How many singles have dated someone for months - even
years - without realising that they have different relationship goals.
One of my clients dated a lovely man for over 6 months only to realise
he was still living in the same house with his 'ex-partner'. “But we
have separate bedrooms!” he said in righteous justification. Another
male client was 'going steady with' a woman who he kept wanting to
propose to, but every time he asked to meet her friends or family or do
something more than say home and have pizza and sex, his date got edgy
and they ended up staying home and having more pizza and sex. Eventually
he realised she enjoyed his company but had no interest in going
further…but had 'forgotten' to mention this to him. And my favourite
example is from couples who decide to move in together and one partner
says, “Let's just see how it goes”, and the other thinks it's a definite
precursor to marriage.
All these examples are people who are not on the same
page, who have not discussed clearly enough 'what they are up to' in the
relationship game.
There are 6 Types of 'lover' relationships
1. Marriage
2. De-facto
3. Let's see how we go (live together, but not
necessarily committed)
4. HugBuddy (non-committed, respectful, sensual,
non-sex partner )
5. BonkBuddy (non-committed, respectful sex partner)
6. One night stand (wow, yes! a one-night stand is a
form of relationship!)
Each type of relationship requires the same amount of
honesty, clarity and respect (yes, even the one-night stand!). So what
type do YOU want…and are you willing to talk clearly and honestly about
that to your first-time date???
KNOW YOURSELF FIRST
Before you go questioning a potential date about the
type of relationship they want, it could be useful to start with some
clarity about yourself?
1. What sort of relationship do you want
2. What sort of relationship are you capable of
having/doing?
It can often be best to start with the second
question - what sort of relationship am I actually capable of?? It's
important to know the difference between wanting something and being
capable of doing it. For example, you may have just come out of a
relationship and know you're not fully emotionally clear of it, but
decide you want some companiable sex with an old lover/friend. You go
ahead and have sex a few times, but then start getting keen on him, and
then jealous and angry when he tells you he is going out with other
women (even tho you previously agreed that either of you could do that).
So even though you thought you wanted a BonkBuddy relationship, you're
not actually capable of having one. (By the way, if you're curious about
the idea of HugBuddies and Bonkbuddies, read 'Succulent Relationships
for Singles” by yours truly)
Or perhaps you want a committed relationship, but you
don't have a job, in fact you haven't had one for over 2 years and
you're deeply in debt, but you'd really like a lovely relationship to
keep you warm at night.
These people want a certain form of a relationship
(i.e. BonkBuddy or Committed) but they are not capable (as yet) of
sustaining that particular form of relating.
Here are some factors that get in the road of being
able to start or sustain a committed relationship.
o Not complete from previous relationships -
emotionally, financially, physically
o Not financially self-sustaining.
o Living with parents - especially if you're over
25ish
o Going thru a big change in life - i.e. solar
return, work change
o Depression or other debilitating mental states
o Poor communication skills
o Poor understanding of what love and relationships
require.
So let's say, none of the above factors apply to
you….you know what you want….and are ready and available for a committed
relationship. You're not desperate, you just prefer some deep relating
in your life. And you've decided that you only want to go out with
people who are on the same page as you. Why? Because life is too short
and beautiful and precious to waste with people who don't want the same
things as you.
You put your profile up on a
dating site (AwareConnections.com
is a great one for people who want to be a bit more conscious in their
relationships.) In the body of your profile, you state clearly that
you're looking for a committed relationship. Sure, you're going to turn
off a few people, but since you're turning off people you don't want,
it's a bit of a plus really.
At some stage early in the proceedings on a first
phone call or first date, it is essential to pop the big question
nonchalantly into the conversation. Just be laid-back and not treat the
whole thing like the Inquisition - men, especially, hate being 'inquisitioned'.
“Tell me about the sort of relationship you are
looking for at the moment?” (Oh mi gawd, how can I ask that… they'll
think I want to get married on the first date!!!)
If they get edgy, just explain, that despite the fact
of their incredible good looks, sexy body, rolex watch and bursting bank
account, you don't want to get married to them yet, you just want to
know if they are into the idea, in general i.e. would they be into a
committed relationship if they met someone with all the boxes ticked?
Then, if they actually say they are keen to have a
committed relationship with the right person, ask …
“WHY would you want committed relationship? What's
the purpose of a committed relationship for you”
As a coach, I'm not often a fan of 'Why….?”
questions, but in this situation it can be really useful for 2 reasons.
Firstly, it can be a great way of deciding if your potential partner is
just saying stuff that sounds good (i.e. lying, so they can get to look
like a nice, decent person who only wants nice, decent committed
relationships when in fact, they just want another date, or get you into
bed)….and secondly, 'why' questions usually get people to go inside and
search deeper to bring out what is important to them. It can be
extremely interesting to find out what they mean by 'commitment' and
whether their meaning jells with your meaning.
By the way, what do YOU mean by “commitment??
Commitment is known as a 'fluff' word….as in, it means many things to
many people. I had a friend who married a guy because he was into
commitment ( and a few other things :) Trouble is, they didn't discuss
to see if they shared the same meanings. She used to come home from work
in the beginning of their life together and find him on the phone with
his back to her, talking animatedly to old girlfriends. Even though he
said he wasn't sleeping with any of them, and she believed him, his
behaviour just didn't feel like 'commitment' to her.
So when your date answers, listen carefully to see
whether your meanings and needs and theirs match up. If they just want
some companionship or sex, it doesn't matter how spunky and wonderful
they are, it would just be a waste of time continuing going out with
them. Beware of the 'they'll change, once they get to know me' story. If
you want a 'deeply intimate, spiritual, tantric' type of commitment, and
she wants a 'nice comfy, lets-not-rock-the boat, you do your thing, I'll
do mine' sort of relationship…it's best to move on while the going's
good.
Look here for more information to propose a girl
