Home
Archives
Links
Home
Join Phroth
Print Edition
Contact Information
Masthead
Advertise With Us
A Brief History Of Phroth
Phroth Sells Out
By Dave Papa
In a digusting display of bending over backwards for capitalism, Phroth completely takes it up the ass from big business and mixes its metaphors. "We didn't want to rely on UPAC for every issue," comments Phroth figure-head Larry Palazzolo. "Eventually we want to be self-sufficient. So like a blooming flower Phroth must expand into the sunshine of advertisers' money in order to roast the chicken of success."
When Palazzolo was asked how he became head of such a prestigious organization he responded, "Out of spite."
To accomplish this difficult task of footing the bill on its own, Phroth turned to the business department chief Jennifer Erickson who devised ingenious tactics to appeal to advertisers which failed. So the insatiable Erickson, with threatening letters and anonymous telephone calls to advertisers' homes between the hours of 3-5 am on weekdays, managed to convince nervous, frightened businesses to invest in Phroth.
"We find success in low places and friends in pots of gold." Erickson commented. After contributing this intellectual pearl she mused, "I don't mean leprechauns, but I do mean pot."
This reporter was floating like a cannonball after spending just a few hours with the Phroth staff, was completely taken aback by the mental level at which they perform, and wishes such elevated thought processes existed at his publication, the Collegian. Enough about this reporter.
Current issue editors, Luke Davin and David Papa, were unavailable for comment because they were too busy arguing over "which bad jokes are best." This reporter was then chased by Davin with a tazer after observing Papa drool and chew on his desk.
Papa was found moments later hiding in some bushes and screaming his name while attempting to make love to a small fat bird.
Advertisers are pleased with their investments, many are asking, "What is this crap?"
One advertiser spent their entire budget for the year on phroth ads and is willingly risking his livelihood on the success of the magazine. Upon hearing this, supportive Phroth members laughed and laughed for days.
Palazzolo commented, "Ha-ha, that's rich. That's really great. We'll buy them dinner, or maybe the newspaper he'll be using as a blanket from now on. No wait. We can get that for free." He added, "It feels good to kill two birds with one stone from the tree of good will hunting."
