The Horror of Sexually Repressed Demons and Witches
Okay, I did not start doing a column in order
for it to turn into a book review site, but I made an exception in this case.
Though, let's be quite fair, what follows is far from the conventional book
review. Anyway, the madness which inspired this column began with my sister,
who wanted to see "Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers" again. Since I enjoyed
the film immensely and, let's face it, have no life, I said, "Sure, I'll
go with you." Anyway, one of the points stuck in my mind at the completion
of the film was, "I wonder how 'The Worm Ouroboros,' one of my favourite fantasy
novels, would translate to film?" My last memories of the book implied that
it was very talky, though there were certainly scenes of great action.
So I re-read the book.
What immediately struck me upon this second reading of E. R. Eddison's
magnum opus was the structure of the book: long passages of dialogue interrupted
by scenes of 1) intense violence 2) intense sex or 3) intense sexual tension.
I'd say that would be pretty cinematic, if they could only find actors
that could wrap their mouths around Eddison's ludicrously overwritten dialogue
(unlikely, in this day and age).
Still, it's unlikely to be brought to the big screen any time soon. For
one thing, one would have to be an egghead to appreciate the overripe dialogue,
and those are in short supply these days, particularly here in the U.S.
To say nothing of the fact that there are elements of the storyline that
are rather...unsavoury. Yes, I could go on about the themes of militarism,
imperialism, class-ism, sexism, even racism present in the narrative, but
that's not what impressed me about it.
It's the repressed but intense, and at times surprisingly blatant, themes
of homoeroticism lurking just under the surface.
Yes, there are scenes in this book that are, as our Antipodean friends
over at Pokémopolis
would put it, sublimely dodgy. And it was these scenes in particular which
inspired my rede here today. (To say nothing of the fact that it inspired
me to use words like "rede.")
Before we begin, I should warn you, that what follows contains intense
spoilers. Or perhaps, for the dense people who don't like to read the introductory
stuff, I should just say SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER!
in bold type. Some people really just don't get it. So, if you intend on
reading the novel one day, you may want to just read a little of what follows,
or just skip it altogether. In any case, I don't wanna hear any whining that
I gave away plot points, as I already warned you here. If you''ve already
read the book, or if you've no intention of ever reading the book, or if
you don't mind knowing what goes on beforehand, or you just don't like reading
books, feel free to continue.
Secondly, for those who have read the book, please note that what follows
is very irreverent. If you have a deep and abiding love for the
book, keep in mind that so do I, but if you expect me to be completely
reverent to the book and its characters, and to hold down Eddison's text
as Scripture, well then, you don't know me very well. If you think you're
going to be offended by what I say about the characters, well then, you
probably will be, and had best just stop reading now. You'll be glad you
did. Moreover, I'll be glad you did, as it'll save me having to delete
your hate-mail.
Do we understand ourselves? Good. Then I may begin...
...
...
...
We'll skip the fakey intro stuff with Lord Lessingham which adds zero
to the storyline and get straight to the meat...which takes place at Galing
Castle in Demonland, Lord Juss' insanely expensively decorated abode (seriously,
no less than two whole pages are used to decscribe the décor), who's
having a big celebration on account of...I'm not certain exactly, it's
all a contrived plot device to introduce us to the Demons. They're basically
horned humans, and despite their inflammatory name, they're our good
guys. Our major players in this Dramatis Personae consist of:
LORD JUSS: A double threat, as he's said to be an effective warrior and
sorcerer (though, disappointingly, we get to see little evidence of the
latter. He's our sensitive type with the big moustache that all the girls
say they like, but wind up with the "bad boy" instead. He loves his brother
to an almost disturbing degree.
GOLDRY BLUSZCO: Lord Juss' brother. A big, burly bear of a man, Eddison's
description of him is so appealing you can kind of understand (if not condone)
Juss' demi-incestuous actions. Too bad he's gone for a huge chunk of the
story.
BRANDOCH DAHA: The Grade-A femme of the demon lords. A direct quote from
the text: "Very tall was that lord, and slender of build, like a girl,"
and also, "His face was beautiful to look upon, and softly coloured like
a girl's face..." Dripping with jewelry and trotted out in the foppiest
fashions, we later find out that he lives with his sister. In spite of all
these clues, it turns out that he gets more women than anyone else in the
book. Proof positive, if any were needed, that it's always the androgynous
girly-men that sets the ladies hearts a-flutter.
SPITFIRE: The youngest, most headstrong and most mealy-mouthed of the
Demon lords. Though he's portrayed as a kind-hearted do-gooder who can do
no wrong, we hate him, for various reasons we'll discover later...but mainly
for one big reason which happens near the end of the book.
There's also some other, minor Demon lords but they don't really figure
into the story (though I am rather fond of Lord Volle, if only because he
sports a striking beard parted in the middle and brushed back up his cheeks).
The action begins when a messenger (whom we later discover is a deformed
dwarf clown) brings a message from King Gorice XI of Witchland, stating that
he is now sovereign king of Demonland and all its dominions. The Demon lords
are mightily pissed, and challenge Gorice to unarmed combat. So, it's off
to the Red Foliot's island where the king of Witchland and Goldry Bluszco
of Demonland wrestle to decide the fate of Demonland...
NAKED!
That's right, not yet thirty pages into the thing, and already the homoeroticism
is flying fast and furious. The Red Foliot (so named for his skin, the
colour of tomato ketchup), the sort of colonial governor of the Foliot
Isles, is to referee the match. I guess now it's as good a time as any
to get to know our villains, the Witches:
KING GORICE XI: He's evil, I tell's ya! EEEEVILLL!!! You know he's EEEEVVILLL
from the git-go, 'cause he's got an Amish-style beard with no moustache.
Creepy! And his manner of dress, as with all EEEVVIILLL villains, is fruitier
than you can imagine. It's also mentioned that he keeps the skulls of all
he beat at wrestling in a room in his palace, just in case you forgot how
EVIL he was. By the way, did I tell you he was EVIL?
CORUND: The only one of the dukes of Witchland with any sort of competence,
he's a big, bald lug with a big blond beard. We like him, he's cool. He's
married to the lady Prezmyra, who doth kick much ass. We'll meet her later.
He also has a clutch of sons from a previous wife.
CORINIUS: A blond pretty-boy, and an EVIL one who likes drinking and
doing un-gentlemanly things with ladies. He's basically a twit, and intensely
jealous of anyone prettier than he (e.g.: Brandoch Daha, whom he HATES,
HATES, HATES!)
CORSUS: The oldest of the dukes of Witchland. He's a drunken, totally
incompetent idiot. His wife, the lady Zenambria, is the sort of wilting lily
who practices fainting so she'll know how to react like a proper lady when
receiving horrible news (i.e.: we hate her), and his daughter Sriva is,
well, a complete slut. We'll meet them later as well.
LORD GRO: Ah, what can I say about the much-maligned, patriarchally-bearded
Lord Gro? Branded a traitor and cruelly exiled from his native Goblinland,
he fled to Witchland, where King Gorice took him into his breast (More
on the King taking Gro to his breast later). From the description given
him in the story, he sounds like a cross between Rasputin's cuter, less
confident little brother and Scott Thompson's Buddy Cole character from
"The Kids In The Hall." That is, he's another Grade-A Femme, complete with
gaudy, jewel-encrusted finery and exotic perfumes in his beard. The poor
guy, he only wants people to like him, and nearly everyone treats him like
crap. Ergo: we love him.
Anyway, we're here on the island preparing for the big fight. Lord Gro
is fretting about bad omens, and tells the King not to fight. The King
stupidly doesn't listen to him, almost putting his head onto the chopping
block right there. On from there to our re-enactment of Oliver Reed and
Alan Bates' famous scene from Ken Russell's "Women In Love," only this time
with a bunch of men watching. Oh, baby! The King, because he is EEVIIIILLLLL
(!) tries to cheat, which pisses Goldry off to no end. In the very next fall,
in fact, he heaves the king over his head and tosses him down hard. The
King cracks his skull on the hard ground and dies instantly. What a different
movie "Women In Love" would have been had Alan Bates done that to Oliver
Reed. But I digress.....
After the slaughter, there's a big celebration the Red Foliot's palace.
All the Witches are pissed off at Lord Gro, blaming him for the defeat of
their king (Hello! He was the one who was against him fighting!).
To try to get back in their good graces, he gets the Red Foliot to sign a
piece of paper saying that the Foliot Isles will side with Witchland against
any armed conflicts with Demonland. There's an uneasy peace as they go back
to Witchland with their tails tucked between their legs.
Back at Carcë (the King's castle), Lord Gro is summoned by King
Gorice XII, the latest reincarnation of King Gorice, to join him in his
iron tower...
All right, big phallic symbol? Check. It's only gonna get more blatant
from here on in.
The Iron Tower was what King Gorice VI used for conjuring. As prognostications
revealed that Gorice XII would be well versed in sorcery, he has asked
Gro here to aid him, as Gorice VI did so unaided and was destroyed for
his folly. Lord Gro is really the only one bright enough to be of any use
(save perhaps Prezmyra, but she's a woman! Do you think he'd suggest asking
her in such a book? Written in 1922?). Anyway, Gro says that he's glad
that the king summoned him as he thought he was in his bad book. And how
does the king answer him?
...He HUGS AND KISSES HIM!
And immediately following this, he utters the jaw-dropping line, "Art
thou not a very jewel of wisdom and discretion. Let me embrace thee and love
thee forever."
Hmmm...looks like sorcery wasn't the only thing Gorice XII was fated
to be good at. Anyway, with the foreplay out of the way, the King proceeds
to show all of the sick-o fetishes he's into to see if Lord Gro can handle
them without freaking out. He does pretty well with the giant toads, handles
the many-armed wight manfully, but pukes upon the sight of the four-legged
rooster monster. In spite of his inability to keep his dinner down when faced
with the sight of mutant poultry, the king thinks that he's suitable, and
so proceeds with his [snicker, snicker] ritual. This is the sending that
will bring doom upon the hated Demons (unfortunately, not the one we were
hoping). This turns out to be a sort of invisible, giant bird. The King
conks out before he can finish the ritual so Lord Gro, like a good bottom,
finishes it for him, then conks out as well.
The two of them come to in the afternoon and smoke cigarettes, asking
"Was it good for thee?" All right, slight exaggeration there. That
night, Gro sits at the King's right hand at dinner, "since manfully he hath
served me." [snicker, snicker!] He then adds, "Whoso among you shall so serve
me and so water the growth of this Witchland as hath Gro in this night gone
by, unto him I will do like honour." Hmmm...
The next morning, King Gaslark (yes, that's really his name!) of Goblinland
comes across the Demons' ship. It's dishevelled and barely in one piece.
When King Gaslark [snicker, snicker] asks Lord Juss what happened, he bursts
into tears (!) and tells of the giant, invisible bird tearing his great
ship to shreds and carrying his brother off to who knows where. Juss falls
into a deep, dark, brooding depression. And how does Lord Spitfire console
him? By mocking his tears and calling his manhood into question. Juss responds
by shoving Spitfire overboard where he dies of hypothermia. And there was
much rejoicing...
Sadly, he didn't really do that. I just wish he did. Instead, he takes
this verbal abuse with surprising (and uncalled for) good grace, and formulates
a plan for a raid on Carcë. They rock-paper-scissors to see who has
to sail back to Demonland to guard it while they're gone. It turns out to
be Lord Spitfire, much to his chagrin (and our delight, as it means we don't
have to read about him for several more chapters).
The raid does not go as planned. Juss and Brandoch Daha are captured
and hung up on display, bound and gagged, in the old banqueting hall.
Ah, King Gorice, where would we be without your sado-masochistic antics?
Meanwhile, in the fabulous new banqueting hall, the King holds a celebratory
dinner with Prince La Fireez, an envoy of Pixyland who, in a "Rope"-like
twist, hasn't been informed of the two prisoners in the very next room. The
Prince (and the Pixylanders in general, for that matter) is playing nice-nice
with the Demons, and is encouraging King Gorice to do likewise. Fat chance.
Incidentally, it's here that we meet the lady Prezmyra, who is not only
Corund's wife but also the Prince's sister.
Ah, Lady Prezmyra. How I love thee. There aren't many female characters
in this book, but the few that do appear are absolute Goddesses. That's with
a capital "G," mind you. Tawny-haired and gorgeous Prezmyra is Witchland's
voice of reason, but since that's in short supply (with Corsus and Corinius
complete idiots and the King himself, well, insane), hardly anyone ever
listens to her. Being a woman in a sexist society doesn't help. She doesn't
let it get her down, she's never afraid to speak her mind, and always knows
what she wants. Right on, sister! She's also best friends with Lord Gro,
which shows she's a good judge of character.
Any-hoo, the dinner is progressing well with Prezmyra and Lord Gro discussing
philosophy. It quickly starts taking a nasty turn when the bitchfests start,
what with the King playing his Harold Pinter-esque mind-games with the
Prince and Corinius adding tipsy potshots of his own (the red-haired, teenaged
La Fireez, you see, is full of enough youthful beauty for a roomful of androgynous
animé heroes, so Corinius' jealous streak is surging good and heavy).
Prezmyra tries to defuse the tension by suggesting a game involving torturing
a poor frog and spider. This works for a bit, until the strong drink starts
overtaking the men. The ladies repair to their respective bedchambers as
their husbands/fathers drink and drink.
Tempers flare when Corinius, his tongue loosened by too much alcohol,
lets the cat out of the bag. The King continues to deny it, but the Prince
eventually sees the truth with his own two eyes. In a fit of rage, he concusses
the King with a wine goblet, then all hell breaks loose. Unfortunately, since
Corsus and Corinius are too drunk, and prissy little Gro is totally useless
in a battle situation, it falls upon teetotalling Corund to face the Pixies
[snicker, snicker] alone, and he's woefully outnumbered. The Prince frees
the Demon lords and exits the castle in anger. Prezmyra, who was woken by
the clamour, meets her brother outside the castle, and recommends he flee
with all due speed, as one of her stepsons has been called to raise a force
against the Pixylanders. Juss swears to Prezmyra that he'll protect her
brother and Pixyland from any Witchy retribution, and off they go into the
night.
Back at Galing, Juss has a prophetic dream telling him he must search
for his dear, dear brother on the peak of Koshtra Belorn, a hyper-Himalayan
mountaintop in distant Impland. Thus he plans an expedition to Impland,
flanked by Brandoch Daha (yay!) and Spitfire (boo! hiss!), as the minor
Demon lords (who are obviously not so important as they tend to have silly
names like Zigg and Vizz) guard the coastline and their homes. On the way
to Impland, the three Demon lords stop off at Brandoch Daha's castle Krothering,
where we get an all-too-fleeting glimpse of his wonderful, raven-haired sister
Mevrian. Like Prezmyra, she is a true gem, but she doesn't really come into
her own until later on in the book. They read a book, Lord Gro's personal
account of a journey to Impland, so they know what horrors await them. Apart
from the usual perils of mountain climbing, it seems the cliffs of Koshtra
Pivarcha and Koshtra Belorn are also inhabited by manticores (Remember Tarkus?
I can't help but wonder if mechanical armadillos and Rhymphoranchi with
jet engines also inhabit the area...but I digress). It's all in a day's
work for Lord Juss...
Anyway, the Lords of Demonland arrive at Impland (which is pretty obviously
a Third World nation, Eddison was not particularly subtle on that point...or
on any point in the book for that matter), only to discover three warriors
trapped in a sort of Möbius strip, each chasing the other but never
encountering them. Juss tries to break the horrible spell, only to discover
someone else has beaten him to it, by killing one of them. Yes, it's Corund,
sent by King Gorice to hinder the Demons' progress. The news was brought
to them by one Mivarsh Faz, apparently native royalty, but...how can I describe
the Demons' (to say nothing of Eddison's) attitude toward him? Patronizing?
That's putting it mildly. At best, he's portrayed as a sort of "noble savage,"
at worst, he's a blithering idiot, more child than man. You can't help but
feel sorry for the poor guy. Mivarsh continues to tag along for the duration
of the Demons' mountain expedition, and if you know your foreshadowing,
I think you can see where this is headed.
On their journey deeper into Impland, they come across a castle inhabited
by a strange and beautiful lady living alone. Brandoch Daha and Spitfire
play rock-paper-scissors to see who gets to romance the nice lady (Juss
is too busy fantasizing about his hot, burly brother). Ol' B.D. wins, of
course, and proceeds to bed the woman. But such things are never without
a catch, and she lays a sort of curse on him: his worst enemy will take
over Krothering castle and bring it to ruin, someone else will save the
day, and he'll be denied revenge. I can think of nastier curses, but then,
he winds up mightily disturbed...even more so when he learns he spent not
one night at the castle, but five.
From there, Our Heroes' progress is impeded by Corund and his army. This
is truly one of the sickest portions of the story. Lord Gro suggests that
Corund, rather than attacking the Demons directly, make a bargain with
them to lure them out into the open, then attack. So he takes a cadre of
armed men, including an Imp royal loyal to him. He tries to talk the Demons
down. Nothing. So then he does the most unpleasant thing he can think of...
He grabs the Imp prince by the neck and RIPS HIS HEAD OFF!
WITH HIS BARE HANDS!
After reading this for the second time, I decided there was but one man
who could conceivably direct the movie version...and that man is Peter Jackson.
I mean, any man who directed both the "Lord of the Rings" films and
"Dead Alive" was tailor made for something like this.
Any-road, the Demons, amazingly, remain unimpressed by this act of hideous
gory violence. But Corund's still pissed, so he has his army attack their
fortress. Nothing. He comes back the next day and tries bargaining with
them again. Nothing. And again. Something this time, and mightily unpleasant
'tis, too. In a twist right out of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," the
Demons (and I apologize for the profanity, but it's called for) dump buckets
of sh!t on him.
Needless to say, Corund is not pleased. He takes out all his anger on
Lord Gro, who's feeling a bit under the weather. This leads to a tearful
speech by Gro, where he hands Corund a sword, offering it with the point
facing himself. After a pause to let his temper cool, Corund hands the sword
back, and allows the ailing Gro to sleep on his cot, while he beds down on
the cold, cold ground.
Something tells me Gro wouldn't have tried to play on the sympathy of,
say, Corsus in a similar manner.
Anyway, Spitfire holds off the Witches so that Juss and Brandoch Daha
can escape and ascend Koshtra Pivarcha (Again, the readers are gladdened
by the prospect of great stretches of Spitfire-free text). Mivarsh continues
hanging around like a lost puppy, despite the fact that the Demons say
that he doesn't have to make the perilous ascent along with them (I guess
the little guy can't take a hint, and the Demon lords are to polite to just
say "Bugger off!"). Several chapters of detailed progress of their mountain
ascent follow (Rock climbing, Joel. Rock climbing), interrupted only by
a nasty run-in with a manticore, during which Brandoch Daha was almost killed.
Or, to paraphrase Bob Newhart, "He was killed, but not quite." They finally
get to the top of Koshtra Belorn where they find...a cave.
A looooooong cave...
Freudian enough for ya?
At the end of the cave is a gorgeous sunlit glade, the abode of Queen
Sophonisba, Fosterling of the Gods. Her people were tyrranized by Gorice
III, so she was offered to the Gods as a sort of, I guess, sacrifice. She's
been here ever since, never aging, subsisting on a diet of ambrosia and nectar,
and over the years has acquired demi-goddess-like powers. She'll help Juss
find his brother in exchange for him helping lift the curse that trapped her
these many years. She says that when she's free, she'll visit him and his
other lords in Demonland (We know whatcha want, honey, and you're barkin'
up the wrong tree, sister). While staying in the Queen's abode, Juss has
another prophetic dream, this time apparently a wet one, where he sees his
brother bound up and caged at the top of a nearby mountain peak. But the
Queen warns him, you can't just walk up the mountain, as it's horribly, terribly
cursed. But if he were to ride a hippogriff (e.g.: Pegasus) to the mountain
top, he'd arrive in relative safety. But hippogriffs are tops on the Demonland
Endangered List. Lucky for Juss, Sophonisba just happens to have a hippogriff's
egg. Just lie down and sleep next to the enchanted lake clutching the egg,
concentrating on your heart's desire, and the hippogriff will take you there,
tout de suite.
Predictably, Mivarsh is there to make a colossal cock-up of the thing.
You see, stupid, backward Mivarsh saw some crocodiles in the lake, and
flew into a panic. A fortune-teller woman told him that he'd meet his death
at the jaws of a crocodile, and ever since then, he just wanted out of
there. So he waits until Juss is asleep, having another wet dream about
Goldry, and he wriggles the egg free of his grasp. When it hatches, he can't
hold onto the beast, and plunges down into the lake where he's promptly
eaten by a crocodile. Sigh. With that, the most embarrassing, shameful part
of the novel is, mercifully, over.
Oh, sure, Juss and Brandoch Daha mutter some nonsense about Mivarsh being
brave and whatnot. Cut the crap! You two hated his guts since the first
second you laid eyes on the little twerp! (I don't even want to know what
Spitfire called him behind his back!) Admit it, if someone doesn't have
the word "Lord" or "King" or "Prince" before their name, you consider them
dirt beneath your boots! So don't give me all this "brave" and "noble" B.S.!
I don't believe it for a second!
Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. Now back to the story...
Needless to say, Juss is disappointed that the revival of the incestuous
relationship with his brother has to be further delayed, but thanks to
the Queen, it doesn't have to be permanently (or even indefinitely) so.
You see, she discovers that a second hippogriff's egg has been found...at
the bottom of a lake back in Demonland. Convenient and inconvenient
at the same time!
Meanwhile back in Jolly Olde Witchlande, Prezmyra has just been crowned
Queen of Impland due to her husband's successes in battle there. She's discussing
the matter with her girlfriend, Lord Gro. "Crowns are cheap trash today,"
she says, "whenas the King, with twenty Kings to be his lackeys, raiseth
up now his lackeys to be kings of the earth..."
Did I mention I love her?
She's cranky because the King invaded her native Pixyland, and now loathes
the Demons with a passion because Juss didn't make good on his promise
to her. Sorry, honey, but he's busy having wet dreams about his brother
in Impland. Any-hoo, she wants revenge on them. They know Demonland is the
King's next target, so Gro suggests that she meet up with the king first
thing in the morning to suggest Corund be transferred from Impland to lead
the charge on the Demons. Prezmyra praises Gro for his counsel, and decides
to follow his advice. But little does she know there's someone eavesdropping
in the bushes...
Yep, it's that skinny little tramp Sriva, who's just been married off
to Lord Laxus, recently crowned King of Pixyland. She runs off to tell her
daddy about what she heard...but not before making out with a tipsy Corinius
and arranging a rendezvous for later that night.
When Corsus learns of the news, he suggests that Sriva disguise herself
and beat Prezmyra at her own game, seeking audience with the king tonight.
"A daughter is worth ten sons!" he crows as he sends her off. In the meantime,
the King has been penning a wordy letter (believe me, no one's at a loss
for words in this book) naming Corsus as the troop leader for invading and
defiling Demonland. Sriva doesn't know this, so when she arrives at the
King's quarters clad in a hood and mask (à la "Scream"? I guess his
kinky proclivities are common knowledge round Carcë), she goes into
her spiel. The King, needless to say a master of intimidation, demands to
know who sent her, and reminds her of his great sorcerous powers just to
scare her all the more. She reveals her identity, upon which he makes her
squirm for a bit longer. Realizing it's been, oh, minutes since the last
time he played head games with someone, he feigns anger until the poor little
tramp is bordering on tears. Only then does he show her the letter he just
finished writing. But he doesn't let her go just yet, the hot-bloodedly
bisexual king decides he'll have her for the night. Naturally, she offers
zero resistance.
Say it with me: what...a...slut!
And there sits Corinius all alone in his room, stood up yet again. At
least some good came out of this.
The next morning, Prezmyra isn't too pleased to discover that the King
doesn't intend to send her husband in to the Demonland expedition, but
then, her standards are too high for her to prostitute herself to get her
way. Good for her, I say. All the lords and ladies of Witchland set out that
afternoon for a hunt. Prezmyra expresses her disappointment to her girlfriend
Lord Gro, and he consoles her. Meanwhile, Sriva snubs Corinius when he demands
to know her whereabouts when she stood him up last night. In an attempt to
make her jealous, he trots forward to get all flirty with Prezmyra, but is
met with the strongest acid her tongue can provide. Go Prezmyra!
Prezmyra's prized falcons are winning the day at the hunt. Again, go
Prezmyra! Then the king brings forth his eagle to drive forth a great boar
that's been pestering the local peasant farmers. While the King gets the
boar, the eagle attacks one of his prized hounds, picking out its eye in
a fury of gore and foreshadowing. Now angry beyond reason, he smacks the
eagle with the side of his spear and it flies off, never to be seen or heard
from again. Temper, temper...
On the ride back to the castle, Gro tries to get the king to reconsider
his position regarding sending Corsus rather than Corund to lead the charge
against the Demons. The King, though, doesn't like to be second-guessed.
Just to irritate him, he makes him Corsus' secretary. Also accompanying Corsus
are Laxus and the not-yet-mentioned Gallandus. "Not-yet-mentioned"? He might
as well have the word "doomed" stamped on his forehead.
On their Demonlandish journey, they manage to overtake Owlswyck Castle,
Spitfire's abode, but sadly don't finish the job and Spitfire escapes with
his life. Gallandus tries to be the voice of reason, but "reason" is exactly
what Corsus will not listen to. He brands Gallandus a traitor, at which point
I hope Gallandus was busy making out his will. He waits till Gallandus is
sleeping then stabs him to death, smearing the blood all over his bare chest
and runs out into the courtyard of Owlswyck screaming in exultation. Thanks
to the aid of Laxus, Gro makes his way back to Carcë to tell the King
the horrible news. Not once does he say anything to the effect of, "Nyah
nyah! I told you so! I told you so!" though he sure has the right to. None
of this really matters so much as the fact that Gro is relating the whole
sordid tale in the KING'S PRIVATE BATH!
.....and the King is NAKED! NUDE! THE WHOLE TIME!
I mean, Jesus H. Christ on a bike, what are we to make of this? I can
draw only one conclusion. I know many of you who bothered to read this far
have been dreading hearing me come out and say this point-blank, but I think
it needs to be said:
Lord Gro is gay, and he's the King's bitch.
It was at this point I wanted to scream at the King, "Quit beating around
the bush already! Grab him by the beard, yank him into the bathtub with
you and have your way with him! I know this was written by a pent-up Victorian
guy and all, but good God! Get your rocks off, dammit! You know you want
to!"
I think what I'm saying is that if the characters in this book did what
they really wanted to do, a lot of this strife could have been avoided.
Anyway, the King sends Corinius (with Gro in tow) to help mend some of
the damage done by Corsus, crowning him King of Demonland to motivate him.
Meanwhile, Lord Volle tries to keep Spitfire in his sick-bed, as he's too
ill to fight, yet too stupid not to.
I say, screw that and let the idiot self-destruct. Trust me, we'd all
be a lot better off.
Corinius is having a grande olde tyme lording it up at Owlswyck, when
he discovers a portrait of the Lady Mevrian, ol' B.D.'s sister. He thinks
she's a real bodacious babe, and decides a trip to Krothering is in order.
So he marshals his forces together, and just to annoy him, sends Lord Gro
in to give her the ultimatum: surrender to Corinius or have him take Krothering
by force.
Big mistake, Cor. But then, we knew he wasn't the brightest fellow before
this, didn't we?
Our raven-haired Mevrian is the Athena to Prezmyra's Aphrodite. Gorgeous,
yet a bit of a tomboy. She doesn't see why it should be only men who have
all the fun. Is it any wonder I love her so? Mevrian recognizes him upon
sight. She was a little girl when last they met in Goblinland, where he
sat her upon his knee and read books to her. She also remembers his faghag
friend Prezmyra, the two of them were playmates as little girls (Hmmmm...).
Anyway, Lord Gro, being a proper self-loathing homosexual, is smitten by
Mevrian, not ever having met such a butch woman before. He decides he can't
yield her to a confidently heterosexual man, especially one such as Corinius,
who'll surely treat her like sh!t. He suggests that she at least talk to
Corinius in the hopes of some kind of escape later. She, being a strong-willed
woman, as good as tells him to piss off, and that if a battle comes her
way, so be it.
Naturally, since Corinius is a guy who won't take no for an answer, a
battle does come her way, and her forces are unable to stop the Witches.
Thanks to Creepy Ghost Lady, the curse laid on Brandoch Daha is beginning
to come true. Before you know it, Corinius is drunkenly lording it up again,
this time using Krothering as his home base. In case you couldn't tell from
previous behaviour, he's basically an obnoxious frat-boy. Gro feels pangs
of guilt about this turn of events, so with the aid of two of Corund's sons
(Heming and the wonderfully-named Cargo) formulates a plan that will allow
Mevrian to escape. Basically, the plan is to let Corinius think that Mevrian
will be waiting for him in his bedchamber, but actually she'll be dressed
in Cargo's armour while wispy, teenaged Cargo will be dressed in her nightie...
Let's see...Homoeroticism? Check. Implied incestuous lust? Check. Freudian
sexual symbolism? Check. Sado-masochism? Check. Gory violence? Check. Indiscriminate
sex? Check. Cross-dressing? Check! Man, this book has it all!
The plan goes off without a hitch. Heming ferries Mevrian out to the
country as fast as his and Cargo's horses can carry them. We never learn
how poor young Cargo fares with Corinius, which naturally allows us to
imagine all sorts of horrible things.
Three months later, Lord Gro has parted company with the Witches. We
never learn what actually caused the rift, so again, we imagine all sorts
of horrible things. We know how awful Corinius can be, and he surely must
have made life hell for the little Goblin. So...three months? My respect
for Lord Gro has just increased tenfold, if he's able to withstand Corinius'
abuse for that long...
Anyway, he's out traipsing in the countryside, when he enters a sylvan
glade straight out of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Who should he find here
but Mevrian? She has been subsisting up here off of water from a nearby
waterfall, and any game she could manage to hunt down. My respect for her
has likewise increased tenfold, how many female characters from Tolkien
books do you think could have done the same? Repressed, self-loathing homo
that he is, Gro has hopes for a life of hetero "normalcy" with Mevrian,
and tells her so. She turns him down gently, knowing there's nothing so
sad as a self-hating gay man with a crush on a lesbian.
It's just then that they're besieged by soldiers of Witchland.
Mevrian commands even more respect by manfully...sorry, womanfully,
fending off the soldiers single-handed. Gro meanwhile topples like a house
of cards from the daintiest of scratches. They make a cute couple, don't
they? Just when it seems Mevrian can't hold them off any longer, her big
brother and Lord Juss pop in to slaughter the Witches.
As eager as Juss is to get back to his "brotherly love," he decides to
let B.D. have his way, and they put together a force to clean the filth
from Krothering. Amazingly, they allow Gro to be part of their fighting force,
in spite of the fact that he has about as much fighting skill as a de-clawed,
de-fanged kitten. They would have been better off with Mevrian, but these
are sexist, sexist men we're talking about, you understand. The whole Krothering
battle is described from the point of view of a footsoldier, who's relating
the tale to his wife and father back at their farmhouse. One presumes the
scene was included to repair some of the damage done by the whole Mivarsh
episode, but it's too late to backpedal now. They manage to drive the Witches
out of Krothering, naturally. Incidentally, budding trannsexual Cargo dies
horribly in the battle when he cracks his skull after he's thrown from his
horse.
Now that Demonland has been purged of Witches, Juss wants to get busy
on returning to Impland so he can get him some sweet, sweet brotherlove.
B.D., on the other hand, can only think of revenge on not-quite-so-pretty
(and infinitely less classy) Corinius, and wants to traipse off to Carcë
to challenge him to a duel. Since Juss always gets his way, he's denied
satisfaction. A big army is assembled, and they head off once again for
Impland, this time with Lord Gro in tow. Gro has an itchy feeling that
he'll never see Mevrian again, so in a last-ditch attempt to affirm his
nonexistent heterosexuality asks a second time for her hand. Again, she
lets him down as easily and delicately as she can, and we all love her for
that.
Juss makes his way back to Koshtra Belorn, where Queen Sophonisba offers
her final bit of advice before he makes the trip to save his beloved brother:
anyone he should meet on the mountain peak that is not his brother
is but an illusion set there to distract him from his goal. He doesn't
let it get him down, he goes back to the sacred lake and lies down to sleep
incubating the egg. The hippogriff, when it hatches out, is no less wild
than the one that brought poor Mivarsh to his doom. But Juss manages to
at least make it to the slope. This could be that Juss is a bit more skilled
than Mivarsh was, but I tend to think that it's because the hippogriffs are
snobs who will lead astray all those whose names aren't preceded by lofty
prefixes like "Lord." Once on foot, Juss trudges past the many, many traps
till he at last gains the summit, freeing Goldry of his bondage [snicker,
snicker], only to discover that he's unable to move. No, he's not dead, just
paralyzed it seems, and unable to speak.
Well, considering he's only been trapped there for three years, I'd say
he's in pretty good shape.
Juss, on the other hand, is inconsolable. He picks up Goldry and carries
him down the mountain, tears streaming down his face all the way. Exhausted
and looking like something the cat dragged in, Juss returns to Koshtra
Belorn dragging Goldry behind him. The Queen looks upon him and knows the
one thing that will break the spell of paralysis. The solution turns out
to be something Juss has wanted to do with his brother for nigh on three
years, but something he hoped he wouldn't have to do in front of so many
people.
He "has to" kiss Goldry. On the lips.
Sensing her one opportunity to get what she really wants, but can otherwise
never have, Queen Sophonisba demonstrates the proper procedure on Juss.
Perfomance anxiety be damned, Juss does likewise on his brother...and like
that, Goldry Bluszco is back, just as hearty and lovable as ever. And the
world (or, at least, the book) is much, much better for his return. Or,
as Eddison put it, "Surely there was joy in all their hearts that day." None
more so than Juss', certainly.
They don't have it easy making their way to Witchland. A large fleet
of ships, led by Laxus, has been placed in a strait awaiting their arrival.
They are all sunken by the Demons, and Laxus apparently drowned at sea. This
news goes down hard back at Carcë, giving Zenambria and Sriva the opportunity
to putting their artificial feminine faints into practice. The King calls
his men to council, and they stay conferring late into the night.
Upon returning to his chamber, Corund finds Prezmyra still very much
awake. He informs her that the King has named him captain general. She
shows him a letter tended to her from Lord Gro. They read it, and discover
that La Fireez drowned at sea in the battle at the straits.
How does she handle this news? Does she bawl like a miner's widow, or
fall a-swooning like Zenambria and her slutty daughter? Not our Prezmyra.
In fact, she's enraged. Naturally, she hates the Demons more than ever, seeing
it as a failing of theirs. Since she is now Queen of Pixyland by birthright,
she suggests her husband return there to raise an army. He balks until she
implies that he's not doing his proper kingly duty. And if he can't be more
kingly, she will at least do her damnedest to be queenly. Specially since
now, she can properly refer to herself as Queen without feeling "dirty."
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Right on, sister!
The dreaded day of the Demons' arrival comes at last. The action begins
with a parley during which King Gorice and Lord Juss meet face-to-face which
is, actually, pretty disappointing. The battle itself, on the other hand,
lives up to one's expectations, even surpassing them. It also contains the
books most emotionally wrenching moment. Gro is running along gleefully with
the Demon army, glad at once to truly belong, when Corund spots him killing
one of the soldiers of Witchland. Corund says something to the effect of
he can't be friends with a traitor. So to even the score and hope to patch
up his long-time friendship with Corund, he stabs one of the Demon soldiers.
Spitfire sees this and screams bloody murder, running Gro through with his
sword.
You see why Spitfire is a menace and must be stopped now? Making fun
of a man's tears is one thing, but killing off the best character in the
book is a cardinal sin. Say it with me, "We hate Spitfire!"
It's all downhill after that. The battle is obviously not favouring the
Witches, and with Corund critically (later, fatally) wounded, the King decides
that the next day, sorcery will rule the day. So back in his iron tower,
Gorice summons some spirits that eventually become his undoing, destroying
himself and the iron tower once and for all. It's tempting to believe he did
it deliberately to mourn the loss of his fu¢kbuddy Gro. While that's
going on, the remaining lords and ladies who have convened in the banqueting
hall are horrified that the wine they have all just drunk has been poisoned
by Corsus. He, Corinius, Zenambria and Sriva all fall down dead forthwith.
Not one great loss among the four of them, in my opinion.
When the Demon lords enter Carcë, or what remains of it, to exploit
the spoils of their war, they find only Prezmyra. They offer her refuge
in Demonland, but she will have none of it. I can't say that I blame her.
For what? To be married off to the man who killed her best friend? I can't
think of a worse fate. No, Prezmyra being Prezmyra, she gives the Demons
the razor edge of her tongue, then drinks from the poisoned cup and dies
romantically over the corpse of her husband.
I do so love a diva with a sense of drama. The only conceivable way in
which one could have gleaned greater satisfaction from this scenario was
if Prezmyra had shattered the cup after drinking and stabbed Spitfire to
death with the shards. Much to our great disappointment, he remains very
much alive from beginning to end.
That's basically it, save for Queen Sophonisba's visit to Demonland.
Despite not being able to turn Lord Juss around, she has a grand old time.
Too bad the Demons are such sourpusses. You see, all they can do is whine
that there's no one left to fight. Amazingly, it's Sophonisba who suggests
that they take up their swords against Impland, but Goldry is quick to pooh-pooh
the idea...good thing too, as I somehow get the feeling that genocide would
appeal greatly to Lord Spitfire. Anyway, to shut the crybabies up, the Queen
uses her powers granted unto her by the Gods to rewind time back to where
our novel began, with the messenger from Witchland approaching Galing.
Whew! I seem to have opened several cans of worms! Before I get to anything
else, I must address the subject of Lord Gro. I think lots of people tend
to misinterpret his character. Lots of people tend to think of him as the
lords of Witchland do, as an evil traitor who deserves nothing but contempt.
I disagree most strongly. If his character evokes any sort of emotion from
me, it's pity. Lord Gro is an object lesson about what could happen in
an extreme situation if someone worries too much about what others think
of him. Poor Lord Gro only wanted to be loved, and made every concession
he could to fit in. When he couldn't, he moved on to another clique and tried
the same thing all over again. It proved to be his undoing. The lesson taught
to us by Lord Gro is, "Don't try to conform, otherwise, mealy-mouthed idiots
will destroy you." If you don't believe me, read the book. If you already
have and still don't believe me, read it again.
As for the book itself, it is perhaps the great, untapped source
of slash-fiction. If you're tired of reading stories about Kirk/Spock or
Gimli/Legolas, I highly recommend tracking down a copy of "The Worm Ouroboros,"
then getting busy consorting with your word-processor. Mind you, most of the
pairings are, how to put this, kind of creepy...but considering some of the
sick sh!t I've seen out there (cereal-box cartoon character mascots, for
crap's sake!), it's pretty tame. But there's pairings for every taste: Juss/Goldry,
Gro/Gorice, Brandoch Daha/Corinius, Corinius/La Fireez, even Prezmyra/Mevrian
for the Sapphically inclined. For those into more conventional Heteroshipping,
there's also Juss/Sophonisba, Corund/Prezmyra, Gro/Prezmyra, Gro/Mevrian
and Sriva/any man she can spread her legs for.
Anyway, I've got the ball rolling. Now it's up to you.....
Click on Saruman to return...
©2003 by Progbear