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A Brief History Of Phroth
Ordinance Threatens Eatery, War Criminal Captured
By Billy McLubricant
The lines at 260 Beaver Avenue are long, drunk, and loud. Underneath the feet of a multitude of scantily clad coeds in tight pants, and under the cloud of masculine fragrances, plastic fondue forks and partially gnawed duck bones are strewn all about the sidewalk. The servers can barely keep up with the customers, a seemingly endless line of twenty- somethings.
Most would call this scene a harmless expression of good-natured drunken fun, a place to grab a snack after an evening of collegiate revelry. But the local council begs to differ. If a recently proposed ordinance goes through, as it is expected to, it could spell the end for L'Hermitage, State College's venerable French Restaurant and Patisserie, for years a favorite spot for Penn State's hungry partiers.
"I love this place! Where else can you get a plate of frog's legs this late at night at prices like this" said Adolf McHitler (Junior - Agriculture) as he exchanged a $20 bill through the small window in the front of L'Hermitage for a small serving of the delicacy. When asked about his name, McHitler assured us that there was no relation, that he was Irish rather than German, and that he really wished people would stop asking him that. "I swear, they hear my name, and they think I'm going to invade their restaurant or something." McHitler then abruptly ended the interview, saying that he had to go, because he was moving to Brazil.
The ordinance, proposed after the recent string of riots in Beaver Canyon, would directly affect L'Hermitage. It would prohibit gourmet food from being served in State College after midnight. The idea behind the law, ostensibly, is to reduce the size of outdoor food lines in downtown State College. Police claim that such lines can easily lead to disturbances, especially when those in line have been drinking alcohol.
The ordinance was proposed in response to the March 23rd riot on Beaver Avenue, which according to the official report, occurred not because of the outcome of the basketball game against Temple, but because of L'Hermitage's serving policies. The report states that University President Graham Spanier, who arrived late for his 1:00 AM reservation, was seated at the only table available, which was near the kitchen. Spanier was furious, and quickly became violent. Rep. John Lawless, R-Montgomery, was also present at L'Hermitage that night, and also became violent and belligerent, at one point, even threatening to have the University closed because his Salade Ni�oise had too many croutons on it. The diners of L'Hermitage took to the streets in protest and caused thousands of dollars in property damage, and had to be stopped by police in riot gear.
Luckily for our community, the council quickly came to the perfectly logical conclusion that hungry people eating at restaurants late at night, not stupid people breaking things, are the primary cause of rioting, and took the appropriate action.
L'Hermitage's proprietor, Chef Jean-Pierre Gustav Eiffel Louis XVI feels the measure was put into effect specifically to shut L'Hermitage down. "J'aime manger le merde et mes odeurs de merde vraiment. Laissez-les manger le g�teau. Je d�teste des Am�ricains." This reporter had no idea what the hell he was talking about.
Whatever the reasons for this proposal, L'Hermitage and its culinary delights may soon be conspicuously absent from downtown State College, and with it all those wonderful memories of late-night drunken snacks of mouth-watering Boeuf � la Bourguignonne and Ratatouille.
