|
january 2004 saturday - january 31st, 2004 today was a weird day. just felt weird. started out okay. went to see a movie at Woodbine mall with my little friend. and i really don't like Woodbine mall. just gives me a weird feeling. i'm craving 'fudgeo cookies'. maybe i'll go out and get some. friday - january 30th, 2004 end of the week. end of my second week unemployed. i think a plan is starting to formulate. i hope. don't want to say too much, cause i always say stuff and then never follow through. had a bit of a fight with curtis yesterday. he called last night and said we need to get together and talk, on the weekend. bought 3 cd's yesterday. Tegan and Sarah, Teitur and Coldplay. more music. much more. watched the movie 'Go' yesterday evening. bought the tape at Walmart for $4.88. the movie was pretty good, interesting, weirdly funny. list of things to buy, when i finally have a job again: - 3 or 5 disc cd player - portable cd player - new aerobic runners i think that i'd like to get my life on track by my birthday, which is in march. that's what i'm hoping. i don't want to turn 31, and have another year go by, with me still having no direction. that's what i really, really, want. thurs - january 29th, 2004 my room is looking good to me. it finally is feeling 'decorated/designed'. a complete look. it's red with a tall birch dresser, dark brown comforter and two birch shelves directly above the bed, holding my cd player and cd's. it feels more cozy now. i like. i attached three, 6x6 inch square blocks of wood to the back of my door, to which i'm going to attach 3 individual hooks to, to hang up my towels, or articles of clothing. yeah, me!! sorta had a fight, not really, with curtis last night. i was crying, because we were hanging out even though we're supposed to be on a break. it's confusing me/makes it hard, cause it felt like we weren't on a break, and everything was okay, but it's not really. does that make sense? anyway, i guess if we're gonna be on a break, we got to really stick to it, and not see each other. can we be on a break, and still see each other? does that work? i don't know. so much things to do, i just don't know what they are. it'd be so much easier if i just won a million dollars, and then i could be a 'professional' student and just make a career out of studying all the things i'm interested in! lol. and i went out to dinner to 'Milestones' with my sister tania, her co-workers and her roomates, pam and temi. i had the Pizza dough roll appetizer thingy. it was absolutely delish!! i'm sooo going back there, just for that. tue - january 27th, 2004 maybe i should just have a baby. maybe that's what i'm meant to do. have a baby, and be supported by my husband. i'd still work of course, but maybe there is no 'perfect' job out there for me. maybe the perfect job, is raising a child. hmmm.... mon - january 26th, 2004 went to the gym this morning. 6am. not bad. was able to drive though, cause my dad didn't work last night and therefore the car was available. let's see if i get up tommorow at 5:30am to catch the bus! that's the plan,anyway. gotta get a disc man though. need some music, to keep me occupied. can't really read at the bus stop, when it's -10 (-20+, with the 'wind chill')outside. that's the new plan. hopefully for 3 weeks. go to the gym everyday. other than that, don't know. the 'Great Canadian Bagel' is hiring. maybe i'll apply today. maybe that's a plan. work semi-part-time, teach classes at the gym and work out. we'll see. sun - january 25th, 2004 2 pieces, too much cake yesterday. went to my sister's house yesterday, to visit my niece. my other sister, tania, took her out for 'brunch' and birthday shopping. then the rest of us met them at the movies later. we saw 'Along came Polly'. it was cute. a good time waster. feeling a little down. gotta go to the gym this morning. don't want to, but i'm teaching the 12:30 class. gotta take the bus, which is annoying, only because the service isn't great here and it's really cold. minus something. oh well. what can you do when you live in a shoe. i think DJ says that. i bought this great fabric friday. it's a 'fashion' fabric. ie., it's meant to be used to make clothing - but i used it to make a comforter cover and two pillow cases. it's gorgeous. brown with stylised topstiched stripes in 3 colours. i love it. i went back on saturday, and bought the rest. i was thinking maybe to make curtains, but i think that'd be too much. maybe i'll just save it for another time. i could make great oversized cushions, that'd look great on a sofa. who knows. maybe in a year or so, i'll have my own place again, and will be able to do that. fri - january 23rd, 2004 (evening) i nearly killed myself, running upstairs from the kitchen 'cause i heard my cell phone ringing and thought it may be curtis. i miss him. patience. fri - january 23rd, 2004 (morning) i was doing some tidying up yesterday, and came across an email from May 2003. this was the first time that i decided to quit by job, but then realised that i had to stay. and i said that for sure i'd be there for another year. well, i almost made it... that was also the time that curtis seriously suggested that we take a break. that things were very not good. we were going to then (back in may '03), but then we didn't. we should have. i was talking to my friend last night, and she asked how me and curtis were doing. i told her, we were still on a break, and that we needed it. she said not to worry, it'd work out. she said that comfortable is good. i tried to explain that me and curtis were way, way too comfortable. that we really hadn't accomplished anything, either as a couple or on our own, in the five years we'd been together. personally, i feel like i've wasted five years. not the realationship part, but my own self not getting anything done. not figuring out what i want - and doing it. no, quitting wasn't the best thing to do. i need the money. but i had to. i hated it. i wasn't happy. and i wasn't doing a good job anymore. which isn't fair to the people i worked with. and i couldn't continue like that with a clear conscience. so now, i've got to focus on getting a temp job. as much as i think i'd like to go back to school, financially, i wouldn't feel right doing it now. first and foremost, i really want to get rid of my debt, and save more money. then, i think i'll feel comfortable taking a chance, knowing i can truly afford it. so, $10,000 / by $500-$800 a month = a really long time (another year at least) at home with my parents. uggggh..... thurs - january 22nd, 2004 rented and watched 'Gingersnaps' last night. started seeing the commercials for 'Gingersnaps 2' so i wanted to make sure i saw the first one. very good movie. met my sisters (tania & collette) downtown yesterday, for my older sister, collette's 'spa' day. that was me and tania's x-mas gift to her. we had lunch before, at a place on Yonge St., called the 'Brownstone Cafe'. nice. funny - my older sister collette, noted that that was the first time just the 3 of us had ever went out together. usually we have collette' girls with us, or we're with family, or other friends. we should do it more. yesterday, I bought Dave Matthews Band, "Before These Crowded Streets" (used). i have their newest one, 'Busted Stuff' but haven't been listening to it. seems rather depressing. so far this old one, seems more upbeat. liking it. wed - january 21st, 2004 1. Interior Design 2. Sewing/Fashion Industry 3. Making things (something to do with) 4. ECE / Work with kids this is my potential 'career' list. these are things i think i most would like to do. i just don't know which is my 'passion'. i've been waiting for something to come along and hit me over the head and say, 'hey, i'm your passion, do me!! but maybe it's not going to happen like that. maybe i just have to choose which one,and pursue it, no matter what. without giving up. could that be it? i'm afraid though, that if it's not my passion, that i'll lose motivation. i'm just so unsure. i love my bubba. i don't want to lose my bubba. i miss my bubba... looking back, i've made the attempt to 'start' my life, a couple of times. i even documented it on-line - here and here. i hope "third time's the charm", really is the case. tues - january 20th, 2004 today is my niece Tanisha's, 16th birthday. wow! and my computer just died. great luck huh! now that i have no job or extra money to fix it! i think/hope it's just the fan. i had unplugged it when i started painting, and when i went to turn it back on, it 'popped'. did i mention that me and my boyfriend have been going out for 5 years?! they say, "Do one thing everyday, that scares you". i'm shaking in my boots!! mon - january 19th, 2004 i am now officially un-employed. by my own choosing. where do i go from here? that's what i'm trying to figure out. i'm also now officially on a 'break'. my boyfriend and i decided we needed some time off, to see where we're headed. end of summer, or there-abouts, we'll see what's, what. whether we can/want to get back together. ...sad feb mar apr ap |