.

Later that night they made a camp. Kel sat her tent up wordlessly, declined dinner and went to her tent. When Dom rose to talk to her, Neal shook his head and gripped his arm. Silence came over the small circle gathered by the fire.
Sighing, Neal explained slowly. �I�ll go � try another tactic. Don�t worry, I won�t hurt her.� With that, Neal stood and left.
�Let him go, Dom,� Buri said quietly. �He knows her almost as well as Shinko by now, and he�s not as much of a meathead as he makes out.�

Neal stopped just before Kel�s tent. �Kel, can I come in?� He had stopped to get two plates of food, both full to the brim, he was determined to make sure she ate something.
Kel opened the tent flap without a word and turned away as he walked in. She smelt the food and she turned. �What are those?�
�These, my dear, are plates of food. One of which you will eat.�

�What�s he going to do?� Raoul asked.
�Probably try and break the wall she�s put up. She�ll need you later, but when she gets angry, she needs someone who is a friend, only a friend. Someone she can hit and they�ll take it,� Alanna said quietly, remembering her own isolation after Jon�s coronation � with Thom, Liam and Faithful dead.
Dom nodded, resigned. �Someone who doesn�t confuse her feelings.�

When Kel protested, he held up a hand to silence her. �By order of your healer, Kel,� he said. Looking at him, pointing mulishly at the plate, Kel knew he would be stubborn about it and gave in.
Neal, in turn, noticed how thin Kel was minus the layers they all wore to shield against the cold. Of course, he thought angrily, she keeps up her exercises to keep her mind occupied, doesn�t go to the mess hall to avoid people � and she loses weight, a lot of it. How could we not have noticed?
How could I not have noticed?
He hid his dismay by tucking into his own food, noticing Kel did the same � wolfing it down ravenously. As a healer, he had been worried about Kel for days. She seemed tired, wan, and almost in a trance sometimes. He was trying a new way to try and fracture it.

Alanna nodded. �I thought Jon could�ve broken it to her better � he�s usually alright at those things.�
Raoul was glad to hear someone else voice what he had thinking. �He does seem a little dense recently. Even Thayet�s noticed it.�
�Well, he does have the entire northern border to worry about. And the conservatives aren�t giving him much peace lately,� Alanna replied. �I�m done in, how many more days �til Mindelan?�
�Two at most,� Raoul answered. �We�ll finalize battle plans tomorrow when we get a closer look at the situation.�
Everyone remembered their destination, and thought of the grim task to come as they headed to their tents.

I knew she was hungry! Neal thought, slightly pleased with himself as he watched Kel finish her entire plate within minutes.
As they sat across from each other, the silence lengthened and Neal tried to think of something to say, when Kel surprised him.
�I know why you�re here. Thanks, but I�m fine, really.�
�No, you�re not,� Neal replied. He had planned to be more subtle. �You�re hiding. Training more than you have to. Avoiding anywhere there�s more than ten people,� he said it flatly, as Kel stared at the floor.
�Trying not to think about it won�t work when it�s all around you � which is where we�re going,� He reached across the small table and put two fingers beneath her chin, and forced Kel to meet his eyes. More gently, he spoke quietly. �I�m your friend and what you�re doing worries me sick. I know it�s hard ��
Kel stood up and turned away. �What do you know?�
Neal stayed where he was, sitting on the tent floor. There had been a spark of emotion in her voice. He had gotten to her, made her angry. It was a small step, but a step.

Alanna had headed to her tent, which happened to be next door to Kel�s. Duke Baird, who had ridden in only minutes before, joined her to talk about the urgent shortage of healers in the north. Then she had an idea and told him they could talk better in her tent. Both of their reputation�s meant no one would think anything of it. Alanna knew Neal and his father weren�t all that close after the death of his two eldest sons.
Knowing they could hear what was being said next door � Alanna had learned tent walls were thin when she was much younger - they sat, listening to Neal trying to get through to his heartbroken friend, and was more proud of her former pupil than ever.
She listened because she was worried about Kel, but also because she wanted to know how Neal would handle the situation. Dealing with grief was one of the worst things about being a healer � but Neal was helping by being a friend.
Baird almost got up and walked out, but Alanna pulled him down with a glance that told him he needed to hear this, too. Listening to him, Baird realised what he had missed whenever he saw Neal. He was growing up at last, and growing up well.

�When my brothers were killed in the Immortals war, I thought I would never be alright again. Then I had to get on with Healing in the tents, had no time to think. All I could think about - all I had the energy to think about - was the next patient. Nothing else mattered. It didn�t even hit me they were really gone for weeks, I was too tired, too busy, to grieve until then,� he explained softly.
There was a beat of silence in the tent as Kel whirled around to face him. Kel could hide her feelings, but not from her eyes. Right then they were filled with pain, apology and anger. Something fell into place in Neal�s mind, something about the anger in her eyes that wasn�t anger.
�I�m sorry, Neal,� she whispered.
He waved that off � it�s all right - and looked at her again, trying to fathom what the loathing she felt was directed at.

Dom, in the tent on Kel�s other side, stopped, realising he could hear them talking. Remembering when the war was at its worst, when he had walked into a healer�s tent and found his young cousin, Neal tending a man lying on a pallet � there weren�t enough beds � swaying with exhaustion, grimly going from one bed to the next.
He had been shocked � Neal was too young to be at war, even in the tents. Especially not then � it was asking too much. Already his eyes bore the marks of a veteran, the world-weary expression only seeing the �kraken� could give.
During the war, they had all been too busy to grieve � when Dom had asked Neal if he was knew, he had simply looked up at him. The pain that flashed on his face had been almost too much to bear. Dom had been about to say something, anything when a messenger called him with an urgent message of another attack.
To the question in Dom�s eyes, all Neal had said was, �I�ll think about it when I make sure no one else has to,� indicating the rows of patients, many of them burnt out healers, that Neal, a third year healing student, barely fourteen, had to treat.
As Dom had walked past him, Neal had reached out and grabbed his arm, his hand shaking slightly.
�Be careful � you�re the only brother I have left,� in a voice dull with hurt and fatigue.

�I do know what it�s like. You can�t keep bottling it all up, Kel,� he pleaded. �Something�ll happen that�ll bring it all out, and it�ll only make it worse when that happens. It�s natural to be angry, even to hate the Scanrans for what they did.�
Kel looked away, pain in her eyes more pronounced. �It�s not them, they only follow orders in this war, like the rest of us,� she murmured.
Something about the way she said it pricked a memory of Neal�s, he had seen the same haunted look on his father�s face soon after his son�s had died.

Buri fought hard to blink away tears, hearing Kel�s pain as she talked to Neal, reminding her of her own childhood. Raoul took her hand, knowing she was thinking of her own mother and brother. Buri knew Kel would blame herself in some way�she just hoped Neal realised in time, too.

Neal stood and took Kel by the shoulders. �You couldn�t be there, that�s it, isn�t it? You couldn�t protect them? You think it was your fault?�
Kel looked away again, knowing her eyes betrayed her. A single tear ran down her cheek, and Neal felt her shaking slightly.
�I learned to fight - so, so I could help people. Protect people. How can I do that if I can�t even protect my own family?� Kel slumped to the floor of the tent, trying to ignore the tears, feeling anger rise within her.
As Neal knelt beside her, she lashed out and punched his chest when he hugged her.
�I should�ve been there, I should�ve done something �� Kel�s voice gave and she allowed Neal to pull her into a brother�s hug, her fists falling and simply holding onto Neal, crying honestly for the first time since her world changed.
Neal didn�t say a word, just let Kel cry against his chest � which hurt from her punches, but he would heal that later � and thought the other�s who were listening would be relieved.

Dom sighed, and thanked the Goddess for the Meathead, thinking that he would never call his cousin that to his face ever again. Getting up to go for a walk, he silently left his tent and walked down the small path to the nearby river, glad Kel was in safe hands, but depressed that he had failed to make them his.
She was better off without him around, just now.

Kel slowly looked up at Neal, slightly embarrassed that she had broken down so completely, and apologised. He laughed softly, and told her that that had been the point. For the first time in days, Kel could see a future, not just a long series of now�s she lived from a distance.
�Thanks,� she said when he offered her a cloth to wipe her face with. �And�thanks, Neal.�
He nodded. �That�s what friends are for, eh?�
Kel nodded, then thought of something. She lowered her voice, making sure the other tents couldn�t hear. �I should go talk to Dom, he�ll be worried. I� all I can remember of the past two weeks was Dom looking after me, keeping me a little grounded.�
Neal nodded, his voice as low as hers. �Yeah. But he won�t take the compliment � he did it because he lo� you�re his friend.� Kel blushed, knowing what Neal was going to say.
�He kept trying to talk to me, trying to help me, but I- I couldn�t let him see me cry. He would�ve thought I was, I dunno-�
�Not weak. Never weak, Kel,� Neal interrupted. �He lov � cares about you too much to think that.� Luckily, Kel was in her own thoughts and hadn�t noticed his slip of the tongue. �Human, maybe,� he teased softly.
Kel looked at the door, her mood lighter than it had been in two weeks, as though a little of her burden had been lifted, then got up and walked out to find Dom.
Neal smiled and left to go to his own tent, knowing Dom would take over with Kel now. It wouldn�t be the last time she cried, he knew, but she wouldn�t be alone anymore, so she could have hope for the time to come.

Kel knocked on the pole holding Dom�s tent up, and didn�t get an answer from inside.
�Dom?�
No answer.
Something in her made her need to find him, something she couldn�t ignore. For two weeks, he had cared for her, been with her as often as he could.
For two weeks, he had been all that had kept her from insanity, and she hadn�t known until now.
She couldn�t bear the thought that he didn�t know, either.

Neal headed to his tent to find his father waiting outside it. �I�m proud of you. Gavan and Darel would be, too.� He put a hand on Neal�s shoulder, looked into his eyes and left, leaving an astonished Neal, who couldn�t speak past the lump in his throat.

Baird entered his tent and sat down hard, finally letting go of the ghosts of his dead sons, and vowing to all the gods he wouldn�t lose the family he had left.

Kel walked through the dry leaves near the tree without making a sound. A tall figure leaned against the tree, watching the play of moonlight and cloud across its glassy surface. The shadows of the tree made only his pale skin against deep chestnut hair visible.
Kel stood in front of him without speaking, and didn�t protest when he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight, as though he had almost lost her.
He didn�t reply for a long moment when she whispered �thank you� against his chest.
�For what?� Dom said softly to her hair.
�Keeping me sane.�
�I didn�t do that,� he replied, puzzled. �It took Neal to do that.�
Kel pulled back to look him in the eye, startled to find she had to look up, something she wasn�t accustomed to, having outgrown even her fath- she stopped the thought and forced herself to focus on Dom.
�Yes, Dom, you did. Neal wouldn�t have been able to get through to me if you hadn�t looked out for me these past few weeks. You kept me � a part of me � bonded to the real world, from wherever I was,� she said in a determined voice that shook slightly, not allowing herself to look away from his very blue eyes.
Those eyes, normally laughing or full of mischief were serious, serious in a way that made a part of her shiver. That told her what he really felt, regardless of how much Neal covered for him.
She could feel his heart beating faster, or was that her own?
He wanted to kiss her then.
He knew it, she knew it, but he didn�t do it.
He simply pulled her close to him and held her.
�Give me time, Dom,� she whispered, and he could barely hear her.
�I promise. When you�re ready, I�ll be right here, waiting.�
�Until then�?� She asked, afraid suddenly. If she lost Dom now�
�Anytime you need a friend, I�ll be waiting.�