and WELCOME to Mark Burgers' "I LOVE BACON" Webpage!
This is me:
and...
Just the other day, whilst enjoying the large, juicy BLT sandwich of my friendly neighborhood caf�, I was approached by Ryan Vanderbijl and asked "What would you, an obvious bacon lover, do had you been born Jewish? You see, my friend, bacon is pr0k, the forbidden delight of our Semetic compatriots. But do you, do you appreciate the gravity of this question, friend? - - for I am asking you to choose: your god or your sandwich." He spoke with such dazed insistency that I lowered BLT from a poised tongue, peered deeply therein; Truly, I thought, Ryan has raised an important question, one that - - for the sake of existential tenability - - I should probably consider without further delay.
I thanked him and finished my BLT soon thereafter.
I love bacon, after all. That's what I concluded: I love bacon, and I'd be damned if I let my ethos, any ethos - - whatever it be, however many thousands of years of tradition and trial - - I'll be damned if I let my ethos run its grubby fingers over those mouthwatering strips of bubbling pigfat. So you present me with a choice, eh, Ryan? The darkest of Sheol's inky pits or bacon's warm caress? Well, let me tell you, Vanderbijl, let me tell you: I wouldn't hesitate, not for a second, to douse my head in the scalding run-off of newly-dished baconjuice - - even if it meant facing the eternal greasefires. For Bacon is my ethos, Pigfat my lord, veganism my hell - - and let it be heard, let it trumpet, resound from family dinnertable to the most remote Russian sty:
Here is some bacon-inspired poetry that I have composed - - or, should I say, that bacon has composed through me - - for your meditation.
Now, let me tell you a bit about myself:
Name: Mark Burgers
Nickname: "Ham"-burgers; "I-Love-Bacon"; "The Hambinger of Doom" or simply "Hambinger"
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Age: 21 and counting
Sex: Yes, please!!!! Hahaha!
Favorite Food: BACON! AREN'T YOU PAYING ATTENTION?
Favorite Color: Sort of a pinkish-red
Favorite Movie: Deliverance
Favorite TV Show: The Muppet Show
Favorite Actor: Kevin Bacon; Ned Beatty
Favorite Actress: None
Favorite Videogame: Diakatana
Favorite Song: NIN, "March of the Pigs"; Big Tymers, "#1 Stunna"
Favorite Book: The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair
Schooling: I attended Grand Rapids Christian High School between 93-97; I presently attend Calvin College where I am majoring in agri-business. I plan to graduate in 01.
Hobbies:
-I have collected a variety of bacon-relatted paraphernalia, including a signed limited-edition Nick Faldo meat-tenderizer, and an ultra-rare 1974 "Smokey's Choice"-brand hide-stripper with the inverted steamboat emblem! I also golf.
-I try to read a new book every week, but usually put it down after a few pages so that I can watch ABC sitcoms, instead. Later, in tears behind the water-heater, I quietly reassure myself that business-majors don't really need to read, anyway.
For your viewing pleasure, I have assembled a small collection of pork-related images. This gallery is still growing, mind you, and I always happy to receive new entries - - perhaps attached to surprise e-mails, or maybe beamed to my hard-drive via the magic that is DCC transfer; I usually hang around #pork-lovers, for all you EFnet users out there! But I really enjoy surprise-email, too!
It has recently been called to my attention that not everyone likes bacon as much as I. This, as you can imagine, first came to me as a shock: I knew college would expose me to new and strange things - - but I could never have imagined this. The mere whiff of such a pasty-white notion - - enfeebled under excrescent fleshrolls --- is enough to hurl me into gales of unquenchable tears.... and porkthirst. Why, think of all that unrealized bacon potential, anticipating - - inertlike - - to be claimed by a choosy palate like mine. So spurn away, you knobby fruits! That just means all the more bacon for me! You think I care that you have forsaken the birthright of mankind? Think again, if you could in the first place: the great beauty of appetite is that it transcends the social, the other, by collapsing its relevance. Grand Captain Belly subsumes all to the self, reduces all to �eatability�, and, quite frankly, couldn�t care less for its feeling: Captain Belly must be satisfied by warrant of being an appetite. We - - Belly and I - - don�t care about you, in our appetitive ravings. And how could we? You can�t spell �human� without �ham�, after all - - so what does that make you? �Um�, that�s what, a limp nullity struggling for a tootsie-roll pop in lieu of an erection. Try harder, fools. Or at least eat at Denny�s once in a while. Then, maybe, we can talk.
My family has a long and staid tradition of pig-loving, most evident by my surname: "Burgers." We have speculated that one of our ancestors - - an old-world type, we suggest - - that one of our ancestors so had an affinity to ham twixt bread, that fellow townspersons conferred upon him the name "Hamburger", scribbling his insatiability forever in the matchbook of history. "Aye," they would grunt to each other in their savage rural tongue, no doubt febrile murmuring gasped before keeling o'er dead from virulent rat-borne bacteria, " 'ere gay-oes olde mahn 'Ambahgah; off to ye peeg-mahkeet woonce ahgayn, tha payrvart!" Clearly, however, old man Hamburger had the last laugh: for his name - - eventually truncated to "Amburger", then "m'Burger", "Burger", until finally bestowed its illustrious pluralization - - for his name lives on, while the lesser names of his colleagues - - von Flatulent, el Bough, Boonstra, Nosehead, Sony - - have been lost forever in the raging torrent of human discourse and, dare I say, progress. It is clear, thus, that - - in spite of the glorious taste, in spite of its heavenly globs of liquescent lard dribbling liberally down my chin onto my "I [heart] Pork" bib waiting patiently below - - I love Bacon for a greater cause: pro familia, pro patris. Regardless of its natural charms, baconlove is my birthright and, clearly, Ryan, your question was null as soon as it detached itself from your pasty noggin: you will never find a Jew and a Burgers conjoined - - for the two are analytically opposed. And, even then...
Enjoy the best that the porcine internet has to offer: Links for all!
Do you love pork as much as I? Or is your baconlove as inchoate as my lovelife? Are you just curious? Any questions about me or my obsession? Please mail me at [email protected]
