Ever have one of those experiences where something from your childhood that made you happy but you forgot about comes suddenly back at you unexpectedly? I had one such experience at the video store very recently. Picking through the video bargain bin, one image on one box stood out, and suddenly I realized, I'd seen and enjoyed this film as a kid.

Of course, that meant I had to buy it.

And what's that saying by, I think, Tom Wolfe: "You can't go home again"? Well, sometimes you can go home again, and enjoy it almost as much as you did when you were a kid. You'll just come back with some scary, adult insights as to why you did enjoy it so much as a kid.

And boy, does this film have that quality in spades.

In the search for "bear icons" in classic cinema, one eventually comes to Baloo The Bear from Disney's "The Jungle Book." I have found at least one more blatant example from the Disney archives that pre-dates "The Jungle Book" by at least a decade. One that lacks the patina of bestial creepiness one feels from sexualizing an anthropomorphic character.

No, it's not the psychotic puppeteer from "Pinnochio."

I'll give you a hint, he was a "co-star" in the movie "Davy Crockett and the River Pirates." He was one of Davy's friends.

No, not Georgie Russel. Yuck! You're not even trying!

No, he has (or had) a ride named after him at Disneyland. His name rhymes with "Bike Pink." Ringing any bells out there?

[sigh!] I guess that means I'll have to explain. But before I do that, a bit of background...



You see, once upon a time, before animation became cheaper and easier to produce, Hollywood churned out live-action films termed "juveniles." These films, usually Westerns, were inevitably aimed at pre-adolescent boys. Now, if you ever were a pre-adolescent boy, of either sexual persuasion, you'll remember that those of the female species were generally considered "icky" at that age. Filmmakers of the time knew this, so such films usually featured largely or entirely male casts. That's right, they seemed to take place in a weird parallel universe where women seemed not to exist.

Nowadays, one can't help but comment on this. But back then, no one even gave such things a second thought. Many, many such films were churned out (because then as now, kids hitting up their parents for money pumped lots of cash into the economy). One big such series was the Disney's "Davy Crockett" series. Premiering as a three-part, full-colour miniseries (unheard of at the time) on prime-time TV, it sparked the "Davy Crockett" craze of the mid-50's. Kids begged their parents for coonskin caps, BB-gun replicas of Davy's rifle and 45 RPM records of the show's theme tune. Despite the fact that the tune was and is guaranteed to grate on the nerves of anyone over the age of eleven, it shot to the top of the charts. The episodes were re-edited as a 90-minute feature film and released to theaters, in part because so few people had colour TV's in the 50's, in greater part because ol' Walt wanted to milk the craze for every penny (this is Walt Disney, after all, that we're talking about).

A bit later, a two-part prequel entitled "Davy Crockett and the River Pirates" was produced. These episodes eventually were also strung together as a theatrical feature, in order to suckle the last drops from the teat of the Crockettmania fad, which petered out soon afterward. But the juveniles lasted a bit longer...

Then came the 60's.

Don't get me wrong, the sexual revolution brought us many good things. I wouldn't be able to live out of the closet without it. But the loss of innocence brought many things to an end. And the greater general consciousness of homosexuality—which as I've already inferred, wasn't even thought of in the 50's—meant changes for kid's entertainment, changes that would make sure (at least, censors hoped) kids grew up to be "normal" heterosexuals.

Thus the Non-Charismatic Female Romantic Interest was born.

Yep, where it used to be just a cowboy and his sidekick riding the range alone and perfectly happy as two men on their own, now inevitably there had to be a female component to "prove" the leading man's heterosexuality. And it wasn't just westerns that changed, its like filtered down even into Saturday Morning cartoons. Just ask Yogi and Boo-Boo. Nothing was ever the same once that evil home-wrecker Cindy Bear [spit!] was introduced.

Therefore, a film like "Davy Crockett and the River Pirates" could never be made today, at least not without a heavy sense of irony. That's a bit of a pity, that this sense of innocence seems lost forever. Thanks to this homosexual panic, gender rôles are thrust on kids more than ever, and they are forced to think of themselves as sexual beings earlier and earlier as boy-girl couplings are encouraged at younger and younger ages. Wonder why kids are experimenting with sex so young these days? Look at how you're parenting, you're probably teaching them to and not even realizing it!

But I digress.....

A bit of a disclaimer here, much along the lines of my review of "The Worm Ouroboros." Basically, my review is very irreverent, so if you can't handle that, GO AWAY! For those who have stayed, well...if you loved the "Beverly Hillbillies" as a kid, or if you hated it, or if you were indifferent to it...basically if you've seen it at all, there are elements of this film (at least my take on it) that you may find...disturbing. You'll never look at Jed Clampett in the same light ever again. Me, I'm still washing the stink out. If you can't handle this, well...maybe you'd better read one of my other reviews instead. For everyone else, I think I've prepared you more than well enough for my review. Off we go.....



After an opening credit sequence of wood-carving prints depicting Davy Crockett's legendary feats of derring-do, all set to the annoying and much-parodied (deservedly so) "Davy Crockett" theme, we fade in on a wide river scenario accompanied by the caption, "The Legendary Ohio - 1810." Not just "The Ohio River," but "The Legendary Ohio." That's very important because...aw, heck...who am I trying to kid! It's not important at all! I was just amused by it, so I felt like pointing it out. Though, in retrospect, it's not nearly so amusing as what's to follow.

After a curious blackout (seriously, it almost looks like an editing error), we fade-in on our titular "hero" and his faithful sidekick, Georgie Russel. Amazingly, though this is a Disney film, both "good guys" are bearded...though since it's a Disney film, both have the bare minimum amount of facial hair possible; somewhere between 5-o'clock shadow and a full beard. It winds up looking more sloppy than anything else...though that's possibly what they were going for. Davy is the King of the Wild Frontier, after all. Davy is played by Fess Parker, who's more bland than you can possibly imagine. He has this open, vacant stare that reminds one uncomfortably of today's vacuous screen stars such as Tom Cruise (though Parker is obviously much taller), and verbally can barely muster above a flat whisper (as opposed to an expressive, demi-psychotic whisper, à la Clint Eastwood or Jack Palance). Gee, I sure hope at least one more interesting character shows up eventually to detract from the "hero's" soul-sucking dullness. (and yes, I am telegraphing. Deliberately so, I might add.)

Georgie, meanwhile, is played by none other than Jed Clampett himself, Buddy Ebsen. As was common for the Western flicks of the day, especially the juveniles, he and Davy share a very "special" relationship, much like Gabby Hayes had with Roy Rogers and Walter Brennan had with...um, practically every Hollywood leading man at the time (see "Northwest Passage" for a startlingly eye-popping example, it ain't called the "Walter Brennan Syndrome" for nothing). Ergo, it's a relationship between a fit, handsome young man and an older, older, incredibly older man (all right, Jed's* not that much older here, but I still can't help but think of him as Grandpa, so...) whose job it is to keep Our Hero for falling for any pretty women. No danger of that happening in this film, as you'll soon see. This relationship may be quite easily interpreted as homosexual, but it's far, far more disturbing than arousing, folks. (q.v.: who's playing this role)

Anyway, Davy and Jed are sitting round the campfire, discussing how much they're gonna get for the furs they plan on trading (take that, PETA!), while Jed complains about ants in his pants (there's a lovely image) and holes in his shoes. They wonder how they're going to get their furs to the trading post, as hiking seems the inordinately long way. As they bed down for the night (under seperate blankets), Jed says the words we've been dreading, "Davy, there's something in bed with me!"

ICK! ICK! ICK! Excuse me, must bathe.

Relax, it's just a skunk. Mercifully, they spare us the sight of Jed bathing in tomato juice (or whatever horrific, unspeakable backwoods cure-all Davy can dream up), and crossfade to the next day instead. They spot a keel-boat on the river as they come to the next town. Shopkeepers are boarding up windows as we see three ladies (the closest view of any of the female species we'll see in this film at all) sneer at Davy and Jed as they pile into a carriage. They wonder what all the commotion could be about. Jeez, think it might have something to do with that boat pulling into the harbour? From the boat comes a burly, smiling, moustachioed man wearing a red-feathered hat. Already the screen has lit up from his presence before he's even spoken a word. And when he does speak, his voice is so full of joy, so full of lust-for-life (not that sort of lust, ya pervs!) that you can't help but like him. Who could this jovial fellow be?

Why, of course...it could only be Mike Fink, King of the River, and the real star of this film.

He offers them passage to Natchez or New Orleans for a fee, but they're cheapskates and won't pay. They take an immediate dislike to him, and decide to book passage on the other boat in the harbour, captained by the oldest man in the world, who busies himself by whittling on a piece of wood. Oldy is scared of "injuns," but says he'll be willing to make the trip if Davy can cobble together a crew for him. The two of them go into town cruising...er, I mean, looking for guys they can con into going with them. Jed immediately spots a big, strapping fellow and comments, "That one looks about the right size. I'll see you back at the landing!" and bolts off after him.

ICK! ICK! ICK! Must bathe again!



Anyway, the big guy Jed's tailing gets his lights knocked out by a smaller guy, who in turn gets punched out by a little redhead. Upon seeing this, Jed raises his eyebrows in a sublimely dodgy manner, and enters the saloon that the little redhead disappeared into. He chats up the little guy and buys him a drink. He's called Jocko, and Jed offers him to be part of their crew. Uh-oh, it seems Jocko's part of Mike Fink's crew. Jed apologizes to Mike, and Mike decides to make nice-nice in turn by ordering a round of "Mike Fink Specials" (the actual ingredients are a mystery, but from the looks of it, they seem to be made up of equal parts whiskey, beer and dry ice). Jed balks at drinking the fog-producing brew, but Mike scoffs and says, "You're gonna be a river man, you gotta learn to drink like one!" With which, Jocko HUGS HIM (don't believe me? Watch it yourself.) as Mike pours the liquid down his throat.

In the meantime, Davy hasn't been idle, as we see him walking round with no less than three men in tow. But Davy's worried about his bitc...er, I mean friend. His new pals tell him not to worry, he can go off and look for Jed while they find the men he so desperately needs. [snicker, snicker] As Davy makes merry on his way, the little guy in the bowler hat utters the jaw-dropping line, "Well, let's get some men!"

I'll admit it, I found this line so amusing, I rewound the tape several times to listen to this guy speak this line, while I was doubled over with laughter. I'm considering making it into a .WAV file for my computer.

Davy enters the bar, only to find Jed spinning from a chandelier and having a grand old time. He also learns that he and Mike made a friendly little wager: a boat race, their furs for Mike's barrels of Monongahela whiskey. Davy, atrocious killjoy that he is, has to throw a wet blanket on the party, and takes Jed outside and dunks his head in the water trough (eww, horses drink out of that!) to sober him up.

The next morning, all the townspeople are gathered by the waterside as the town's pompous windbag of a mayor pretentiously announces the official start of the race. Mike says that if he doesn't win the race, he'll eat his hat, red feather and all. To which, Jed comments, "One of these days, that blowhard's gonna get what's comin' to him!"

Dream on, Jed.

Meanwhile, the real blowhard (the Mayor), officially starts the race. Adult heterosexual men, abandon all hope beyond this point. Those women in the background? They're the last ones we see for the next 40 minutes or so (and then, only one pops up, very fleetingly).

Anyway, on Mike's boat, Jocko strums on...a bandurria?† as Mike leads his lads in a rousing chorus of his theme song, which incidentally is much cooler than Davy's. At the end, the Comically Fat Guy gets to show off his comically deep bass voice (most likely dubbed in by a session vocalist) as Mike kicks him in his comically bulbous buttocks. Back over on the other boat, Jed leads the neophyte rivermen in a chorus of (not again!) Davy's sucky theme song.

All right, time to take stock. Would you rather travel with Mike Fink and his crew of joyous party animals or be stuck on the other boat with Blandy, Oldy and Jed? I know this is sure to be a tough decision for some, but I know which one I'd choose.

As they sing, we get a very dodgy shot of Mike smoking a corncob pipe and steering with his foot, completely spread-eagled with his crotch in full view of the camera! Of all the unbelievable scenes in this film, this shot was the one that nearly made my lower jaw dislocate in utter shock. I mean, hell, this is a Disney film? It almost looks as though he's auditioning for porn...what gives? Anyway, his crew worry that Davy's closing in on them, so Mike drops down a buoy with a "Danger! Use Other Channel" sign in it, knowing full well that the other channel is actually the dangerous one.



Indeed that channel is dangerous, it plunged them smack dab into the middle of a fearsome-looking rear-projection of some rapids! All right, not entirely convincing, but at least we get to see Oldy almost plunge overboard, and the rest of them splashed with buckets water by grips out of camera range. They come out of it okay, though, and naturally, we get a shot of Mike and his crew bugging their eyes in disbelief as Davy pulls ahead.

They rethink their strategy. As El Blando & Co. have pulled ashore for the night, Mike strips down (Yay! Implied nudity in a Disney film! Made for TV no less!), swims over to their boat and loosens up the rudder. Then the next morning, their boat passes by what's apparently an inn built into a riverside cave. But it's not really, it's just a gang of crooks trying to entrap them. Some of them put on shrill "female" voices to further entice them. This is our only hint that Mike Fink and his crew might possibly be (somewhat) heterosexual, but considering they practically plunge off the boat and swim to shore for such obviously unconvincing attempts at "female" voices, it suggests that any "women" they might have consorted with were likely to be, well...not exactly women, if you get my meaning (and I know you do). If you need further proof, remember that their southern terminus is New Orleans, which had a reputation even then.

Any-road, as Davy's boat is fast closing in, Mike decides that the transvestite hookers can wait. It's then that they're beseiged by the crooks in canoes dressed in Indian drag. "Get ready for some fun, boys!" bellows Mike (no, not that sort of fun, ya pervs) as he grasps his gun firmly and starts firing (man, you folks have some filthy, filthy minds!) It looks like Davy and Jed are also card-carrying members of the NRA, as at the immediate sight of long, lustrous black hair, they have their rifles out and firing too.

Moral learnt: if you should come across a group of Native Americans in canoes, shoot first and ask questions later. What a wonderful message for young people.

Needless to say, the "real" bad guys weren't expecting two boats. Woefully outnumbered, they beat a hasty retreat. After they've gone, Oldy leans into the rudder too hard and it breaks off, whenceforth he plunges into the river, sending Mike, his crew and, let's be honest, us into fits of derisive laughter.

As they pull up to the dock at the next town to get a new rudder, Mike comes on to the petite, dapper local barman as only he knows how, by attempting trick shots aimed at a beer stein placed on the poor fellow's head, William Tell-style. Hmmm...if this is his cruising technique, then no wonder his main "experience" consists of transvestite hookers. But the poor little guy won't hold still, so Mike demonstrates how to properly balance with his own glass, and predictably, a gunshot knocks it off his head. Yep, El Blando has arrived, gun in tow.

Another excellent message for the younger viewers: "Reckless indoor gunplay is fun, kids!" And I'll leave it to you to go into the Freudian aspects of this whole scene.



Now covered in whiskey, Mike makes a makeshift towel by ripping out Comically Fat Guy's shirt-tail. Meanwhile, Petite Barman makes his escape out the front door, looking something like a mouse running away from a cat. Mike then demonstrates his trick mirror shot on a glass placed on his own head, then Davy demonstrates a more complex one, ending with him catching the bullet in his teeth. The Freudians have probably wet themselves with sexual delight by now. Jed and Davy decide they haven't delayed Mike & Co. long enough to get their rudder fixed, so they start a fight by cutting C.F.G.'s suspenders causing his trousers to drop (sorry to disappoint the chubby chasers out there, but since this is a Disney film, he's wearing long underwear under his pants) and pouring Jocko's drink on his protruding butt. This starts a big, slapstick, Bud Spencer-style fight with lots of breakaway bottles and chairs. In the meantime, Davy and Jed make their getaway.

I guess if it's OK for Mike to cheat, it's all right for them to cheat too. Nice to know that for all his obnoxious, goody-goody moralizing, even Davy's chivalry has its limits.

The next day, Davy makes the mistake of picking up some stranded old guy and his livestock. As thanks, the rescue-ee tells him of a short-cut through the bayou. This is mainly an excuse to intercut some leftover stock footage from Disney nature films (though not the infamous "lemming scene," unfortunately, for various and sundry obvious reasons). Needless to say, they catch up with Mike again, who again does a classic bug-eyed double-take. With New Orleans now in sight, it's anyone's game (though keep in mind, this is a Disney film). "Push, boys!" shouts Oldy, "Push like you never pushed before!" What is he, an obstetrician?

Deciding they're getting too close, Mike has C.F.G. club one of the guys on the other boat with his barge-pole. Davy decides that two can play at that game, and it quickly turns from a race to a "who-can-get-most-of-the-other-guy's-men-overboard" contest. Naturally, Mike plunges in (accidentally). Those worried that there hasn't been enough dodginess for a while, take heart...there's a lingering shot of Mike's shapely buttocks as he goes over the edge of the boat.

As Mike mopes that he lost, Davy reassures him that he had no intention of making him pay his part of the bet, and just wanted to win so he could save his furs. But showing that he's a man of his word, Mike chows down on his own hat. Though clearly inserted for goofy comic effect, you gotta admire the man. The annoying singers return to sing Davy's horrible theme song one more time, narrating that Mike and Davy were now terrific friends and travelled back north on the river. But just how terrific their frendship became is left to our sick-o imaginations (and if you've read this far, I can assume you do indeed have a sick-o imagination), which begins to run absolutely wild after the eye-popping, too-good-to-be-true farewell scene.

"Hey," shouts Mike after they've de-boated, "you forgot your sack!" (You see! Your filthy minds! Filthy! Filthy!) as he stumbles a bit to pick it up, giving us another full-on shot of his voluptuous rear.

"Oh, that's yours!" says Davy, "Just a little something to remember us by. Open it up."

All right, now I'm beginning to think that Sigmund Freud had a hand in writing the script.....for what should Mike uncover from the burlap but a massive, golden phallic symbol. That's right, Davy gave him a golden (well, probably gold-plated) hand-held cannon. Not just that, but he had it engraved! "To Mike Fink, King of the River, from his admirers," with which, we get a shot of Davy and Jed giving each other a knowing grin! Yikes! And if that's not enough, Davy adds, "There's something else in that sack for you." Of course, it's a new hat, complete with red feather. "Aw, you shouldn't have done it!" says Mike as romantic harp chords play on the soundtrack. (I bet there are some who still don't believe me. Again, I say, watch it for yourself.) As a final farewell, Mike says, with a twinkle in his eye and a lilt in his voice, "If you bushwhackers ever get the hankerin' to be river-men again, look me up!"

This scene was so incredibly, sublimely dodgy, so insanely perverse on so many levels, it almost had me in tears. Well, it would have done if I weren't so dumbstruck by it. It was as though I wrote it! I had to watch it several times just to prove to myself I didn't dream it.

As touching as this scene was, we're slightly over half-way through the film. To those agonizing over the prospect of forty Mike Fink-less minutes, well, I can assure you your fears are unfounded (though I must admit, the best of the film is behind us...and no, that's not a Mike Fink butt joke).



At the beginning of the second episo...er, I mean Part Two, Davy and Jed are travelling through Chickasaw country, hoping to steal...er, I mean barter for some new horses from the friendly natives. As they're tailed by a native hunting party, Jed insists on singing that damned song (you know the one!) one more time. (Jesus H. Christ! Hasn't it been hammered into us enough?) As punishment, they both get trapped in hunting snares and abducted by the hunters. As they ride back to the encampment, we get a tantalizing glimpse of Mike Fink's boat.

They're dumped unceremoniously inside a tent. This, however, is not so interesting as the fact that this tribe seems to be the male, Chickasaw answer to the Amazons, as not one female Indian is seen. You may ponder that at your leisure. The Chief drops in on them and gets them up to speed; they're on the warpath 'cause white men have been killing tribesmen for no good reason...

That could be anyone in this film!

Davy says he'll make good on his promise to try and find the culprits. They decide to catch up with Mike's boat and enlist his aid in taking out the bad guys.

And there was much rejoicing.

Mike's more than willing to clobber some bad guy ass. He doesn't quite know what he's in for. They sight another boat, crewless, and heavily punctured with arrows. Mike recognizes the boat, knew his captain (hmmm...) and comments that he must have put up quite a fight.

As sorrow-filled as all this leaves them, it gives Davy an idea. They re-paint Mike's boat to disguise it, fill the boat full of sacks of "Spanish gold" (really just rocks) and, best of all, dress Mike up in industrialist drag, complete with ill-fitting suit and newly-styled facial hair.‡ He's now "Mr. McGillicuddie, the banker."
Yeah, I can see this going off without a hitch.

Meanwhile Davy masquerades as the boat's captain. I guess that means Jed is the cabin boy...

Ew! Sorry for that imagery, folks! I take full responsobility!

They drop anchor in a port town and step into the local bar. Don't blink or you'll miss the lady woman barmaid of the female gender, the last human of the fairer sex seen in the entire film. Naturally, since she is a woman in this film, she has no lines. What you wished you'd blinked and missed is the horrible (and horribly ugly) banjo-playing singer. Mike remarks, "That banjo player's got real talent!"

Um...Mike? You might want to clean your ears out more than once a year.

Mike gets into a conversation with a gentleman next to him (who looks like a for-real industrialist) about the river pirates. He makes a point of talking so loud that everyone can hear, saying that his crew is travelling the river unarmed. With which, Ugly Banjo Player starts with such force he snaps one of his strings. Obviously, he's in with the pirates. (No, really Mike?) He asks for passage on their boat and they accept, knowing this to be the real fact (well, duh).

Now with bait on the hook, they put out to river again, hoping to catch a fat fish. U.B.P. decides to serenade Mike with his awful, off-key voice. Suddenly, Davy's annoying and ubiquitous theme tune isn't sounding so bad. He sings about something Mike and his crew haven't really got much experience with: women. Actually, the song is some none-too-subtle code for the pirates, as the subject of the tune is a certain lady's hair of "yellow gold."

The two scouts waiting at the riverbank go back to tell their boss of this info. He's in their cave hideout, roasting a whole chicken over an open fire.....

My God, it's Oliver Reed!

All right, not really, but he does bear the slightest passing resemblance to that great British actor, so that's what I'll call him. Again, indulge me.

Meanwhile down in the cargo hold of Mike's boat, U.B.P. busies himself with sabotage. He drills a hole in the side of the boat, which he quickly plugs up, then hangs a string connected to it to the other wall with a hook. As he does this, we get a full-frame view of his bony, misshapen ass.

...All right, I could have done without seeing that!

He then opens the bags of "gold," and is rightfully pissed off when he discovers that they're just ordinary riverbed rocks. Anger turns to fear when he discovers Davy's engraved Valentine's Day gift to Mike. He surfaces again, and tries to sing an even less subtly-coded song signalling his danger, but the "Crockett and Fink" song is much less of a hit then that catchy "Yellow Gold" number, and he's promptly shoved back into the hold. Then Jed and Davy tie him up with some old bandannas.

...And from the looks of it, they've had experience doing this sort of thing...

(Again, sorry for the imagery, folks.)



Davy and Jed tote the cannon back up to the deck. It's just about then that the hook gets caught on C.F.G.'s shirt, yanking the bung out of the hole (ah! There go your filthy minds again!) and flooding the hold, sealing U.B.P.'s doom.

Is it very wrong of me to take great delight in U.B.P.'s imminent death?

Cut to Mike Fink yanking off his dickey. (Oh, grow up!) Let's see, that's two gratuitous Mike Fink shirtless shots and...how many butt shots? I've lost count. Amazingly, there's more yet to come. Here things get a bit chaotic: Oliver Reed stands on top of a cliff and fires a gun, sending the pirates in Indian drag out in their canoes, Mike bellows at his crewmen, bound and gagged U.B.P. moans for help while neck-deep in water. I smell a conflict coming on!

In a fit of rage, Mike kicks C.F.G. in the ass (my, but the anality of this film is astounding), sending him sailing down into the cargo hold. Of course, he plunges headlong into a huge pool of water. Irritatingly, he stops U.B.P. from drowning. Fortunately he does so by hanging him by his shirt from a nail. With that taken care of, Mike sets up the cannon, which is accompanied by the entire screen filled with the Mother Of All Mike Fink Butt Shots.

Good Lord, what was the director thinking?

More stuff happens, Jed fires a gun and shouts "Wa-hoo!" in his shrill Clampett-clan voice, etc. etc. Mike takes the cannon off of its stand and fires it while standing, for seemingly no other reason than to have the recoil send him plunging backwards into the river. Which, of course, sets him up for one final butt-shot as Davy and Jed try to fish him back out again.

Observing the battle from the cliff-top, Oliver Reed is less than pleased with the way things are progressing. He has his two right-hand men drop a barrel of gunpowder into a canoe, then light it and shove it off towards Mike's boat, and wait treading water in the river with evil grins on their faces. Davy foils their plans by shoving it back towards them with the barge-poles, Jed snickering hillbilly-like as they swim for their lives.

Davy and Jed follow them back to their cave/hideout, where Oliver Reed decides they can leave the big, clunky items they stole and just take the money. He opens a drawer, grabs the money and stuffs it into...a purse?

A PURSE!

With the big bucks safely stashed in Le Sportsac™, he then lays traps for the interlopers and he and his men [snicker, snicker] hide, laying in wait for them. Naturally this leads to a big showdown between Davy and Oliver Reed, blah blah blah. I'll keep it brief, as the Mike Fink quotient is painfully low. It's a ludicrous fight: Davy and Jed armed with sticks, Oliver Reed and his men armed with farming implements. Someone of the calibre of, say, Jackie Chan could have made this exciting. As it is, it's more than a bit silly.

I don't think I need to tell you who wins. Hint: the movie's title is not "Oliver Reed and the River Pirates."

Now with the bad guys vanquished, it's time for our hero to say farewell again...to Davy and Jed. He makes a point to remind them he's still King of the River (was there any doubt?), to which Davy responds, "You're better than a king, Mike, you're a true friend. In fact, you're the best fighting man I know."

To which, Jed adds: "After Davy!"

Translation: Back off, bitch! He's my man!

As Mike and his gay (my my, that's a loaded word. Perhaps I should have said "homosexual.") crewmen sail off into the sunset, that irritating male chorus sings one final chorus of Davy's grating theme song as the words "The End" appear on the screen. Thank whatever Gods there be, we don't have to hear it again!

And this is what passed for acceptable children's entertainment circa 1956. Hot man-on-man action with more butt-shots than you can shake a bargepole at. And the lack of the Non-Charismatic Female Romantic Interest was not the only thing opening wide the chasm between this and today's kiddie fare. As examples, I point you directly to the casual gunplay and recreational alcoholism. Certainly not something you'd find in today's kiddie flicks, though the potty humour that's all over today's kid's films was unheard of in those days. So in a way, I guess nature has achieved a sort of balance.

Certainly Mike Fink was being pushed hard as a new "marketable" character here. Sadly, that never seemed to materialize. A pity, as Jeff York obviously has a grand old time playing him. Seriously, York's on-screen charisma here is infectious, to the point that you can't even look at anyone else in camera range when he's on screen. The camera work, of course, adds an extra dimension of homoeroticism that, for some, is going to border on the creepy...what with the loving close-ups, the two gratuitous shirtless scenes, the unbelievable "look at my crotch" scene and, of course, the amazing and varied plethora of butt-shots. One can only ponder what was on the director's/cinematographer's mind, as besides the many gratuitous shots of Mike's muscular backside, there's shots of C.F.G.'s comically fat ass, various and sundry shots of Mike's crewmen from behind and, of course, the totally uncalled-for close-up of the Ugly Banjo Player's ugly rear-end in checked slacks. Seriously, the latter shot notwithstanding, this movie is a butt-freak film-buff's wet dream.

But I'll never forgive this film for forcing me to accept Jed Clampett as a sexual being.

UPDATE: On 23 June 2003, I received the following e-mail from a certain Mike Leone:

Just a note to let you know how much I enjoyed your review of "Mike Fink and the River Pirates." I went and got the film and enjoyed it thoroughly. Your commentary was quite a help in seeing things I might not have noticed.

So I want to repay the favor. I got so interested in the two Davy Crockett episodes on the film that I went and got the complete TV series on DVD. Both of the Mike Fink episodes have additional material that was cut from the film, presumably to make it of a little more manageable length. So there is more Mike Fink on both films.

In "Davy Crockett's Keelboat Race," Mike's first "prank" to slow down Davy and Jed is to shoot at some Indians on the shore. By the time that the Indians are prepared to retaliate, Mike's boat has passed so they end up taking their revenge on Davy and Jed. As Jed correctly observes, "He could have gotten us killed!" Davy says they'll get even. His revenge, rather mild under the circumstances, is to get up in the trees, drop a lasso onto Mike's boat and use the rope to tie the two boats together. (I guess it would have been too much for one TV show for Davy to also strip down to the waist and get in the water.) He does this right when it is getting dark, so Davy's boat gets towed for the night and his men get to sleep all night, as Mike doesn't discover the ruse until morning. There is also a charming but brief scene right after Davy has sent Jed back to the boat to sleep off his drunk. Davy hears a commotion on the next street and goes to see what is going on. Turns
out that his men are trying to force another man to join them. Davy tells them that he doesn't want anybody going against his will. The man, however, is Jed.

In "Davy Crockett and the River Pirates," Davy and Jed don't have quite as easy of a time enlisting Mike to help them as they do in the film version. Seems that one of the Indian tribes didn't get the word that the war had been temporarily called off, and so Davy and Jed see a boat full of Indians headed directly for Mike's boat. Wanting to get out to the boat and help Mike defend it, they knock out a couple of Indian scouts and disguise themselves in their ponchos and I think some Indian make-up too. They then run past the other Indians who are on shore and steal one of their canoes. So the onshore Indians give chase also. So now there are several boats and canoes full of Indians heading straight for Mike's boat, with Davy and Jed in front. Needless to say, Mike doesn't realize that Davy and Jed are out there and--in a scene I suspect you'll love--he takes the gold cannon and starts shooting at the two of them, not heeding their calls nor the attempts of one of his men
on the boat to warn him that he thinks it's our heroes. After it is all straightened out and the Indians are (of course) defeated, Jed is still sulking about Mike shooting at them with the same cannon they gave him. There is also one more brief scene with UPB calling for help down in the hold after he has been hung up on the nail. With all the Indians that our heroes are throwing into the water down there, it's entirely possible that the water could have risen over UPB's nose, although we still don't see his ultimate fate.

There are numerous other small cuts that are restored in the TV version. I'm not really a butt man so I can't comment on whether there are more butt shots in the restored material, since I could have easily not noticed them. Probably the one drawback to seeing the films in this format is that the wonderfully touching scene where Davy and Jed give Mike the cannon and a new hat is at the beginning of the second episode, thus we lose out on all the buildup to that scene and it ends up not being quite as heartwarming.

The DVD set itself is no longer available, but there are 31 used and new copies available from other sellers on amazon, with a new copy for $22.08 being the cheapest. The whole series is immensely enjoyable, and each of the TV shows includes the several-minute previews from the next week's show, as well as introductions from Leonard Maltin to each program, and interviews with Fess Parker and this guy who wrote a book on the Davy Crockett craze, which I barely remember since I came in on the tail end of it. I did have a coonskin cap and one of those jackets with the fringe on it. I can't really hate the song the way you do because it begins with the words "Born on a mountaintop in Tennessee." Since I was also born in Tennessee, even at the age of 4 I felt something of a kinship with ol' Davy.

Anyway, sorry to have gone on for so long. Thanks again for your wonderful review. Had it not been for that, I wouldn't have investigated either the film or the TV shows.

...So there you have it. Better rush out and get it now if you're at all interested in purchasing it. $22 is dirt cheap for a tin-can box-set DVD, if you ask me!

Oh and incidentally, R.I.P., Jed. We hardly knew ye.

Second Opinions: DVD Movie Guide

IMDB Entry for Davy Crockett and the River Pirates.

Buy It from Amazon using the links below:





Click on Mike Fink to return.

©2003 by Progbear







































*And yes, I do intend on referring to him as Jed rather than Georgie throughout the
 rest of this review, so ya better get used to it. Indulge me, all right? BACK







































†An Argentine folk instrument, kinda like a mandolin. It's probably really just a mandolin or a funny-looking guitar. That's definitely a guitar dubbed in on the soundtrack, though. BACK







































‡Where'd he suddenly get those Dundrearies from, anyway? Proof, as if any were needed, that Mike Fink is the true star of the film. Any man who can grow facial hair that fast commands that sort of respect! BACK