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A Brief History Of Phroth
Tumors Protest Dance Marathon
"Less Dancers, More Cancers!," Say Tumors
by Nate Kushner
The outside of Rec Hall was the scene of a gruesome massacre on February 17, as police in riot gear had to use radiation treatment and chemotherapy to subdue an angry mob of tumors that had come to protest the annual Panhellenic Dance Marathon, the largest student run philanthropy in the nation.
Mal Carcinoma, a resident of Edward Brown, age 34, of Bellefonte, was the only casualty of the conflict between the police and the protestors. Carcinoma shrank under repeated exposure to the radiation, and was pronounced dead at 2:34 pm. Edward Brown, however, is expected to survive another 40 years, according to his doctors, rather than the 6-month estimate originally proposed.
"This event, this absolute farce, held under the false label of 'charity' is discriminatory, hateful, and a threat to our well-being," said Kaprini Sarcoma, the primary organizer of the protest. "The actions of the State College Police Department were atrocious, and an affront to the freedom of every citizen of this nation, and not just us diseased lumps of flesh. Long live Mal Carcinoma!" "Excuse me for a moment, I haven't eaten all day." He then proceeded to light and smoke an entire pack of cigarettes simultaneously. He then added, "Yum." When the march first began outside the venue on Saturday morning, it appeared to be a benign expression of peaceful dissent. The protestors appeared in such small numbers as to be undetectable, but by lunchtime, the crowd had enlarged, and the mood had become malignant, hard, and painful, with angry tumors chanting such slogans as "Less Dancers, More Cancers!"
Ben Melanoma, a highly curable skin cancer, and one of the hundreds of THON dancers was appalled by the actions of his fellow tumors.
"It's attitudes like this that are destroying our nation. As a benign cancer, I feel it is the duty of all tumors to help those in need, especially the children, and these protestors, these cancers, are nothing but a cancer on the misshapen left breast of America.
Melanoma did share some empathy with their cause, however. "On the other hand, I understand where their anger is coming from. When it comes to cancer and their children, humans inevitably assume a 'not in my backyard' attitude, which doesn't solve anything, because these cancers do have to live somewhere, after all. What we need in this country is a greater degree of understanding, so that benign tumors, malignant tumors, and humans alike can live in peace and harmony."
Carcinoma, Sarcoma, and Melanoma, as well as the other tumors this reporter spoke to, denied the allegation that cancer is an Italian conspiracy.
The author of this piece would like to make it known that he is a great admirer of the Dance Marathon, and loves what they do, and that even though THON will be over by the time this goes to print, he wishes everybody who reads this would donate a little something to it. You can make a donation with your credit card at: https://www.lionlink.psu.edu/credit.nsf/AnnualFundCheck more information.
