Okay sorry, I've kinda been a slacker about this diary. I'm trying to keep it going even if I have to make entries late or not at all for some days, so bear with me. I do have a life, even though the diary wouldn't suggest it, so I have stuff to do sometimes and on some days just can't make time for crap like this. That being said, here's what's goin on as of now.
Major major MAJOR shit with Drake. Back in February he said he'd take me to prom, since I'm a soph and can't go unless I'm with a junior or senior (he's a junior). It being my last That Damned School dance, I really wanted to go, so I was elated that he'd agreed to take me. Today I found out that he had other plans. He asked this girl (name not revealed) who he claims he likes. HE'S GAY!!! What the fuck is this??? Now he says that she could turn him bi, and he likes her! Sonofabitch... I spent half an hour of chem (3rd period) all of my free 4th, and the first 15 min of 5th in the bathroom crying. That little fucker, that's just NOT cool. AT ALL! He said he wasn't really serious, and that he just "kinda forgot." Kinda??? There's no kinda about it! He knew it was ultra-important to me and he forgot it when some chick (who really is nice and I can see how he might like her, she's pretty cool so I don't blame her for it at all) parades on the scene and he decides he likes her. How sweet. How very sweet. AHHHHHHHH!!!!! What's the world coming to??? He's supposed to be my BEST FRIEND!!!! Fucked up tricks like this do not belong on the resume of someone who's supposed to be your best friend. That's the kinda shit you'd expect from an aquaintance with a BAD attitude. So when he tried to talk to me, I told him to FUCK off, get out of my sight, and I never wanted to see his disgusting little face again. And at the time, I really didn't. My friend ****** talked to me during lunch, and she made me feel better to some degree. Just a little assurance that all was well, and that he'd come around. I didn't really take it into consideration at the time, but I did need it.
Tomorrow is my friend's birthday, but I won't get him anything. I think I'll get him a card or something, but he never puts that much effort into gifts and doesn't expect anyone else to do the same for him. I'm going to SoHo tomorrow night to chill with everyone there. Vicky's grounded for getting home late when she was with me last week, so she can't make it out this week. I'm supposed to maybe drop by her house saturday, if I can make time for it. I have to ride and I have an audition. I'll keep you posted on how the lovely Drake is doing, and if he comes crawling back (he better!!!). Later.
Saturday, May 6, 2000
Thank God! All's well that ends well. I didn't get to ride this morning because I forgot to wake up on time, but I got to the audition. I did pretty well! I think I might get a part! I sang a song from Cabaret (damn good show, everyone should see it) and they had us dance and read from the script, just about your standard audition. Now I wait for their other calls to be over, for all the auditions to be done with, and pray for a phone call! It would be so awesome if I got in! I'd finally have a show to devote my time and energy too. Such a nice diversion.
Drake's all better. We talked for a while on Thursday night. He apologized and promised me that he'd be a better friend. He ought to be a better friend! He admitted to being a complete ass, and saying that he gave me a good chunk of emotional/mental abuse that I really didn't need. As long as he's sorry, I'll keep forgiving him. We went out today after the audition. We went shopping in Georgetown, which I normally can't or don't do because it's so expensive. I got a dark red tank that I like, even though it's from a store that I wouldn't normally dare set foot in. Drake got a buncha stuff at Urban, but guess what he told me??? He said he thought that he might be bi. She's turning him bi. Unbefuckingleavable! If he were bi, so much would have to change! First of all, he tells me this in line to buy his stuff at Urban, after, on the presumption that he's gay, he invited me into the changing room with him! I'd just seen him prancing around wearing nothing but his boxers, and now he's telling me that he's turning bi! Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maaaaaaybe. HELL NO! This could be good. OR NOT! This could also be absolutely horrible. Maybe he thinks that what we have is above all the romance bullshit, which very well could be true. Or... ugh! Not nice! After so long of telling me how beautiful I was, and me recieving it on the presumption that he's gay, and if he now overshoots me, that's just fucking weird! Makes no sense at all. But, if this girl that he's going to prom with wants to turn him bi and make him love her, fiiiiine. But she'll never be able to have the kind of relationship that I have with him, even if they bond too. I'll always be one step above anyone else, because I'm the one who knows him TOTALLY. That's some comfort.
Sunday, March 7, 2000
Got caught smoking herb in my room, mom called my therapist, but I'm not even grounded. I have to pay them 100 bux for smoking in the house. Big fuckin deal, I'll steal it from 'em and just give it back. Morons. Not that mad, just tired and too weirded out to write much. Still a little stoned probly.
Monday, March 8, 2000
Still all good, sorta. In comparison to how stuff has been, I'm doin great. Victory's sick from overdosing on caffeine (9 cups of coffee and a caffeine pill, what the fuck was she thinking???) and my social life seems to be pretty calm. Drake continues to talk to "his girl" whenever he runs into her, same as ever, same as anyone else he likes. Tries to scoot his way over next to her in chorus class, she usually sits on the end of her section which is next to his. Nice try. I'm pretty pleased to see that he hasn't succeeded yet. Not that I want him to suffer, just that the thought of him being with someone else makes me crazed with jealousy even though I don't like him that way. I love him, no questions asked, but that doesn't mean I have to wanna screw him. Still!!! Grrrrrr....
But the news isn't all bad for me, not at all. Got some encouragement from my therapist today. I explained my situation to her, and she said that I was doing the right thing. I was talking about why I was mad and trying not to interfere with their relationship. I wish I could interfere! I'd raise hell! But I won't. Normally, if this were anyone else, I would. Not Drake, I don't wanna make him upset, so I'm staying the hell out of it. Ha ha ha, my therapist has figured out why he likes her (or at least says he does). She's a safe experiment to see if he likes girls (he hasn't sworn them off altogether, which is interesting to say the least). She's innocent, sweet, stable, reasonably pretty (but not that good looking), and nice. A pretty safe bet. And *drumroll please*... she's temporary. Disposable. She's a senior (he's a young junior, what's he thinking? Whatever...) so she's graduating in less than a month! They'll go to prom, and she'll be off. Granted, they might hang out over the summer. But he's already committed to spending a lot of time with me, so she'd have to be on the side. Move over!!! Outta my way!!! Keep off my property (well not property exactly, but whatever)!!! Ha! I win! In the long run, the news is nothing but good for me. She's going away to college, and he's not into the distance thing. And, no matter who he fucks, he loves ME. All she could do is perk up his interest in girls. But I'd still hate to see him with another girl, just because! I don't mind it at all if he's with guys, that's all cool for me. The prospect of him being close to a girl besides me is threatening, because it could undermine the bond that both him and I value so much. Still, it's good to be refreshed! Later.
Tuesday, May 9, 2000
Ha ha ha, hell has frozen over. I wore semi-"normal" clothes to school today just to see what everyone would say. Shorts (blue carpenters), a tank (I cheated a little bit, the side's ripped and saftey pinned), "normal" makeup, NO eyeliner, no chains, a whale tail necklace, and a few rings (as opposed to my normal menagerie). I surprised the shit out of my friend Lisa! She's all preppy and stuff, but she's still cool. She and a bunch of other people were all like "ohhhh you look soooooo nice today!" but I didn't really pay attention to them. It's cool that they liked how I looked, but it felt weird. It was a little refreshing to look in the mirror and see something different, but it just wasn't me. But I'm gonna go all out tomorrow, really surprise 'em. Wear a skirt! I never wear skirts voluntarily, or hardly ever. I'll "look nice." This should be interesting, I'll keep you posted.
All's pretty good otherwise, strapped for $$$ cuz of my parents little fine for smoking in the house. I'll find a way to get my stuff this weekend though, I always do. Especially since I have a new smoking partner. He he he... wait, why am I giggling? Ok forget that. See ya.
Wednsday, May 10, 2000
ASGAWJHDGDJF!!!!!!!!! Ok, words, words are good. I'm fucked. Somehow Drake heard that I liked him, and kept talking about how I was dressing preppy to impress him. What the fuck is this??? I'm doing it for a general reaction, not to impress him specifically! I did wear the skirt today, with "nice" makeup and jewelry, and I did get a lot of comments and compliments from a lot of different people. I got a lot of surprised looks too. GOOD! But I'm not doing it anymore, it's too uncomfortable. But to impress him?!?!! And I like him?!?!?!?! Who tells him this shit?!?! Where do people come up with this??? Every time Drake hears a rumor that some jackoff has pulled out of his ass, he believes it. At least he told me what he was hearing so I could reassure him that it was wrong. So he's one of my best friends, big fuckin deal! Everyone has to capitalize on it and make it into a huge thing because the two of us are so different and start up shitty rumors like these. Fucking assholes. I wouldn't mind so much if Drake could tell that it was bullshit straight away without having to ask me if it's true or not. He hasn't called me this week; I've called him twice. Once he wasn't there (yesterday). I called him today, and this is what he tells me. I'm FUMING!!! This is such bullshit, a complete Terrible Lie! I sure as hell hope that he believed me when I said I didn't like him as any more than a friend. Oh, and to make everything nicer, his sister's home. Actually that's not a big deal at all, so it's pretty much whatever. But I can't believe this! I just talked to him, found this out maybe 15 min ago. People are such retards! Even if I did like him (and let me reiterate that I DON'T), what buisiness is it of his??? Fuck 'em. I can't stand this shit. He wouldn't even tell me who was saying it, cuz he knows I'd kick their ass into a bloody pulp. And if I ever find out who is spreading this around, you bet your ass I'll send 'em to the hospital. So if the jackass that did talk shit is reading this: EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER!!! BURN IN HELL!!! KISS MY ASS YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS PRICK!!! Now that I'm done screaming, I'll find something else to do. I did ask Drake to call me back, and he said he might. If you're reading this: Gimmie a call, wouldja please??? Could I maybe have a normal conversation with a friend of mine? Thanks. Grrrr....
Friday, May 12, 2000
Broken <===> fixed. It's a pretty even equation. Stuff gets broken, fixed, and broken again. I talked to Drake and he believes me over the pricks at school. And thank god! It's a damn good thing that he trusts me to some degree, so he actually believes that I don't like him. I don't think I do, it's just that I get jealous so easily, which is my own damn fault. He doesn't talk to me a lot in school these days, but calls me. It's understandable. In order for the thing to blow over, we can't be lookin too friendly in front of everyone. I don't believe he thought I was dressing to impress him, it's such a load of shit. We have a pretty rocky friendship for two people that are supposedly best friends. It should be okay.
Nine Inch Nails tonight! It kicked ass! Trent is a GOD!!! Luna and I went, and had a great fucking time. We got all gothed up, and dyed my hair purple. I love it! Except that now I have purple ears, a purple back (from having my hair down), a purple pillow, and a purple hairbrush. It's worth it, it'll wash out. I fucked up the bathroom with the dye pretty bad, but we did it at Luna's house, and she has a cleaning dude who'll take care of it. I'm gonna go by and clean up the mess I made later. The concert was probably the best show I've ever seen. We had decent seats and a good view of the band. They played so many good songs, all my favorites. If they had played Something I Can Never Have, it would have been truly complete. The last song they played was Hurt. During it I scratched up my shoulder with a safty pin, just so I could have a scar to remember such a great experience by. It's such a perfect cutter song. I've been doing so good aside from that though. I haven't cut in the longest time, and I don't count this as true self-mutilation because I did it for scarring, not the pain. See you later.
