The Ana/Mia Advice Page

~*My Daily Log*~

April 11, 2004:I haven't writen for a few days but I was really really bad yesterday and not as bad but still bad today. I might try to fast tomorrow but the guilt I feel only makes my binge which makes me more guilty. I need to get back on track. I am currently flooding my system with water which feels horrible. I deserve it because I was so bad over the past 2 days. I deserve the stomach pains of all this water and I deserve to drown in the water I'm consuming. It should be consuming me. I looked at pictures of fat people to remind me that I don't want to be fat. Sometimes looking at fat people is better inspiration than looking at thin people. My head feels so weird. I feel like I need to sleep but I'm forcing myself awake to keep my metabolism going.
I had a panic attack today. Stupid OCD, I freaked out cuz my room was messy. I think it was triggered by my recent lack of control over my eating. I needed to feel in control of something. I think I will finally be back in control of food again after today. I think I'm back on track. We'll see.

April 8, 2004:I've discovered that the time of day when I am most likely to binge is around 10:00pm. I control it as much as is possible and a binge for me is really a normal meal for a lot of people but for me it's just too much food! I had breakfast/lunch today and felt really horrible after because I hate eating but I thought that eating then would help prevent me from eating later...I was wrong. I ended up eating a single serving can of spaghettios (what I really wanted was pizza but that would have required ordering and waiting and paying and I needed instant gratification), some nut stuff that my mom sent me cuz she thought it was diet food but it's actually probably horrible for you and I think I'm gonna throw it all out because it's gonna make me fat, and I had 2 Flipz (those chocolate covered pretzels that are sooo good...shame on me!!) so the total calorie intake was something like 300 which is, like I said, a normal person's meal but SO much food for me. I am waiting for everyone to fall asleep so I can get rid of it all.
I have resorted to counting the number of times I step into the ladies' room and what I do there...I know it's gross but I want to make sure I am flushing my system adequately. I need to drink more water. I drank about 130oz yesteray which is just over twice the daily recommended amount but I should be drinking three times the daily amount I think, that way my system will be flushed even more. The hunger and the diet pills can make me feel so gross that I don't want to drink so it's hard enough to force myself to do it. I need to be strong. If I could just fast I know things would be better but I don't know. Tomorrow is Good Friday so that would be a good time to start a fast, nobody would notice since they're all doing it too.
I worked out for a little while today. Did 4 miles on the bike but only a mile on the treadmill because I had to go get my mail before the office closed. I will definately be going again tomorrow and try for 5 miles on each. That should be a good improvement. Nobody is on campus right now so I get the whole gym to myself and can watch what I want on the TV and have things just how I want them.
Oh yea, I wanted to put a picture of me on here so people could see what I look like now. I am the girl on the right.

April 7, 2004:I binged last night. Urg! Purged in the middle of the night when nobody was awake to know about it. It's so hard to hide Mia when you share your bathroom with 10 other girls. I have decided to punish myself by not eating today. I have done very well so far. Today I had the most incredible feeling when walking back from class. I felt like my legs were lighter....it was the most amazing sensation. I'm not really sure what about them made them feel lighter but they did. I hate my legs, they are my least favorite part of my body because I find thighs to be absolutely disgusting. But today they felt lighter and that made me so happy. I need to go take two more diet pills....

April 6, 2004:Fell asleep at 3:00am (yay!) and got up early to get registration stuff with friends but they wanted to go to breakfast so they made me go and eat an entire bagel. It actually made me feel sick because I never eat in the morning. Oh well. Probably won't be eating anything else today because that made me feel really disgusting. Took my two pills when I got back and later went and worked out for an hour and burned about 340cal which I'm decently satisfied with. I can't wait for it to warm up a little more so I can start running outside. I know I burn a lot more calories running outdoors than on a tred mill, the fresh air and scenary are so much more inspiring. I took my second 2 pills around 3:30pm and have been drinking water too...not really enough though I don't think. Once I get back from my meeting I will try to drink a lot more to make up for my slacking off earlier today. I need to get that bagel out of my system. Did I mention it had cream cheese on it? That stuff is pure fat! I had cream cheese flavored and actually kind of enjoyed it...I was thinking about how good it would be if I purged it but I know that that isn't practical here at all. I have been much more social than in the past few days, I'm glad to be back on track with ana/mia as well as over my depression and anti-social slump. I guess over all today has been a good day.
I realized last night that my colar bones and hip bones are sticking out a little more than before (I always like to feel them while laying in bed) I love that feeling

April 5, 2004:Didn't fall asleep until 7:00am again and as a result I missed both of my classes. I am blaming this inability to sleep on my ED and I think something needs to change if I want to get any sleep. Tonight I will make a strong effort to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I am so afraid that I am going to fail out of my classes as a result of all of these issues. I was sick the week before last and into last week and now I'm missing classes because I have ED linked depression. I certainly don't think I could explain that one to my teachers. I can't even explain it to my roommate.
Woke up at noon and took 2 pills, almost forgot my birth control but I have a funny feeling the diet pills cancel it out. Oh well.
I've eaten about 200cal so far between Total and whipped cream. I finally finished that can and won't be buying anymore so there won't be the temptation. I took too more pills around 3pm. I don't feel as sick today so that's good.
At dinner I made it look like I was eating (as usual) but only had 5 noodles in tomato sauce and a large diet coke. I make it look like I ate a normal amount of food by only getting about 15 noodles on my plate but I spread them out so that they cover the plate and look like more. The tomato sauce at my school is very watery so I can put a lot on and not have to eat most of it because it doesn't stick to the noodles. I converse a lot at dinner (since I'm so bubbly anyway) which helps people not notice I'm not eating and I always have my fork either on my plate stiring my food or ready with a noodle so that it looks like I'm continually eating. When I don't eat most of my food, people don't really notice because I casually move it to the side of the plate and since there was never much there anyway it looks like I ate a lot. I love that trick.
My RA handed out candy today and I gave mine to my roommate. She can't believe that I would give up candy like that; I think that some of my friends might suspect something's up but luckily they all want to loose weight too so they just assume I'm a good dieter. I took my one-a-day and chromium pills around 7:30. I have felt better today except for the pain in my sides (more the sides of my lower back) and sometimes I can feel my heart beating so hard. I have been in a much better mood today and when I'm in a good mood my behavior is more consistant and more benificial. Yay for me!

April 4, 2004:Today I didn't fall asleep until almost 7:00am because I have been stressing over being ana/mia and had been feeling depressed for no real reason. I managed to get out of the slump and am feeling much better today.
I didn't wake up until 2:30pm which means that I wasn't hungry or tempted to eat at all in the morning. It also means that I missed an opportunity to drink a lot of water and I will have to take my diet pills at closer intervals. I took my first 2 Xenedrine at 3:30pm because I took my birth control at 3:00pm and I am not sure what kind of interactions they may have but I am hoping that by spacing them out a little my birth control will still be effective (I use condoms still, just in case). I have gone to the bathroom only five times since then and it is currently 6 o'clock. I have consumed about 45oz of water and 100calories of Total cereal. I have a lot of homework to do so I have been mostly sedentary. While sitting I try to keep my abdomin contracted because this helps create lean muscle which will make my stomach more flat.
I took my second 2 Xenedrine at 7:00pm and am now only up to about 55oz of water. I think I should at least double that before bed time.
I am a social eater. At 8:20pm I had Domino's Thin Crust (less calories, I saw it on Oprah) cheese pizza. I ate a little less than half of a medium which I think equals 3 pieces but it was cut weird. I feel so guilty about it right now...which is why I took my one-a-day weight smart and my chromium picolinate right away. I need to drink a lot more water too so I can flush it out. I don't have any laxatives here because the community bathroom and my class schedule would make the purge really inconvenient. Why do sacrifice all of my hard work like that?! I am going to have to be so much better tomorrow! I approximate my total calorie intake for today at 900cal, I always over estimate because it causes better results.
My RA made cake and made everybody try it because it was a no egg, no oil recipie. I tried to only take a small piece but she made me take a big one and I know she would have been insulted if I didn't eat it all. It made me want to purge so bad I ran into the bathroom as soon as everyone had gone to bed.

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