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A Brief History Of Phroth
The Mug And Jester
by Larry Palazzolo
For the Spring 2001 issue we here at Phroth were forced to make some budget cuts. Since we didn't have a budget to begin with, it was pretty easy. We chose to go with the newsprint format because it was all we could afford. What little money we did have we spent on booze and hookers; the rest we just wasted. Thus we put together what you have in your hands. Your filthy, dirty, newpaper-inked hands. Dirty, filthy, smelly, sticky, icky, stinky, inked up, foul smelling, butt sweat hands. If you need to freshen up after reading this, there is a moist towellete, or handi-wipe if you may, attached to the back page. Enjoy.
Ahh yes, spring is in the air, or maybe that's Summer's Eve I smell. Anyway, as the academic year draws to a close, many of us begin to stress over the usual things: Am I going to do well on my finals, am I going to get that internship or do I have to spend another summer shoveling horse shit and donating sperm? But the biggest question on everyone's mind this year is, "Is Movin' On gonna suck or what?" Let's get real here, the only reason people stagger their drunk asses to this event can be summed up in 8 words: Inflatable Sumo Wrestling and Girls Jumping On Trampolines. Let's face it, those inflatable suits are fun, even though you drop 10 pounds sweating your arse off, and everyone loves a good trampoline. But Movin' On seems to get worse and worse each year, much like the digression of Pearl Jam. So to counteract their suckiness, Movin' On did some revamping and has prepared a fresh, new approach to help kids party one more weekend before finals.
Saturday April 21st Itinerary:
12:05 p.m. - Blue and White Game
Two options: 1.) Go to the game but leave at half time to get an early start on drinking. 2.) Don't go to the game at all, sleep in and then start drinking. It's not like you're missing anything. Either way, Penn State will win.
3:30 p.m. - Pollock Fields
After your first hour and a half of drinking, take yourself and your buzz on over to Pollock Fields where you can enjoy the following activities. The William Tell Game: Test your luck at shooting an apple off your friends' heads with a high-powered crossbow and earn tickets towards winning a whistle or snap bracelet.
Bobbing For French Fries: The kind people of Union Street donated the services of employees, Earl and Marla, equipped with their very own booth in which contestants have 60 seconds to dunk their head into a vat of hot grease and pull out as many French fries has possible. As an added bonus, you get to eat what you pull out. But to no avail Earl and Marla will not get paid overtime for Movin' On.
Guess What's Under My Kilt: Yes it's the classic game everyone knows and loves. Do those Scots know how to party or what?
6:00 p.m. - Moderate Drinking/Light Eating
8:00 p.m. - Heavy Drinking
10:00 p.m. - Pollock Fields: Run DMC throw down hard
12:00 p.m. - Anywhere: Find yourself Mr. or Mrs. Right, or settle for Mr. or Mrs. Right Now.
