Tuesday the 25th of April: I had a really great day today. Before I went to sleep last night, I was thinking about how little sleep I was going to get. When I woke up, & my alarm clock was flashing 5:20. I usually wake up exactly at 5:20 & run downstairs to take a shower, so I was hoping that it really was 5:20, but judging from the light outside my bedroom window, I knew it was later. It was actually 6:11, so I really had plenty of time to get ready, but Joanie & I decided that we refused to make it to school on time. We ended up not getting there until 8:00, well into 1st period. I got to miss hearing my stupid teacher for half the period, so I was quite happy. Second period is always a great period, but before I went into class, I saw this chick that I have a certain amount of dislike for, & she was wearing a pair of those ugly, ugly pedal-pushers/capri pants with this really disgusting shirt. I pointed & laughed at her & told Mike to look at her, but he has a certain amount of intense love for her, so I'm sure he wasn't offended by her disgusting attire at all. At the beginning of 3rd period, a few of my friends & I were supposed to go to the cafeteria to go over some questions for the condensed mock trial we were going to perform for the middle school kids. SATAN freaked out when we told her that we were supposed to leave, so she ran out of the room to discuss it with our Mock Trail coach guy. An announcement came on telling us to go to the cafeteria, so we left. Our teacher came back in the room & freaked out because we were gone, so I really can't wait to get yelled at tomorrow. I wish people knew what little yelling does to me. I just want to laugh at them, & sometimes I do. Hahaha. So, later in the day, we went to the auditorium & did our little thing for the kids. It was completely thrown together, & we had all the objections planned & whatnot, so it actually a little bit fun. There were some high school kids from some unknown class sitting in the back of the auditorium, & while our coach was explaining some things, this amazing guy that I have this total thing for got up & walked across one of the rows to sit down. He's in my 2nd period class, & well, I just can't explain him. I'm not really the type of person who sits & stares at people I don't know, but this guy is that amazing. He's in my grade & he's friends with Mike, so I should know him, but he's just really quiet & hard to get to know. I sat behind him earlier in the year & talked to him like two times, but he never says a word in our class now. He's been dating this one chick who graduated last year for like 800 years, & he says he's going to marry her, but I don't care. I have no idea how he feels about me, but I imagine that he doesn't hate me since I'm one of the least annoying people in my 2nd period class. (Wow, the girl who never shuts up is actually less annoying that someone else? Come on, quit thinking that. I have good things to say. Really. I do.) OK, enough about him. Wait, one more thing. He's really thin. I'm talking thin here. Tracey says that he reminds her of one of the starving Jewish people in the Holocaust movie we're watching in History right now. Now, I like thin, but I'm not a big fan of violently thin, but he makes it look hot. Yum. Can I say "yum"? Yum. OK, so after school, I called Heath & Mike & told them to come over since I had Fargo, but only Mike came. (Not that I mind that.) Hmm...what can I say? First off, let's talk about Mike's general demeanor. OK, the boy does what he wants to. Man, if I didn't love him so darn much, I would definitely have beaten him several times for random things like calling me a dork, pelting me with sausage (not that he really did that), & unwrapping my new CDs. Just when I'm about to whip out my rubber pancakes & start bashing him, he smiles his little smile or calls my sister a name. Ha. OK, enough of that. The movie was...umm...well, there's not really much to say about it. Steve Buscemi was in it, & he rocks, but the movie was rather...uninteresting? I mean, I wasn't bored, but I just didn't care for it that much. Heath told us that he liked it, but I wasn't really into it that much. After he left, I drove Mom to the Kroger near Blockbuster so I could take back my movies & she could get her medicine refilled. I headed on over to get some new movies, & when I walked in the door, one of the hot guys said hi, but then all of the men disappeared. I don't know where they went to, but they were gone, & I was left with just a chick. She was the cool chick, though, so it wasn't bad. I have no time to watch movies, but they're there if I need them.
Oh, another thing about today: Tracey & I wore our matching Hawaiian shirts. That's always fun, & it really confuses the student body. Half of the people are like, "Oh, you guys are so cute," & the other half are like, "Wow, do you guys know that you're wearing matching shirts?!" All of them always ask, "Hey, did you guys plan that?", though. We always act totally surprised that we happen to be wearing the same shirt, but we make fun of everyone & pelt them with wilted buttercups. All right, 'tis time for me to go. (Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white. And in between the moon and you, the angels get a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right. I walk in the air between the rain, through myself and back again. Where? I don’t know.)
Sunday the 24th of April - Monday the 25th of April: After school on Friday, I had to take my mom to the doctor for a little bit of blood testing, I came home, I sat around & watched soap operas for a while, I went out & sat in the sun for a while, & then, I called Mike. I had mentioned wanting to go to some sort of record store earlier, so he called Heath to see if he would come along with us. I got on the computer & called Tracey to waste some time when I got done with him. ("Got done with him"? Geez.) We ended up talking for 400 years like we used to back in the day. (My Lord, I'm getting old. "Back in the day"?) It was nice. Then, my parents started trying to talk me into going out to eat with them, Joanie, & Bethany, so I called Mike back to make some definite plans. We're completely boring people who can never think of anything to do on a Friday night, but we sat & thought about it for a while. I asked him what normal people do on Friday nights, & he went into his whole thing about how they do the same things we do except while drinking. I love how he thinks that he's so much more advanced than me. He always says, "You may think that their lives are exciting, but believe me, they're not", in one of his voices, as if I've never been around people who do drugs or anything. I think that because he's actually given in & tried some stuff that he feels like he's more sophisticated than I am or something. Yes, Mike, DRUGS = COOL. Ha. So, we ended up with plans to go to Blockbuster. Mike seems totally bored with that idea, but I think I could sit & twidle my thumbs & still have fun with him. All right, none of that. So, I called Heath to see what he wanted to do, & he was happy coming to my house as long as Mike would lead him here. Then, I called Tracey & made her come along, so she came to my house & read my magazines while I attempted to make myself look alive. We left for Blockbuster around 8 or something. It was really weird having Heath & Mike together. Tracey was doing her "Yay, I'm with men!" thing that she does, & the boys were talking about Wood class things that completely lost me. We spent like 400 years in Blockbuster. I had watched The House of Yes with Joanie a few days earlier, & it completely rocked, so I wanted to get that, but no one listened to me. Heath & Mike went off in one direction, Tracey & I in another. As we were standing in the comedy section, I gasped & ran over to the new releases. My lovely foreign exchange student, Renato, was standing there. I hopped in front of him in a very Katie-like way, & said, "Hey, Renato!" He said, "Hi," in that really quiet, Chilean way of his, & Mike came over to get in on the action. (Sounds like we were about to have some sort of orgy, eh? Nevermind.) Mike completely took over the conversation, so Tracey & I did a little dance until they were done. Mike walked away, so Renato asked me if I knew of any good movies he should see. Stupid me, I couldn't think of anything. We walked around for another 800 years, & finally ended up with Boogie Nights & Fargo. We took a "little trippy" to Kroger where Tracey, determined not to get any raw fat, quickly gave in & got some raw fat along with a gallon of fat free skim milk (Dang! Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned 2%?!), I picked out some Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia, Mike borrowed enough money to get some Phish Food (which he totally didn't appreciate & I will never get paid back for), & Heath picked up a lovely assortment of chips & pop. We headed back to my house, & on the way, we talked about my lying friend who used to think she had a relationship with a certain actor who shall remain nameless. Heath & Mike thought it was like the funniest thing. Upon pulling into my driveway, we realized that my parents had arrived earlier than expected. Knowing that my mom & dad wouldn't appreciate seeing Mark Wahlberg nude (not just naked, mind you), we turned around & drove to Tracey's. We decided to watch Boogie Nights first, just in case it really sucked, & let me tell you, it completely cracked me up. I mean, anything even slightly porn-ish cracks me up, but the acting in it was so atrocious (or Heaven forbid, they were trying to act that way) & the lines were so hilarious at times. So you want an example, eh? Umm...here's one. "I can't wait to see you in action. You've got a huge cock." I mean, come on. That's funny. Admit it. I just wanted plain, old, fun porn. The movie actually had some sort of plot, though. That kind of scared me. Heath & Mike kept saying the stupidest things that made Tracey & me roll on the floor. Heath told us about running down kids in the parking lot of our school & stuff before the play...oh, man. I tell you, I love those boys. At the very end (sorry if you haven't seen the movie & don't know what I'm talking about), we all four shielded our eyes in horror. Geez. I have one word for that: "Dang". Yeah. We didn't get to watch Fargo since we got home so late, but that's nothing unusual. Saturday night, I went to Chi-Chi's with Tracey, Sam, Joanie, & her friend Katie. I had my jeans rolled up, & I kept kicking my legs out from under the table & calling myself a dork for having rolled pants. Fun night. Good times.
OK, so I was sitting at church yesterday morning, & I realized how weird couples are. Like, I saw this really fun guy who I used to be friends with, & he was with this really stupid chick. I mean, he's not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box, but why would he settle for her? Maybe my dreams are a little unrealistic, but I don't get why smart people end up with stupid ones. (It's almost conceivable when the idiot is really good-looking, but even that's stretching it.) I also can't deal with people who are together just because. Man, if you can't even talk to someone while you're with them, why even bother? I'm a talker, & I need someone who'll talk about (to a certain point...after a while I just have to beat some people to get them to shut up). Find someone who likes some things that you do & marry them. Oh, speaking of that, my cousin is getting married soon, & I was at her wedding shower yesterday. We played this game where we had to use our knowledge about my cousin, Jamie, & her fiance to answer questions. One of the questions was, "How did you know that Matt was 'the one'?" Jamie's answer was something about when she got in his car & he turned on the radio, & it was set on a country station. Jamie said she wanted a guy who liked country, & she knew Matt was for her then. I thought that was weird, but it was also cool. Not to embarrass Mike here or anything, but the first time I knew that I was seriously going to be able to get along with him was the first time I rode in his car on our way to a used CD store. I had known him for quite a while, so I knew he listened to the same radio staion that I did (I swear, we're the only ones in our school), but as we were driving up the hill that's just beyond my house, he started singing along to the "Andy, are you goofing on Elvis? Hey, baby," part of R.E.M,'s song, Man on the Moon. I don't know why I liked it so much or why I even remember it, but I guess weird things like that appeal to me.
Yay! Guess what!? Today, after 1st period with the most disgusting teacher in the world, I followed this guy named Sam out of class, & Tracey said, "Katie, did you see what he was carrying?" I didn't, so she told me that he had a copy of silverchair's Neon Ballroom. Dang. During class, I was talking about the fact that I was terribly impressed with his Fossil watch & Billabong shirt, & then he had my band's CD! I had to e-mail him & tell him how much I love him, of course, & I'm happy now. As long as there's one other person in my school who appreciates my boys, things are good. Oh, speaking of that, silverchair is coming to Ohio again. A dude named Josh in my Spanish class told me since he knows how much I love them, but I know I won't be allowed to go since it's at the Newport. My parents won't let me go there, but at least I know Josh & his friend will be smokin' weed to my favourite band. Yeah.
To continue this extremely long post, I went to Best Buy & Media Play to use all of the gift certificates I've accumlulated since Christmas, & let me tell you, I got the greatest stuff. I don't really wanna bore you any more, but I have to give a little run-down of what I got.
- Hole's Celebrity Skin finally - CD 101 is boycotting them since they cancelled their Columbus show, so I just had to break down & buy it. (The new stuff rocks. I don't care what you say.)
- Fastball's All the Pain Money Can Buy - I've loved all the songs I've heard, & I'm happy to finally have Which Way to the Top? on CD.
- Collective Soul's Dosage - Yeah, I love those guys. Plus, the whole honey motif on the Cd booklet really rocks.
- The CMJ new music magazine - It's got Ben Folds Five's Army, Fountains of Wayne's Denise, Dangerman's Let's Make a Deal with the cool Spanish in it, & some other stuff that I desperately need.
- The new Launch with Alanis on the cover - I like Alanis, but I bought it for the silverchair stuff & Wilco's song Can't Stand It.
Thursday the 22nd of April: We had an assembly at school today. We all knew it was going to be the usual "Prom-Weekend-is-Coming-Soon-So-Start-Thinking-About-the-Consequences-of-Sex" talk, so it was no surprise when a "chubby white woman" (hey, she called herself that, kids) got up front & told us not to have sex. She really was rather amusing, but I think her attention-getting tactics made us take her less seriously. She was one of those "I listen to your music. I talk about arousal. You all dig me. Yeah." I don't really know how to explain the assembly, but my lovely friends Joel, Lisa, & Tracey helped me compile this list of quotes from her. Here we go:
- "God didn't create orgasms & then go to wash his hands. God didn't think sex was dirty. God liked sex!"
- "I want you all to have spine-tingling sex!"
- "Sex is the icing on the cake, & I know cake sucks without icing."
- "Fruit flies have sex, & they don't turn into men!"
- "Give girls the pill, give guys condoms, & let them screw their little buns off!"
OK, now here's a little list of my lovely friend Joel's quotes that were inspired by the assembly woman. He wanted me to write down, so here you are:
- "It's better to be pissed off than pissed on."
- Let's get drunk & screw!"
- Two year-olds can get it up, but they can't get it on."
- I have genital warts, & it hurts when I pee. I think I'll tie a rope to my penis & jump from a tree!"
If I haven't mentioned how fun Joel is before, I am now. I love that boy. Anyway, some of the woman's stories were really great, but when she said "If you were really hit by lightning every time you had sex, there would be bloated, charred bodies all over the halls with flies on them," I lost it. You know, there are all those thousands of crazy kids screwing in the halls of our school. Then, she went into all the different kinds of holiday sex there are. You've got your Thanksgiving sex when you do it to lose some weight, your Valentine's/birthday/anniversary sex when it has to be really romantic to keep your woman happy, your "we-just-saw-fireworks-so-let's-have sex" 4th of July sex, your "I-just-found-out-I-have-a-terminal-illness-so-let's-go-have-sex" sex, your "our-baby-just-died-so-let's-go-have-sex" sex, etc. The woman amused me at times, but considering that she was old & scary, I just know that's she's never had sex, so I couldn't really listen to anything she said. It did kind of get me thinking, though. OK, I know I seem like a totally self-absorbed freak on here, but there's actually a nice person lurking somewhere inside me. As much as some people would like to believe that I'm the whore that I seem like, I'm totally not. In fact, I'm one of those people who hopes to wait until marriage. (Of course, my parents & Bethany aren't allowed to know that.) The assembly woman said, "When you think you're having sex with one guy, you're actually having it with every girl he's been with & every guy that each one of those girls has been with". Now, as much fun as that massive orgy sounds like, it also really disgusts me. A whole lot of the guys at our school are all into talking about how much sex they've had just to try to impress chicks, but seriously, guys who talk about NOT having it are the ones I'm interested in. (That could be one of the reasons that I basically never date anyone from my school, though.) I suppose I'm really just a good girl at heart, even though I listen to Marilyn Manson at times just to freak Bethany out. Oh, that leads me to another subject. This whole Colorado shooting thing is kinda making me mad. Yeah, yeah, I realize that all of you feel terrible for the families of the injured kids & whatnot. So do I, whatever. (That wasn't an apathetic "whatever", by the way. Just an "I-don't-really-want-to-talk-about-that-on-here" "whatever", OK?) One of the things that's making me a little upset is the whole "Hey, we seriously need someone to blame for this whole shooting deal, & we certainly can't blame the kids themselves, so let's use Marilyn Manson & the kids' environment as our scape goat instead". Come on. No one is to blame except the kids. Sure, they were made fun of. Maybe their parents beat them or molested them. Maybe they hated their school. Maybe they listened to music that parents deem "unacceptable" or "Satanic". Guess what? That's no excuse. It was completely the kids' fault. No one made them shoot anyone. They could have easily just bought themselves some different clothes if getting made fun of was just too much for them to handle. Idiots. I can't deal with the stupidity that is radiating from the media & my friends. Of course, this is all just my not-so-humble opinion, but I'm right, darn it, so listen to me. K, I think I'm done for the night. Whee. (Can you feel my love buzz?...Hate a lot of things, but I love a few things, & you are one of them.) Have I written that before? I don't remember. I like that song, though. I'm just going to say right now that Mike & his eels CD rock. Yeah.
Wednesday the 21st of April: Tracey & I were at our friend Sam's house the other day, & she was talking about how she saw her old friend Christina at the Bob Evans Christina works at. Christina took Sam aside & told her that she was dating this guy named Todd. It was a pointless story (ha, like I'm one to talk about telling pointless stories), but after Sam was done telling it, she said something that I had been thinking about before that a lot. You see, Christina is like 2 feet tall, & Todd isn't much better, & Sam said, "Man, they're gonna have little kids," or something like that. When I was a kid (hey, I'm 17 now), I just looked for the guy who I thought was the cutest, but as I got older, I actually started thinking about my future. It's really sad. It should always be about who's the cutest, but it's not, I'm afraid. Like I've said before, I used to be way into that whole "bad boy" thing. Then, I started realizing that if I wouldn't want to have my kids turn out like that, I shouldn't even consider liking those people. It sounds weird, I know, but that's how my mind works. Now, at this point in my life, I don't really think I want to ever have kids (I'm sure that'll change later, though), but when I meet someone, I start thinking about whether or not our kids would be good. Like, people tell me that I have a perfect nose, so I figure that even if I end up with someone with a weird nose, our kids would still have a decent chance of getting an OK nose. Or since I have crazy curly hair, I have to find someone with straight hair so our kids won't hate us. And just in case my kids want to be tall, I need to find someone who's at least a couple of inches taller than me. (I'm 5'7", & that's pretty tall for a chick. Not freakishly tall like some people I know, though.) I definitely have to marry a soccer player no matter what, so my kids can be assured good legs. (That's important, you know.) It's not all about looks, though (just mostly). I need brains. I have the best spelling & grammer skills EVER, as you've witnessed on this page (don't say anything), so if I fall madly in love with someone who's an idiot when it comes to that stuff, I'm just gonna have to forget about him & move on. My kids are gonna be smart, darn it. Good dressing is also an issue, & I need someone who is creative, can draw more than stick people, & is as non-conformist as possible. (I can't stand the people who try to be different, though. Just be yourself, kiddies.) Man, my standards are too high. At least the money thing isn't an issue. I've got that taken care of hopefully, so as long as I end up with someone who works hard even though they don't have to, things will be good. Tracey says that she'll marry a poor guy if she loves him, but man, I don't know about that. Being happy in love is great, but if the guy can't provide any financial support, he's not much of a man. (Unless he's in a band that's trying to get signed. Bands are good. Only in that case is a man allowed to be poor, OK?) Wow, if you didn't think I was shallow & full of myself before, you do now. Yay! (And I looked up at the sky last night, and I thought I saw a bomb. And why won't you just tell me what's going on? Tell me what's going on.)
Monday the 19th of April: Well, as I'm sure you've already read at least a million times on this site, I hate MTV. I'm a total MuchMusic girl for obvious reasons (hello, they actually play music, Canadian music), but Tracey told me about 20 mintutes ago that MTV.com is going to be replaying their Blur cybercast at 9 tonight. I adore Blur, so I went to the stupid MTV site to get myself hooked up. I was scrolling along the side of the page when I noticed the word "Silverchair". Now, MTV capitalized the "s" even though the one in silverchair's name really isn't, but I overlooked that & clicked on the link anyway. It took me to a really nice little article that says the usual crap about how it's so amazing that the guys have done what they have at such a young age & whatnot along with a nice little picture of the band. Then, you're taken to a little interview some dude had with Daniel. The interviewer asked all of the usual "So, you were like, depressed or something when you wrote these lyrics?" questions that have to annoy the heck out of poor Daniel. They have this really great picture of Dan looking kind of young-ish, but underneath it, they have written in big, block letters, "Daniel John". Yikes. Umm...his last name is Johns. Geez. God forbid someone actually care enough about a band to actually do some research on it. Anyway, MTV put a RealAudio version of the Anthem for the Year 2000 video with the interview. Since I don't watch MTV, I hadn't seen the video. It rocks, just let me tell you. I really think Daniel is dealing with this fame thing now that he's said some of what he's been trying to say all along on the new album. It kind of scares me that Neon Ballroom is so good, though. Like, one of our nearby crappy metal stations has been playing Anthem a little, & I let Tracey listen to Ana's Song when I had the CD in Study Hall with me one day, & she totally loves the new stuff. I want my friends to love the band as much as I do, but I also want to keep them to myself in a way. I know it's stupid, but when one of my friends is really into a band, I kind of leave that band alone. I complain about not seeing enough silverchair in magazines & whatnot, but I don't really want people knowing about them somehow. Weird. Weird, I am.
You know, I think I'm becoming more of a wannabe by the second. Like, all this time, I've been bashing all of my friends who are all excited about Prom, but all of the sudden, I've decided that I want to go. Wait, that's not really what I mean. I don't want to get a big, stupid dress. I don't want to have my hair done. I don't want to go out to eat at some stupid restaurant with someone I don't care about at all. It's just the idea of Prom, though. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm going, & when I say no, they all freak out. Maybe that's the problem. I'm expected to go. Everyone's got these really weird dreams for me. It's kind of scary. They all want me to go with Mike & wear those weird little flowers in my hair. I told Tracey & Katie today that I'm going to get an orange, sequined dress that's really tight all the way down to my knees, then it'll poof out with hundreds of tie-dyed yards of that really thin, hard material. The tie-dyed part will have lots of pink in it to clash with the orange, & I'll wear disgusting red, fuzzy shoes to clash with the pink. The top of the dress will be cut down to my belly button, & Katie wants it to have one of those form-fitting bra things in it that push your boobs over to your armpits. (Attractive, eh?) It'll only have one sleeve, & the sleeve will have a big hole in the shoulder like those shirts people used to wear when we were in 8th grade. (Tracey had about 400 of them, I think.) I'm not exactly sure what I'll do with my hair, but since it's curly, maybe I'll just brush it out & make it really poofy. Then, I'll let someone dump a bunch of that stupid hair glitter in it so it'll look like I have massive dandruff. I'll wear one red, fuzzy glove on the arm that doesn't have a sleeve & some of those feather earrings that the white trash used to have a few years ago. (Sorry if you wore those, too, Tracey.) Yeah, that would rock. If I can get that dress, & Mike's willing to be seen with me (& why wouldn't he? I'm gonna look HOT, my friends.), I'm definitely going to Prom. No, actually one of the few guys that I would actually consider going with asked me the other day, but I just couldn't bring myself to actually say yes since I've been bashing at all along. Maybe I'm an idiot. I'll probably regret not going ten years from now. Yeah, right. I seriously think just going somewhere to eat with someone you actually somewhat like is better than going to Prom with a bunch of idiots that you hate, though. Man, I'm lost. As Damon Albarn says in Tender, "Lord I need to find someone who can heal my mind." Yes, that's it exactly.
OK, Bethany is sitting by me right now, & she just told me a story. It was a funny story. I liked it. I'm going to tell it to you. So, Bethany was in Spanish IV 4 months ago or something, & her scary class (with the weird-o Mormom teacher...not that there's anything wrong with being Mormon. OK, yes, there is something wrong with being Mormon. It freaks me out.) was talking about the joys of premarital sex (haha, joys). Renato, the exchange student that I plan to bear the children of, was sitting quietly in the back of the room. The class turned to him & asked him what things were like in Chile when it comes to premarital sex. Renato, being the crazy Chilean that he is, said, "Sex is good in Chile." Haha. I love that boy. (Tender is the night, lying by your side. Tender is the touch of someone that you love too much. Tender is my heart, you know. I'm screwing up my life.)
Sunday the 18th of April: Well, last night was the last night (was the last night was the last night) of the play. It was kind of sad, really. Well, actually it was too much fun to be sad, but there was a lingering feeling of sadness in the back of my mind or something. Everything went really well, & the audience was way more into it than Friday night's was. Of course, we were all doing weird things since it was the last time we were going to perform it. We completely screwed up the last scene, but the audience didn't notice, of course. After it was over, we had a million people take pictures of us, & then we all went back to change & get our disgusting make-up off before the cast party. (We still kept the lovely gray paint in our hair, though.) The lead guy, Brandon, was the one who threw the party, & his mom was freaking out about all the people who showed up. She stood outside & yelled at everyone who drove in the grass to get into the driveway. We just kind of laughed, threw styrofoam rocks at her, & went inside. We watched some of Happy Gilmore as soon as we got there. A guy from the play named Josh kept completely cracking up at the movie, which made the rest of us completely crack up. After a while, we wanted to play a little joke on Brandon & leave for a while (We're dorks, OK?), so we all said good-bye & got in our cars. Brandon's mom asked us where we were going, so we told her we would be back soon. She just watched us leave, so we thought she was cool with it. We came back after almost hitting 400 cats, & Brandon's mom got all mad & told us that the next time we left, it would be for the night. We went into the house & started bashing her like the disrespective kids that we are. We felt weird being there with her, so about 8 of us got in our cars & headed to Dairy Queen. Since we live in a hick town & everything closes at like 9, DQ was shut down. (The gross music they play there was still blasting from the speakers outide, though.) We decided to go to Wal-mart since it's open 24 hours, so we headed to the nearest town. There was absolutely no one there, & the employees were staring at us for some odd reason. (Maybe it was the fact that we were a bunch of 16 & 17 year-olds with grey hair. No, that can't be it.) So, we left there for Tim Hortons. It was closed, too, so we went to Taco Bell. There was a guy singing & mopping inside, but it was closed, so we headed to a nearby Kroger. There were only 4 of us left at this point, three girls & one guy. We girls went into the Kroger bathroom to get ourselves looking good for Josh (ha), & while we were in there, Josh swears he got hit on by an old woman. He says that she asked him what he was doing later on, & he told her that he was going home with his wife. The woman heard us giggling in the bathroom, so he says that she left him alone. We walked around for a while, but my cousin Bethany was all freaked about being picked up for violating curfew. Josh decided he wanted some white grape juice, so we went to check out. I hit on a guy in the check-out line, & he seemed into it, but I had forgotten about my grey hair. If some 17 year-old with grey hair hit on me, I don't know what I'd do. Plus, I had used white powder instead of the grey paint, so it looked like I had really bad dandruff. Hmm...So, we decided it was late & we were tired, so we started for home. Some whores were getting arrested or something by a bar we had to stop by to wait on a train, & Bethany got all geeked about us violating curfew again, so she made us lock our doors & whatnot. You know, a couple of kids riding around in the Dougmobile (Bethany's car...don't ask) with grey hair on a Saturday night are prime targets for rape. Today we go back to tear down our set, so at least I get to see my little friends one last time all together. (What was best of all was the longing look you gave me, that longing look across the hymnbooks and the canvas chairs. The longing look you gave me, that longing look...More than enough to keep me fed all year.)
Friday the 16th of April: Well, today was one of those really great days that I wrote about yesterday. I had to get to school at 7 am since we had to get our make-up on for the teaser we were performing for the student body later in the morning. After the initial sleepiness wore off, & my eyes finally opened up enough for me to stop swerving off the road & crashing into sleeping bovine on my way to school, I knew it was going to be a good day. In the play, my character is a 51 year-old postman (or postwoman, whatever), so I had to get crazy wrinkles drawn all over my face. Now, besides spiders, getting old & disgusting is my biggest fear, so I was freaking out about having to purposely make myself look half-dead. (All old people look like they could fall over & die at anytime, you know.) As soon as I got used to the big, nasty, black lines all over my face, things were good. My hair was colored gray with this cool spray stuff, & everyone kept telling me how cute I looked with my little curls all painted gray. I actually kind of enjoyed looking that way, as sick as it is. The "wrinkles" made me look sad automatically, so it was really easy to fake cry & make my friends get worried about me. The teaser was cool. We did two scenes that aren't really my favourites, but people kept telling me that I was seriously funny in them. (Seriously funny? That's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one. Hey, Mike, do you know what that is?) After the teaser was over, we all went & took our make-up off, but the gray hair paint had to stay in until we shampooed it out, so there were a few of us walking around all day looking old. I had at least 80, 000 people tell me that I should consider getting silver highlights permanently, because they looked so cool. Umm...no. It's strange how something like silver hair can give you this total feeling of power. That's probably just me, though. (I'm a freak, I'll admit it.) I just had a really fun day because of it. People that I haven't talked to in years for various reasons found it necessary to tell me that they've always liked my hair & think it's really cute, even without the silver. (Oh, man. Could I be any more stuck on myself?) I'm an attention-loving person. It was good. Well, we had to go back to school at 4 to eat pizza & get our make-up put back on. I can't believe how much I love the people in the play. I was really friends with all of them before it started, but I think so much more of them than I did before. (Even the gay Atheist.) Everything went really smoothly in the first act. Even the most annoying girl in the world didn't screw up her lines. During the intermission, a chick came backstage & told me that Heath wanted to talk to me, so I got up to go out in the hall & talk to him, even though we had strict orders not to talk to any of the audience members. Bethany & all these other people followed me out for some reason. Wait, actually, they all ran ahead of me. I love the fascination people have with my relationship with Heath. Not that I really have a relationship with him. Well, I guess I do. Whatever. So, when we got out there, Heath was with Mike. Heath told me a few days ago that Mike was talking about coming to see it, which totally surprised me since Mike doesn't at all seem like the supportive, play-watching type. I suppose he proved me wrong tonite. Mike was wearing a really great camo jacket that screamed, "WHY THE HECK IS MIKE WEARING ME?!" Mike is totally not a camo person, but he looked surprisingly good in it. Heath was wearing his Heath-jacket. That's all I can say about it. The jacket couldn't be worn by anyone else, I swear. (Notice my complete fascination with clothes? Shallow, shallow, shallow.) I asked Heath if the play was better in the audience than up on stage or something weird like that, but our director came out of the auditorium & half-yelled at me to get away from them & get into the choir room. Mike said something about me not having many lines or something else that was totally unsupportive & completely Mike-like. I love that boy to death, but...dang. So, I left them & went to the choir room for a make-up touch-up. I looked in the mirror & freaked out. I had forgotten that I was wearing really freaky make-up. I laughed at my utter nastiness & put on more extremely disgusting bright pink lipstick that we were made to wear by our make-up committee. Act 2 went well overall, but the strap to my mail bag broke during one of my scenes, so I attempted to fix it while the other people were busy talking about cheese or something. (You know, I don't think there's one line that mentions cheese in the whole play. Come on. Can you really write a good story without cheese? I didn't think so, mates.) The audience took really well to the play. Of course, it helps that half of them were there to see me, & I looked so hot in my cute postman's jacket that it didn't matter what I said. (Yeah, there I go again. I'm really not as self-centered as I seem, friends. Really.) After the play was over, I went to mingle with my adoring fans with my friend Katie. We met Mike & Heath on our way down the hall, but we just kind of smiled or something & walked past. I went to find them a few minutes later, but they were gone. It was probably for the better, though, because I was still wearing my scary stage make-up. Ahh, I'm really tired after writing all of that, so I think I'm going to head to bed now. You know, I just thought of something. I didn't get any flowers tonite. Dang. Maybe my fans aren't as adoring as I thought. Man, I better get some tomorrow night. (That was a hint. In case you didn't catch it, here's another: I like roses. Red is good. Yellow's nice, too. One is fine, but I'll lick your chin twice as long if you get me more. Hint, hint.) OK, bye now. (Headspace...alive and painless, weightless and almost sane. I close my eyes; I become the sky. Headspace...alone and shameless. Can't wait to find the faces I left behind in a troubled time back home.) Wait, I forgot something. I've always had a thing for the band Hole, but I especially love the new stuff since Courtney's a little bit more sane & whatnot. The band was coming to Columbus, but they decided the other day to move their show to a place farther away up north. My radio station, CD 101, got mad & started boycotting Hole. I'm completely addicted to Malibu & Awful (That song rocks!), so I can't deal with not hearing them. Dang. OK, that's all. So pointless. So, so pointless.
Thursday the 15th of April: Wow, I really haven't been keeping up with this. It looks like nothing has happened in my life, but it's really quite the opposite. The dress rehearsal for our play is tonite, & we've been having crazy long practices all week. I don't even know what to write about here. I'm in this complete daze at school all day long. All of the teachers keep offering to talk about my mom with me, but in my mind, I'm completely dealing with her tumor. In my heart, though, I've got some problems, I've realized. She seems totally normal to me. Like right now, she's out in the kitchen doing dishes & washing clothes. It's times like these when I think, "Everything's just like it was. I'm fine." Then, every once in a while, I'll catch a glimpse of the stitches on the side of her head where the doctors did the biopsy, & I start thinking. I shouldn't think. I told Tracey the other day that I have complete apathy toward all of the people I know. I mean, I've always hated the stupid people at my school, but lately it seems like I just can't stand to be around them. It's only certain times, though. I go from not caring about anyone to being totally satisfied with my life. I'm just really confused, in case you can't tell. I don't know where I stand with anyone anymore. I suppose everyone else is the same & I'm just different. Everything around me just keeps getting more & more disgusting, so I keep trying to make myself more & more un-disgusting to make up for it. It's not like I'm in one of those scary teen movies where I'm losing all my friends & feeling like I don't belong. I have all the same friends. No one has suddenly started hating me. I belong as much as anyone can belong at a hick school. In fact, I probably belong more now than when I was doing things to please people. I suppose it's because all of the wannabes wish they could stop doing everything just to make each other happy. Of course, now I get in trouble with Tracey for being too self-centered. I'll be the first to admit that it's all about me. I mean, I've made an entire webpage about myself. If that isn't self-centered, I don't know what is. I really think this is all coming from my complete lack of sleep. I just need to go to bed & dream of Blockbuster men licking cheese off my chin. Yes, that's what I'll do. Hold on. I have play practice. Dang. Oh, before I go, I have a little rant:
Let me tell you right now that I hate Delia's. You know what I'm talking about. That stuid catalog that chicks get in the mail. I used to love it back when I was Always Pleases Everyone Katie. I even have a pair of shoes that I ordered that I still absolutely adore. I just hate the whole idea of the catalog. I just got one in the mail the other day, & it cracked me up (well, I guess it disgusted me, really) that they have this space up in the corner of the cover that says, "FREE super hot cd". I had to know what they considered "hot", so I opened it up. If the first page isn't enough to make you absolutely sick, I don't know what will. There are a bunch of girls wearing tank tops & board shorts with sandals on. I remember when I would have looked at that & asked my mom to order me everything on the page. Board shorts were the epitome of cool in my eyes, but when you see girls like that wearing them, all of your hopes & dreams are shattered. After flipping thru 20 pages of girls in stupid dresses & ugly shirts...wait. That's another thing that bugs me. They sell these clothes with really grossly mismatched colors on them that I make fun of with my little friends, but later on, we'll go to school & someone will be wearing the things we made fun of. Just because it's from Delia's, it's OK to wear? No. If it's ugly, it's ugly. OK, so I got to the CD page & looked to see what was on it. You have the usual stupid stuff like B*Witched, but right in the middle of it are great bands like 3 Colours Red & Dovetail Joint. Ahhh! I can't even begin to deal with that. Why are these people trying to get the so-called trendy chicks to listen to my music? I would rather them listen to their Backstreet Boys & leave the good stuff to me. Ick. If it was up to me, I would make all of my own clothes. I actually do know how to sew, but I would never have time to make my own stuff. I really respect the people who do, though. OK, I'm going to leave this subject before I say something bad about some of my friends so I can tell you that I just got my Ozzfest '98 double CD sets in the mail. I'm listening to the first CD now. I ordered two sets for some reason, so I guess I'll give one away to a friend or something. Oh, I also just found out that I'm on the front page of the paper for being in the play. Yay, I'm happy now. OK, I'm leaving. Whew, what a crappy entry. (No lyrics today, but Limp Bizkit's Counterfeit fits in perfectly here. "Fakin' all the flava", "Artificial minds seekin out the new trends", "I wonder what it's like to be a clone", etc. Yeah, that's exactly how I feel.)
Monday the 12th of April: You know, I was thinking about something really great before I went to bed last night. (No, I'm not talking about you.) I'm on a Never Been Kissed kick, so I was thinking about it, & I remembered something that completely struck me as being the coolest thing ever in the movie. So, Drew is at the Prom with this guy (aptly named Guy) that she absolutely adores. He's really sick-looking in a really hot way, but he's just one of those guys that you have to want. They get elected Prom King & Queen (blah), & they're out on the floor for their little dance together. They're just standing their awkwardly dancing, & he whispers in her ear, "You rock my world." OK, now, that means absolutely nothing to any of you, I'm sure, but Mike got the newest eels CD, Electro-Shock Blues. It's seriously one of the greatest CDs I've heard in a long time, & the last song on it is called P.S. You Rock My World. Mike & I did a whole e-mail thing where we signed that at the end. I just thought it was nice. I know you don't give a flying pancake, but you've read this far, so you're either a) a dork with too much time on your hands, b) named Karsten, or c) completely obsessed with me in every way. (I particularly like the last one, just so you know.)
OK, time for a simple foreign exchange student story. Once again, you won't care about this & you definitely won't find it as funny as I do, but I'm going to tell it anyway just so I can come back here some day when I'm old (not that I'm ever going to get old) & relive these glorious (*cough*) days of my life. My cousin Bethany & I are in the play together. (It's on Friday & Saturday, by the way. I'm not hinting around here, either. If people don't show up, I swear I'll go on a killing rampage. You know I will, too. I'm so like that.) Bethany plays the magistrate in it, so she gets to wear this funky (my Lord, I just said "funky") red & black cape. I was thirsty today halfway thru play practice, so I asked Bethany to take a walk with me to the pop machine. She gladly obliged (since I'm her only friend in the world besides her future husband, Jeremy, & her lover, Janelle, haha), so we began our trek down the hallway. The tennis team had just come back from a game, & as we neared the machine, Renato, the dude from Chile, walked by us on his way to the locker room. I've talked to the boy exactly once, but I'm completely in love with him. (I'm telling you, kids. It's all in the hair. Dang.) He smiled his cute Chilean smile & said "hi". I did my usual country hick "howdy". He walked into the locker room, so I said "Oww, that boy is hhhhhot." Then, I realized what dorks Bethany & I looked like. I mean, I'm positive that Renato has absolutely no idea what "howdy" means in the first place, & there's Bethany in her big cape pretending to have authority over the fictional Russian town of Kulyenchikov. Come on. It's funny. Well, it was when I told it to my sister, at least. Of course, she's as easily amused as I am. Oh, well. I hate you all, anyway. (You want to go out friday, and you want to go forever. You know that it sounds childish that you've dreamt of alligators. You hope that we are with you, and you hope you're recognized. You want to go forever; you see it in my eyes. I'm lost in the confusion, and it doesn't seem to matter. You really can't believe it, and you hope it's getting better.)
Sunday the 11th of April: Let me just say right now that I've had a really great weekend. I had to have play practice without Marcy & Heath there for part of the time, but Mike had called when I got home, so I called him back & told him to come over. We picked up Tracey & went to the wonderful world of Blockbuster. It took us 800 years just to decide on one movie. Tracey wanted me to see The Fly, so we picked that out, but Mike said he hated it, so we looked for something for him. I was randomly pointing to movies & asking Tracey & Mike if they had seen it when, all of the sudden, I remembered a movie called The Peanut Butter Solution from my childhood. I ran over & looked for it in the children's section, & informed Tracey that we were going to watch it. She was fine with that, but Mike called us idiots for wanting to rent movies like that. Then, he got in a kicking fight with me. I'm sure if he reads this he'll be totally freaked out by my next comment & never have a kicking fight with me again, but let me tell you, it was just really...hmm...now I don't even know what I want to say. Maybe I shouldn't say anything. Yes, that's what I'll do. Ahh, I'm so very mysterious...or something like that. (Or something like that. Or is it a knock? We have a knock? Yes, yes, open the knock. That was for you, Bethany.) So, after many kicking fights (that I won, of course...I'm a master kicker, you know), much scouring of the comedy section, & a whole lot of getting made fun of for my taste in movies, we ended up with
Today, Joanie & I did our usual Sunday thing of seeing a movie & visting the music store in the mall. We saw Never Been Kissed. We've been planning to see it from the minute we saw a preview for it at one of our other random movies, so we were a little excited. (Yeah, yeah, we're sad, sad people.) I called Mike to see if there was a chance that he was bored out of his mind, knowing that he would avoid the movie at all costs. He didn't want to come, of course, but it's probably better that he didn't. Man, that was such a chick movie. I mean, being the extreme chick that I am, I loved every minute of it, but I felt kind of sorry for all the guys in the theatre. I'm just going to go ahead & say that it was a great movie. In fact, I adored it. Drew Barrymore looked absolutely sick for the majority of it, but the adorable guy who played her English teacher completely made up for her. I loved the guy so much that it made me want to go out & marry my English teacher. Then, I realized that 1) SATAN is my English teacher 2) SATAN is a woman. (I'm kind of interested in men, in case you haven't noticed.) So, then, I decided to marry my English teacher from last year, but he's gay, so I thought about Mike's English teacher, but I think he's gay, too, so...well, I guess I'm stuck. Anyway, the best part of the movie was the very end. (Yeah, I might ruin a little of it, but you would have figured it out anyway. The ending is so predictable.) Drew's English teacher meets her on a baseball diamond (Yeah, it's weird. Just trust me on this one.) in order to give her her very first real kiss. I was dying, because I swore he was going to give her a forehead kiss. I mean, he was the perfect height for one. His lips were perfectly aligned on her forehead. He had the perfect conditions. All he had to do was lean over & plant one on her, but he went for her lips instead. I mean, I wanted him to really kiss her, but the forehead kiss would have been great. Man, if I wrote movie scripts, everyone would forehead kiss all of the time. So, there's my little plug for the movie. I liked it. You will, too. (Unless you're a completely unromantic guy like Mike.) Ha, I'm such a Mike-basher, aren't I? (You make me come...You make me complete...You make me completely miserable...Why should I care if you're near me? Give up all of my plans, but who needs them when you mean everthing? I love the things that we should fear. I'm not afraid of being here. So much the same. You make me helpless alone.)
Thursday the 8th of April: Uh-oh, it was another rant-worth day for me. It started out fine, except I was running really late. I didn't mind that, so I thought I could handle my crazy, Greek 1st period teacher who tends to say "uh-huh" 400 times in a class period. (Really. Tracey's counted.) At the end of 2nd period, Heath & Marcy got called down to the office. Marcy came in late to 3rd period & SATAN asker her if things were good or bad. Marcy said "bad" under her breath, but SATAN didn't hear her. Later in class, we got into groups to work on stuff, & I asked Marcy if everything was OK. Things obviously weren't, so Marcy explained that she & Heath had just been told that they were ineligible to be in our play. Just last week, our principal told the director that the guy who played our doctor didn't have the grades to be in the play. None of us had any idea that there were even rules about eligibility, but we replaced the doctor & went on with the play. Not having Marcy & Heath is too much, though. They both felt really terrible about us having to replace them with the play going on April 16th & 17th, but there's really nothing else we can do. Dang. As if that wasn't bad enough, the girl they called in to replace Marcy disgusts me. I've hated her for a long time, but I deal with her. It's one thing having to pretend to like her when I see her in the halls, but to be in a play with her? Uggh. I can't even tell you how mad I am. Because of all of the people being replaced, we have to have practice after school tomorrow. Friday is the only weekday we have off, so I was hoping to spend it with someone I love (namely Tracey or Mike...invite me to do something, kids). We only have practice until 4 or 5, but we shouldn't have to have it at all. It's weird that I choose to surround myself with people who are complete slackers. I suppose it's because I'm total opposites of them. Granted, I'm a procrastinator, but at least I turn my work in on time. Yuck, this was the most boring story on the face of the earth. It's no wonder my sister refuses to let me tell her stories. I always beat her with huge sombreros, but she tries her best to fight me. OK, I guess I'm done here. Sorry about the complete lack of interesting content. ("Life's river shall rise," she said. "And only the strong shall survive," she said. "But I'm feeling quite weak," she said. "Will you comfort and forgive me?" she said.)
Wednesday the 7th of April: Mom is home from the hospital now, & her doctors say that her tumor will hopefully be killed off with radiation or shrunk down with chemo, so I don't have to go to the hospital every night to see her anymore. It's a much happier situation for everyone. With my newly-acquired free time, I decided it was time for a good, old-fashioned rant. I love to rant, you see. Here I go:
I found out around the same time that Eve 6 & silverchair were coming to Ohio. My parents told me flat-out that I wasn't going to see silverchair, even though they know they're my favourite band. I dealt with that quite well, I think. I made it quite clear that I would be seeing Eve 6, though. They gave in to my wily charms & told me I could go if I found some responsible people to take me. I asked Mike, knowing that he would say no. He wanted to go, so I was happy. Then, Heath told me that he wanted to come along, too. I was happier. We never got tickets or anything since the concert was so far off, but I just knew that I was going to go no matter what. I asked Dad about getting tickets on Sunday night, & he said I could, even though things were crazy with Mom in the hospital & whatnot. Since I don't have any classes with Mike, I wrote him a little letter asking him if he wanted to go still & gave it to him on Monday when I passed him in the hall. Heath told me on Monday night at play practice that Mike was talking about it, & they both wanted to go still. I told him that I would call Mekka (the club where the concert was going to be) to make sure it was an all-ages show since we're all only 17. I got home & called the club. The woman confirmed that all ages could attend. I did a happy dance & called Mike to see if his parents would let him go. They gave him permission, of course, since they absolutely adore me & one day hope to make me their daughter-in-law (that was absolute sarcasm, friends). I called Heath so he could ask, but he was still at Show Choir practice, so I just sat back & twidled my thumbs (I wish people really did that). A little while later, Mike called back & told me that his dad had changed his mind about letting Mike go. *This is the point in the story where I start screaming obscenities & throwing huge, jutting rocks at my phone.* I didn't know what to say, so I just kind of sat there. I finally asked him why he couldn't go, & Mike said that his dad didn't want him in that area of town. (I would like to take this chance to point out that Mekka is in an upper-middle-class part of town, so I'm sure we would have been fine. I couldn't tell Mike's dad that, though. I dug big holes in his yard with my Blazer about a month ago as you'll recall, & I wasn't about to do anything else to make him hate me. Mike told me that I could still go with Heath, but I didn't know if I knew Heath well enough to do that. I was freaking upset, to say the least. I couldn't decide if I was more mad at Mike's dad for changing his mind or Mike for not trying harder to change his mind back. (I suppose I have to blame it on Mike's dad since he'll never read this, & Mike may.) So, I went to school yesterday morning & found Heath before first period to explain the situation to him. He was still interested in going, even if Mike wasn't able to, so he said he think about it & talk to me later. I had completely lost all hope at that point, but I decided to pretend as if I had some left. I called Heath when I got home from school, but his grandma (who calls him "Keith") or someone said that his mom made him go Prom shopping. It was bad enough to know that Heath is going to Prom (don't get me started on how stupid it is), but I really knew then that I wasn't going to see Eve 6. When Heath got to play practice last night, I told him that it wasn't too late, so he told our director that we were leaving, but we both knew that we weren't really going to go. Maybe we weren't ever really planning on going. Who knows. Today at school, Heath asked me if I ever ended up going to see them. Dang. The nerve. I tell Heath that I blame it all on Mike, but I hate them both. Actually, it would be nice if I could hate them...even for a minute. Why do they have to be so darn cute, my friends? OK, let's get away from this subject.
Today during 3rd period, we got our packet about scheduling classes for next year. I really despise doing that. I always end up taking classes that I really hate or I don't get into the classes that I want (even though there are only about 10 people who go to my school). At least in the past I always take classes with my friends. When we were freshmen, I think Tracey & I had every class together. Last year, I took Honors Biology instead of Spanish II, but Tracey went ahead & took Spanish, so now I'm a year behind her in that. This year, we have different American History classes since she has Spanish III during my History class, but we have everything else together. Next year, I might be taking Physics, but she doesn't want to, & she wants to take Calculus, but I despise math classes. I don't need Calculus or Physics, but I have plans to maybe become a neurosurgeon, so I'm thinking that they're both pretty important to my education. We both want to take Anatomy, Botany, & AP English 12, so hopefully we'll have at least three classes together. Man, I can't even handle thinking about that. Since I've distanced myself from a lot of the people at school for obvious reasons (they're all wannabe idiots, but they're still my friends), I have trouble enjoying classes that Tracey or one of my other non-wannabe friends isn't in. Mike & I scheduled a bunch of classes together last year, but we ended up having absolutely none together. (That's totally his fault, by the way. He dropped Honors English 11, the bum.) Tracey says that she thinks I'm going to give up my Mike-loving for some good, old-fashioned Heath-loving because of the lack of time I spend with Mike. I mean, I talk to Heath for about three hours a day. I talk to Mike for about three minutes. Plus, Heath watches MuchMusic instead of MTV (Have I mentioned how much I love him?), so he likes all of the crazy Canadian bands like Our Lady Peace, I Mother Earth, Matthew Good Band, etc. that I do. (I'm not knocking your music taste, Mike. You like all of the CD 101 bands that Heath has never even heard of. I need that.) I think Mike & I are leaving each other for Heath, though. It's reall sad how we're attracted to the same people. (Well, hopefully Mike isn't attracted to Heath like that, my friends.) Uh-oh, I'm having random thoughts again. I'll just end this here before I start taking about man-on-man action or something. (You know you like it, Marcy.) Bye. (I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice when I'm not around. You're so very special. I wish I was special.)
Saturday the 3rd of April: Well, I've missed quite a few days, haven't I? It's really not my fault, I assure you. There's a terribly long story behind the reason that I haven't written, but since many of you don't know my family, I'll just give you a little summary.
My mom, in case you haven't read closely, is a teacher at my school. She started feeling light-headed on Monday morning, the last day we had to go before Spring Break, so she went down to the nurse's office during her free period. The nurse thought she just had low blood sugar, but Mom felt horrible, so the school called the squad. She was taken to the hospital where some tests were performed on her. I called the hospital about 3 times during Monday morning, & the last time, they informed me that she had been transferred to a larger hospital for some more tests. I was told not to worry about anything at first, but in the afternoon, Joanie & I were called down to the office & sent home. My grandma & aunt met us there & brought us to the hospital. I was the first one allowed back in the ER to see Mom, & I never would have expected what I saw. She had had a 15 minute seizure as soon as she got to the hospital, so she was basically tied to her bed so she couldn't hurt herself while she thrashed around. She had an oxygen mask on, & I thought she was asleep, so I approached her. When I got up close, I realized that her eyes were half-open, but she wasn't seeing me at all. I went into my hysterical crying mode, so my dad came over to talk to me. It turned out that she had a large tumor on the left side of her brain. She eventually started to overcome the effects of the seizure, but she still had no idea who I was after a few days. That completely upset me. I started to realize the toll that not having her completely normal would take on my family. I had horrible thoughts of Mom not being able to continue teaching & us having to take care of her, but her doctors are telling us not to give up hope. She had a biopsy yesterday to help determine what kind of tumor it is, but we don't know anything yet. Other than the hole in the side of her head, she seems almost completely normal. She's still worried about the way her hair looks & the fact that she's not wearing any make-up, so that's a good sign, I suppose. That's all I really have time to say, but I just wanted to kind of make an apology for not writing. Until later.
