April fools!!! Or not! Victory's sick on her own birthday! How terrible is that? Her mom won't even let her leave the house. I can't stand her; she treats Vicky like shit. She likes Vicky's twin (not identical) so much better, it's incredibly unfair. I hope I'll get a chance to give her the card I got; I already gave her the eyeshadow. I was gonna give her a bottle of really good tranquilizers, these great little white pills, but somehow Luna lost the whole bottle. How do you lose that many drugs??? I wouldn't give them to Victory anyways until she's better, but maybe I want one too! Pain in the ass...
So I finally got the tix to NIN yesterday, and I'm supposed to go with Vicky. But Luna says that Vicky doesn't even like NIN and she's just going to be nice. They're Luna's favorite band and she got screwed at the ticket window. Her mom stood in line for two hours and got them as soon as they went on sale, and still ended up with last row seats. Luna was just about crying. She asked me if there's any way we could work out a deal where Victory and Billy could have her seats and she'd take one of the two I got. Sounds like a real good deal to me, she's paying the cost of the ticket and throwing in 50 bux. But I'll have to ask Victory first, seeing as it's her ticket. I don't think she'll have much of a problem with it; she doesn't like NIN half as much as Luna does. She should be compassionate enough to let Luna buy the ticket. I hope it works out. I'm waaay to tired to go out tonight. And I think Drake's coming home tonight or tomorrow morning. I doubt he'll call and I don't think he got me anything special on his trip. We'll see.
Sunday, April 2, 2000
He he he! I was so wrong about Drake forgeting about me over vacation, much to my delight and surprise! At 11:30 last night, I heard a tapping on my window. I thought I was hallucinating; there was no chance someone was actually throwing rocks at my window to get my attention. But after two taps I pulled up the blinds. Drake was standing in the driveway, waving his arms and grinning like a little kid. I yelled (for my whole house to hear) "YAY!!! DRAKE'S HOME!!!" I sprinted downstairs in my pj's and flew out the back door. He gave me a big hug and said how much he'd missed me. I said I'd missed him too. But he had no idea how much things had changed since he left on break. He didn't know about Victory, Summer, or NIN. I quickly enlightened him. He was pretty pleased about the course of events with Vicky, as am I. It's almost unfair that Summer came into the equation, because I like Victory a lot and don't particularly want to share her. But whatever feels good. Like Cabaret says: Twosies beats onesies, but nothing beats threes!" I guess it's right.
So Drake and I went to the pavillion with my sis today. It's Logan's bday, so Drake was getting him a present. Logan wasn't home; he was at lacrosse camp somewhere in a far corner of Maryland. We had fun, and I got to show Drake the new stuff I got over break. He was quite pleased with my little haul, and said he liked my makeup. I've started wearing black eyeliner with fishtails on the outsides. I've also gotten a lot of weird looks, but a lot of compliments too. I'll see if I can get a picture of my fishtailed eyes on the site at some point. We went to Express so that mad could look around, and Drake wanted to try on some pants in the adjoining guys store. So we chilled there for a while. As we were starting to leave, I had a bright idea. Seeing as we were in such a preppy store, I let Drake and Alexa have a little fun. I said I'd try on any outfit in the whole store for their viewing pleasure! I ended up in a pair of white, frilled at the end capris, and a pink and orange striped halter top. But I still had my eyeliner so I was ok!!! We all had a good laugh over it, and left. That's about it. Oh, and Drake got me a poster of a blimp exploding, wonder what that means. Cya l8er.
Monday, April 3, 2000
Ugh, school tomorrow. I can't wait to get all my exams back. Joy. I was gonna do something today, but I just felt like staying home. Not a lot of energy. I hope I'm more upbeat tomorrow when I go back to school. Maybe I'll do something with Drake, that tends to make me feel better. I don't really have a lot to say.
Victory and Luna got into a massive screaming fight about NIN. I got accused of stealing 100 bux, and was generally in the middle of a large pile of horse shit. Not good. It ended up working out okay, so there's not a lot of point in hashing out every little detail. Luna will be going with us, and we'll sit up front. Victory and Summer will sit farther back. Blows for them, I'm almost sad enough to give one of 'em my ticket. But not quite, shows how stupid and selfish I am.
I had a pretty interesting conversation with Drake's sis, who's pretty cool as far as people I don't know that well go. She's actually kind of intimidating at first, but I think she knows this. She went to That Damned School too and hated it as much as I do. Whatever, she's alright. Supposedly coming back to DC at the end of the school year. Nothing to say really, so I'll write when something interesting happens.
Tuesday, April 4, 2000
Holy fuck. Shit, no, not now, I can't I won't!
Translation: I'm pretty much secluding myself in my room. I'm not taking any calls. Not responding to IMs. Only sending out the occasional email to anyone who appears to be concerned. Drowning in a sea of pain...
It was going okay until like 5 today. I got an 83 in chem for the quarter (???????tha fuck???????) but got in a fight with the evil bald bitch who controls the music department and therefore my chorus class and madrigals. The moron said I was "unprepared" to go to a concert because I'd missed school like 5 weeks ago. What bullshit, he pisses the fuck out of me. Then when I rolled my eyes a little, not even conspicuous or anything, he called me rude and disrespectful and tried to make me apologize. I gave my fakest apology and he got mad. I didn't care. He said he'd throw a music stand at me. I said I'd dodge it, pick it up, and throw it back. "More disrespect!" shrieks the beer-bellied fuck. I don't see why I should respect someone (or something) that has no respect for me at all. I quit madrigals. Fuck 'em.
So on to the rest. I got an 80 on my english exam, and it was all downhill from there. Did I mention I couldn't sleep at all last night? Insomnia, stupid fucking sleep disorder. So I was a fucking zombie. And I talked to Drake. He made me cry. And he really didn't mean to, so I felt bad for making him feel bad (if that makes any sense which it probably doesn't). We had a really long conversation and decided to take a break. We wouldn't talk for two weeks. Fuck everyone. If he's not around I don't want anyone around. I'm shut off. No phone calls. No emails. No IMs. And definatly no visiting. Fuck the world, I need to get my shit together. I'm not interested in anything but punishing myself for being so evil. I deserve to die. But I can't kill myself so I have to just not eat or sleep. I haven't slept since sunday, maybe I can keep it up. I just wanna crawl into a black hole and suffer forever. I deserve it. Late at night I stripped naked and wrote all over my body with black eyeliner and red marker. The black was for emptiness, the red was for blood. I drew on my arms with the red where I wanted to cut. And I wanted to cut every vein, artery, and blood vessil I could find. With the black I wrote words. Punish down my chest, suicide on my right arm, black hole on my left leg, wither and die, sinking, endless pain, razorblade, the list goes on forever. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was absolutely covered. Words everywhere. I felt almost like a sad walking work of art. I got in the shower. The red marker ran off easily. It ran off the way blood runs off your arms or legs when you make a good deep cut. Some of the eyeliner came off easily, some of it needed to be scrubbed off. In 15 minutes I was clean. I stayed up until 4:30, and allowed myself half an hour of sleep, between 4:30 and 5AM.
Wednsday, April 5, 2000
I don't know anymore. Life is shit, pain. But really is there any point in giving a fuck? What's the point of worrying if everything's still gonna be the same? I've tried to punish myself as much as I could without cutting. I hardly ate today, and haven't slept since sunday. I still don't think I've been punished enough. I don't know if any punishment I can bestow upon myself will ever make up for all the horrible shit I've caused. Maybe when I die I'll rot in hell forever, just burning and suffering. Maybe then I'll really be able to repent and pay the world back for everything I've done to it.
The break continues. I saw Drake in the hall today, and did my best not to look in his direction. I passed him, but out of the corner of my eye I could see that he was looking at me. I walked faster. I gave in and glanced back. A little more than a glance, but for no more than a second. I saw him looking after me with melencholy eyes. I quickly swivled my head forward again. But I couldn't do it. A few steps later my head turned back to him again. He was still looking. I gave a weak wave. He waved back and tried to smile. I resumed looking where I was going and walked faster. Then I ran to the bathroom and cried for 15 minutes. Love hurts. Any love hurts, not just romantic love. This love hurts more than any love I've ever had for anyone. Thirteen more days, maybe I'll survive.
Rain got me to talk. She got me to hold a conversation with her via IMs. I got all my shit out, and I'm taking emails and IMs now, but still not visits or phone calls. I was really relieved to have all the shit out of my system, it was a huge release for me. I went over to Vicky's house to pick up my wallet, and talked with her for a bit. We're gonna be okay. I'm talking to and seeing Vicky, but nobody else. It'll be fine. I ate something tonight before I went to bed. I slept.
Thursday, April 6, 2000
11:05AM, at school. Making a quick entry during a free period when I have nothing else to do. Drake's in the next room, and I can see him through the glass wall. I keep looking over to see him. I don't know if he knows I'm here. Maybe. Maybe. Come on, look this way! Dammit! He just left. Fuck. He looked and smiled at me earlier today, and it was alright. I need you, I miss you. I'll be back. Twelve days left. I can make it. I slept last night and let myself eat breakfast this morning. Maybe I'm not terrible. Maybe. Come on, maybe, just maybe I can make it today. Tomorrow. Maybe... I'll write again later.
Friday, April 7, 2000
Ahhhh! It's all cool now. Still on the break, but doing much better. Vicky and I chilled today, and I'm taking phone calls now. I really am feeling better. Vicky and I just did whatever, we went to the liquor store and got a bottle of Absolut. We looked for pot, but the wait was too long and we didn't wanna spend so much money. Pot for next week. We rented movies and she slept at my house. We smoked cigarettes and drank screwdrivers until we'd forgotten everything bad. And yes, we did hook up. But only because she'd said that she would have when she was sober. When we were sitting around outside 7-11 we were talking about how guys suck, and I was babbeling about how I would never find anyone, blah blah blah. Then Victory surprised me by saying that I could truthfully get any guy or any girl. I asked her what made her think that, and she said that she'd hook up with me any second even though she didn't think it would happen. I was so fucking shocked! I mean, here I am, sitting outside 7-11 with the girl I like, and she tells me that she'd hook up with me at the drop of a hat. I was fucking spellbound! I didn't know what to think at all. Does she like me? Is this when I'm supposed to say that I like her? What's going on here??? Of course, all I could do was say "really? cool." I don't know what impression she got from that, but either way, we did hook up. I wonder where this goes next.
Monday, April 10, 2000
At last! After all that shit I managed to end the break type thing. We talked on the phone. I called, he wasn't there, he actually called back (surprising given the circumstances). I ended up crying, and I think he was too. He told me something about submitting to the status quo at school, he said that's why he wasn't as cool at school. He also said that it would be better for me since I'm leaving soon. I agreed to give it a try. I don't know why I'm willing to change something about my attitude for him, but I really don't want him to discount me. Hmmmm, fuck. It'll do though, I will try it. And hopefully I'll get some results.
But the phone scene was really bad. He said he couldn't believe that I thought of ending our friendship based upon something so shallow. I never thought it would come to that either. We tried all kinds of stuff, kept looking for a balance. Maybe we should only be surface friends, not soul friends. Maybe we should still be as close, but only really talk outside of school. Maybe we should just forget it, maybe this, maybe that, blah di fuckin blah blah blah. It's really hard to recollect this, it seemed like it all happened so fast. It took about an hour in reality. I told him that I'd put up the poster he gave me. The poster of the blimp, on my ceiling, right above my bed. When I'm lying in my bed at night and look up at the ceiling, there it is, a big blimp on fire, crashing to the earth. SHIT!!! Reads the top of the poster. Very true, shit. That's all Drake and I have become, shit. Our friendship is shit. It's become so complicated it's hard to really know what's going on anymore. All we know is that somehow, sometime, we became best friends. And if we just had that common bond, than it ought to be that simple. It isn't. And that's what makes it shit. But we are friends now, and that's what's important to me.
Submitting to the status quo, how the fuck am I supposed to do that? I can't be normal, I can't blend in! I can't do something that's not in me. It would be more productive to try to hold back the time than change me. I really can't change in some aspects, and being unique is one of them. I will try to clean up my act a bit, there is a grain of truth in his bullshit. If I want him to be happy, and I do want him to be happy, than I absolutely have to at least try it. Wish me luck.
By the way, the reason I didn't write over the weekend was that I was in NYC at my grandmother's 90th birthday. It really was pretty uneventful, nothing exciting or worth mentioning here.
Some people are cocksuckers. Some people blow goats. Some people are really fuckin stupid. In fact, a lot of people are really fuckin stupid. Especially the cocksucking goat blowers at Barrie who have decided that I'm just not good enough for them. Lousy motherfuckers. But they can kiss my rejected ass, because I already got into WEHS! So fuck 'em. I just got the letter today, saying that I'm not smart/rich/pretty/preppy/whatever else they want to attend their school. They can go fuck themselves, I don't give a shit. I butchered the rejection letter I got from 'em, wrote shit all over it. It was fun. What a crock O shit, rejection letter. If any of you Barrie pricks on the Admissions Staff read this by any chance: KISS MY ASS MOTHERFUCKERS! TOO BAD FOR YOU! IT'S YOUR FUCKIN LOSS! Thank you.
Not much else is goin on. I failed a buncha classes for the quarter, but it's ok cuz I did pretty well on the exams (except history in which I got a 70 which really isn't the end of the world either). So I'm all set. Meanwhile, everyone else in the school (except for seniors) is running around getting signatures from department heads so that they can get into their first choice classes for next year. Ha! I automatically get my first choices for every class as a new student at the school. Again, Kiss my ass motherfuckers! Ahhh, finally I can watch everyone else suffer instead of them watching me. That's a damn good thing too, cuz I don't feel like suffering any more than I absolutely have to. I'm not that fuckin weird. Maybe I am, who gives a shit?
And guess what? I got high today too. Damn good thing, I fuckin deserve a break from the shit. I smoked up with Luna in her backyard; the high fences make it a perfect smoking spot. She even has this cool little corner which would be a really cool place to grow some shit. I'm trying to convince her to give it a shot, that'd be so fucking cool if one of us could grow. Imagine the possibilities... ahhhh...
Monday, April 24, 2000
Ugh holy shit! I'm sorry I haven't written in so long, so much has happened. Ummm, where to start. I'm sick now and I stayed home today. I now officially have a regular dealer, if that matters. I wasn't sober for more than a few hours at a time until today. I was on mainly weed and ritalin, but also e and k on the weekends. I haven't had a cigarette in two days cuz I'm sick and it sucks. No fucking wonder I'm sick after snorting/smoking/swallowing all that shit. I was doing really good in school because of the ritalin, it makes me want to study for some reason. I actually did some work, it amazed me. I need to be doing work now, so I'm probably gonna go do that in a second. Fuck I hate school. I hate That Damned School, only like 5 weeks left of real school, then I'm gettin the fuck outta there. And thank god cuz I couldn't stand to rot there another day.
So Victory almost got jumped in Bethesda because this girl said she was talking shit about her. I wish I'd been there to kick some ass. They wouldn't have dared to trash Vicky if I'd been there cuz I can fight. It's a wonder that she got out without getting jumped. She got saved by one girl who knew what was gonna happen, and I'm so glad she was there. I mean Vicky is tiny, so she would have been in the hospital no problem. Shit, if I'd been there to stick up for her... I bet I could have gotten her out of it. I can fight pretty good, and I wear rings that help me out when I punch. One snake ring that I have could tear someone's nose open with one of the hooks. And if I'd had my blade with me, all the better. I will definatly be on my guard now when I'm there with Vicky, you never know...
Except for the massive chemical backlash of all these drugs, I'm doing pretty good. I had a decent weekend. Soho, weed, movies, sleepovers, the usual shit. Starlight (Drake's sis) was in town so when I stopped by to see Drake I said hi to her too which was cool. Drake's hella busy cuz the show's this weekend, so he has practice every day. Weekends too. Kinda sucks cuz he couldn't come play as much. He said he'd be in Soho on friday but he never showed. He said he'd be there at 9:30, he didn't get there till 10:15, right about when we were smoking weed in my car (I didn't get killed for it either!). So not much else is going on, I have to do fucking work on top of all this, so I'll write later.
Thursday, April 27, 2000
Heh, I'm really smart. Did you know that? Really fucking smart. And I have unusually high self esteem too. Guess what I did? Guess what this genius did?!?!!? I decided to say yes to a guy because I thought I couldn't do any better. Real smart, real confident. Yep, that's me. Maybe I'll cheer up when I go see Drake in the musical tonight. Shit, I really am a moron. I probably never will do any better either, which is even sadder. See ya later.
Saturday, April 29, 2000
Ahhh! I camped out for HFStival tix; mostly a very good experience. Weed falling from the sky, staying up and just doing whatever. Too bad that retarded guy I'm stuck with was there. I'm breaking up with him anyway, it was stupid to say yes to him in the beginning. I've learned my lesson about giving pity parties, that's for damn sure. I couldn't keep a relationship together to save my life to begin with, so how the hell am I supposed to keep this one? I have no motivation to not cheat or do anything else. Some retarded, self-esteem drained shit. Really pointless to be in a relationship if you don't like the person, pretty stupid. I think I'll dump him tomorrow, too lazy to do it now. So tired. Luna and Victory are here, but they're speeding. I was up all night last night so I'm not doing any speed tonight. I have no interest in being up for more than 48 hours straight. I've been up for about 36 or something like that right now. Sleep would be good, sleep would definatly be good. I really needed the drugs though, I hadn't been doing anything because I've been sick. Damn good thing I got some dope. Tired. Later.
