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A Brief History Of Phroth
Graham Spanier Steps Down, Names Richard Belding As Replacement
New President's Office Doors To Be Always Open To Students Seeking Advice
by Jeff Rubin
University President Graham Spanier yesterday confirmed the rumors that he will in fact step down as from his position in the fall of 2001.
"It has given me great pleasure to serve the student body these past six years," Spanier said, "However, I have handpicked Richard Belding as my successor, and I think he's well qualified to make this campus an even better one."
Belding, who served as principal of Bayside High for years, was very excited about his new position. "I may just be from the small town of Bayside, but I have some big ideas how to make living on this campus one wacky adventure after another."
Belding began outlining his plans to make Penn State a better place immediately. One of his first changes will be the institution of mandatory dances every week. "Sure Thon is nice, but what about the weeks in between? I think having a Fall Ball or a Spring Fling every single week will help morale on the campus."
 Richard Belding, the new president of Penn State University enjoys an ice cream cone at the University Creamery with former University President, Graham Spanier shortly after the announcement that Belding would take over leadership of the University. |
Belding also plans to take a much more hands on approach by leaving his office open all the time. "I hope to see it become a sort of hang out for the kids when they should be in class," commented Belding. In addition, he announced his controversial plan to lay off the entire faculty and teach every class himself. "Don't get me wrong, I think Penn State is a fantastic campus already," commented Belding, "but if I have one complaint, it's that the student body is a little too diverse. One of my goals is to make sure that in a few years, everyone can be immediately identified as belonging to a distinct social categoy."
Belding also proposed spending $300,000 to install lockers in Willard that have intricate passageways between them. The lockers will also be designed so that they open if pounded hard enough by a football player.
Tori Scott (junior - engineering) said she was very excited about Belding's new policy to train all of The Diner's wait staff to be magicians. "I'm going to be hanging out there all the time now," said Tori, "nothing but burgers and fries for me. And I'm not paying for 'em, that's for sure."
