(Sorry its small. she had a lot to say!)
For the update from me (Michelle) click here.
Through you I have received a taste of my Father�s love. Thank you so much for the prayers, cards, gifts and words of encouragement. People all over the world who I have never met before are earnestly praying for me�if you love me this much, how much more must my Creator love me and want good things for me? I am so full of peace at this realization. Thank you.
It has been awhile since I have updated many of you. To quickly sum up...
I had three days of chemo two weeks ago, and the treatments went well. It wasn�t till later in the week that I started feeling sick, especially after being given a shot designed to increase my white blood cell count. After three days of feeling awful, I slowly started to feel human again on Monday. Unfortunately, on Tuesday I woke up with a respiratory infection and was immediately put on antibiotics. So I spent all last week whining in misery (much to my parents� and friends� delight :-) and blowing my nose. Currently I am on the tail end of this cold.
Frank (my tumor) continues to make his presence known in my leg. I am very ready for him to leave. My hair (which I did not want to leave) is gone. It was coming out in chunks, so yesterday I worked up the nerve to shave the rest off. My friend Kristina laughed and cried with me as I mourned all the sickly blonde locks falling to the ground. I am now adjusting to the cool breeze I feel at all times. :-)
My doctor appointment yesterday was not very encouraging. I feel so healthy and normal at times�it is hard to be reminded of the seriousness of my condition. Lung surgery doesn�t seem to be an option anymore. I was told there are too many nodules to operate. Chemo may be shrinking the lung tumors, but it will only be a matter of time before the cancer cells stop responding to the chemo and begin to grow again. I was told surgery on my leg would really be more to keep me comfortable rather than as a curative measure.
I start chemo again next week (Mon-Weds) 6 hrs each day. After chemo I will get more chest x-rays and another MRI of my leg to see if the tumors have shrunk. Further evaluations will then be made of my condition and treatment plans will be adjusted accordingly.
I feel like Satan has tried to take everything from me, and now he is trying to take my hope. The impression I got from my appointment is that what I have is lethal, and the medical community can keep me comfortable but a cure is not realistic.
But please know that at my sickest point during chemo and even now after the frustrating doctor appointment, I have never felt so free. I know, it sounds strange, but honestly�my heart is so light. I am so full of joy and peace. My whole life I have intermittently doubted my faith. In the back of my mind I always wondered if I was a Christian because it gave me an identity�as the nice sweet �Christian� girl. It has been easy to praise God because He has given me an amazing life and blessed me repeatedly with good gifts.
But it is hard to say �God is good� and �God loves me� when everything gets taken from you. Will you say �Praise God!� when all your hopes, dreams and future plans get instantly smashed at the diagnoses of malignant cancer? Will you say �Praise God!� when you are told you may lose a leg, or you may not walk again? Will you say �Praise God!� when your vanity gets stripped and images of a scarred (bald) body come to mind? Will you say �Praise God!� when the pain starts and you have to watch your loved ones grieve? Wow�that is when you find out what is at your core.
I have watched as the tree in my heart�the tree of trust in Jesus Christ�has been yanked on and yanked on at each doctor visit, during each stage of the diagnoses, during the long nights wrestling with fear, and on each sick day. I wonder, �Will it get pulled out this time?�
Each time I watch with amazement as the roots grow deeper and deeper. And that is why I say I am free. I have never been more certain of the truth of the gospel. God has never been so real to me. I say I am free because the rains came, and I am still desperately clinging to the rock of Jesus and becoming more and more secure on that
rock. I no longer wonder if I am simply a Christian because it is comfortable.
I hope all you, my friends, find encouragement in what I am learning. Life is short�and it is not about us!! So live passionately everyday for Jesus Christ!!!
�We will have an eternity to celebrate our victories, but only a short time before sunset to win them�
Oh�and keep praying for your favorite friend and sister, Jessica :-)
Pray...
-that there would be hope for my case
-not just for more time but FOR A CURE!
-that the doctors would fight for my life
-that the pain in my leg would diminish
-that I wouldn�t get so sick from chemo this upcoming week (I�m really dreading it!)
-that I wouldn�t get infection after the chemo
(and most importantly again)
-that God would be doing awesome things in the lives of others with this whole situation!
Thanks once again for your love. I�ll keep you updated.
Joyfully,
Jess Frailey
