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A Brief History Of Phroth
The Ice Cream Man Cometh
By Larry Palazzolo
I wonder if there is a high rate of suicide for ice cream truck drivers? As a kid when I heard the calliope play "Pop Goes The Weasel" it was like a little kid's equivalent of a dog whistle. Panic raced through my head, my heart felt like it was gonna beat out of my chest, and the only thing I could think of is, "I gotta get money and get a snow cone or heads are gonna roll". But I remember that each summer it would be a different guy in that Jack & Jill truck.
Now that I'm older I think I know why. If I had to hear that god damn song for so many hours a day for so many days a week I would go out of my friggin' mind. We're just lucky that no ice cream man ever got medieval on any customers. "Yeah I'll take a Mickey Mouse ice cream bar and a red, white and blue pop and...How about a get you a bar of shut the hell up." That evening you hear on the news: An outraged Jack & Jill Ice Cream employee went on a rampage of terror, driving over seven children then backing up and driving over them again. The children's bodies were found arranged in various sexual postions with Creamsicles and Snow Cones in the place of genitalia. All because of that goddamn song. Feel pity for the ice cream man, he can only take so much. Ice cream man, I salute you.
