This is my first entry in my online diary. I'm wondering how long I'll be able to do this before I get bored or get fed up, heh. I haven't cut in four days today. Last night I was in agony, I really needed to cut, or maybe even burn, do something. I didn't have a razor with me, so I grabbed my friend Luna's cigarette out of the ashtray at the cafe we were at, and went to the bathroom. She caught me just as I was going in. She thought I was gonna smoke it (I don't smoke) but my friend Drake knew better. It didn't make much of a difference anyway, I was busted. Later I managed to sneak off to the bathroom with a lighter, but as soon as the flame hit my skin I put it away. I guess a taste was enough, or the side of me that was trying to stop self-injuring prevailed. I went to see this new shrink today. He seemed ok. Looked like a mad scientist, otherwise fine, nice enough as far as shrinks go. Easy to talk to (always a plus). Just have to see what happens there... Going out tonight, to some dance. Heh, maybe I'll pick up a guy (or a girl, whichever). Bye for now.
Sunday, March 19, 2000
Heh, well last night was interesting. I went to The Hellhole to find the people I was supposed to meet, they told me to meet them there. They never showed, so I went and drank with some random people, friends of friends. I knew some of the group already, and they all went over to some dude's house. When the booze got there, I was given a bottle of Mad Dog (that's the SHIT, even tho it wasn't my favorite flavor) and drank up. However, I'm on Paxil, which lowers your tolerance a lot; it makes one drink seem like three. So after maybe half a bottle I was GONE. I managed to remember most of the night though. There were like 15 people at the house, 12 guys and 3 girls including me. Everyone was drinking A LOT, so it didn't take long before our "true selves" emerged. When I drink, I get very oversexed, as did the rest of the guys there. By now the group had split off in two somewhat, and it was me and 7 guys in whoever's room. The guys started trying to get me to strip. So I told them if they lost some clothes too (there were 3 guys who were VERY good looking there) then I'd consider. One guy got completely naked, but he wasn't one of the better looking ones. NOT A FUCKIN PRETTY SIGHT, LET ME FUCKIN TELL YOU!!! Our screams got the rest of the people to knock on the door, but we warned them of the dangers inside. They stayed out, thank God. The neighbors mighta called the cops if we'd kept screaming, so it's a damn good thing they didn't come in. Anyways, I was drunk as shit. It didn't take much longer for my top to come off. I had no clue what I was doing, I get really horny when I'm drunk. This one guy, totally random, decided to grope me, and I was too drunk to care. It ended up that... how the fuck did it end up? I know I did something, what the fuck was it? God I'm stoopid, what would possess me to do that? Whatever, it'll probably all blow over. At least I hope it does... Haven't really done a lot today. I've been trying to study, it hasn't been working. I feel like cutting, but I don't think I should. I haven't cut in five days, I need to keep it up.
Monday, March 20, 2000
Oh my God, I broke. I just fucking BROKE! Last night I had a fight with Luna about what happened on Saturday night. She said that I couldn't hang out with her friends because we had to have different friends, or something like that. She's so possessive of her friends it's unbelievable! And then she compared me to Skye! The speed addict with so much shit wrong with her no shrink knows where to fucking start! Luna said, "Skye would never do this, she can make her own friends!" Yeah that's good for the self-esteem! So I realized that I would never have any friends because I was such a loser. Why would I ever have any fucking friends, who would want to be friends with me??? I got off the phone. I called Drake next. He reassured me that everything would be fine, and that I did have friends. I told him that I felt so bad, could he try to understand? He said he could try, but he's not a depressive so it's really not the same. I needed to cut. I told him that I had to go. He kept asking me if I'd be okay, and I just mechanically responded: "yep, I'll be fine. I'll be fine. I'll be fine.". I was pretty far from fine. At first I only made a few cuts on my upper arm, above the elbow. Then I let it sit for a while. The cuts weren't deep at all, so it didn't take long for them to heal up passably. Then I decided I need to see more blood. I moved down to my wrist and made a few more cuts, these deeper. I made three cuts on my other wrist too, which I usually reserve just for scratching. I used the tissues as usual to absorb the worst of the bleeding, which I liked. When I decided that I'd bled enough, I went to the bathroom to clean up my arm. I filled the sink with warm water. Put my hands in, and let them soak for only a few seconds before it hit me. It would be so easy to just get out, I was right here, I could just leave it all behind. I got another blade and began to cut up my left wrist. I made a cut, then put it in the water. I let the blood run down all over my hand, I liked the feel of the blood on the outside of my skin. dripping down to the tips of my fingers, then falling into the pool of rapidly redding warm water below. I kept at this for about an hour. The pool of water became bright red. I finally felt at peace, it would all be over soon. Then, two thoughts flitted through my head. The first: who would find me dead in the bathroom, in a puddle of my own blood? What would they do? Would they faint? Uh oh, that couldn't be good, destroying my family. Then, another thought. What would Drake do? What would happen to his soul friend, would he just find another one? Would he come to my funeral? Would he cry? Would Luna cry? Would anybody cry? I can't, I won't, it's not happening.... I can't leave Drake. I can't leave Drake here, he might care... maybe. Yeah, he would. That's a start. I wrapped my arms in toilet paper, and drained the pool in the sink. I couldn't leave Drake here alone, he needs me sometimes. I know I need him too, and I had to be around when he needed me the most. I went into my room and called Karen. She didn't help. She told me to tell my parents. I did. They freaked. My dad damn near cried and my mom flew off the fucking handle, she was so mad. I got in a huge fight with her. Karen wanted me to go to the hospital and check in. I didn't want to. My dad didn't want me to go either, but he called the new shrink. He said to go to the er. My mom thought we were just feeding her bullshit because I didn't want to take exams. I've studied for exams, I'm gonna fuckin take 'em! But of course my mom didn't believe me, imposing bitch that she is. I tried to attack her, my dad held me back. Took me to the er this morning. I spent eight hours in the fucking hospital today! First I went to Sibley, they discharged me at 1 with the order that I see my doctor today. Went to Children's, saw my doctor, waited. They wanted to put me on the inpatient unit, but thank God it was full! Then she decided to call around to see if any other adolescent units had a spot for me. I got fed up as shit. I just told my dad, fuck this, lets go the fuck home, I don't need to be here. It took us 15 minutes to get out after that. Made an appointment for tomorrow, got the fuck out of there. Man hospitals are such a pain in the ass! So annoying... I just hope that I can get therapy without having these shits go overboard. See you tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
Therapists are full of shit. They want me to go to day treatment, delay my exams, and "concentrate on giving me an intensive theraputic environment." What a load of shit, I don't need day treatment! I weasled my way out of that one, of course. I hate therapy, I can't stand all these people telling me how I feel and what to do about it. Drives me insane, idiots. And isn't that counterproductive? Isn't therapy supposed to make me sane? Whatever, it's shit. Last night I told Drake what I'd done. I think I made him cry, because he started whining and asking if he could come see me right away. Of course I said yes, and immediatly ran out of the house in my bare feet to wait for him. I got about a block when I heard a car horn behind me, it was Drake in his car. "I had to get here fast," he explained later. His eyes were red and scared, we didn't even speak at first. It must have looked like it was straight out of a movie: a barefoot girl and a saddened guy hugging in the rain, practically crying into each others arms. Never felt so loved before, it was weird. If I'd known that he'd cared that much to begin with, I might not have made an attempt in the first place. We hugged for probably about a full 2 minutes before we realized that the rain was making us wet. We got in the car. The only question he had for me was "why?" I couldn't really explain it properly, ya know? It just seemed that the world was over, and I needed to die to be put out of my misery. Then he said a few things that I'll remember for the rest of my life. "You're my only close friend! I'd die without you! When I heard it, you scared my soul!" Of course, this only made us cry again. Right then I really was glad to be alive; because I knew that someone, somewhere needed me. He put on the soundtrack to Cabaret, one of our favorite musicals, and we drove around for a while. We hung out in my room, just chillin. At 11, he had to go. We agreed that we'd hang out soon, and he left. I'm actually making an attempt to study, kinda rare. I'm trying to do well on these exams so I can get out of this shithole of a school. Well really I'm already into school, but I want into my first choice, ________. My best friend goes there (she's in NY now) so it'd be cool to go to school with her (provided that we don't kill each other, which we might). Haven't really done much else today, so I'll write tomorrow when I might have something more interesting to say.
Thursday, March 23, 2000
Didn't write yesterday, not much happened. Went to therapy, did absolutely nothing.
Saw Drake briefly, we took a walk. Logan, Drake's brother, found out about what happened saturday night. He just laughed it off. Fine with me, I'm just forgetting the whole thing. If they wanna call me slut or whore for doing what I did, fuck 'em. I don't really care what they think of me, I don't ever have to see any of 'em again. I'm home today instead of taking my history exam; I'm sick. It sucks. No food, bad headache, no damn energy. To top it all off, I have to make up the exam I'm missing now on Saturday. Peachy. I get to test drive another shrink today; my dad decided he didn't like the one from last week. Whatever, I don't care as long as I have a reasonably ok shrink. I'm tired, I'm going back to bed.
Sunday, March 26, 2000
WHOA!!!! I've had one hell of a weekend! You would NOT believe it! I smoked a lot of herb and Drake kissed a guy and.... omg. Me, yes ME, kissed an AWESOME girl! I even slept at her house. She's fuckin awesome. We're gonna do something tomorrow too. I just met her on friday but I feel like I know her completely, it's so weird. But it's so cool! I never get the guy, let alone the girl, so it just blows my mind... She said she felt guilty about it, but I enjoyed it! I can't believe my luck... omg. I showed them everything about me, mostly, and it's just weird how close we are right away. We even broke out the razors together just for the hell of it, just for the sake of cutting. Sick, ain't it? But it was an act of bonding, not self-harm, which is what made it so cool. Drake and Karen are away college visiting, so for a while it's gonna be just me and Billy and Victory (the girl) and Rain and Luna. Hmmmm, sounds good! Reminds me of the song from Rent, "Out Tonight." I'm listening to it now. All the scars of the nevers and maybes die... out tonight.... you're sweet, wanna hit the street, wanna wail at the moon like a cat in heat, just take me out tonight! Back later, gotta eat dinner and the Oscars are gonna be on soon. Much love, life is beautiful!
Monday, March 27, 2000
It's 10PM and I'm feelin like shit. Some blurry shit about faking an eating disorder to be like Vicky, fuck you. I am a mostly recovered purging anorexic, and I was a bit triggered! Hell, I triggered her too! We cut together! I burnt with candle wax, I let it fall on the back of my hand. Fuck Luna, fuck Billy... and fuck everyone now that I think of it. Life sucks, and I miss Drake! I got an email from him, he's doin great. I can't wait for him to come back. Rain's back from NY so we hung out today, which was very cool. BUT, got called a poser and an ugly cunt, two things I can't stand to be (or be called). I have fucking therapy tomorrow and I hope it goes well. Oh fuck it, I just want this shit to clear up. I don't think I'll cut, I've really been trying not to. My head weighs a ton, I'll be up all fucking night. And the most annoying thing is that the "f" key on my keyboard has something under it so it makes it hard to type that particular key! That makes it take much more effort to type the word FUCK!!! That pisses the fuck out of me, fuck fuck fuck fuck!!! I'm pissed as hell, screw everyone! I want Drake! He's the only one who fucking understands me anymore! Drake if you're reading this, you're the greatest person in the whole world, you're priceless and I love you to death and then some. But of course you don't love me that much, or at all... I'll pull through, but I'm so fucking angry I feel like I'm gonna explode! Maybe I'll do something stupid! That's always good! Stupid stuff always solves every problem known to man! YEAH, LET ME GO DO SOME REALLY IDIOTIC SHIT, LIKE WRITING IN MY DIARY WHEN I'M THE MOST PISSED IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!! Oh well I don't give a fuck anymore. Later,
Wednsday, March 29, 2000
Hey, back again. Feeling somewhat better too. I talked to Billy, and he denied saying anything like what Luna told me he said. God, this is so middle school: he said she said that he said that she said, bullshit. I can't figure out why it upsets me, but it sure as hell does. I can't be that shallow; no not even a posibility. I hate shallow people, the kind who think that it's a major disaster when Abercrombie runs out of khakis. Some people piss me off, heh heh heh. I saw my new doc today, and she seems really nice. She's not afraid of me or my problems, unlike a few other doctors I could name :-). I hope that it goes well with her; the posibility is there. She put me on welbutrin in addition to my other meds. She said it might reduce drowsiness and augment as an anti-depressant. Seems good enough, I'll let you know how it works out. I'll write tomorrow.
Thursday, March 30, 2000
Ahhhh, freedom at last! Well, sorta. I got rid of my old shrink for good (finally! I was starting to lose patience with her a bit); she's going to work at another hospital, working with the inpatients or something like that. I liked her more during our last session for some reason, another irrational emotion on the part of yours truly (surprise surprise). But I know it's all for the best, cuz I got hella mad at her for some of the shit she did sometimes. I have a decent new therapist too, so everything worked out okay I guess.
The "f" key on my keyboard continues to bother me every time I use the computer. Maybe there's something under it, keeping it from working properly. Stupid, stupid thing, makes it a pain in the ass for me to type the word FUCK. Really annoying. Grrrrrrrrr....
It's Victory's birthday this weekend. We're gonna do something to celebrate; I got her this really cool card. And for her present I got her this eyeshadow that she loves, and I'm gonna see if I can get any of those little white tranquilizers, she looooves those too. Tickets for NIN go on sale tomorrow!!! I absolutely have to go, I've waited forever for them to come to town! Too bad they're playing at __________ where there's no damn pit. Oh well it'll be damn cool anyways! I love Trent!!! I'll tell you how everything goes, see u later.
Friday, March 31, 2000
I saw American Beauty with Victory and (ugh) her mom. Good movie. And I met this really cool girl Katie. We hung out for a while afterwards and went to this guy's house. Her mom got mad at us and left us right after the movie was over so it wasn't a big deal. We went on the roof and smoked weed. I really fuckin needed it too! I could use some right now... that's a different story. Katie and Vicky and I all smoked our fill with a pipe and a bong. I like bongs better. We all ended up kissing that chick in some form. She kissed me and Vicky, which got me a bit jealous. But that's ok, I can make out with her whenever I damn well please!!! lol I really am an idiot. So at the end of the night we all have to get home somehow, and thank god the cab driver was nice enough to understand how stoned and tired (and broke) we all were. We ended up all being late but none of our parents cared.
And I did get tix to NIN!!! 27th row!!! I can't wait to go!
