Fantasy Mission Force
Starring: Jimmy Wang Yu
Jackie Chan, Chang Ling, Sun Yueh
and
Brigitte Lin
"Fantasy Mission Force" is not a Jackie Chan film.
I have to say that first of all, because it's a very important point.
Jackie Chan is the first billed on every video copy of "Fantasy Mission
Force," but he's not, repeat, NOT the film's star. In fact, he's only
really
in four scenes, and only the focal point of two. This fact alone is
enough
to piss off Jackie Chan's fan base royally. "How dare they dupe me like
this?"
they're probably thinking. The reason is that it's really more a
vehicle
for the ageing Jimmy Wang Yu (star of the "One-Armed Boxer" and
"One-Armed
Swordsman" films of the late 60's/early 70's), and Jackie turned in an
appearance
mainly because he was under contract. Or something. Never mind,
"Fantasy
Mission Force" has charms other than just Jackie's presence.
First of all, the film is by oddball Taiwanese director Chu Yin Ping.
I know, "Taiwanese" and "oddball" tend to go hand in hand when action
cinema is concerned (Chang Ling's splendid "Wolf Devil Woman" was a
Taiwanese production as well), but Mr. Chu really was way over the top.
I'm convinced he suffered from ADD, for reasons which will soon become
clear. If you're looking for consistency, you're unlikely to find it in
his films, but a Chu Yin Ping
film is definitely a unique experience, one you're not likely
to forget for a long time. "Fantasy Mission Force" is probably his
best-known film, partially because it's his highest-profile film
(Jackie Chan's name attached to the project ensured that it got not
one, but several cheapie video releases), but mainly because it's
completely bonkers even for one of his films.
But the real reason above all others to watch the film is the presence
of the film's real star. I'm not referring to Jimmy Wang Yu
(the top-billed star in the film itself), and I'm definitely not
referring to Jackie (whose name and face are plastered all over the
video box). No, "Fantasy Mission
Force" is not any more a Jimmy Wang Yu film than it is a Jackie Chan
film.
"Fantasy Mission Force" is a Brigitte Lin film.
For those not conversent with Chinese cinema, I feel the need to
explain. Simply put, Brigitte Lin is a Goddess, the Aphrodite of Asian
cinema. More specifically, she's a Taiwanese actress who started her
career in the early/mid 70's as the star of a series of fluffy romantic
comedies. In the 80's, she decided to change her image, and part of
that change came with the association with director Chu Yin Ping. After
a brief but impressive turn as the Countess in Tsui Hark's magnificent
kung-fu fantasy extravaganza "Zu: Warriors from the Magic Mountain,"
Brigitte found a new persona: the tough chick. And she RULED at playing
this character. She just has this piercing, fierce STARE that screams
out, "Don't F$%# with me!" Really, she can steal any scene
she's in without uttering a word.
Knowing this, could there be any question who the real star is? There
certainly is no question in my mind after seeing it. And when
you
get your first glimpse of her in this film, I'm sure you'll agree.
Now, just stick with me, all right? Because what follows may sound like
the fevered ravings of someone suffering from delirium, but it's
actually the plot. In that this film can be said to have a "plot." The
opening credits are shown over a Hogan's Heroes-esque montage
of jeeps zooming by, soldiers moving equipment around, etc. All set to
suitably brassy, militaristic music. Everything's normal, normal,
normal. Then we see the most unlikely set of generals getting blown up.
Another unlikely set of major generals (including a British Major
General who looks even more like Oliver Reed than the guy from Davy
Crockett and the River Pirates, an American Major General named
Abraham Lincoln, and an African Major General who is clearly a Chinese
actor
with some shoe polish smudged on his face) fill us in on what the
hell's
going on. Apparently, it's World War II (I guess?) and the Japanese are
invading the Canadian Arctic. (Don't look at me like that, I'm every
bit
as confused as you are.) The Japanese capture them, and then things get
really confusing.
Cut to a board room where some top brass in ridiculously over-the-top
military garb try to decide who is to lead the assault group on the
Japanese
and free the captured Major Generals. They decide against Agent 007 (a
slide of Roger Moore), "the Bald Detective" (a slide of Chinese actor Karl Maka),
"Snake King" (huh? Looks kinda like Road Warrior), Rocky (yes, a slide
of Sly Stallone is shown, shirtless and in boxing gloves!) and Captain
Black Fox (Brigitte Lin's character from a couple of earlier Chu Yin
Ping films). That leaves one man, and that one man is none other than
Jimmy Wang Yu.
As I've previously stated, Jimmy Wang Yu has seen better days. He looks
kinda puffy and, well, old here. Seriously, the man looks as though
he's
got wads of cotton stuffed in his cheeks. Still, we get a good gander
at
him mowing down the bad guys with his machine-gun mounted on his jeep.
Probably so we don't notice how much flexibility he's lost since his
"One-Armed Boxer" days. He has a confab with two of the generals from
earlier, a comparatively normal-looking guy in a business suit, and
"General Thompson," a bald guy with Dundrearies wearing a monocle and
an insanely garish uniform with glitter-piped epaulettes. They inform
him that the captured generals are being taken "back to Tokyo City for
propaganda," and expect him to form his own commando group to rescue
them.
An awkward edit later, and it's on to a short, badly animated title
sequence. Then off to a bar where a ridiculous and completely
inappropriate, goofy musical number (sung in Chinese, but with an
insidiously, frighteningly, nightmarishly
catchy "Ha ha ha! Lei lei lei!" refrain) takes place in a bar and
grill,
waiters fry steaks and tote beer steins while dancing in imperfect
formation.
It's all helmed by a guy in a tramp outfit, who flings dollar bills
around,
swills beer and shoves his face into a cooked chicken. Incidentally,
the
guy playing him is actor Sun Yueh, though whether he's just lip-syncing
or
is actually responsible for the wacky vocalizing I know not. In any
case, you'll have a hard time believing from his bug-eyed performance
here that this is the same actor who gave a subtle, measured
performance as the older cop in the gritty Chow Yun-Fat vehicle "City
On Fire"* some years later. Something tells me that
he doesn't like to mention his
performance in "Fantasy Mission Force" on his résumé.
The musical number abruptly ends when a black guy wearing a tux and a
red headband points a pistol at Yueh (yes, his performance is that
bad). Yueh waves a couple of fistfuls of fake, blue dollar bills in the
man's face, which seems to placate him, he laughs and says, "You will
not
call me Papa!" Which he then does. Then turns a gun on everyone else
and
says, "This is a stick-up!"
Confused? Me too. Get used to it, it doesn't get any more coherent from
here on in. If anything, it gets even worse.
Cut to a montage of Yueh running from bounty hunters...or something.
He's then captured by Jimmy, who says he's got a job for him. He seems
pleased by Jimmy's appearance, they seem to be old friends. A sudden,
jarring cut brings us to a prison gang sitting down to lunch. Two of
'em start fighting. It's a cool, if inordinately short, fight scene,
involving a pickaxe, a rifle, and a plunge down a cliff! Anyway, one of
the combatants uses the rifle
to shoot off his ankle chain and make his escape, plunging down a second
cliff in the process! Later that night in the forest he finds...an
elegantly set-up banquet table? That's right, and he has no qualms
about helping himself to some food, and trying to steal a jeep. But
look out, Jimmy's right there waiting for him. He calls him "Greased
Lightning," and signs him up (under heavy duress) for his team.
Following yet another awkward cut (I sense a pattern forming) we're off
to a sort of wrestling arena, where some big Japanese lunkhead is
preparing to go up against none other than Jackie Chan. Jackie arrives
at ringside in a flowered sedan chair, and is chatting to his
girlfriend, none other than
Wolf
Devil Woman herself, Chang Ling! Apparently, the match is all
just
a big pretext for Jackie and Ling to steal some suitcases full of
money,
which have been unwisely left wide open and unguarded at ringside.
Jackie
and Lunkhead exchange angry looks as they take turns smoking bigger and
bigger
phallic symbols. Then the match starts, and Jackie proceeds to goofily
kick
butt. And apparently, Lunkhead is a ringer, a friend of Jackie's, as
the
two of them address each other familiarly throughout the match. Which
ends
abruptly when a second large Japanese man stabs Lunkhead to death. He
announces
himself as the Killer from Tokyo.
A brief aside here, who the hell was it dubbing Jackie's voice, anyway?
He sounds like the frickin' Mayor Of Munchkin City!
Jackie panics and tries to leave the ring, but Ling (knowing their plan
is doomed if he does) uses her kung-fu to shove him back in. So we get
a
bunch of scenes with Jackie flailing as the guy clobbers the heck out
of
him. (apart from a jaw-dropping, and inordinately long and
lingering,
bit where Jackie bites the man in the belly!) Jackie finally gets the
upper
hand on the guy by wanging him over the head with a shield several
times,
then drop-kicking him. He finishes him off with an acrobatic leap onto
the
guy's stomach.
Just as Jackie and Ling are all prepared to make their escape, a cadre
of cops, led by a moustachioed man with sideburns and big glasses,
arrests them. They eventually hand over all the money and the cop lets
them go free. Cut to a bar, where a sultry-looking woman is having a
drinking contest with
some guy with an eyepatch in a scene obviously inspired by Karen
Allen's introductory
scene from "Raiders Of The Lost Ark." But that's no ordinary
sultry-looking
woman. It's Brigitte Lin, the absolute Goddess of Chinese cinema. And
it's
no ordinary drinking contest, as clearly someone felt the need to
one-up
"Raiders." So with the completion of each drink, one of the combatants
shoot
(yes, with a gun) an article of clothing off of a woman chained to the
wall
of the bar!
Needless to say, our ultra-cool heroine wins. Some guy accuses her of
cheating, which naturally starts a big old fight. Seeing Brigitte
totally
acrobatically kicking ass in her black leather outfit and red go-go
boots
is a real sight to see. All right, the hatchet-job editing clearly
displays
that it's a stuntwoman and not Brigitte doing all that athletic stuff,
but
it's all in the presentation, if you get my drift.
After Brigitte makes her escape, she gallops off on her trusty horse
back to her house, where she pours herself a brandy and relaxes. Then
she's attacked by a guy hiding behind the curtain. Surprise! It's the
oily cop from earlier, now dressed all in white. He's her
on-again/off-again boyfriend, apparently. He promises he'll never leave
her again. Then there's a wide shot of the homestead as we hear the
sounds of her berating him and smacking him around.
Cut back to the interior. It's the morning, and Oily Cop is getting
dressed and asking for his breakfast. Brigitte is nowhere to be found.
Until, that is, he opens the front door and sees her dangling from the
rafters with a gag in her mouth. A gun goes off, and he examines the
window, discovering that it had been jerry-rigged to go off. As he
follows the wire along, he gets trapped by a snare. Who should be
waiting for him but, you guessed it, Jimmy! O.C. initially refuses his
offer, citing Brigitte as the reason, but he turns around when Jimmy
offers him money. Cut to a close-up of Brigitte looking pissed off. And
if you've ever seen Brigitte looking pissed off, you know that's a damned
scary sight! You'd better say your prayers if you ever chance to get on
this woman's bad side!
So with a swirl of pseudo-Ennio Morricone western-theme music, we go to
a montage of Brigitte getting into her leather fighting gear from
earlier, taking a bazooka from the wall, walking her horse to a safe
distance and blowing the old homestead to Kingdom Come.
If there was any doubt in anyone's mind whom the star of this film really
was, there isn't now!
Cut to some Chinese soldiers in Highland Guard drag. They're playing
bagpipes and drums, and are for some inexplicable reason filmed in
fast-motion. Speeded-up soldiers in kilts and tam-o'shanters march up
and down as an also-kilted General Thompson awkwardly berates them.
Even more inexplicably, the music suddenly changes to banjo music, then
there's an awkward edit (complete with equally awkward, jarring sudden
silence) to an establishing shot of Jimmy leading his new commando unit
towards the encampment.
That night, Brigitte rides up and seemingly without effort invades the
camp. It's here we get our first glimpse of the Gay Comedy Relief, a
flighty, slightly effeminate younger soldier and his bald, moustachioed
"daddy." The
soldiers all surround the tent Brigitte entered and demand that she
come
out at once. She emerges with a gun pointed at O.C.'s throat, saying
that
he's all she came for. She piles a cowering O.C. into a jeep, where our
startled Gay Comedy Relief are waiting. The Flighty Soldier says he
can't
drive, but Daddy Captain advises that he just do as she says. So they
go
flying around the camp in circles, in reverse, in fast-motion. The
whole slapstick episode ends with the jeep crashing and Brigitte pinned
under a
collapsed awning.
Back inside, General Thompson is berating Brigitte. But Jimmy think
she's suffered enough, and decides to let her go free. She refuses to
leave O.C. though. And when O.C. tells her how much money's at stake,
she decides to go along with them. As you'll soon discover, this turns
out to be the best decision anyone made regarding the commando group.
More montages set to goofy music ensue, serving as a transition to the
Fantasy Mission Force encamped somewhere. O.C. tries to serenade
Brigitte by the campfire, but she's too busy cleaning her gun and blows
him off. Cut to our self-loathing Gay Comedy Relief. F.S. (who's in his
underwear) is holding
a bunch of roses and moping. D.C. tries to get him to make his move.
"Pretty
girls always go for the heroes," he tells him. Eventually he gets fed
up
and snatches the roses away from him, but he chickens out as he passes
Brigitte.
F.S. hands her the one rose he had left. Brigitte, seeing that O.C. is
watching, thanks him for the flower and kisses him on the cheek. He
faints. Cut to
a mercifully brief scene of the other guys fantasizing about what
they'll
do with the money when they get it.
Before you know it, Jackie and Ling have invaded the camp. Jackie leaps
on top of D.C. and threatens the others with his gun. Incidentally,
both
Jackie and Ling are now dressed in white T-shirts and overalls, with
Ling
wearing a jaunty cap. I guess they're supposed to remind us of Bonnie
and
Clyde? Anyway, Jackie strides up to Jimmy and demands that he hand over
all
his money. Then they hold up Brigitte, and then O.C. They recognize
him,
so they decide to make him pay for what he did to them. Jimmy uses
their
distraction against them, he shoots the gun from Jackie's hand and they
take
the robbers captive. Confusingly, Jimmy lets them go. (With their
money?)
Cut to the next day where more goofy stuff happens, then while having
lunch, they're ambushed by...Amazons on horseback? Wearing hoods and
masks?
If you say so. They manage to escape in their jeep, but Jimmy is
murdered
in the process. (Apparently. We don't actually see his death on screen,
he's just suddenly not there anymore, and then they're referring to him
being killed. If you say so.) More slapstick silliness ensues, but it's
put to a stop by Brigitte, who seems to be the only one (apart from the
audience) who finds it inappropriate. As a peace offering, D.C. offers
O.C.
a cigar, which predictably turns out to be an exploding cigar. Cue the
Amazons!
That's right, more Amazons leap in and ambush them again, this time on
foot, attacking with those yards of brightly coloured fabric which are
ubiquitous in Chinese films like this. The Amazon leader, and her
very-much-of-its-time feathered hair, is bounced along on her wir...er,
I mean, skips in great leaping bounds across the water to greet the new
visitors. The Amazon village actually looks kind of impressive, built
in a deep canyon with a creek running through the middle. Drums pound
and trumpets blast as some guy in a tuxedo emerges to greet the new
prisoners. What he's doing in the Amazon village is never really
explained, but he seems to have the Amazons doing his bidding, so who
knows what the story is? He has the ripest dialogue of anyone so far.
"You have dirty language," he tells them, "and dirty minds!" Then,
while fondling a white rose, he continues prattling on: "I am an
artist. I worship beauty. I'll destroy everything...that's imperfect in
my eye. Bit by bit, and slowly..."
So Brigitte asks Tuxedo Man, flirtily, if he thinks she's pretty. In
lieu of a verbal response, he grabs a sword and cuts her bonds. She
immediately switches sides, and says that she actually hates the
commandos. "Especially him!" she shouts, indicating O.C. (who, may I
add, still has soot on his face from the exploding cigar!) T.M. hands
her a gun and orders her to shoot O.C., but she turns the gun on T.M.
instead. But the gun's not loaded and she's carted away by the Amazons.
Cue wacky comedy music, as we see our "heroes" with their heads stuck
through circus-funfair boards with pictures of nubile female forms in
black
fetish gear. Just when you thought this film couldn't get any weirder,
eh?
Yueh hobbles down and mutters something unintelligible to one of the
Amazons, and she gives him a black eye for his trouble. Brigitte,
meanwhile, hardly has it any easier, she's locked in a little cage. But
we see a guard drop a set of keys next to her cage. This may have been
intended to be "accidental," but it looks too deliberate. With this
film, it's kind of hard to tell, since so much of the deliberate stuff
looks accidental and vice versa.
Any-hoo, Brigitte escapes, Feathered-Hair Amazon Queen observes her,
and the Amazons on horseback tail her through the...pampas grass?
That's what it looks like, anyway. They fling whips around her and drag
her a bit, then the Queen struts up and gives her a smug, smirky look.
Then she pulls out a knife. Uh-oh, looks like it's curtains for
Brigitte. But what's this? That's right, it's Jackie Chan to the rescue.
I can really see why Jackie Chan fans hate this movie so much. He just
looks so un-heroic in this film. The appalling dubbed voice isn't doing
him
any favours, either. Anyway, he turns up here chasing a chicken! And as
he catches it, only then does he realize that the Amazons spot him. He
takes
the hooded, sword-bearing Amazons on single-handed...literally, as he
carries
the chicken the whole time. This is actually a pretty impressive scene,
though it would have been more so if the "Amazons" weren't clearly very
unconvincing male stunt doubles! Look especially closely at the
very
much un-hooded Amazon Queen. Naturally, he wins. And check out the way
he
dispatches of the Queen. Priceless. He then tries flirting with
Brigitte. She's all nice and stuff, but has to rescue the inept male
commandos and says
goodbye.
Back at the Amazon village, O.C. and Yueh think they can turn the
Amazons around by romancing them. So they start to strip down. Jump cut
to them trapped in wooden pots set over flames.
That'll teach 'em to be sexist twerps!
Then the horsewomen return with Brigitte in bondage (settle down,
straight boys, she's still wearing all her clothes!) to wild cheers
from the other Amazons. Badass movie goddess that she is, Brigitte just
flings off the whips binding her, leaps into the rear of the jeep,
picks up a gun and starts firing. The shots explode into huge fireballs.
Man oh man, why has this woman never been properly canonized?
Among the number of the pannicky Amazons, we see Yueh and O.C. dressed
in Amazon drag.....
Wait just a cotton pickin' second here! How'd they get out of the pots?
Magic? Was there something I missed? Just one of the many, many
continuity errors that...aw hell, I'm not even going to try and
figure it out. My head hurts already.
They make it back to the jeep, and stuff a bunch of dynamite into their
sarongs. When an Amazon with serious Jennifer Beals hair discovers
them,
Yueh grabs her, takes his trusty knife and...SLITS HER THROAT! No, we
don't
actually see the gore, but we do get to see O.C.'s face splattered with
(probably fake) blood. Meanwhile, Brigitte is holding her own against
the Amazons guarding the Gay Comedy Relief, who are snuggling each
other in fear. Brigitte does backflips and wards off the Amazons with
her machine gun as she frees the G.C.R. and hands them extra
weapons.
I don't care if I am gay. I WANT TO MARRY THIS WOMAN!
It all ends with the Amazon compound exploding in a huge fireball as
Brigitte and the G.C.R. (or stuntman simulacra thereof) plunge, in slow
motion, into the river. It's actually a pretty impressive effect, years
before "Die Hard" and the like made the whole
"narrowly-escaping-from-a-fireball" thing a cliché.
Any-hoo, the G.C.R. emerge from the water and meet up with the others.
But where's Brigitte? She's...somewhere else...shooting someone...on
horseback...
I guess that was the Amazon Queen? Or the Tuxedo Guy? I don't
know, it was, like, all dark and stuff.
Moving swiftly on, the film decides, "We've done the wrestling scene,
and the musical number, and the whole Amazon thing. What haven't we
done?
I know, let's throw in a haunted house scene!"
That's right, the film takes a complete left turn, deciding all
of a sudden to turn into a cheap "Encounter Of The Spooky Kind"/"Mr.
Vampire" knockoff as the men pull up to a creepy old mansion. Finding
no ambush waiting for them, they decide to stay for the night. Cheesy
snore-whistle sounds are dubbed in as they sleep. Apparently no one
noticed the BIG COFFIN RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM WHERE THEY'RE
SLEEPING! Before you can say "Sammo Hung," a hopping vampire
leaps from the coffin. Only F.S. is awake to witness it. He shrieks in
terror,
and his head winds up under Daddy's kilt! Of course, no one believes
him,
and D.C. storms out, joining some soldiers (obviously ghosts) playing a
friendly game of mah-jong. Meanwhile, O.C. accidentally busts in on a
pretty
lady (also obviously a ghost) in another room. Then Yueh goes to the
bathroom,
and has an odd experience with a painting on the wall and a bunch of
disembodied
hands. Basically, a whole bunch of weird stuff happens, it would be
impossible
to catalogue every last one of them. This entire episode is at once
goofy
and surreal, like an unlikely, unholy collaboration between Mel Brooks
and
Alejandro Jodorowsky.
They all wind up tied to stakes, ready to be sacrificed, until a dark
figure comes along and blows the evil spirits back to the netherworld
from
whence they came. You guessed it, Brigitte is back. Man, are these guys
pathetic or what? Brigitte's stunning kick-assedness only proves how
ineffectual they really are. I quiver to think what would have happened
had she not come
along. They probably wouldn't have gotten five feet from base camp
before
being mauled to death by a badger or something.
Brigitte leads the charge on the Japanese base. There's big swastikas
all over the place. They come out with guns firing only to
discover.....everyone's already dead! Along come Jackie and Ling again.
Jackie at last looks somewhat respectable in a black fighting gi. Ling
is looking positively resplendent in a Kate Bush "Babooshka"-type
outfit complete with sword, headband and white, knee-high go-go boots.
They decide to team up, and not a moment too soon as soon they're
charged by hordes of marauding Japanese in cheesy superhero uniforms
carrying torches as they ride junky old cars.
That deserves more explanation. As they ride ON TOP OF junky old cars.
With swastikas ineptly painted on the sides. Two important-looking
Japanese military men emerge from one of the old clunkers to make their
demands, they'll
only return the hostages in exchange for the money. All this, of
course,
leads up to a big final showdown. I won't reveal any of the details,
except
to say that there's a surprising plot twist at a very late
point,
and that...how to put this...they didn't really leave themselves open
for
a sequel. Not that that's stopped anyone before. Anyway, this all gives
Jackie
Chan a chance to do what he does best, Chang Ling a chance to indulge
in
her usual elegant swordplay, Brigitte more of a chance to act
incredibly cool
and the G.C.R. one last chance to get in a quick cuddle.
Comments? I'm rather at a loss for words. I suppose that's normal after
viewing a Chu Yin Ping film. Really, all you can say is, "What the HELL
just happened?" Though I'll chalk up a lot of the continuity errors to
hatchet-jobs done on the print by American editors, it's still a
mightily bizarre and
confounding film. As confusing and mind-melting as the whole weird
farrago
was, there is one thought in my mind, one thought that no amount of
confusing
discontinuity could dissuade...
Brigitte Lin KICKS ASS!
Second opinions: Teleport
City, The
Unknown Movies
IMDB ENTRIES: for both Fantasy
Mission Force and the fabulous and wonderful Brigitte Lin.
Buy It off of Amazon.com using the links provided below:
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©2003 by Progbear
*the plot of which Quentin Tarantino shamelessly
ripped off for his "Reservoir Dogs"