“So, how did it go with that girl?” I attempted to smile.
“Oh...” Hwanhee shifted awkwardly. “I was going to ask her, but I never found the right time. I think she might like someone else though.” Was he kidding? There was actually a girl who liked another guy over Hwanhee Hwang? He was about as perfect as a man could get. “Maybe she's blind.” Hwanhee laughed at my words. I stole a glance at Brian who was still looking at me. I wanted to shout at him to stop staring at me with those guilty eyes, that I didn't need his pity, that I didn't need him. “So is it true? Do you like Brian?” The question fit so well with my thoughts that it took a while before I realized it was Hwanhee's voice asking it “No.” I replied resolutely, more for Brian to hear than Hwanhee. “I thought for a while that I did, but it turned out I was just confused, caught up in the moment.” It was true. For a second last night, I had forgotten that he was the Brian Joo who had always enjoyed playing with me. For a second, I almost thought he was genuine. I guess I was just fooled once again. Hwanhee didn't reply and so I turned towards the customers arriving. I still had a job to do. That day, the minutes seemed to drag on, the hours endless. I almost called it quits half way. I wanted to take a sick leave; my head was pounding. “Jen, are you feeling alright? You look kinda pale.” It took a while for me to comprehend the words. My mind and body felt sluggish. Was I coming down with something? “Jen?” I heard the voice repeat my name. Was that Brian? No, it couldn't be. I had almost forgotten that Brian didn't care about me. Maybe I was just imagining things. Feeling drowsy, I closed my eyes. If I didn't go out with him last night, I wouldn't be feeling this. If I could erase that memory, I could get over this. I was losing balance. Then, just as I felt myself falling, a strong pair of arms caught me. Maybe it had all been a dream. The Brian I saw last night didn't really exist did he? I awoke in the passenger seat of my car. Although I still felt a slight headache, the dizziness was gone. I stared out the window, the trees were flying by. Suddenly, realizing the car was moving, I turned towards the driver's seat. There sat Brian Joo. Feeling my eyes on him, he glanced over. “How are you feeling now? Better?” Why was he doing this to me? “Stop the car.” I requested quietly. “You should see a doctor though,” replied Brian without slowing. Why was he still pulling this act? It was hard enough already. “I said stop the car!” Brian didn't stop. Without realizing what I was doing, I had already reached out and grabbed the steering wheel. I pulled it sharply, causing the car to veer dangerously close to the neighboring lane. “Damn it Jen! What do you think you're doing? You trying to get us killed here?” This was the real Brian Joo, the one that was yelling at me right now. His voice was harsh and irritated. A part of me wanted him to keep yelling, to keep staring at me with those annoyed eyes. Maybe then, I would forget the Brian from the night before. Frustrated, Brian raked his hand through his hair and pulled over to the side of the road. Even before the car had reached a complete stop, I had already opened the door and stepped out. “Jen!” I heard Brian call my name as I walked away. Why was he making this so difficult? The sound of his footsteps neared me. I broke out in a run, but before I could get anywhere, I felt his hand grab my wrist. “Jen stop,” he said softly. I hated this gentle voice. I hated it, since I knew I was falling for it. It was making me fall for his act, for his pity. It was telling me to forget that he had thrown me away With a sudden burst of anger, I shoved his hand aside. “Are you done playing with me yet? You think you can just come out of nowhere and act like you care? I hate you Brian Joo. Why don't you just go away and leave me alone?” My words hit him hard. I didn't care. I didn't need his pity. It would have been enough if he had just left me alone. Brian no longer tried to stop me as I walked away. I really did hate him at that moment. Why did he have to give me the false hope that he really was worried about me? He didn't need to feel guilty. I would be fine. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My eyes wanted to close although I knew I still needed to shower. As I laid there drowsily, my eyes fell on the Pucca, the consolation prize that Brian had left me. Ignoring the initial impulse to throw it away, I had let it drop on my floor. Now, as I stared at the red and black plushie, the memories of our date together came back vividly It was exactly a week ago that I received my first kiss. Why were tears forming? I didn't need him. There was no reason to cry. Somehow, no matter how I tried to deny my feelings, the tears wouldn't stop. No matter what, my feelings for him wouldn't go away. Silently, I pulled my knees to my chest. Somehow I knew that I could deal with him rejecting me if only he would go away. Brian Joo, are you happy now? Are you satisfied now that I've finally broken? The sky was gray that morning. Would it rain? I pulled my hair behind my ear as I arrived at the beginning of my shift. I had thrown Pucca in my bag before leaving the house There was no longer a need to hold onto it. Being able to see the stuffed Pucca everyday would only remind me of memories I no longer wanted to keep. Like the memories, however, I couldn't bear to throw it away. Today, I would return it to him. I saw him through the glass doors with the manager. His face seemed so serious. Silently, I pulled open the door and slipped in. Neither noticed me. “..location's inconvenient,” I heard Brian say. “Alright. Well, if you ever need a recommendation...” The manager trailed off. Brian said his thanks with a smile. He was quitting? Brian turned towards me then. I watched as he approached without any expression. Wordlessly, I saw as he came closer, until he was nearly three feet away. Would he say anything? It felt like he was seeing right through me. I closed my eyes as he brushed past me and left through the glass doors. When I opened my eyes again, Brian was gone. This was what I wanted, wasn't it? Mechanically, I moved towards the empty counter. “Lisa called in sick, you think you can handle it by yourself for today?” I heard the manager say. By myself? I wasn't sure I could. People still rushed in and out and my watch continued to tick. So why did it seem like time had frozen? An hour had passed since Brian Joo left. Wasn't this what I had hoped for? Now that I would never have to see him again, shouldn't I be happy? Remembering the Pucca in my bag, I cautiously took it within my hand. I grasped it tightly, remembering that I had forgotten to return it to him. “Jen,” Brian's voice sounded quietly from the plushy. I listened speechlessly to the recording coming from the Pucca. “When you first started working, I always tried to provoke you. I guess I wanted you to remember me this time, for things to be different from two years ago.” I heard him laugh “Dumb, right? All I did was make you hate me.” He paused. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. My mind seemed to have frozen. “I like you, Jen... no... Jen...Jen Kim...I think that...maybe...I might have just fallen in love with you.” I wordlessly turned the stuffed Pucca over. Was that why he didn‘t respond? It was because he was in love with me? I would have laughed if I wasn't so close to crying at that point. What was I supposed to do? I wasn't sure. I couldn't think. All I knew was that I wanted to... no... I needed to find Brian I rushed out of the door as quickly as I could, ignoring the calls of my manager Brian would be going home now, wouldn't he? I ran in the direction of the Metra station. As I ran, a thousand thoughts rushed through my head. Would he forgive me? No, more importantly, would he hate me now? I was breathless after two blocks. Why didn't I bring the car? The station was another five blocks away. I wondered if I would miss him, if perhaps by some chance of fate, the train had already come and taken him away. As I neared the station, I saw a blur of metal approaching from the distance. I scanned the platform in a state of panic. I couldn't find him. For a moment, I thought that I had missed him, that he had already caught an earlier train and left. I couldn't breathe. Then, I saw him on the far side of the platform, that familiar figure in the white shirt with his back to me. The train approaching roared in my ears. Would he step on the train before I could reach him? Without realizing what I was doing, I felt my feet rush forward. Each step led me closer, but also reminded me of the many more left to go. I watched the train stop and the doors slide open. Brian took a step forward. I tried to call out to him, but my voice caught in my throat. As he approached the train, I felt myself lunge forward and embrace him from behind. Brian didn't pull away. He seemed to know it was me. “Brian, I love you too.” I whispered, finally finding my voice again. “I love you too.” My words sounded silent against the rumbling train Could he even hear me? I felt his body shift. I dropped my arms as he turned towards me. With a warm smile, he wiped away the tears I hadn‘t realized I‘d cried. When he pulled me into his arms, I wondered if it was possible for us to stay like that forever. “I thought I'd never hear you say that,” he whispered softly in my ear. “I'm sorry,” I said, looking up towards his soft brown eyes. “I'm sorry for everything.” The wind picked up speed, blowing the hair from my face Brian leaned down slowly and kissed my forehead. As he pulled back, his eyes caught mine and I melted under his soft gaze. It was a moment that would remain engraved in my mind throughout my lifetime. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Ey... Jen, can you pass the Baked Lays?” asked Brian with his eyes glued on the TV. Two weeks had already passed and here I was, sitting with Brian in his apartment on a lazy Sunday afternoon. “Is it the Lays or a kiss from me?” I questioned while snatching the Lays out of Brian's reach. “The Lays... come on... I'm hungry.” Brian whined in a kiddy voice My mouth hung open at the idea of being rejected over a bag of potato chips. Seeing my face, Brian quickly added, “just kidding, just kidding. Here,” he said while puckering up his lips. “I hate you, Brian Joo.“ Tossing the bag of chips on Brian, I watched as he happily dug in. “You don't hate me. You said you loved me, remember?” Brian said in between bites,“ and true love lasts forever.” I looked at him, slightly surprised. It was strange how he turned out to be so different from what I expected, what he seemed to be There was something about his words that soothed me, something about him that took my breath away. I noted for the first time the angular cut of his jaw, the curve of his lips, the softness I found in his innocent eyes. I realized that although Hwanhee may have been the perfect guy, Brian was the perfect one for me. Impulsively, I reached out a hand and gently touched his messy brown hair. When he turned to look at me, I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face. “You're right. I do love you, Brian Joo.” Page 1/ Page 2/