Lost In The Forgotten Realms Of Love (Part 1)
Since beginning Revenge Of The Gamer Chick more than nine months ago, the OOC essays have addressed many different facets of what it means to be a woman in a male-dominated hobby like gaming (or, conversely, what happens when women start invading men’s turf!). In the past twenty-some essays, I think I’ve managed to say almost everything there is to say about how to be considerate and respectful toward members of the opposite gender while gaming. But there’s a major part of mixed-gender gaming group dynamics that I haven’t even touched upon yet. I’m talking about what happens when gaming groups go past respect and let older instincts take over. I’m talking, of course, about gamer romances.
Forming
a stable, healthy, lasting romantic relationship with a fellow gamer is a
common dream within our little subculture (where, let’s face it, romances of
any kind are often a curiosity).
Recently I’ve received a number of emails asking me for tips on this
very issue, and while I am almost painfully aware of the irony of me, the queen
of the dysfunctional relationship, being asked for love advice, I’ve decided to
try my best to use OOC to talk about the joys and complications of gamer love. This issue is too complex for only one
column, so I’ll divide it into two parts.
Part one, which you see before you, will discuss do’s and don’t’s for
romancing fellow gamers. Part two,
which should be appearing very soon, will address the problems and pitfalls
of being a gamer in a committed relationship and give you some ideas on how
to avoid them.
(I
should also point out that the advice I’m about to give goes both ways. Female gamers looking for a male gamer
boyfriend (or, for that matter, homosexual gamers looking for a partner) should
just switch the pronouns as they see fit and take the advice as well. Though it seems to be considerably easier
for single and searching female gamers to find a male gamer interested in them,
and at least in my experience they are a little better at handling interpersonal
relationships.)
So
you want to date a female gamer. Well,
good for you. This topic has been
discussed to death on RPG Survey and in
some other forums, with a number of the respondents making some very insightful
comments. They’ve all pointed out that
the first thing you have to do is meet one.
Gender ratios being what they are in our hobby, this is sometimes easier
said than done. Here is where I cannot
help you very much, since it’s little more than a matter of chance whether or
not you end up with gamer chicks in your group or your immediate vicinity. For those of you who are really desperate,
gaming and/or science fiction conventions are a wonderful thing, since they
tend to attract all the gamers in a given area and then some, so the women are
more likely to come out of the woodwork.
Once
you’ve actually met a gamer chick, the obvious next step is to talk to her, get
to know her, get her interest, and (if all goes well) ask her out. This is where many attempts at gamer dating
come to a screeching halt, usually for really stupid reasons. I never fail to be astonished by the number
of male gamers who do not have the slightest clue about how to be polite
to women. Pleading inexperience in
romance is fine when it comes to the nuances of a committed relationship. However, doing the same when it comes to common
courtesy is not. Treat her just as well
as you would a friend or relative (unless, of course, you act like a complete moron
around your friends and relatives). And
I don’t mean to play toward stereotypes, but displaying good or at least passable
personal hygiene is always a good thing.
You have an advantage over other singletons in that you and the object
of your affection already have at least one interest in common. This gives you a perfect excuse to walk up
to someone and start chatting about the merits and flaws of D&D 3rd
edition, the demise of FASA, or the latest supplement for Vampire: The
Masquerade. If she answers all your
questions in monosyllables and keeps leafing through that copy of Knights of
the Dinner Table whenever you’re talking, you should probably move on and
assume she’s not interested. If she’s
paying attention, nodding, smiling, and laughing in all the right places, give
it some time and who knows, you might have something.
As
for the difficult question itself, I would suggest getting this out of the way
as soon as possible. Most female gamers
have had the experience of being secretly lusted after by a friend, sometimes
for years on end. This is never a
pleasant experience for either party and rarely ends well. Be direct, and the worst that can happen is
that she turns you down and you have to start over. Be indirect, and the worst that can happen is that you waste
years of your life pining for someone (and probably overlooking other prospects
in the process) who either a) is not interested or b) a complete jerk. (Been there, done that, and it sucks. Trust me.)
However, I think most women will tell you that they don’t like cheesy pick-up
lines, no matter how good they may be.
So leave lines like “I have a Shivan Dragon, do you want to see it?” and
scenarios where you tell said female gamer that she can only join your campaign
after a one-on-one introductory session which just happens to take place in
your apartment at 8 p.m. on Friday in the recesses of your subconscious where
they belong. (You may laugh, but...)
Once
you get past the introductory stage, everything else is so much easier; just
keep being polite and being yourself and you shouldn’t have a problem. Either you have a date or two and just don’t
connect as anything more than friends and it’s no big deal, or things go well
and you end up with the gamer girlfriend you always wanted. I don’t have any magic methods or secret
formulas that will ensure that everything will go the way you plan it. But I do have one piece of essential advice
for maintaining the lasting gamer relationship of your dreams: You and your
love interest need to have something in common outside of gaming or you will
not be able to keep her interested for very long. Maybe that “something” is similar political and religious views
(though conflicting ones make things so much more fun, if you ask me!), complementary
tastes in books, movies, or music, or a passion for the same sports teams; it
doesn’t really matter, so long as you have something to talk about once the
vein of “how Freddy the wild mage kicked the crap out of that blue dragon last
week” runs dry (and it will, believe you me).
I have been involved in a number of gamer romances that began well but
fizzled out before long. All the men
involved were excellent gamers and wonderful people, but they also had one
thing in common that made me decide I couldn’t handle a serious relationship
with them—they were more or less incapable of carrying on a sustained
conversation about anything other than gaming.
I’d try to change the subject to movies, current events, the misadventures
of our mutual friends, anything, but somehow it would always meander its
way back to gaming within a few minutes, until the entire date repeated itself
like a broken record. Gaming is a
wonderful thing and a substantial part of my life, but it’s not all there is to
me. If I’m going to devote serious time
and energy to a relationship, it needs to be with someone who understands the
other things in my life, too. So don’t
be afraid to change the subject every now and then. Who knows what other things you might find out you and your
sweetie have in common?
Well,
it would appear that this essay became Dating Advice For Dummies to a greater
degree than I would have liked it to be, but I think some of this needed to be
said. Coming soon (like within a week
or so): Lost In The Forgotten Realms Of Love (Part 2), or How To Be A Gamer In
A Long-Term Relationship Without Making All The Single People Around You Die Of
Bitterness And Jealousy.
Many thanks to Scott Gordon for opening my eyes to the need for a public discussion of this topic. I hope he doesn’t mind that I’ve appropriated the subject line of his email as the title of this column.
Copyright (c) 2001 by Beth
Kinderman. This is my original work, so
please respect it.