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A Brief History Of Phroth
I Love Being A Tow Truck Driver
By Roy Molner
Man, let me tell you, some people don't like me. In fact, most people probably think I'm a huge asshole. That may be so, but I still love being a tow truck driver.
What's that you say? "You love being a tow truck driver, Roy?" Yes, it's true. I can honestly say that I cannot possibly think of any occupation in the world that would give me greater job satisfaction on a daily basis. Sure there are some great jobs out there. Teacher, doctor, porn star; these are all great jobs, and all are rewarding in their own special way, but none of these jobs can live up to that of a tow truck driver.
All right, I know that by this point, you're all asking yourselves how anyone can be so excited about having a job as lowly as tow truck driver. I'll be honest with you and tell you that at first, I didn't have the highest expectations for this job myself. Being on-call at all hours sucks, you get dirty, wearing that ugly jumpsuit all day long is ass, and you have to put up with irate people whose cars are in the process of being towed. Then it hit me. It hit me like a '84 Isuzu Trooper that wouldn't stay propped up: I am a professional bastard.
Yes, it's true. I am a big fucking bastard. Think about it: I wield supreme power over you, and every other person out there who parks where he shouldn't. Oh, you didn't know it was 15-minute parking? Well, I didn't know I was towing your sorry-ass '91 Taurus. See you at the garage! Have fun getting there! Better watch out next time you park in a handicap space. I have a contract with every business in town that has a parking lot. I generally don't have to look far to find someone to tow. If you don't have the plate or the sign on your mirror, you're gone. I don't care if you actually are disabled, you'll have to wheel your ass down to the garage. It's not my fault if you forgot to hang the sign.
I get excited just thinking about it. Every morning I wake up, secure in the knowledge that, though the rest of the world may change, I can be an utter bastard with no fear of retribution. There are certainly many other jobs that would allow you near-infinite bastardage, including telemarketing and law enforcement, but none allow the full-time insolence and legalized property theft inherent in being a tow truck driver.
I mean, you could argue that being a bastard isn't as fulfilling as, say, pursuing world peace, but I'd say that you are wrong, my friend. Really, who would you think has more fun at his job: me, or some priest or something? Deep in your heart, I think you know the answer. Look inside yourself, and then let me know. You know where to find me. I'll hook you up.
