Here it is. The entire month of May for the year 1999. Don't you just feel like a part of my life? Doesn't it make you all warm & fuzzy inside to know that I'm sharing a part of myself with you? I know it does. Read on.

Wednesday the 26th of May: I had a great day today. I love the entire feeling that everyone has when we know school is coming to an end. 5 more days! I'm not happy about exams, but I'm definitely ready for summer. When I got home from school today, I started watching the season finale of Felicity that Mom taped for me last night. It freaking rocked, but I hate the suspense of season finales. Ben & Felicity's possible getting back together makes me happy. I can't believe that I actually got into that show so much that I care about them, but it's one of only 3 shows that I watch regularly. Last week, they had what Felicity called an "almost kiss" moment when they were thisclose to kissing, even though they both have a girlfriend/boyfriend, but I love Scott Speedman (Ben) so much that I want him to be with Felicity just so I can see him on the show more. Felicity was talking about how it was uncomfortable being around him since they had the "almost kiss" moment, but Ben said it was uncomfortable only because they didn't actually kiss; it was like an unanswered question. Felicity said something like, "Yes, that's it exactly," & all of the sudden, Ben bolted out of his chair & kissed her. Then, he said, "I've been waiting to do that for a long time." Darn it, I wish there were really guys like his character. No one just does that. You don't just bolt out of your chair & kiss someone. I mean, I would love it if someone actually did that to me, but TV is just so...unreal. I love the way they stare at each other, too. I'm such a starer. Of course, there's no one in my life really worth staring at, so that causes some problems for me. Speaking of that (but not really), don't you love it when someone you used to love finally loves you, but you've moved on? I'm not talking about the kind of people who like someone until that someone starts liking them. Like, there's this one dude who I was secretly infatuated with a few years ago, but he really just wanted to be friends. Now, all of the sudden, he's decided to be extremely...umm...friendly with me, but I really no longer feel anything for him. Nothing at all. So little that I couldn't even fake being interested. It's rather funny, but also quite sad. OK, I think I'm done here for now. (I've waited hours for this. I've made myself so sick. I wish I'd stayed asleep today. I never thought this day would end. I never thought tonight could ever be...this close to me.)

Tuesday the 25th of May: I've missed a few days, haven't I? Let's see. How should I do this? Umm...OK, got it.

My school's Key Club got involved in this thing that the American Cancer Society does called "Relay for Life". Kids & adults get together, form teams, & walk around the track at my high school for like 18 hours straight. One person from each team has to be on the track at all times, & people buy luminaries in honor of people they know who are living with cancer or in memory of those who have died because of it. Tracey & I went to Kroger after school & rented At First Sight since we adored in it the theatre so we would have something to kill time with until we had to go back to the school. We didn't finish it, but we headed over to the track at 8 PM anyway to start our walking. A ton of people were already there, & we saw Heath sitting in front of one of the tents that our friends had set up. He was playing his bass, so I immediately had to make fun of him for being so gay. Although, I really couldn't say much, because Heath is one of the few guys I know who actually looks cool with a guitar. We talked to him for a while about random things, & then went out on the track to walk. We got tired of that after an hour & a half, so we decided to get our faces painted. I asked for an island, & one of my friends from another school was doing the painting, so she gave Tracey & me cool matching islands complete with water & a palm tree. Then, we wanted her paint on our hands, so she took her black paint & wrote "100%" on one of Tracey's hand & "WE" on the other. Then, on my hands, I asked for one to say "LSH," & the other to say "BABY!". So, when we put our hands together, they read "100% WELSH, BABY!" You see, Tracey & I love to tell people that we're from the country of Wales, so we thought it would be perfect to proudly display our fake heritage through hand art. People kept asking us what it said, & then they would laugh, but no one really knew what the heck it meant (& that's what we wanted). It got dark, so Tracey & I sat down on the track to watch everyone light their luminaries & to listen to people reading the names of the people for whom the luminaries were bought. My sister came up & said that Heath was looking for me, so I trekked over to the tent area. He was still playing his bass, so I mentally made fun of him again (but not really). As soon as I walked up, he told me what time his band was playing that night, even though he had already told me at least 800 times. I just adore the things people say just for the chance to talk to other people. I do it, too. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You find something that you both like to discuss, & you stick with it. So, I sat down & listened to some Tom Petty with this crazy kid named Ed until Tracey came over. By that time, it was almost 11:30 PM, & Tracey & I wanted to come back to hear Heath's band at 1 AM, so we went back to her house to finish our movie. After I brushed my teeth for the 800th time & put on 14 more coats of silver eyeliner, we headed back to school. OK, this is the point where I want to start my little review of the Relay for Life "concert", so head on over to My Very 1st Forty 9 After Experience to hear all about it.

On Saturday, I went to my cousin's wedding. I really don't like weddings all that much. I know I'm a chick & am therefore expected to cry, but I really just don't see all that much to cry about. It's definitely not sad. Sure, it's happy, but definitely not happy enough to actually risk ruining your mascara for, though. All the old people told me how gorgeous I was as I passed out programs, though, so it wasn't a totally unworthwhile outing. Yeah, that's all I'll say about that.

Sunday - Tracey & I wanted to go get our silverchair tickets since the concert was last night, so I called Mike & Heath. Mike was lost somewhere outside, so I tried Heath, but he was taking a nap, so Tracey & I just sat in her kitchen & ate pizza. Mike finally found himself & called me back, but he had decided that he no longer wanted to go. He didn't want to spend the money on a band he doesn't know, he said. I wasn't surprised in the least, since Mike has never committed himself to anything in this entire life, but you just can't hate him for that. Gladys, Tracey's mom, said that she wouldn't let Tracey go without Mike's protection, but Tracey & I argued that Heath is bigger than Mike anyway. Mike argued, however, that he had been riding a dirtbike while Heath was taking a nap, so he was obviously more manly than Heath. Tracey & I agreed to make him feel good, but I think we all know that Heath is a better at protecting that Mike. It's all in the way he talks, you know. Slow talking scares attackers, I'm sure. Of course, by the time Heath actually gets an entire sentence out, Tracey & I could be raped & kidnapped...but that's why we love Heath. So, after running up a huge phone bill with the very long-distance Mike & listening to Tracey yell at me to stop talking for an hour, I called Heath again. I explained the Mike situation to him, but being the fabulous boy that he is, he still wanted to go, even if Mike didn't. (That's why we love Heath, of course.) So, after my dad told me to take my parents' minivan so he could work on my Blazer, Tracey & I hopped in & drove to our nearest Kroger. We approached the little old lady at the customer service desk & asked for tickets to the show. The woman got the information up on her little computer screen, but when she tried to run my dad's credit card thru the slot, it was refused. She couldn't tell me why the computer wouldn't accept it, so I called my mom to see if she knew anything. She didn't, so we went back in & asked the woman if she could try it again. This time, it worked! So, we got our tickets, & everything was fabulous. I was singing "Happy, happy, joy, joy" in my head all the way to the van, & I actually started thinking that I was going to get to go to the concert. Ha. Tracey & I got back in the van & looked at the tickets to make sure everything was OK with them. I handed them to Tracey & watched as she pulled them back out of their little envelope. I got ready to pull out of my parking spot, looked both ways, pulled out, & heard a terrible, terrible crunching sound. I hit a freaking car in the Kroger parking lot! I was just a little too far to the right of my spot, & instead of remembering to pull forward & then turn, I had just turned. That's what I always do, but this time it hadn't worked. I started freaking out like I do in any crisis situation, saying, "Oh, my Lord! I just hit someone! I hit a car! Oh, my Lord!" Finally, I got out & inspected the damage. I had cracked the headlight of the other dude's little red Subaru station wagon into about 4 million pieces, but I wasn't too worried about that. I checked the van, & it didn't seem so bad, so Tracey & I started walking inside to report the accident. One of the worker dudes asked me if I got hit, I told him that I had been the one to do the hitting, & I asked him, "What do I do? Where do I go?" He told us to get the license plate number & go to the customer service desk. We trekked back to the van, which happened to be sitting out in the middle of the aisle so that no one could pass, & looked at the car's plate. It was then that I noticed the MONSTER dents in the van. I freaked out again, but I promised myself that I wasn't going to cry, even though I'm a total crier in situations like that. We went inside & told the little old lady what happened, & she called the owner of it up to the desk. We waited a while, but no one came, & I had a chance to think about what I had just done, so I started crying. I mean really crying. The woman had me write down my name & address & whatnot, because the owner wouldn't come to the desk. When I went to give her the paper back, though, there was a kid standing there, & he told me that it was his car. I started crying again while he wrote down his information for me. He was really hot, though, & he had to be my age. He had this really fun, spiky hair & fabulous blue eyes. (You know what a sucker I am for blue eyes. Ye-owww!) I noticed the fact that he was a little shorter than me, but I loved him anyway. Isn't it sad that I was thinking about how hot he was after I had just hit his car? Don't you just love me?) I expected him to be really upset, even though he didn't know exactly what I had done, but he kept reassuring me that it didn't matter, that he didn't care at all. He walked us out to the van so he could see what happened to his car, & his sister (or what we percieved to be his sister) was waiting for him. He was totally unfazed by what I had done, saying that his dad used it to do work in. The chick said that it was like 20 years old, so I felt a little better. The guy got in it & backed up, since his bumper was stuck in my fender, & it was terrible for me to watch. I was OK at that point, but as soon as I got in the van, I started freaking out again. Tracey had no idea what to say to me, so she just sat there & watched me while I talked about how I wished it would have happened to the Blazer instead, how my parents were going to kill me, & how only dumb people get in wrecks, & I shouldn't have since I'm smart (Yeah, I was still stuck on myself even then). I was a babbling fool. When I got home, I was still totally upset, & I walked in the door & told my mom that I had hit someone at Kroger. She started freaking out, but then I told her that I had hit someone's CAR, so she told me that everything was fine, & our insurance would take care of it. Dad didn't care, either. I'm sure he thought I was an idiot for hitting a parked car, but he didn't say anything like that. Ahh, so there's my wreck (that was really just an accident) story. Fun, wasn't it? I thought so.

Monday night was the silverchair concert. Yay! I actually got to go! Read about my fabulous time at My Extremely Exciting & Fun-Filled Very First silverchair Concert Experience. Yippee!

Thursday the 20th of May: Last night, I went to my Hotmail account to check my mail like I do every time I get online. I'm on an Eve 6 mailing list & about 400 silverchair lists, so I get very little real mail on that account. (I give my parents' address to my real friends. Not that you aren't my real friends. You are, even though I've never met any of you...) Anyway, I read thru a few hundred e-mails about Eve 6 concert experiences & people ranting about how Max of Eve 6 is a slut, a few hundred about how we should all feel so sorry for Daniel of silverchair since he gets mobbed by teenies, & a few hundred from people trying to get me to come to their porno sites. Then, I came across a fabulous letter from someone who refuses to tell me his name. He wrote about some of the spelling & punctuation mistakes I've made on my site, making fun of me for creating the page Those Who Dared to Mock Me. It was obvious that he was just kidding about the things that he said, because he wrote about how I shouldn't say "hoochie" so much, because it isn't a real word & whatnot. He talked about how he realizes that I'm perfect & everything, but he thought I should look more carefully at my site. I was happy with the content, but more than anything, I adored him for writing so well. That was the first mail I had gotten in a long time from someone other than Tracey that had a minimal amount of spelling, punctuation, & capitalization mistakes. He even knew the different forms of the word "your"! It's really sad that stuff like that makes me love someone, but when you deal with as many idiots as I do every day, you actually look forward to a well-written letter every now & then. Let me just say something right now: Smart is sexy. Yeah, that's corny, but it's also terribly, terribly true. It cracks me up how dumb people flock to each other, perfectly aware that they are completely incapable of ever earning the affection of a smart person. That is, unless the dumb person happens to be the least bit attractive. I've noticed that perfectly smart people have a habit of being attracted to extremely dumb-yet-good-looking people. I hate that. I don't care what happens; My husband will be smart, if only for the sake of our kids. (Whoa, I just admitted that I'm thinking about having kids. Dang it!) No, it would have to be for my sake, too. I need intelliegent conversation. It's sad, but I don't think I've ever gone out with a guy who's actually smarter than any one of my guy friends. Geez...I also hate it when people say they are brilliant, but they don't get good grades. Now, it's all fine & dandy to be worldly smart or common sense smart instead of book smart, but I'll take a book smart boy over a worldly smart boy any day. Without the grades, you might not get into the college you want to (or I want you to). I can't stand people who have no aspirations. I've got my life completely outlined. I have for years. I don't know exact dates or anything, but I know what I will accomplish before I die. That makes some people mad, but that's how I am. How did I get on this topic? Let's move on.

Actually, this is sort of along the same lines. Today, in Chem, my teacher was talking about how if we behave well for our teachers, they'll give us some help with our grades in the way of extra credit. We said that he was lying, but he told us about a kid who comes to him every day for help in his class. The kid tries so hard & spends so much extra time attempting to learn the material, but he just can't. My teacher felt bad for him, so he ended up giving the kid a "C" instead of the "F" he deserved, just so the kid wouldn't flunk the class. People got sooooo mad about that. I didn't understand why at the time. People were saying that they have to actually work to earn their "C"s, & that kid gets his for free. One girl threatened to leave the class, because she was so angry. I, of course, called her a dork & told her to go ahead & leave, but she's one of my so-called friends, so she didn't think I was serious. Dang it. If the kid works hard enough that the teacher thinks he deserves a "C", then he should get his "C". He's the teacher. It's his choice. I realized later, however, that if things were to be switched around, I would be threatening to leave, too. Wait, no I wouldn't. Only dorks do that. I would be a little upset, though. Imagine if teacher could give you bad grades if he didn't like you. Well, there actually is a teacher at my school who does that, but I don't have him, so...So, now I'm stuck not knowing how to feel. I tried to start a fight with Tracey, but she chose not to have an opinion, as usual. Crap. I'm going to watch TV or something useful like that. Too much thinking...(Put me up above the boy. The one I love I should destroy. My sweet tooth has burned a hole. Forget about it all. He hit so hard I saw stars. He hit so hard I saw God. He's cold give him a candycoat. He can't swim, but he can float. One by one they all fall down. I look at him and drown. He's so candy, my downfall. Melts in my mouth 'til he's nothing at all. This keeps me; I can't sleep. He rages to be true.)

Monday the 14th of May: I haven't written for a while, so naturally I have a ton to write about. I think I'll split the weekend up by days. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Friday: Tracey & I went to see Everlast, the Black Crowes, & Lenny Kravitz in concert! Whoo-hoo! Go here to read about my lovely experience.

Saturday: Sam decided to take me to Tuttle, a mall that I had never been to, Saturday night. She called me half-way through the day & told me to hurry over to her house, but I was busy writing my English research paper, so I told her I would come when I got done. She told me to come as soon as I could, but I told her it would be a few hours. She told me that she needed me there because Mike was at her house playing video games & watching the Leonardo version ofRomeo and Juliet, but I wasn't just going to stop working. So, I ended up at her house around 6 pm, & she was in a total state of craziness, as always. She started telling me how Mike had come over without calling, & how she looked terrible when he came, & how she was so embarrassed & all. I was just like "Whatever". Then, she went on to say all this weird stuff about how she wanted me there with her & Mike, because he kept coming on to her & she was worried that she was going to cheat on her boyfriend with him, even though she's not the least bit interested in Mike. She said that he had his hand on her thigh & everything throughout the whole movie. I'm thinking, "What am I supposed to say to that?" So, I just laughed & said, "Yay?" It would be nice if I could believe anything that Sam says, but since she's a pathological liar, I just nod & smile a lot. If she wasn't taking me to Ozzfest & didn't have Mariocart for N64, I swear I would have gotten rid of her long ago. No, I'm kidding. Really. So, we went to Tuttle & had a fabulous time. Sam is really great to hang out with when she's not trying to impress the male of the species. We discussed how cool New Kids on the Block used to be & found out that we both had the NKOTB bed sheets, the fact that Tracey is definitely going to be a dildo-user when she gets old (sorry, Tracey!), & how much people who lie to you for years about their past drug history really suck. (Of course, the person that was directed toward probably doesn't even realize that I'm talking about him.) After we scoured the entire mall for hot guys & board games, we left to go see a movie. I had tried to see The Matrix earlier, as you faithful readers know, but couldn't because my sister isn't 17, so Sam took me to see it. We went to my house first to get my ID, & just as we had expected, the dude at the theatre carded us. I said, "Thank you! I was hoping you would card me. I went home & got my ID just for this!" He wasn't amused. So, as we were walking toward the little movie room, this dude from Mock Trial that had impeached me, walked in front of us. He looked at me, turned away, & looked back, so I knew that he knew me, but he wasn't going to say anything. I'm like, "Grr. I know you." He just nodded, so I ran up & kicked him. It was good. Sam kept leaving during the movie to pretend to get her sweatshirt out of her car & whatnot so she could flirt with the ticket boys, but she had already seen it, so it didn't matter. About half-way through it, I realized that The Matrix quite possibly might be the best movie I've ever seen. Maybe it was the way the people jumped in slow-motion or how hot Keanu is in it, but it seriously rocked. I talked to my friend Mike's dad who's a cop, & he said that it was really dumb & too full of violence, but I loved it. The trench coat scene that the Columbine shootings were blamed on was supremely cool, but I'm sure it had nothing to do with anything. I'm definitely taking Tracey to see it. On the way home, Sam & I got in a huge discussion about religion & the fact that Mike is an idiot for trying to make Sam think she's not a true Christian for being Catholic. Whatever. I spent the night at Sam's in a disgusting cloud of smoke since she smoked for like 8 hours straight while we played Zelda until it was time for me to leave Sunday morning. Hey, at least she beat one of the bosses. Hmm...it's time for me to go, I think. Bye. (Don't let it go away, this feeling has got to stay.)

Thursday the 13th May: It seemed like Friday today. It was a good day. After school, I was invited to an International Thespian Society meeting since I was eligible to become a member after being in the play last month. I didn't really want to go, but I figured I would make a quick appearance & leave. I walked in, though, & Heath was sitting there, swiveling around in a chair, so I knew I would be staying a while. (That wasn't meant the way it sounded. Really. OK, I'm lying.) I just stood there, since I'm one of those people who totally tests people to see how long it takes them to talk to me. (It took him like .00000001 seconds or something, in case you're wondering.) He said, "Hey, I have that silverchair thing I taped for you. Well, I don't have it with me, but I have it. It was pretty good." I had him tape a silverchair interview off of MuchMusic for me, so that's the latest thing we have to talk about. We're not forced to talk about Mike anymore! (Not that we would ever stop talking about you, darling.) Then, knowing that this is what he really wanted to talk about, he said, "Hey...I think I...wanna go to...that...silverchair concert," or something really slow & Heath-like. I'm the fastest talker alive, so Heath amazes me with the way he fits exactly 1.79 words into each minute of conversation you have with him. I went off into a huge speech about how he must take me, because Mike's not allowed to go to the Newport (the place that it's going to take place) & I don't really want to go with Tracey's brother. Heath said, "Oh, Mike says he wants to go." I'm like, "Mike has never heard a silverchair song in his entire life." He said, "That's what I said, but he says that he likes them. He told me to name some songs for him, so I was like, 'That one. You know.'" Yeah. I suppose it's good that Mike wants to come, though. Heath & I can't very well leave him at home, now, can we? I wouldn't mind knowing Mike's motives behind wanting to go, though. (Hint, hint. What are your motives behind wanting to go?) So, I have at least a shot at seeing my boys this time. Ha, that would rock. Seeing my favourite boys (meaning silverchair) with my favourite boys (meaning Mike & Heath). Also, I found out that Heath's band is playing at the Relay for Life thing I'm walking in next weekend. I've never even heard his band, but just the fact that Heath wears Billy Corgan shirts while he's playing makes me know that I'm going to love them. Yee-ha!

You know, there's this kid who's kind of got some sort of thing for me, & he doesn't try to hide it or anything, but whenever I see him outside of class, he always like makes weird faces or noises at me. It really freaks me out, but it also got me thinking about how strange it is the things we do to show people that we like them. Me - I'm a kicker. Whenever I see someone that I remotely like, even if it's just as a friend, I kick them. Well, I don't do it so much anymore, but I sure did last year. It's not a mean kick. Just a nice, "Hey, I notice you, & I like you" kind of kick. People really appreciate the gesture, believe me. This year, I'm doing the whole using my pointer finger & thumb to make a gun-type thing. I suppose I've done that all my life. It's a sign that I care enough about you to use the strength to move two of my fingers. Now that's impressive, isn't it? There's always the head nod, too. Weird faces don't make me think nice thoughts, though. I suppose kicks don't make other people think of love, either, but they should. They really should. (Sucker love is heaven sent. You pucker up, our passion's spent. My hearts a tart, your body's rent. My body's broken, yours is spent. Carve your name into my arm. Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed. 'Cuz there's nothing else to do, every me and every you.) Yay! Placebo!

Wednesday the 12th of May: Oh, I'm happy. Can I say that I'm happy? I'm happy. When I got home today, I realized that Eve 6 had been on Letterman last night, & I forgot to watch it. Dang it. So, I was sitting here working on my English research paper when my mom said, "Katie, were there any bands on TV that you wanted to see last night?" I was like, "Hot damn!" Well, I didn't actually say that since it's my mom & all, but I went out to our living room, & Mom had a tape of last night's Letterman cued up to Eve 6's performance of Open Road Song. Basically no one knows the song since it hasn't been played on many radio stations, but it freaking rocks, & they freaking rocked playing it. Have I ever mentioned how much I love the lead singer? Such a cutie, I tell you. I adore his red hair. I wrote one day about wanting to have red-haired kids someday, so I'll have a good chance of getting some if I marry him, you know. (Don't even think of mailing me about that. I'm not going to actually marry him. I realize that. I've already got enough future husbands as it is, anyway.) Jon danced around a little too much during the show, but Max made up for that with the way he pulled on his ear at the end of the song like Carol Burnett used to do at the end of her show. (You have to see it to know how cute it is.) My mom rocks. She just plain rocks.

Ohh, did anyone watch last night's episode of Felicity. The show itself was fabulous as usual, but did you listen to the background music? That's right. They played a huger-than-normal chunk of silverchair's Do You Feel The Same. I was impressed. I don't know if I really want to the kind of people who watch Felicity knowing my music, but considering that I'm one of the people who watch it, I suppose I shouldn't say anything. Also, was anyone else as into Ben & Julie's hug at the end as I was? I guess you had to have seen the show to know what I'm talking about, but Ben (who happens to be incredibly hot) came home after being beat up & missing for a day, & his chick, Julie, walked over to him & just touched his face in this extremely awesome way. Then, he just wrapped his arms around her in a really awesome way. I liked it...a lot. I'm definitely a hugger. I love the kind of hugs when you put your arms under the other person's arms, around their shoulder blades, & up to their shoulders. I don't know if that's a good way to explain them, but I like that kind of hug almost as much as I like forehead kisses. In fact, I had a dream about one of those hugs when I went to sleep last Friday night. It had Sam, Tracey, & Mike in it, of course. We were sitting on this big concrete slab outside of some building. Tracey, Sam, & Mike were playing cards. I think we were at a high school football game, but it was day time, & we were far away from the playing field, so we weren't really paying attention. I was kind of just standing there singing something when Mike, or at least I think it was Mike, got up from playing cards. He came over, & I just gave him one of those hugs for some reason. I don't know why. We started kind of like dancing around like we used to do in my mom's classroom after lunch, but then, my grandma walked up & said, "Stop that. You look like you're hiding a guitar in there." I don't know what that was about, but the dream ended then. I have no idea why I just told you that. I don't know if dreams are supposed to be a public thing. Oh, well. Exactly 4 people read this page, anyway. (Hey, that's gone up from the 2 it used to be. By the way: Hey, Karsten! What the heck happened to you?) Mmm-kay. I think I'm done here. (I'll get away from you. Wait and I'll be begging. I'll pull you down. I saw it all again, fading memory became clear to me. I try but I can't say that I'm yours for good. Support me, you said you would.)

Monday the 10th of May: There's this guy at my school named Justin who tries really hard to be goth. You just can't be goth at my school, though. Last year, he wore a skirt on the last day of school. Now, that's not a big deal to me (in fact, it was almost attractive), but the people at my school are completely close-minded, & none of them could deal with that. He wears his stupid JNCO jeans with his Marilyn Manson shirts & ten-pound ball chains, trying his best to appear unconnected with the rest of the student body. That's kind of hard at all school of less than 900, though. If I didn't know him as well as I do, I might assume that he really is as freaky as he tries to be, but I know better. You see, my sister was friends with him until he turned into whatever he is now, & he shows pigs with me at our county fair. (Whoa, look at me. I live in the country! Whoo-hoo!) He wears his big, old jeans in the hog barn & gets dirt up to his knees, but he just can't give in & actually wear shorts. No, no. That would be too conformist, you see. (Besides, he looks, oh, so hot in those jeans.) When it comes time to get out into the ring & show, though, he's there in his cowboy boots & flannel shirt. The boy cracks me up. He used to hang out with all of the "stoners" at our school (as if any of them have ever seen any drugs), & then he moved on to the hoochie mamas when he got bored with them. Now, he's just trying to hang out with the weird chicks, but the weird chicks won't accept him, because he growls spontaneously. (No one likes a spontaneous growler, believe you me.) I really just hate it when people go from being one thing to something completely different. When someone's personality gradually starts to morph, you think it's natural, but when Justin went from a country hick to carving my cousin's name on his stomach, you can't help but think that he's trying a little too hard. There are also a lot of people at my school who go from skank to prep within a week. It's so easy, but who would ever want to do it? Accept what you are, kiddies. Geez. Is it that bad trying to be yourself? I have nothing to complain about, though. I have 18 more days of school left, I'm going to see Lenny Kravitz, the Black Crowes, & Everlast this weekend, & Heath, the boy I love the most, might be taking me to see silverchair. Yeah, things are good.

Sunday the 9th of May: This afternoon, I was bored & thinking about Mike being at Sam's house playing video games, so I asked Joanie if she wanted to go to the mall with me to see a movie. The only one playing that we were really into was The Matrix, so we left to go see it. When we got to the mall, I realized the the movie was rated "R", & I was the only one who's 17, so I told Jo to give me her money so I could buy the tickets for both of us. The dude at the ticket counter asked me for some ID, & I'm like, "Dude, I don't have it with me." He said he wasn't allowed to serve anyone under 17, so I told him that I am 17. He said that was all fine & dandy, but he still needed some ID, so I told him I'd be right back. I ran out to my car & passed by some Damon's worker was sitting on a bench. He nodded his head at me, which got me thinking that he was meant for me, but he was wearing the red & black Damon's shirt, so I knew it could never happen. I got my driver's license & ran back toward the mall. The little Damon's boy was watching me, so of course I had to do something extremely stupid such as walking too fast & losing my shoe. I giggled & put it back on, but somehow, I knew that Damon's boy no longer wanted me. I walked back inside & slapped my license on the ticket counter with a fake smile on my face. The dude laughed & said, "Now, I believe you. Sorry about that...Wait. Is this really you?" I held the card up to my face & said, "Look. It's me. Two tickets, please." He said, "Two tickets? I need to see the ID of the other person." I was in disbelief. I said, "She's not 17." He was like, "Oh, sorry. I can't let you in without a parent, then. Ohio law. I'm sorry." He seemed genuine, but Jo & I still plotted his murder. We just walked around for a while & then drove over to Chi Chi's for some Mexican fried ice cream. It was nice. My cherry stem was shaped like an "L", so I tried to stick it to my forehead to no avail. I enjoy Joanie. I enjoy her more than most of my friends at times. (Umm...except you, Tracey. Never, never you. Oh, not you, either, Mike. Defintely you, Bethany. Ha.) We just ate, left, came home, & watched The House of Yes for the 800th time. Darn good movie, that is. Now, I'm going to get ready to watch The Family Guy just because Bethany told me to.

I know that I haven't said much about my mom's illness, so I think I'm allowed to get a little something out. The doctor that performed the biopsy on her (let's call him Dr. Smith) sent the chunk of tumor that he cut out to the best labs around the country, but none of them could figure out what was wrong. The lab that's said to be the best in the US ended up asking Dr. Smith to do another biopsy to get a larger sample, but he had already cut out all that he could the first time. Mom finally met with Dr. Smith on Tuesday, & he told her that although her tumor was not serious at all, they wanted to start radiation treatments on her "just in case". He said that they would take place once a week for a month. Mom felt very satisfied with that, & she left feeling confident that she would be OK. My aunt told her that she wouldn't lose her hair with radiation, & being the vain person that she is, she was relieved. On Thursday, Mom met with the radiation doctor, Dr. Shoe (Clever name, eh?). He basically told her that everything she had been hearing was a lie, & she would actually have to have 7 weeks of treatment, 5 days a week. He also told her that there was the possibility that she could lose the hearing in her left ear, the sight in her left eye, & all of her hair permanently. Talk about a huge shock. Mom was already an emotional cripple, & now she's even worse. I mean, I'm expected to stay positive for her, but how can I? Today is Mother's Day. She didn't want to celebrate it, because she feels this intense guiltiness, as if she isn't a good mother because she's ill. She cries constantly, but not out of pity for herself - out of pity for her family. She keeps asking me how I'm dealing with everything, but I'm not the one who has to f-ing go through what she's going through. Hmm...I can't talk about this. Enough.

Saturday the 8th of May: Tracey & I are aides for our school's band director, so we can avoid going to 6th period Study Hall. We set up about 20 chairs & music stands for the band that plays 7th period, & then we're free to wander the halls, listen to the band's stereo, sit & talk, or do basically whatever else we want to do. The band director loves us, so it's a very good situation. Yesterday during 6th, the middle school's talent show was going on in our auditorium, so after I went & took an American History make-up test, I joined this chick named April & Tracey, who were already enthralled by the amazing *cough* talent of the middle school kids. When I walked in, some boy was singing a terrible rendition of Walk This Way, but I assumed that the acts would get better. I was wrong. Very, very wrong. Some chick walked out on stage to announce the next act, someone dancing to that annoying Britney Spears song. She forgot to say who would be doing it, so she came back out. Now, I was saddened enough by the fact that someone was dancing to that wretched song, but when the girl came back & said that some boy named Willy would be doing it, the entire audience laughed, & I was mortified. I mean, it's bad enough to be named Willy. You just don't make it worse by doing stuff like that, especially when you're lanky & have gross long hair. We were sitting in the balcony with 3 other kids - one wearing a yellow shirt, one with a video camera, taping the whole thing, & one with no definting characteristics. The kid on the yellow shirt just could not stop laughing. Willy had one or two decent moves, but wow...he was dancing to Britney Spears. After he was done, he came & sat in the balcony, right in front of the guys who were laughing at him. The kid in the yellow shirt still couldn't control himself, & he was laughing right into the camera. It was just a bad situation.

Last night made up for the ugliness of the talent show, though. Sam, a girl I mockingly referred to as Bambi in a past post, called Tracey & asked if she & I wanted to go putt-putting. Since I adore putt-putting almost as much as Blockbuster workers, I was quite pleased with her choice of activities. We planned to watch a movie at Tracey’s until it got dark, so I called Mike to see if he wanted to come along & if he knew of a good movie for me to get when I took Mom shopping. He didn’t, so I ended up getting The House of Yes, since I wanted them to see it. I didn’t know how Sam would deal with it, since she’s so mainstream, but I thought it would do her some good to see a weird movie. Mike came over while I was on the phone, so he went into my bathroom & put my Beastie Boys Hello Nasty CD in the CD player in there. (Yeah, so I have a CD player in my bathroom. You need something to do on the toilet, right?) I think it’s really psycho that he does that (ha, I’m the one with a CD player in my bathroom & I’m calling him psycho), but it kept him occupied, so whatever. After I talked for 800 years & Mike started saying, “Get off the phone. Get off the phone,” a couple hundred times, I got off the phone, & we left. When we got to Tracey’s, Sam was already there, & she attacked us. We sat on Tracey’s bed for a while, talking about random things, & then Mike picked up Tracey’s guitar. He attempted to play some chords, but well, he couldn’t. Everyone knows how much I despise people who can’t play guitar acting like they can, so Sam & I started saying stuff like, “Oh, Mike. You look so hot with that guitar. I can’t resist you when you’re holding it,” mocking him. He didn’t care, so he got out Tracey’s whammy bar & did some more idiotic trying-to-look-cool stuff. We finally decided to go watch the movie, so we trekked into Tracey’s living room & sat down. Sam immediately laid on Mike, I immediately scooted as far away from them as humanly possible, & Tracey immediately gave me one of her infamous “Sam is such a whore” looks. Tracey ran around & got drinks for us on command before we started watching the movie. She offered us icy mugs (the kind that have water in the between two layers that freezes when you put it in the freezer to form a lovely layer of ice), & Mike said, “Who would ever pass up the chance to use an icy mug?” Sam, being the follower that she is, said, “Oh, yeah. I love icy mugs,” so I was forced to give her a really nasty look (the beatings will come later, my friends). I just wanted water, but Mike got lemonade (on my recommendation, of course), & Sam got Pepsi, I believe. (That information will be very important later. Well, not really.) We began the movie, but everyone was talking through the beginning. I knew that the beginning wasn’t a vital part of the movie, but they didn’t, so I had to shush them harshly. At one point, I realized that the extra ice I had put in my mug was all melted together at the top of the mug, unable to reach the water below, so I put my finger in & pushed it down. Mike noticed & told me not to do it ever again, so I got my finger wet & attempted to flick water at him. I ended up hitting Sam instead, but that was even better than Mike, so I laughed. Later, Tracey’s mom came in & offered us suckers, so I chose a banana-chocolate one & began dipping it in my water to make it cold. Mike looked over again & scorned me for that, but he really couldn’t call me an idiot or anything, since he was the one with some chick weird-o lying in his lap. (Sorry, Sam. You whore, you. Oops.) Mike started dipping his a few minutes later, by the way. Everyone wants to be like me, darn it. Sam complained about how the movie had no plot, but luckily, Tracey & Mike were there to back me up on how plot-less movies rock. Sam, feeling extremely left out & worried that Mike would no longer want to throw her on the floor & umm…talk about life with her, said, “Well, I love Dazed and Confused, & it’s about nothing.” Now, that’s one of my favourite movies, but it’s totally mainstream (since Sam saw it) & completely unlike The House of Yes in every way, so I was forced to stick my sucker up her left nostril & swish it around a little. She wasn’t happy, I must say. After the movie was over & Tracey had expressed the extreme love she felt toward me for making her watch it, we busted out the Vick’s Vaporub. I let Tracey rub a little on my face, & she let me do the same, so I went after Mike & she went after Sam. Sam locked herself in Tracey’s room, & Mike decided it was an opportune time to visit the restroom, so we patiently waited for them to come out. We never actually completed our mission, but our faces were really greasy with Vaporub goodness, so all was fine. We left for Sam’s house in hopes of playing a little Nintendo before it got dark, & Mike claimed shotgun while Tracey & I said our good-byes to Gladys. On the way to Sam’s, Tracey & I sat in the back seat & laughed at Sam while she stroked Mike’s chest & other random, disgusting, Sam-like things. (That poor girl. I hope she never reads this.) I messed with Mike’s hair since I hadn’t had the chance during the movie until we unloaded at Sam’s house. Sam immediately got Mike to play Zelda with her while Tracey & I sat & talked about her & Sam’s feminine problems & our friend, Joel. After about 800 years of that, it was dark, so we decided to leave for Fantasy Golf. Sam said to Tracey & me, “Mike gets shotgun again. He’s my hero,” because he had figured out something in Zelda for her, so Tracey & I made fun of her, & I told Mike about it just so he could be sure that she really was absolutely idiotic. Fantasy was totally closed, so we went on over to Magic Mountain. It was completely crowded with stupid teenagers like ourselves, so we made a quick plan to eat at the ever-popular piece of Heaven I like to call “Chi-Chi’s”. A guy named Scott was our waiter there, & we spent the entire time trying to decide if he was hot or not. (Well, Mike didn’t…or maybe he did…) Mike ordered the El Grande Burrito & said, “For you non-Spanish-speaking folks with us tonight, that means ‘The Big Burrito’.” (Umm…it was funny at the time. Really.) Mike also kept talking about how he & Scott were “likethis”. So weird. Sam got up at one point for a smoke break. She said a while back that she was going to stop smoking, but she’s a weakling, so she started back up again. If I haven’t said it before, let me say it now – smoking is the most disgusting habit EVER. While she was gone, Mike let out a rather disgusting burp, apologized, & did it again. I sighed & said, “You know, you always hear about these really sensitive guys somewhere out there. You hope that you’ll meet one sometime, but somehow, you know you’re going to end up spending the rest of your life with a guy who burps at Chi-Chi’s.” Then, he told me that he was going to go to whatever college I decide to go to, so all grossness was forgotten. After that, Sam started telling a story, so I was listening intently to her, unaware of my surroundings. I saw something out of the corner of my eye, so I looked across the table at Mike, & he was grabbing the little bit of stomach fat that he has & was squeezing it. I freaked out. I mean, that’s not the kind of thing that you expect to happen while eating at Chi-Chi’s. Being attacked by Mexican midgets – maybe, but stomach fat-grabbing? It just doesn’t happen. Later, Sam launched into another story about a guy who used to go to our school who’s really into drugs now, & I began talking about how Sam looks like she’s on cocaine. For some reason, the topic of acid came up, so Mike started explaining how acid doesn’t really affect you like people say it does. Tracey & Sam weren’t listening, & I was busy picking tomatoes off my nachos. Mike was dying to talk about his drug experiences, though, so he said, “Are you going to listen to me?” He has my undivided attention at all times for some reason, so I let him tell me about his time getting high. Once again, I’d like to remind each & every one of you that I have no respect for those who are weak & give into their stupid drug-laden friends, so I found it really hard to sit & listen to Mike’s “Oh look at me. I’ve done drugs. I have experience. I’m so much more worldly than you.” speech, but I dealt with it, because he’s Mike. (I still have no respect for him, just so you know.) Well, after that, we headed home. Mike & Sam had a huge discussion on religion, since she’s Catholic & the rest of us are Protestant. It was rather amusing to listen to them, since they were both trying so hard to sound smart. I took Mike back to my house so he could get his car, but I couldn’t, for the life of me, park between our minivan & his car. He asked if I wanted him to do it for me, & I actually let him. Man, that’s was the most chick-like thing I’ve done in a while, actually letting a guy do something for me. I was proud of myself. So…it was a good night. Had Sam not been touching Mike in various scary ways all night, it would have been better, but I’m not complaining. I never complain. (You can have my isolation. You can have the hate that it brings. You can have my absence of faith. You can have my everything. Help me tear down my reason. Help me. It's your sex I can smell. Help me. You make me perfect. Help me become somebody else.)

Thursday the 6th of May: I don't really want to write today, but I just found something fabulous, so I was forced to. You know, I got the new Collective Soul CD, Dosage a while ago, but I've been so hooked on Hole that I haven't had a chance to listen to it. I decided to throw into my computer's CD player while I was doing some homework, & I got a lovely surprise. This cool little screen popped up & offered to install Netscape 5.something for me, but I didn't want that, so I just pressed cancel. I thought that was the end of it since I was unwilling to install their stuff, but this other screen popped up on my Internet browser & led me to a Collective Soul site. The screen was taken up by a huge picture of the chick with the bees all around her lips from the CD cover. I adore that picture, so I just sat there studying the bees for a while until I decided to actually click something. There was a link to another page where owners of the new CD could listen to an unrealesed track. I think that track alone was good enough to spend the $12.99 for the CD on. (Shameless plug #1) So, I got done with that page & started to listen to the actual CD. The songs seemed a lot slower than those from the previous albums, but they're fabulous, of course, so I'm happy. You already know how much I adore the song Run, but there was something better about listening to it on my own CD. (Shameless plug #2) I was totally happy with No More, No Less, & Crown blew me away. (Did someone say "blow"?) Basically, if you liked the other albums, you'll get into this one, too. (Shameless plug #3) Oh, have you heard Needs on your radio station yet? Request it, kiddies! (Shamless plug #4) Well, the most exciting part came right at the end of the CD. I was about to click the "play" button after the last song was done so I could listen to the CD again, but I noticed that it was still playing. I figured that it was the little extra HyperCD thing, but I let it run anyway. Then, all of the sudden, I heard the opening riff to She Said, one of my favourite Soul songs. It was on the Scream 2 soundtrack, but I never bought that, so I swear they put it on Dosage just for me. I wish I could bottle the happiness that I felt right then & unleash it whenever I felt like it. Or at least I wish I could find a word to describe it. It's so weird how things like that make me insanely happy, but they really do. Yay! I have my song on CD!

Wednesday the 5th of May: Darn it, I have so much to write about, but now that I've sat down to do it, I can't remember anything. The school year is winding down, & I'm really ready to get out of there, but I'm also having a better time now than I have all year. Well, I was having a really, really, really, great time those last few days of the first semester when Mike brought his eels CD to Mom's room, & Tracey, Mike, & I danced around until lunch time, but this is the best time I've had all semester. When I got to school this morning, I walked into my first period class with Mr. M & set my books down like I usually do. Tracey walked in a second later, & some chicks were walking out at the same time, & they told her to watch out for the bugs. I turned to see what they were talking about, & there were all of these monster brown bugs swarmed around the door on the floor. Some of them were on their backs kicking their legs around helplessly while others just walked around aimlessly. It was just disgusting. As I looked around, I noticed a ton over by Mr. M's desk, too. Everyone started talking about them being cockroaches, but I thought they were Junebugs, so Tracey & I just left to walk around the halls until 1st period started. As we went by Mr. M's room again, we noticed that there was a whole crowd around the door, & people were freaking out, talking about how disgusting the cockrocaches were. By the time 1st period started, I let myself be convinced by everyone that they really were cockroaches, so I stood outside the door with all of my preppy rebel-wannabe friends & refused to go inside until the bugs were gone while Tracey sat inside & laughed at us for being such wimpy girls. We ended up moving class to the cafeteria where we did absolutely no work, so I was happy. The bugs turned out to be Junebugs, but still, who really wants any kind of bug dropping off the ceiling & falling on their head while they listen to a little Greek man attempt to teach functions of sine & cosine? That's what I thought.

All right, so to ruin my fabulous day today, SATAN (my English teacher, in case you've forgotten) decided to make some new rules for her classroom. I always bring some sort of drink to class to distract me from her extreme boring-ess, & SATAN always tells me to get rid of it, so I just set it on the floor & make faces at it all period. I also forget my book almost every day, but that's not a big deal since Tracey lets me share hers. Today, as I walked in with my Tremendously Tangerine Fruitopia, she began writing a notice on the board that said something about not bringing food or drinks to class & remembering our English books every day. I knew that it was directed specifically toward me, so I made sure that I waved my drink around in the air until she took notice of it & gave me a stern look. I told Joanie that if I didn't care about that class at all, I would just bring in one of those gigantic bags of popcorn & toss it up into the air & to all my friends in the class. Then, I would be sure to bring in a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi & start chugging it while SATAN reads her annoying poetry. Yeah, I'd like that.

Don't you absolutely love it when you discover people for the first time, even though you've known them forever? That probably didn't make much sense, but I don't know how to say it any better. Like, there's this guy in one of my classes that I've known for what seems like a couple hundred years, but I've never thought anything about him. He's more than a little dumb, & Mike despises him, but I just realized that he's really adorable today. I mean, I still don't plan to bear his children or anything, but at least I know that he has a really amazing smile. Maybe if he uses that on some chick, she won't realize what an idiot he is & marry him. Yeah, that's nice to think about. OK, I think that's it from me. Happy Cinco de Mayo, little Mexican people! (You're cynical and beautiful. You always make a scene. You're monochrome, delerious. You're nothing that you seem. I'm drownin in your vanity. Your laugh is a disease. You're dirty and you're sweet. You know you're everything to me. Oh, everything you are falls from the sky like a star. Everything you are, whatever ever you are. I wanna kill at the machine that made you piss away you dreams. Tear down your defenses 'til there's nothing there but me. You're angry when you're beautiful. Your love is such a tease. I'm drowning in your dizzy noise. I wanna feel you scream.)

Tuesday the 4th of May: I think today will be a short writing day. My brain is really fried & I have a monster headache, but I'm clearing it up with some Hole. (Dang, the new CD rocks. Have I mentioned that yet?) Our English class had to do something called an -ism speech for SATAN for yesterday. We had to create our own literary movement, explain its influences, style, genre, & philosophy, & write a sample piece using the -ism. Mine was "Just-Say-What-You-Want-to-Say-and-Stop-Trying-to-Impress-Everyone-with-Your-Obscure-Images-and-Figurative-Language-and-Keep-It-Short-So-Normal-People-Can-Understand-What-You’re-Trying-to-Say-Ism (A.k.a. Realism II)". It really amused the class, which is my job. I wish I could do something serious for once, but I just have to make them laugh. I have to. Well, not everyone got to present theirs yesterday, so the remaining ones went today. I have this friend named Stephanie who never ceases to amaze me when it comes to writing essays & poetry, so I was really looking forward to hers. She read this poem the other day in class about a dead relative, & it just left the entire class silent. I seriously hate poetry a lot of the time just because I usually don't know what the poet is trying to get across to the reader, which is why I write funny poetry about nothing. Stephanie takes really serious subjects & turns them into fabulous poetry, though. That chick rocks. Well, anyway, her -ism was something like "Your Worldism", & it dealt mainly with how the poet feels when he is writing. He just writes whatever came to mind, & it doesn't matter if he uses punctuation or anything. I could never write poetry like that for obvious reasons, but Steph gave examples of lyrics from bands like Matchbox 20 & Jewel that followed that style. Her sample piece was about stuff like one last good-bye to the teacher that changed her life, & one last hug from a friend she may never see again, & one last familiar slam of the locker she's used all four years of high school. It was a really touching poem, but the cool part of her speech was when she was almost done. She said, "I'd like to leave you with the words of the Goo Goo Dolls. 'What you feel is what you are, & what you are is beautiful.'" I was like, "Dang!" That quote (which can be found on my quotes page) completely rocks my world. Stephanie rocks more than ever, as well.

We took a Spanish test the other day, & I got bored with answering questions, so I started going through the test & correcting all the mistakes my Spanish teacher made. I know I'm sick, but he's also an English teacher, so he should know better. I drew little arrows to places where he forget question marks & whatnot & wrote "Not a question" & stuff beside them. I also added about 40, 000 commas & corrected his spelling. I mean, come on. Who can't spell "gross"? Really. Well, today, he wrote a question up on the board but left the question mark out & said, "Oh, wait. I'd better correct that or I might get called on it." Then, he looked at me to make sure I knew what he was talking about. I didn't get it at first, but then he started laughing, so I got it & laughed, too. Then, the rest of my class laughed. They had no idea why we were laughing, but they're all a bunch of weirdo-s, so I ignored them. Then, later on, he left a comma out of a sentence & said, "See anything missing, Katie?" Such a mean, mean man. I think I actually felt bad about doing it at one point, but he just laughed about it, & I adore his laugh, so everything was good. That was pointless. It was fun for me, though. Hey, you didn't have to read it. (Unless you were Tracey, Bethany, Karsten, or Mike, of course. It's your job to read these, people.)

Finally, today, Tracey & I were sitting in the auditorium between 5th & 6th period. There was some kind of weird science assembly happening later in the day for the middle school kids, so the stage was covered in all kinds of science-y stuff. There were a bunch of other people in there, too, so it was kind of loud. All of the sudden, this guy named Nelson walked across the stage unnoticed (except by Tracey & me, of course). He stopped at a table with a bunch of junk on it, grabbed a yellow, rubber glove, & put it on. He stopped to wave at the us, even though no one was paying attention to him, & then put on the other glove. A minute later, he picked up a crowbar-ish thing, walked to a nearby trash can, & started "beating the hell out of it", as Tracey so delicately put it. After a few whacks, the auditorium went completely silent, Nelson looked offstage at someone, & continued hitting it. Then, he left. It was just weird. Just plain weird. Well, that was my day. Whee! (Miles and miles of perfect skin. I swear I do, I fit right in. My love burns through everything. I cannot breathe.)

Monday the 3rd of May: Tracey was absent today, so I was completely lost for the entire day, but I looked really cute, so I was getting used to not having Tracey by the end of 1st period. During 6th period, I went to visit the Greek man, Mr. M, to take my Honors Algebra III test. (Notice how I can't just say the word "math". I have to let you know that I'm in the highest math class. Oh, look at me. I'm smart.) Future husband #112, Steve, was in the class, & he made a really stupid comment, so I looked up from Mr. M's desk, not realizing that it was Steve who made the comment, & he was looking at me. Even though it goes against everything I believe in, I nodded my head at him like I do at all the guys I'd like to throw down on the floor and...umm...talk about life with. I don't know why I'm like that. I just nod my head or raise my eyebrows to tell people that I really want to...umm...talk about life with them, because I could never belittle myself by actually saying "hi" to them or anything. I'm sick, I tell you. I realized today that I really have to stop complaining about the lack of guys in my school, because there really isn't. There's this guy who lives down the road from me, & I completely love him, but he's a freshman, so I never used to see him, but he's started coming to talk to the group of people that I hang out with after lunch, so I get to see him every day. It's a good situation. Actually, I think I'm a sucker for younger guys. (Maybe I secretly hope to overpower them with my womanly ways.) I don't think there's like one guy in the senior class that I care a bit about this year. That's weird. Mike has this freshman friend who's become like a clone of Mike, so I enjoy him emensely, of course, but I've never even talked to the kid. Why am I writing about this? I'm insane.

Yikes. I was reading Entertainment Weekly while I was taking a little break from the exciting world of tennis-playing with Joanie today, & I read this article about what the stars are looking forward to this summer. Reese Witherspoon, star of Pleasantville & Cruel Intentions, said, "Notting Hill. My girlfriend & I were like, "Ohh! Can't wait to see that!" OK, I want to see Notting Hill, too, but that wasn't what caught my attention. What the heck? Is Reese a scary lesbian or something? I'm sure she could be talking about her friend who happens to be a girl, but I don't think you just go around saying "girlfriend" without clarifying yourself. Hmm...it's something to think about.

Whew! I've just about worn out my "One free annoying, useless writing" coupon. I'm gonna end this before it gets any worse. Wait, I have one more thing to say. You know that Bare, Jr. song, You Blew Me Off? Well, if you don't, it's about this guy who's completely turned on by a chick who keeps blowing him off. The more she seems to hate him, the more he wants her. Can I just say right now that that is completely unattractive? I mean, I certainly blow people off, but no one better blow me off. Wait. I don't really blow people off. I give them a head nod. Just know in the future that if I ever do that to you, it most likely means that I want to throw you down &...umm...talk about life with you. Yeah, just wanted to clarify that. (Why can't we not be sober? I just want to start this over. Why can't we drink forever. I just want to start things over. I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave. I will work to elevate you just enough to bring you down. Trust me. Mother Mary won't you whisper something but what's past and done? Trust me.)

Sunday the 2nd of May: Well, yesterday I told you that I was going to watch movies last night, & that's exactly what I did, but that's not what I want to write about. I took my mom out for a ride so we could take back my movies & get some pizza. After we got home, I turned on the TV to watch my favourite part of Happy Gilmore. You know, the part where Happy is playing golf with Bob Barker & he says, "The price is wrong, bitch." I love that part. Well, for TV, they edited it so Happy said, "The price is wrong, BOBBY,". Bobby? Geez. (Tracey, you don't have to read this next part.) Later, I decided that I hadn't picked up any men in mIRC for a while, so I got online. I went in to chat as Sparklehorse, the name that I use when I'm too lazy to actually think of anything, & I messed with people's minds for a while. I met a fabulous guy named Joe from Canada (Yay, Canada!), but I left him after he told me that he had no direction in life, that he just wanted to do "somethign easy". Mike was online, so he told me to talk to him. We talked about my gay friend's strawberry-tasting knees for a while until someone named [F]rench [T]oast messaged me & asked to buy my socks. I always talk to people about their socks, so I was happy. After I offered to give the person my socks for a certain amount if they promised to use them only for evil, Mike told me that it was a friend of his. I figured that it was the Kristin chick who Mike told me took my place while I was getting a new computer. The chick was so much like me that I knew I was going to love her, especially when she told me that she knew that I was a closet Austin 3:16-lover, I told her that I had a whole bunch of WCW shirts in the back of my closet that I got out every night & danced around in while listening to Joey McIntyre & Backstreet Boys, & she said she knew because she took pictures of me every night. She was totally playing along with my lesbian act, & we started talking about having an orgy with Mike, so we all three got a room together. Then, bad things started happening. Mike said, "Tang tang, looky here. It's all of us eating cheese together," & she said, "Tra la la. Eating cheese & drinking Tang." I'm not sure why, but I felt totally violated when she said that. Maybe she talks about Tang on a regular basis, but that was like, a thing that I kind of only do with Mike...or something. I don't know. She just made me mad. I still liked her, though. She told me that she was Christin. I've never heard of anyone who spells her name like that, but I dealt with it because Mike likes her. Of course, they upset me, because neither one of them can spell or use punctuation. (Really sorry about that, Mike.) Mike kept getting kicked offline, so Christin & I talked about Hole & Barbie's boobs while he was gone. I said I planned to look much like Barbie later in life, & Christin said that she would, too, when she lost about 900 lbs and grew boobs and got longer legs. I was still liking her at that point, but then she started saying "cum on me" & talking about how much she hated Dave Matthews Band. Now, everyone knows that I absolutely adore DMB's Crush, so I wanted to beat her. Oh, & she said "kewl". I can't deal with that. (Ha, I'm the one who says "rawk", though.) She also said that she thinks Happy Gilmore is a dumb movie, so I really did beat her, then. Then, she changed her name to ChimmyChongaWorker, which completely pissed me off for reasons that none of you will ever understand. After that, she kept changing her name so that it could be associated with mine. Like, when I was Big_Big_Anus (don't ask), she made herself The_Hemorrhoid_Queen, & when I became TRU_PLAYA (don't ask again), she became Thugz4LIFE. I don't know why it bothered me, but it did. (I'm a troubled person, OK?) When she was Thugz4LIFE, Mike said, "What up, homies?" (Even though he used absolutely no punctuation nor capital letters. Shut up. I notice things like that. Deal with it.) So, she launched into a "i be keepin it real foo...werd to my momma niggah" thing. When Mike does that with me, I beat him. It disgusts & saddens me that she goes along with it. We were terribly alike in so many ways, but the things that made us different made me sick. Like, she was totally sucking up to Mike. I got fed up with it at one point & had to say something, but I'm just nice enough that it kept me from actually calling her a whore or anything. She also watched MTV, which is an obvious no-no, & she kept saying "o-tay" which made Mike say things like "o chey". So weird. I enjoyed the conversation overall, though, just so you know. In fact, I wouldn't mind talking to Christin again for good measure. Man, I hope Mike isn't reading this. If you are, don't tell her I said any of this about her, dude. I should definitely learn how to keep things to myself. OK, enough about that.

Today, Joanie & I skipped church since we were freaking tired. I'm so bad about that. You know, I must marry a church boy. I've already decided that...Or maybe it was decided for me before I was born or something. I need the stability that a church boy will provide for me. I suppose I have to actually start going to church all of the time instead of staying out on Saturday nights with my friends in order to meet one, though, don't I? Well, we played tennis this afternoon so I could get even more sunburned. I haven't played in a while, & I really sucked, but it was really fun. I didn't have any pockets to put the tennis balls in, so I kept sticking them in the elastic of my shorts & hoping that they would stay there. They wouldn't, though. They kept falling down the legs of my shorts, & it looked like I really did have balls. I made about 400, 000 jokes about having to situate my balls & whatnot while my sister tried to pretend that she didn't get them. Ahh, it's great being me. OK, I think I'm done here now. I'm off to bug Bethany. (I’ve found a way to make you, I’ve found a way, a way to make you smile. I read bad poetry into your machine. I save your messages just to hear your voice. You always listen carefully to awkward rhymes. You always say your name, like I wouldn’t know it’s you at your most beautiful...At my most beautiful, I count your eyelashes, secretly. With every one, whisper "I love you". I let you sleep. I know you’re closed eye watching me, listening. I thought I saw a smile.) Ah, Michael Stipe rocks! I love that man...with a passion.

Saturday the 1st of May: I really have nothing to write about as always, but it's May, & wanted to get this page up & running. I suppose I'll tell you a little about last night. Tracey & I had to get up extrememly early this morning due to some circumstances that we would rather not share with you at this time (don't think anything about that...just keep reading), so we decided to do something right after school, so we could get to bed early. Since I've been bugging everyone I know to go putt-putting with me (to absolutely no avail), Tracey finally said she wanted to go, too. We left her house at about 4:30 & went to our local putt-putt course. The sign outside said, "Welcome Indian Guides," which freaked us out, but we went inside anyway. There was absolutely no one there (save the thousands of boys in the batting cage), so we got to do pretty much whatever we wanted. I hit my ball into the water surrounding the holes about 4000 times, leading me to the realization that I suck at putting. (I'm taking lessons this summer, though. I'll get better.) There was a little gazebo after one hole, so Tracey & I stopped to sing the song & do that dance that the dudes in The Sound of Music did. It was some of the best putt-putting fun I've ever had. It was still early when when got done, so we went to Kroger to pick up Labyrinth for the 800th time. We stopped at the park on the way home to do a little swinging & so I could check out the new playground. There was a cool little girl there with her grandparents. She had red hair. I decided that I want a kid with red hair if I ever decided to have kids. I told Tracey that I suppose that means I have to find a smart, soccer-playing guy with red hair who works at Blockbuster, or I can just make my kid dye his hair for his entire life. (That's not too much to ask, right?) We went back to her house after that & began the movie. It just keeps getting better every time, I swear. I do love my David Bowie. I let Tracey mess with my hair, which was a huge privilege, let me tell you. That may sound weird, but since I have curly hair, I don't let anyone touch it. I'm running on about 3 hours of sleep now, so I think I'm just going to make someone come over & watch movies with me tonite. Yeah, that's good. (I've been thinking a lot today...)

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