Last night was the first night I've spent alone this week besides Tuesday night... which shouldn't really count because I didn't fall asleep till around 6, I decided having some sort of midnight crisis when no one is around to save you is much more fun than sleeping. I suppose last night my head was telling me the same. I'm getting better at ignoring these thoughts of despair, especially when there's someone around to distract you. But last night I was haunted by something, something that's been away for a long time, but likes to pop up when my serotonin seems to be at a certain low. I haven't been so scared since that night in Portugal I found myself locked in my room after that dream about Amanda. I got an e-mail from Steve this morning which threw me off guard and sent me into tears. He didn't say anything bad in it, nothing that should have made me upset... he's happy, having fun... I don't know, maybe it's more what I was hoping he'd have to say. Hmmmm... that's not quite what I mean, but whatever this whole entry doesn't seem to say what I want it to. I've been listening to the new AFI cd all morning, I really don't listen to it much just because it reminds me so much of my last 2 months with Brody and that week between her death and funeral. I would go to Laurina's almost everyday and Jesse would be playing this cd on repeat as loud as possible every hour of the day and sometimes night. It brings back everything... everything I've been trying so hard to push away. I want to go to the concert so bad. I've been highly considering selling my TBS ticket for it, even though I want to see that concert soooo bad. My mom's all worried about me going to the Dropkick's on the 30th because I'm going with a different crowd than Steve and his friends. When in reality we'll probably be way safer and I'll be more comfortable because it will be with people I know. But what am I supposed to tell her? For TBS the plan is they'll all be drinking on the beach afterwards and I'll be in the hotel room safe and cosy waiting for the drunks to get back... lol And honestly that's what I'd like to do, but it's not going to happen... The more likely scenario is me on the beach with them yet off to the side or back writing while they all party or whatever. I hate being shy around his friends, and it's so fucking weird because it's the worst with his, I can't just push it aside and be outgoing like usual. *shrug* Chalk up another reason why Jesse hates herself.

This is the most pathetic entry. I swear I'm not looking for sympathy, it just seems like I'm desperatly craving it.

I need to go downtown and give something to Drew. I need to go to the show tonight that I've been hearding everyone too. What I really need to do is lock myself in doors before the cold eats me alive...


Dreamed of toasters...10/04/03, 11:32am


October 3rd, 2003

I feel so drained. I was down at the sea wall for only 3 hours today, 1 of which were spent just me and Temperkill and another just me him and Jesse dreads. I haven't been hanging out down there as much recently. I lack the craving for social contact. Bad things seem to happen when I leave the safety of my attic.

The most fucked up thing happened to me last night. I was sitting in the Cambie (well the outside area), and Jesse Bell was telling me and Justin the details over when he broke his ankle. I could feel myself getting sicker and sicker as he went on with the story and was thinking "this is pretty weird, I don't ever get queasy over stories like that, especially one so minor" but it quickly got to the point where I had to get up or I was sure I was going to puke all over one of them (weird thing is I hadn't even finished a pint, I wasn't drinking.). So I got up and immediatly felt 10 times worse. I stumbled my way through the back hall towards the bathroom and just made it to the sink to lean on to. I tried hard to hold myself up but I colapsed on to the floor. I began to fall in and out of consciousness, I could just see the wall swaying back and forth. Now, I don't know if you've ever been in the Cambie bathroom but it's not really a place you wanna be hanging out in so as soon as I got some strength I pulled myself up and walked back into the hall, leaning on the wall for support. I passed out in the hall and woke up beside the entrance facing the toy machine (there is a toy machine there right? I didn't just see bunnies did I? lol). I have no idea how I got there, I'm really hoping I got myself there though. I still felt really fucked so I put my head in between my legs and spin spin spin I could hear all these voices in my head. There were all these people screaming and then others laughing evilly. Then there was a voice saying "Daddy, dad... dad... DAD! HELP HER. Help Amanda. Please, I've never really asked you for anything before just help her. Please dad, help Brody, she needs someone". And then boom. It stopped. I wasn't dizzy anymore and I looked up and Rob (cambie cook, not jam space one) was standing over me asking me if I was alright (we'd had a big talk on wednsday and feel a lil closer to him, he's a really good guy). He helped me up and took me back outside where everyone was, I asked him if I had said anything and said no, I just looked like I was dizzy or something. I don't know what the fuck happened. That was my voice saying that... but I didn't consciously think it in my head. I just heard myself. It's been driving me crazy all day, I can't figure out what the hell happened. I haven't thought about my dad in a long time, but Amanda has been on my mind very strongly these past 3 days. Am I crazy yet children?


Dreamed of toasters...10/03/03, 8:13pm


October 1st, 2003

I need to talk to someone. I'm not okay. What the fuck, why is no one awake?

Help?

Fuck.
Fuck.

I hate you for not being here.
"Your life is not your own"


Dreamed of toasters...10/01/03, 3:50am

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