| Tommy Says II: A Continuation light blue? how original.... |
| Due to java being incapable of handling my extreme popularity, it shut itself down and won't come out of its room until I return to my nerdy state. However, upon returning to a state of nerdiness I realized I could bypass it and simply make another page!! So it's the same deal as the other site. |
| Dear Tommy, Who I am if he is her with both of them clinging to me talking about they, who are the parents of my sister's cousin, which announced that there mother's cousin is baptizing there aunt's nephew's brother's baby? - Kush Patil, i mean Patel (shifts eyes) Dear Kush, Hmm.............................hmmm.............................hmmmmmmmmmmm.................... I give up. This one is up for grabs. Anyone? Anyone? No one? Big surprize.... Sorry Kush, I can't help you till you learn to help yourself. Never forget: A penny saved is worth two in the bush. Think about it. -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy, What would you do oo oo for a klondike bar? ~TAYLOR~ Dear Taylor, Oh ho ho! What would I do for a KLONDIKE bar?!? Well, let me just put that answer into set notation so everyone understands it. D: {Nothing, Pay for it} u (Kill) There that was easy wasn't it? Those things are so delicious...with their crunchy outsides, icecreamy insides, and stick filled middles. mmmm I could kill for one right now. Unfortunately for me, there's no one around to kill. I'm not saying killing for candy and other sweets is a good idea, I just think Klondike bars excede a human's expectations for goodness. It's so good that it started some of the biggest events in history. Jacki-san: What would you do for a Klondike bar? Japanese Leader: I would send an attack at Pearl Harbor! Jacki-san: Whaaaa??? So don't underestimate the power of Klondike bars, they've caused and solved more world conflicts than you know*. -Tommy ^_^ *Additional conflicts can be found in my book for $199.99, get your copy today! |
| Dear Tommy, Why does everyone think that I am going to grow up to become a house wife and mother of 19 million kids? I mean, honestly. Is it something about the way I dress?? Do I DRESS like a person who is going to have no future except their family? Or maybe it's my personality...do I ACT too virginal and house wife-ish? Also, why hasn't it occurred to any of these amateur "Miss Cleo"s that I HATE KIDS?! (Need me to say it again?) I HATE KIDS!!!!! Furthermore, why was I cast in the "Deerslayer" future as bieng a house wife? This just seems to be a reoccurring idea about the future of my life that I want to get rid of more desperately than a female moustache. I am just asking The Great Tommy...maybe you can tell me what the problem is. Thanks, Tommy! ^_^ Sincerely, Brittany Dear Brittany, One..two...three...four...five...six... Six questions all in one little paragraph. Let's see, with 12 sentences and 6 questions, that gives you a question rate of one question per 2 sentences. While this ratio is not uncommon, never has the number of total sentences been so large, so it may take me a moment to decide how to answer this.......ok, I got it. Let us begin analyzing Brittany as carefully as we dare. You're in band, but that can't be it because there are lots of people in band and we never accuse Mike of being a housewife in his future (as much...). You wear clothing, once again not a big lead due to the large number of people in our school (dare I say the majority?) that wear clothing on a regular basis. Personality...hmm this might be where we find our first big clue. Generally housewives are thought of as kind, caring people who act fairly and drive minivans. I would say you meet 3/4 of those requirements, but so do others who are not so quickly clasified as housewives-to-be. Well this certainly is a humdinger. I'm going to say it's that personality dealie, cause it makes the most sense. As for the Deerslayer part. You were assigned as a pregnant mother of 8 for the same reason Emily is a smoker, Ryan is a fat old female prostitute, I am gay, John is a director...., and Clayton is a druggie. It just seems funny. They aren't true, and were more or less assigned at random, going down a list (except for a few certain cases which were handpicked (looking at you Mike)). So don't let that get to you. If it really does bother you, you could be a...I don't know...golfball....maker.... -Tommy ^_� |
| Note: The previous message was not sent in by anyone named Kush. I am 99% positive I know who did send it, and I would like to take this time to request that people please sign with their own names. Thanks. -Tommy -_- |
| Dera tommy what is a Mouth for? please provide me with all avalible posablites as i need to know from Myles (the Great Obadiah, aka the smartest man alive!) PS: thats dear* Dera Myles G.o.a.t.'s. M.a., I have taken the time to analyze this question in great detail. After a few days of staring vacantly at it I have determined the following: Sp, cap, cap, preposition at end of sentence, cap, sp, sp, cap, punc, cap. Looking past all this, I have decided to take onto my own noble shoulders the task of determining every single posablite that the human mouth is for. Listing every single thing would be ridiculous because there would be obvious things like eating and blowing spit bubbles. So I will use this space to list the unsung uses for the mouth. Beatboxing, storing things, flotation device/air bag, fermenting alcoholic beverages/brewing brews (witch's or otherwise), scientific pressure lab tool, fake illness accessory, flicking springs, turn signaling, humor, straw cover launcher. That's about all of them. A lot of these I wouldn't recommend you do for your own saftey (have you ever tried beat boxing?). For instance, if you don't exercize caution when shooting straw covers you might hit a police man and alert him to the fact that you're littering...or maybe he'll think you're attacking him and shoot you. You never know with cops. The point is Myles, that as long as you use caution with your mouth you'll be ok. Be sure to pass this information on to your kids (anyone get it? anyone?). -Tommy ^_^ |
| Could you perchance explain to Britt that you don't become a pregnant mother of 8 kids by acting virginal? (She seems a bit confused, or heck, maybe I'm confused...) -NickiP You know Nickip, you are absolutely right. I didn't bring this point up in the previous email because I figured I'd done enough to bring anger upon me, but as long as someone else has brought it up first I'm not so against discussing this. However, despite your accusation that acting virginal won't result in 8 kids, it can sometimes be quite the case. I won't go into details, but I will sum up everything I didn't say with the phrase "absenstinence makes the hips grow wider". This old proverb simply proposes that people who don't proverbially strut their stuff have a propensity to procreate and probably will produce a more prolific family. It's just a fact set down by the ancients, don't argue or your cottage will be smote. However, while acting virginal may not deter a large a family, BEING virginal most likely will. As with everything there are loopholes which I would rather not bother going into. Suffice it to say...I USED 8 PRO- WORDS IN ONE SENTENCE! HI OH! -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy, what was the [deleted for content question] on the formor tommy says? it was near the bottem of the page.and hypotheticly how long must one wait for someone to like them. sencirly the great Obadiaha Dear Obadiaha, Well, the content is still kinda inappropriate. I need remind some people that I have younger (and older) readers whose mind's just can't handle seeing curse words or things of a sexual nature on a website. If you would like, I could send you the question individually. ?Just email me asking for it and you will recieve it in 6 to 8 weeks. As for your second question; I wouldn't recommend asking me about relationships. I don't like the responsibility of giving people advice that could get them dumped, rejected, set out to dry, put out on a limb, two sheets to the wind, or under the weather. However, as long as we're speaking hypothetically about nothing at all....I suppose I can just say any time whatsoever simply because there are no conditions stated to say otherwise. So.....6 to 8 weeks? -Tommy ^_^ |
| I am out of town for a family reunion until next Saturday or Friday, after that I will most likely have a big build up of humorous insights into the workings of the human body, the universe, and all those other silly things I get asked about, so feel free to continue asking away. |
| Dear Tommy, Why does my brothers belly get larger every couple of weeks but mine stays the same, if your friends, you-self and I were representeted in a cartoon show what kind of charecters would each one of us be (like fat pig, annoying sibling, robot, gargage compactor, convent store owner, ect.ect.), and can you give me a few good reasons/stories why i hate cheese. Thank you so much for this insight Obadiah (Myles) Dear Myles, Your brother has a very common disorder called "Americanism". Whether purely mental, or hereditary, or possibly an evironmental thing, this disease causes the victim to eat as much as they want, whenever they want without having to say "heil", "��", or "I like hockey eh?". This is not something to worry too strongly about, although one common side effect is French bashing and egotism (strangely enough, these can also be causes for the disease). However, both of these can be cured by a ritualistic beating from a man named Pierre ((409)-732-2242). However, YOU have the only known cure (other than diet and exercise which Americanism victims can't do anyway) which is, of course, Post-pubertic Metabolism Syndrome. In other words you're a teen whose stomach eats the pre-chewed food dished out to it faster than the food can run to your fat storage glands (thighs, stomach, and ankles apparently). So that's that. As for your second inquiry: I'm afraid to say that I refuse to answer that. The reasons are three-fold. 1) I'd rather keep these answers less personal. 2) I KNOW people will get pissed no matter what they get unless I put "body-building super-genius ladies-man" for every male and "funny, smart super model" for all the girls. 3) The mental image created by "Convent store owner" has thrown my whole sense of being out of "whack". I just kinda imagine a priest wearing pimp clothes and auctioning off convents to the highest bidder. Weird. To finish up, you hate cheese because some of it dropped into your crib as a child where it remained for weeks, growing and evolving, until it begin talking to you and telling you to hail the supreme dairy overlord. From that day you and your brother ("The Blob", an immovable force) became strange cheese-hating super heros. This hate for cheese eventually led to a hate for the French, which of course brought Americanism down upon you. I think I see a comic down the line. -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy, what do you do when you like a guy, and hang out with him all day. then the two of you make out and what not but then later in the week you hang out with another guy you kinda like, and the two of you make out, then the second guy gets upset b.c he really cares for you and you have seem to have hurt his feelings... what do you do? Dear , I consider it a personal attack on my sexuality that you would ask what I would do when I liked a guy and all that jazz. However, I do not mind because you obviously have a serious problem, and you have trusted me to answer it, thereby allowing me so screw you up far worse. Have I disclaimed on my site yet that I should not be trusted when it comes to relationship advice? I think I have. If not, let this be your warning: anything you see on my site can and will cause more problems than you had before. Except for this question which I will answer in complete sincerity. As I see it you have a few options that fall short of violence, and a few others that fall borderline (is vandalism violence?). One possibility involves the age-old technique of denying everything. This maneuver has been used by business persons, politicians, and criminals alike. The idea behind it is that you simply act like nothing happened and if it ever gets brought up you simply deny any knowledge of the circumstances. The accuser will more than likely argue profusely that you did indeed do this or that, and there is a good chance that they will become angry with your continued denial of responsibilty. The way this works, however, is that you do it forever, or until one of you dies. I personally frown on this course of action because it ends in death. So let's consider some other avenues. What you could do is approach them both at the same time and see if they're up to do something...freaky. I'm not sure of the spelling, but I believe it is called "menage et trois" (pronounced "three-some"). Now, this is very risque and I also do not condone it, but it might get you out of this mess if the two guys are weird like that. One final possible way to get out of this with the least amount of problems will be to move. Not move on, or move to bigger and better things, but actually, physically move yourself from this state and replant in a different one. For you I would recommend Utah for obvious reasons. If you have absolutely no clue what I'm talking about, I recommend you do a little research on Joseph Smith. -Tommy ^_^ PS: If you STILL don't get it, email me and I'll send you a pamphlet |
| Dear Tommy, Why have so many bad movies been made? I mean, seriously, who goes to see movies like "Kangaroo Jack?" ("Kangaroo Jack," by the way, was the #1 movie in the American box office at some point in time.) Can you please give me some insight as to why these movies make money. Thank you. -John Dear John, People ask this question every single time they see a bad movie. It's hard for some people to grasp how any sane person could sit down and think that Air Bud III: World Pup could become a summer spectacle and rock the critics' worlds. It is simply mind-blowing to consider that at some point during their day a team of researchers decided a movie should be made about (I kid you not) KISS meeting the Phantom of the Park (in the very bad movie "KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park"). The point of these movies simply HAS to be to make other, better, movies look twice as good. In fact, when you compare a very bad movie to a not so good movie, the not so good movie suddenly becomes an ok movie. So in a way the bad movies are what make some movies good. Movies like Kangaroo Jack only make it big because they have movies like *shudder* "Leprechaun 4: In Space" making it look like "The Breakfast Club" of our own time. Don't worry though, John. Most movies that suck do not make it big in the box office and are thereby forced upon people in schools, prisons, and cynical groups that enjoy watching bad movies and making fun of them. It was the creation of such a group that brought forth a good movie, "Mystery Science Theater 3000". So, bad movies aren't all bad, they're only bad when compared to something better than them. Make sense? It better. Not funny? Compared to "Black Knight" it is. -Tommy ^_^ PS: Black Knight creators, please don't sue! |
| Dear Tommy- Why are reality television shows continuing to take over our stations and invading our homes? I hate most reality tv shows like "Who wants to marry my dad" and "The Bachelor/ette" and I was never really fond of "Survivor" and such. So please, tell me why they must keep making these stupid shows. -Syd, the lil white girl Dear Syd, TV has been the foundation of many families and work places for a long time now. However, it was only recently that television took a nasty turn for the worse in its programming with the introduction of "Reality" TV. The craze began with "Survivor". Survivor called itself reality TV because it featured so many things that are seen in real-life. It had REAL people doing REAL things in a REAL place. Survivor also incorporated a few...stretches of the truth in that it featured these REAL people in an environment that none of these people ever would have been in without the aid of this show, and they were doing things that no normal person ever does without the introduction of foreign objects into their brain. The worst part of "reality" TV is how the shows are the absolute opposite of what reality is like. They will continue to make these shows, though, because they know that we love to watch people make fools of themselves. Moreso, we love to see people get ganged up on (which is why reality TV often involves voting). Well, as a reader Taylor suggests, it seems that we have reached the point where televised gladitorial combat to the death would be the most watched TV show on the air. Why can I see Fox jumping on this idea in the near future? It's sad, but I know that I would watch. This is because the TV companies know how to target the FritoLay brand cheese curl-eating, lazy American who has nothing better to do. They give us something to watch without thinking too hard, and in the end someone gets kicked out or killed! It's a win-win situation, my friend. Which is why I would like to take this time to announce my new reality TV show airing this Fall on Fox entitled "Who Wants to Jump Off This Cliff?" The basic idea would be that a bunch of people line up and jump off a cliff. The last person on top of the cliff wins and gets to jump off the cliff! It's such a beautiful idea I can't believe no one else as thought of it. Patent pending. -Tommy ^_^ |
| Alrighty, it's been a while, so let me take a moment to catch up. Happy 4th of July! I trust no one has blown any fingers off in freak-grill-lighter fluid accidents? I spent my 4th in Branson, MO. Branson is a little town that thinks it has a lot more than it seemed to as far as I'm concerned. The best part I saw of it was Silver Dollar City. There was a lake too, and we went fishing... in the rain. Then we went skiing and tubing... in the rain. Then we wrapped it all up by sitting in a shower of sparks, realizing that was too nerdy for us and returning to the condo to play Dungeons and Dragons. I spectated. Anyway, now we're all back to working and whatnot and I can go back to responding. I have a rather large back-up of emails so I suppose I should just get started. |
| Dear Tommy, Why don't we have televised gladatorial combat? And while we're on the subject of life-and-death struggles, why don't you suggest to your female readers that they write a book translating what girls mean when they communicate with us less complicated male beings? Thanks a bundle. Sincerely, Confused in the 'Ville Dear Confused, While you may not think there's televised gladitorial combat, there are actually a number of programs that fall into this category. However, none of these programs feature the combatants being released into a life of third-world status or being eaten by one of the larger members of the feline family. These are the things that would make TV enjoyable. Can't you just imagine William Hung being sent to live with the Aboriginals of Austrailia, and if at the end of the program they give him a thumbs down he is eaten by a dingo? Hee hee. Yes, that would be good. Where was I? Ah yes, and now on a completely unrelated and entirely unprompted note, I would like to take a minute to advise my female readers to write a book translating what girls mean when the communicate with u....we....less complicated male beings. This advise, I must remind you, is entirely my opinion and was not influenced in any way by anyone else. A nice little pamphlet would do just as well. A flyer! a post-it note! ANYTHING! Throw us a bone once in a while if you would be so kind. I think there's a bone surplus from Fox's new reality show. Just send a self-addressed stamped envelope and $20 to: Bones For Me. PO Box 45 Beverly Hills, California. 90210. -Tommy ^_^ PS: For God's sake don't send any money to that address! If you're going to send any money anywhere, send it to me. |
| Do humans, as individuals, have a purpose without religion? Humans, it would seem, have very little purpose as it is. When you look at them individual we look even more purposeless. I mean, can you honestly think of reason to have lawyers if there is no one for them to defend? Or an icecream man with no parents of children telling their children they can't get icecream? When it comes to human life, we need each other. We are a very social animal and everyone relies on others in some way or another. Some people rely a bit less on others, such as video game programmers. Others rely far too much on their peers (the "mooch"). But chances are, at some point or another every human will come in contact with another human, and when they do encounter each other one of them is almost garunteed (99 times out of 100) to ask the other for something. Most of this contact occurs in the college years, and mostly in bars, and usually the question is "what's your sign?". The important thing to remember when talking to other human beings is that they have feelings and ideas in their complicated brains just like you do, and if the person is more attractive than you the thoughts will be something along the lines of "not NEARLY drunk enough". Sorry, it's human nature. I think this is why one of the only things the catholic religion doesn't denounce is alcohol, but that's just my opinion. This seamlessly brings us into the topic of religion, which completely changes everything I've just said. For you see, human's are purposeless as individuals until they get a religion, at which point they are told that they are special, loved, and very much as important as anyone else. This is when people don't need others anymore and they join convents and monastaries. Here they will remain solitary and celibate until they finally die and can be happy. See, the thing about humans is, and here I quote Scott Adams, "they eat, sleep, and hope they don't die...unless they find religion...then they eat, sleep, and look foward to dying." As true today as it was when it was written. Now, with no other humans I could get away with that sentence fragmant, but as there are grammar sticklers everywhere I will probably be harassed a few times about it. Gee, I sure am glad we aren't indivduals. -_- -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy, Ya know... they call 'em "fingers" but i've never seen 'em "fing." Discuss. Fighting for the underdog since 1989, Taylor Dear Taylor, Fingers is one those words that give a mental image or a certain feeling, but do not actually mean what they say or accomplish what the promise. Another example of this is the long-used word "diet". Diets are a fun addition to any house hold, but they are especially fun in a stupid house hold. Look, I'm not going to point fingers and anybody, but a lot of people are morons. They see deals on TV and pop ups that promise you can "lose 20 pounds in one week!", or "enhance your...portfolio!". The truth is, though, that advertisements use gimmicks to make their product sound better than it is. One such gimmick is known on the streets as "lying". Companies use "lies" to create false hope for fat people mostly. It doesn't even have to be a fat person! They target everyone less attractive or in-shape as the person on the ad. In the case of some products, this technique targets pretty much everyone. Other products (that Gazelle leaper mc-dealy) have butt-ugly psycho maniac fellows. This advertisement's gimmick is pity. They could care less if you use their workout equiptment, they just know you'll buy one to get this hideous jerk off the TV. This isn't the first time we've seen someone pay large sums of money to boot someone off the TV. Why, I believe Homer Simpson did that once. But I digress. After all, what kind of loser would bring the Simpsons into a question and answer column? Taking the sure bet since 1919, -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy, Please tell us about something you have done. -Tommy ^_^ Dear Tommy, I would be HAPPY to tell you about things without having to answer a question! So, choosing randomly from a hat, I will decide upon and write upon a topic of most important importance to all who can read. The topic for today is: cooking. Millions of eons ago, if the church is wrong, neanderthal man walked the earth in search of a better way to eat the food that he captured. He tried all the old tricks; bashing it, smashing it, adding paprika to it, and telling people it will let them lose weight. He did all this with little success, and repeatedly was nagged by the missus to get off his lazy, prehistoric read-end and invent something. Of course not all of the neanderthal women nagged. Some were unconscience. The point is, the man was finally poked and prodded into making food better, and he did this by (and this will seem odd) placing the meat onto hot rocks. What possessed anyone to place what they would soon eat onto an unclean surface like a rock is beyond me... they must've had better antibiotics back then. Anywho, with the dawning of cooking many new inventions rapidly began filling the caves such as skewers, plates, colanders, cheese graters, and more rocks. See, in the past all that existed were rocks and meat ridden animals, so they made do. Cooking continued to improve and grow into what it is today: a disaster waiting to happen. Even though you may not be fully aware of it, cooking is the most dangerous thing anyone can ever do. There are more ways to kill or maim yourself while cooking then there are while in a lion's den and while flying a pesticide airplane put together. And what's far more frightening is that cooking occurs all the time!! Despite the obvious dangers of cooking, at some point in his life, every teenage boy will be forced (by reasons unknown, or unpredictable) to cook for himself. Chances are, when the person gets to the cupboard, it will be bear of all things that he will want to eat, and he will be forced to make something that requires more steps than his usual "Place in microwave, heat on high for 2 minutes, eat....ok, now take the stupid wrapper out of your mouth you moron and throw it away...ok, now eat.......*sigh* go get your fork from the trash....idiot.". I was forced into this situation this very day! Well, it won't be this very day when you're reading this so I guess it was a few days ago? Or maybe a while ago now? Um...let's see...carry the 2....yeah...So, I was forced into this situation on August 1, 2004, when my mom was out of town and I had grown tired of eating fast food and gold fish. Not the live ones mind you, but the delicious Pepridge Farm's baked Goldfish snack food. Of course when I began looking for something to eat I could find nothing but incredibly old little chicken things and some sort of baked vegetable. Well actually, there was one more thing I saw. Spaghetti. Oh those delicious noodles and that savory white-sauce! How I could devour you right now! So I took that out only to discover that it was naught but a meal of noodles that had developed white hair in its old age. So that was a no-go. However, at this point the taste of noodles was in my bloodstream, and I knew my fate involved making some sort of pasta.... I went to the pantry and got out some rigattoni. Not quite spaghetti, but it was close enough. My sister had used the normal sized pot for some stupid meal (it left little white hard specks of something powdery stuck to the pot (???)), so I was forced to use a behemoth of a pot. We're talking the kind of pot that you would use to cook a Thanksgiving turkey in. That is to say if you cooked turkeys in a pot...do you? So, from the get-go I was going oversized, and here I would like to give a word of warning: PASTA...GETS...BIGGER. Seriously, I knew it would expand, but I figured that 30 noodles would be just enough for me. Well, to cut a long story short; three burns, a sweaty hand, 20 pounds of pasta, and a small house fire later, I ate my meal. And it was good, for I created it with my own hands. Next time I think I'll just make a hot dog. With ketchup. We have a lot of ketchup in my house. As I was looking through my house I found some sort of ketchup graveyard. I think we got one bottle a year ago and put it in our fridge, and we've been using it ever since then, but we get ketchup every so often anyway and just shove it down in a bottom drawer. I found 3 normal bottles of Heinz ketchup and one GIANT bottle of Heinz ketchup. Meh. Maybe I should just stick to answering questions...otherwise I ramble. -Tommy x_x |
| Dear Tommy, Imagine an empty room with no windows. Symply a box with a light source. You and John are both confined to this room. John and yourself are both confined to this room armed with only your voice boxes. Neither is allowed to physically harm the other. Who's head explodes first? Takin' it to the limit since 1994, Taylor Dear Taylor, This is indeed a good question. There are a few things about it that make me toss and turn in my decision about who would win (for ease's sake we'll refer to the person who's head does not explode as the winner.) Actually, to make it sound more like a punishment, we'll just refer to the person whose head explodes as "the loser", and the winner will be refered to from here on as "Tommy". The way I see this happening is like this: With the loser and Tommy both in this room they each have certain advantages. First of all, Tommy, living in a basement and constantly on a computer, is used to being in a room lit only by a box with a light source (often a computer monitor). On this same note though, the loser also hangs out in a basement on a computer a lot, but he also has windows that do not have shades, so he gets some natural light, weakening him. An advantage of the loser, however, is his ability to scream very high pitched and sound uber-pissed....like a raptor! While this by itself would ensure the loser's victory, unfortunately for him Tommy has a smaller head to start with. Therefore, all the screaming in the world is no use against nature's cruel course which has placed a plump-ed head upon the loser's shoulders at the beginning. Basically the judges deemed Tommy the winner as soon as the competition started simply due to a lack of understanding for those who are differently-abled. In the end though, everyone realizes that the loser is a winner about and within himself, for he showed the world that even the obtuse headed people can do the same things as other people. Except wear turtle necks. Which ironically was the runner-up prize for the loser...he has no problem fitting into it now. Balancing carefully on the edge since 2001, -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy, I have a few questions for you today such as: Why must my brothers be such dorks/losers, is this the same with all younger siblings?, Why is product placement in movies more pervilent now than 10 years ago?, Why do girl's like accents? and why dont i have the accent that my relatives have?, ps. one more, Why must school come so soon? from obadiah Dear obadiah, Dude, you don't have to put P.S. unless...meh nevermind. To answer your questions in a timely manner, I will answer them in whatever order I think will speed up the answering the most, and I will answer multiple questions with single answers, so you'll have to sort it all out. The answers are: Earthly position (Orbitz), they suck. -Tommy ^_^ |
| SPOILER WARNING! Dear Tommy, I know you have recently played the excellent new game Peasant's Quest. I am sure you have completed it by now and discovered that Trogdor is undefeatable. Do you think this was a good outcome to the game, or a disappointment? -Emmy Sue Dear Emmy Sue, What on Earth are you talking about? I totally defeated Trogdor! You must not have gotten a 150/150 for your score. Cause that's the only way to beat him. Heh heh, I'm just yanking your proverbial chain. I don't think it was a disappointment that Trogdor burninated me. It had been my life's goal to be burned up by a giant wingaling dragon. Not to mention, if Trogdor was killed then the peasant population would totally overthrow the normies. Trogdor is like our own little revolution disperser. Er...big revolution disperser. By 'big' I don't mean a big revolution, I mean the dragon is big. But I'm not saying the revolutions are small, they're more regular sized. Not that Trogdor couldn't disperse a big revolution, he just takes care of them before they can escalate. Acidicly, Trogdor is big and could handle anything, and peasants should be killed in due time, especially those who throw babies. -Tommy ^_^ |
| dear tommy, i got an email today offering to help "eliminate bills the christian way" will you explain to me how that works? Dear Whoever, This email is called "junk mail". It is called thus because it lies to you. A mail that lies is junk mail...or Bill Clinton. Ha ha ha, that was just a bit of humor. See, the I played on the similar sounding words "mail" and "male". Ha ha ha ha ha ha....hoo....So this particular piece of junk mail is lying to you in a number of ways. First off, you no doubt have no bills whatsoever because you are a teenager. "But Tommy, how do you know I'm a teenager?" you may be asking. Simple, you use email and dont use capitals, stop interrupting. The other reason the email is lying is that there is no way to eliminate bills the Christian way. At least no way that I know of. You can burn them, move and change your name, steal money to pay them off, or hold your hands over your ears and mutter until they go away. The Bible specifically mentions three of these as mortal sins (thou shalt not moveth and changeth thine name to avoid bills), and the other one is just too fun to not be a sin (thou shalt not burneth for fun, pal). Oh I suppose you could get a job, but with jobs come bills. So ipso facto, you didn't do bubkus. To sum up: Bill was a lying male, lying mail says no bills, no bills means no Bill (lying male), no lying mail says no no bills, Bill doing no-no's made Bill a lying male. I wish it could be a different way, but I'm afraid that's just the way it has to be. I'm also afraid that the Clintons may sue me. But not that scared. Anyway, now I shall let this email fizzle out with no "haha" feel-good closure. Like that. Or that. Or that................or that. -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Readers, Just a quick story to show you how amazingly strange the world is. Last week I purchased new shoes because the pair I was wearing had managed to evolve hands and was writing complaint letters about holes and whatnot. I decided to get new socks to go with my new shoes because, hey, why not? I purchases 8 pairs in a little plastic baggy. When I got home, it occured to me that this was no ordinary baggy. The baggy was resealable. It had a zip-loc. What on Earth? Being impatient, I began to pull at the sides of the bag in an effort to pull a hole in the thin plastic. As I did this though, I thought began cropping in my head. My brain told me, "Hold on there sonny boy jimbo pete. Don't you think there might be some reason that they put the effort into including zip-locs on their bags?" I seem to have gotten the message because I stopped pulling at it and carefully pulled the perforated first defense plastic seal. After this I spent 5 minutes trying to open the zip-loc which apparently was put there to keep out morons who want to reseal their socks, and people with short fingernails. Either way, it was hard because it wasn't a brand name zip-loc bag that I could fill with pudding and dangle above Mr. Jone's head and then take it down and easily undo the seal with one quick motion. No, no, this was a generic sock-brand zip-loc bag, which means that it requires sweat and blood to open it. When I finally managed to pry the bag open, I removed a pair and put them on...not a bad fit I might add. So now that I had opened the socks, with any other bag I would dump the rest into a drawer for later use, but something...something...evil was now picking away at my brain, which hurts. It said "Hey Tommy, wait a second! You totally forgot to reseal your socks! If you don't seal up your socks, they could get wet, or lost, or broken." So now I had to reseal the stupid sock bag. This task was doubly hard than opening it, because the thin plastic above the seal kept trying to get into the bag to steal my socks or something, and it kept blocking the seal from closing. Well, I am proud to say that a few minutes ago I FINALLY got it closed...just after using the last pair of socks. -Tommy -_-" |
| Dear Andrew, My name is Tommy, and I am a huge fan of yours. From the moment I heard Hum Along I felt that it would make for a great flash movie. Recently I started talking with my friends about my newly acquired dream to make this epic song into an equally epic flash movie. Of course my dream was quickly sprayed down to size when one of the more "level-headed" of my friends decided to point out that there are these so-called "laws" and "copyrights", and I could go to "prison". These were words he used. The words I used in response are inappropriate for this letter. SO, the point of my rambling basically comes down to my asking Ludo's permission to use Hum Along in a non-profit, non-commercial, non-parodic flash movie of olympic proportions! Basically my intentions are to make the movie no matter what, but if I don't get permission to use the song I'll just hide the movie in the depths of my computer and whip it out on holidays and when I'm feeling blue to cheer me up. I don't think there's anything illegal about that...but I'm no lawyer. If I DO manage to get your permission, the most I plan to do is submit the movie to www.albinoblacksheep.com and www.newgrounds.com where it would be scrutinized by the best mouse-clicking, 'net'-surfing, basement-dwellers on this great Earth. Oh, and of course I would put it on my website (www.geocities.com/Pizhotman). To sum up, I'm placing my flash movie's future into your band's noble hands, should I be given the go-ahead I will begin work immediately and slave for hours on end, using nothing but mountain dew and your music to keep me going. Should my dream be denied, I shall slave for hours to make the movie anyway, but I will remove the song from the background and simply...hum along. -Tommy ^_^ |
| The following is a copy of a letter I'm considering sending to Andrew Volpe (lead singer of Ludo (owner's of Hum Along)) to ask permission to use Hum Along in my flash movie. |
| Dear Tommy, what's the funniest joke you've ever heard and why do you like it so much? -NickiP Dear NickiP, The best joke I've ever heard goes like this: Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom says to the other one, "I've lost an electron! The 2nd atom replies, "Are you sure?" 1st atom says, "I'm positive." Ha ha ha. Isn't that great?? See, the joke is that an electron has a negative charge, so when the atom loses one it becomes positively charged! HO ho ho ho. HO HO ho ho ho..HO....ho. That joke rocks my socks off, 'cause it's just so simple. Anyone who has a lesser degree in chemistry could think that up and understand it and find it funny. Anyway, I wish I could go into more depth on the humor of wit, but I have homework coming out my wazoo (which is not very comfortable), so I am going to cut this short. See ya St. Louie! -Tommy ^_^ |
| what is the wazzo is it your but? f.a. f.a.?....fat...arse? Yeah that works. Dear Fat Arse, The wazoo, as you so intelligently spelled "wazzo" is, indeed, a slang word referring to one's rear-nether region. I feel using conjunctions to describe where homework is coming out of makes for a confusing conversation, so I use nouns. Either way, I still have homework coming out of my or, so I'm going to leave this at that and call it a day. -Tommy ^_^ |
| It would certainly be nice if I could answer questions as fast as I think up answers for them, but since typing slows me down I end up growing bored and tired of it. As of right now I have a TON I want to say, but I don't think I can get it all done. |
| Dear Tommy- what is the speed of light? (ppl in honors physics prepare to already know the answer! dum dum dum!) -Syd, the one, the only... Dear ToTo, Aw... it almost saddens me that you'd think I would give a canned answer to any question. Especially a science question! I'd think people would know by now that I never give the answer they'd expect. That being said, I'll now get on with the question and we can all move up in our understanding of the universe, life, and the way I answer things. The speed of light was originally determined in Switzerland by a French scientist named...well...Dr. Livingston I presume.. The name and location and place of birth of the scientist really doesn't matter. What does matter is the method and the outcome that he used to find the speed of light. He started with a flashlight (which in his day (1851) was actually just a candel and a toilet paper tube) and had someone turn it on while he stood atop a mountain in a neighboring, country; namely, Germany. He then counted mississippi's until he saw the light. The final result? We never did know, because on his way back he was captured by Nazis and force fed schniztel until he became senseless and acquired amnesia. The next year the Nazis moved up from picking on nerds to picking on smaller countries..it really should've been seen as a precursor to the whole World Wars thing. Since then the speed of light has been recalculated and determined to be something like 3 times 10 to the 19th power. The actual number really doesn't matter, the point is that light is really stinkin' fast. -Tommy ^_^ |
| dear tommy, what do you think about [the act of begetting]? ~dr. drew Dear...dr. drew, I seriously doubt your title of doctor. What did you get on your MCATs? What's your PhD in? What are you doing asking a teenager who runs a website about the act of sexual intercourse?? ARE YOU SICK!? ARE YOU MAD?! WHAT ARE YOU!?!?!?!? Tune in next week for answers to these questions and more on....Tommy Says. -Tommy ^_^ |
| What happened to Beanie Babies ~KUSH~ Dear Kush, Ah yes...Beanie Babies...such a sad toy...such a sad story... If you don't mind listening to an old man tell a tale of mournful suffering and saddness, then please gather 'round. A few decades ago, Beanie Babies were everywhere. They had a strong population, and were at the top of their respective food chain. Soon though, a combination of over-population and habitat destruction led to the eventual downfall of the Beanie Babie's once strong reign. They now are on both the endangered species list and the most delicious animals list (mmm beans), making some rude rivalries occur between differing groups such as PETA and EAT-A. Perhaps someday the Beanie Babies will run wild and free again, and the laughter of children collecting and eating them will be heard once more. My name is Tommy, and this little baby Beanie Baby is one of the last of its species. But for just a dollar a day, just ONE dollar each day (and twice on days containing S's or I's) you can help to save this poor creature's life. Please find it in your heart to save a life, and send me money right now. I'm Tommy Pizzini...save a life....send money... -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy ^_^, how come everyone comes to me for advice in relationships when i have never had one? Ok, once and for all, here's the deal about relationships. People want them, or so they think. People need them, or so they think! People enjoy them, or so they think! There's a running theme in this response by the way. Guess it for a prize. Moving on. See, people get into relationships and immediately learn that they aren't exactly what they were expecting. They become confused about things because they thought something was going to happen, and then it doesn't, or their new partner turns out to be the same sex or some weird stuff like that comes to pass leaving everyone upset and freaking out. Where do they turn? Well, to the only source of unbridled fantasy and wishful thinking that they can find -- YOU! It's not that they couldn't get advice from someone else, it's that they realize they'll get the beautiful, sunset by the beach, kissing in the rain, boombox over the head answer that they want to hear from someone who doesn't know better than to realize that it doesn't work like that. Here's my advice for you: take advantage of them while you can. Convince them that giving you money or stuff will make their relationship better, they'll be ready to try anything if they're resorting to someone who's never had a relationship before. This could turn out to be a very profitable experience for you. Cherish it. Hold it tight. Buy it a rose on your anniversary. Basically, replace a relationship with money. You'll be much happier, or so you think! -Tommy ^_^ |
| Are you ready for this? |
| Why? -God Dear God, Well...it was cold and heard they were edible...I know, I know, this doesn't excuse my actions, but I'm sure a nice virgin Indian sacrifice will ease Your mood. On an completely unrelated note, does anyone know Kush's phone number? -Tommy PS: Kush, you know I mean no hate <3 ... I love India |
| What is the differenct between ketchup and catsup? ~KUSH Dear Kush, Ku-hu-hu-hush! Heh heh...how nice of you to drop by...Oh. The last question? No, that's nothing. Pay it no heed. To answer your question. In the late 1980's, William Howard Ketch went a-drinkin' with his pals. He ended up having a little bit too much and was praising the porcelean god for a few hours after. His friends, being of sound body and mind and in no way drunk, decided it would be a good idea to shut off the water to the bathroom. A few minutes later William (or Billy the Boozehound as his aquantances and parents called him) came out of the bathroom freaking out because his "deity" wouldn't "accept" his "sacrifice". Being of sound body and mind and in no way drunk, his friends decided to go in and check out the damage. After a few hours of laughing while rolling around they finally came to the conclusion that Billy had more than thrown up, but surpassed that realm and created his own, which they called "Ketch-up". They all thought this was hilarious, but Billy became angry and vowed with hand upon the toilet he loved so much that he would eventually redeem the name of Ketch-up to mean something good. Ketch began working with different vegetables, thinking that jam and pumpkin pie was good, so vegetable paste must be good too. After a few unsuccessful attempts including a celery paste, a cauliflower puree, and a radish sauce, he decided that vegetables suck in amorphous-solid form and decided to try less vegetable-like vegetable, or a less fruit-like fruit. His final choice? The tomato of course. In 1988 it was often debated as to whether the tomato was a fruit and vegetable. Today, of course, we know it to be a Feldspar, a rare breed of tree-dwelling rodents. Anyway, by smashing the tomato and smearing it on different things he decided it was good enough to be sold and patended the idea as Ketch-up. During the patenting phase the hyphen was lost in a fluke keyboard explosion and the end result was ketchup. Catsup is the same stuff, just called something different. -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy, I have a troubling situation and a few questions that need to be handled by an expert... How long can a person be exposed to the "Woj's" class without losing his sanity... and has the "Woj" factor affected me yet? I only seek the truth... ~The Moyboy Dear Moyboy, Haha, how long you ask? Record times have reached 42 days, but only by the strongest willed. Last year the longest anyone went before losing his sanity was 23 days, and it's debated as to the validity of this figure. Being your second year in her class I garuntee that you've been affected already. People who don't think they've been affected generally are affected almost imediately and just don't realize it until they meet a resilient person who are very rare. Some say that the legendary Tony Chen was never fully affected by "the Woj", but The Guiness Book of World Records (GBWR) insists that no record can be entered unless the person eventually does go insane. Therefore, Tony's score is still void until he loses it. Hope I helped. -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy, Why dont you answer my questions? -Freshman Aaron Dear FA, -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy, What is the most frustrating thing about High School and how do you propose to change that? - Tom Scarborough Dear Tom, I've always been a great hater of the traffic. I've already thrown around the idea of solving this by tagging Freshman and the slow-walkers/stop-and-talkers with GPS tracking devices. By creating a computerized representation of the school and imposing the position, speed, and acceleration of every person in a particular area we can determine what is causing the hold up. Haven't you ever noticed that you'll be at a complete standstill and then pass one point and suddenly be completely free to move about as you wish? It is my intention to determine what jack-be-nimbles are doing this to the hallways. My hypothesis? THOSE FREAKIN' MORONS THAT STOP TO TALK TO PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF CROWDED HALLWAYS AND/OR GRAB HANDS WITH PEOPLE GOING THE OTHER WAY AND ALLOW THEMSELVES TO BE PULLED BACK 3 FEET! ARE YOU GUYS NOT AWARE YOU'RE DESTROYING THE WORK ETHIC OF THE SCHOOL!? YOU SINGLE HANDEDLY ARE SETTING BACK THE ADVANCEMENT OF HUMANITY BY 20 YEARS AT LEAST! An alternative solution involves tranquilizers and a complicated system of pulleys, and I'm not too sure it's legal, so I'll keep it to myself until my lawyer gets back to me. -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy, I have decided that I have no idea where I should go to college. I wanted to just stop my schooling altogether and go work in a box factory, but my parents said something about disowning me if I don't get a "higher education." I'm very lazy though and don't feel like choosing a school for myself. So I ask you Tommy, where should I go to college? Thus I put the fate of the next four years of my life in your hands. -John Dear John, I won't tell you where to go specifically, but I'll help you choose a school. First, decide if you want to go to a "University of.." or a "...U". This helps narrow things down a lot. The big difference between these two types is that "...U" schools have the possibilty of spelling out something cool like "SPYU", "PU", or "IMPROMPTU". "University of.." schools can only be "UM" or "UG", and any school with those initials is probably for writers or future mimes anyway, so if I were you I'd stick with "...U" schools, but hey, I'm not you. After you decide to go to a "...U" school the only decision you need to make is what state you want to go to school in. To help you a bit I'll eliminate some states that you definately WON'T want to go to school in. These include (but are not limited to): Alabama, Alaska, Georgia, Virginia (West or regular), Wyoming, Rhode Island, Louisiana, any Dakota, Texas, and Missouri. Avoid these states, they all smell bad. There ya go. That should help you out a bit. Be sure to talk to your counseler for a supplementary list of states to remove from your options. Good luck! -Tommy ^_^ PS: If states can sue individuals that aren't residents, then please don't sue me AB, AL, WV, V, WY, RH, LO, SDA, WDA, NDA, TX, or MIRI. Thanks! |
| Dearest tommy, Do UFO's exist? Dear Somebody, This reminds me of that horribly boring book-on-tape (which I assume is based of a movie) that is called "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause". The basic idea was that a horribly boring British guy would lie to some little girl who had an honest to goodness question about Santa. Why did he lie to her? I don't know, British people are weird. Anyway. Of course UFO's exist! However, they are usually found in forms that you're not used to. You see, the word UFO actually is an acronym meaning "Unidentified Flying Object". When thought of in these terms, it's hardly a question at all as to whether or not they exist. The problem is that many people have become accustomed to hearing UFO's referred to in the same context as an "Alien's 'Examination of Interplanetary Organisms' UFO", also acronymable. But the point I'm intending to make is that unidentified objects are always flying around all of the hizzy trying to bop people in the head or explode or just run out of batteries long before expected and soon become and Unidentified Falling Object or "UFO". These items usually are bought off the TV and paid for by college kids with brand new credit cards. It is hardly a shock anymore to see, just below Girls Gone Wild, the "Amazing-Hover-Disk-3-Piece-Set-and-Construction-Manual-for-only-$19.99-or-two-easy-payments-of-$12.39-but-if-you-order-right-now-you-get-our-magic-blow-pen-20-piece-set-which-we-claim-is-a-$30.00-value-for-absolutely-free-which-of-course-makes-no-sense-to-you-or-me-but-you-have-a-new-credit-card-and-want-to-try-it-out-so-are-you-gonna-call-this-number-or-aren't-ya?" It's no surprise that the majority of UFO's are linked to college kids in some way. It was the college kid after all who originally coined the phrase. He was hit with stuffed chimp and his friends asked what on earth that was he screamed "it wasn't from earth! it was some freaking Ugly [Freaking]....Orangutan!" (A side note, according this British lady I saw on TV, orangutan isn't actually pronounced OR-RANG-GOO-TANG (mmmm tang (IT'S A KICK - IN A GLASS!)), but rather it's pronounced OR-RAHN-GOO-TAHN....British people are weird) He began saving time by calling it a UFO and with lawsuits and whatnot it eventually came to mean Unidentified Flying Object. So basically to sum up: British people are weird, UFO, AEIOU, acronymable up the hizzy, Girls Gone Wild, 30 dollar value, flying or-rahn-goo-tahns, lawsuits, sum up, and Yes, Somebody, there are UFO's. -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear tommy, tell us about tapper Dear whoever, Sit back folks, and I'll tell you the tale that preludes the introduction of the most recent character in the Pizzini's lives. A few months ago my family was sitting around like normal Americans watching reality TV and eating snack food purchased at their local Walmart Super Center while pledging to an American flag and bearing arms. Basically doing everything we are allowed to do. When my father walked into the scene and told us all that he had found an adorable little animal at his warehouse hiding under some crates and that he was gonna capture it and bring it home to us, we were all pretty excited. Two days later, just like he promised he brought home the furry little darling. We loved it instantly. We would spend hours petting it and hugging it and feeding it whistling at it to come to us. Little did we know, the animal was not a dog, but rather a different mammal which has yet to be scientifically named, but is currently referred to by its pet name, "cat". This "cat" was not quite like a dog in that it didn't bark, wag its tail, eat the dog food we gave it, or show any obdience at all. We were fine with this. Then my dad realized he didn't want a cat and decided to get rid of it. He did. We freaked. There was screaming and yelling and throwing of things and destruction and all sorts of pain on everyone's parts, and finally Dad decided that we would get a dog instead so we would shut up. So he ordered a little Havanese from some people in Kansas or one of those other less-useful midwestern states which end in "s". We got a good deal on him because he was defected. For more details look up "undescended testicles in male Havanese breeding dogs and its impact on America, the Stock Market, and future generations of Havaneseseses". I'm sure you can find it on Google. So the fam ran off to Kansas city (one of them) and picked up the pup. They then drove like 40 hours back to Edwardsville and proceeded to pamper the dog to death. So we buried him in a little shoe box. We were out back putting the box in the ground when suddenly we hear a tapping. We pulled the box up and took off the lid to discover that the dog was alive! We didn't know this when we got him, but it seems that dogs sleep too (go figure). Because of his adorable method of keeping himself of alive, we decided to name him Tapper and have loved him ever since despite his not being potty trained and inability to speak or do calculus. -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy, Is it possible to be your mom and your sister at the same time? -Your Mom Dear Mother, Is there something you're trying to tell me? I've read stories in the newspaper about situations like this, but they usually occur in states that end in -ucky's or -essee's or -ew Jersey's (key word: ew). I'm hoping that this is a hypothetical question, but as evidenced by Jerry Springer these things seem to be happening more and more frequently. After all, it is possible for such a relationship to come into being, but in order for it to work you'd have to..... >_< ...ok, well that's enough embarrassing topic discussion for this week! But be sure to tune in to Tommy Says next week when we'll explore the magical world of body hair! -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy- Will you please explain to me how a guy's mind works? - Confused Girl Dear Confused One, Sparing the large technical look at the way brains work, I will simply delve into a psychoanalytic elucidation comprised of giganta....normous.....ific words that no one will understand but yours truly. In fact, as long as I'm making it anticomprehensadible, I may as well write it in pseudo Spanish. We all understand that. Right? Let's hope so, it's used by a greater volume per square cubit of people than regular Spanish and French combined! For those of you who are less-versed in the language, a good rule of thumb is to drop the ending 'o' or 'a' and try saying it out loud. If that doesn't work, rearrange and add letters. Now then, the man's mind. Soo, el m-aye-ndo of thee m-aye-no es muyo, muyo complicateda. Los studyos en el Sola Universidad De Spain (SUDS) show-a that mas of the tiempo, el macho thinko-s aboot el sex (in Spain this is pronounced Saaaaaayyyx, and it is considered rude to take less than 8 seconds holding the a's. Go ahead and practice now (loudly). Don't forget to roll your R's). Ifo el sexio beasto no es thinkoing (read; "think- �OING!" watch your accentos) abouta la sexa (el sex con las mujeres solamente), he-o es thinkoing (accentos!) abouta howa to-o geto largo sum-as de dinero (comprendes "dinero"? of course you do, everyone speaks THAT language). I hope that clears things up a bit. And I hope everyone appreciates how hard it was to write in a different language. They have different grammar rules and everything! I mean.... look at this: "beasto no es". No es? What kind of word orderOING is that? |
| Just as a quick mini update, I wanted to share a bit of long-developed knowledge about the nature of breakfast cereals. Don't scoff, you're more likely to encounter cereal than most of the other things I rant about in my responses (relationships, college, and the surprizingly common topic of Spanish speakers). So bear with me, grab your spoon, pour a nice bowl of Lucky Charms and indulge in my experiences so that you might not have to live through them yourselves. Anyone with a family like mine knows that the most important meal of the day is breakfast. It's that wonderful little break in your fast where you get to move another step closer to leaving for the day. And if your family is like mine, then your breakfast consists of cold, non-sugar? cereals with skim milk. This isn't too bad when all things are considered, but a major issue arises when you reach the bottom of the cereal box. We've all been there. You reach into your pantry or cupboard or cereal drawer (or if you're lucky you get to spin one of those crazy corner cabinets) and you reach in to grab a box of cereal, only to discover it weighs the equivalent to the last piece of gum you spit out carelessly onto the sidewalk (-_- tsk). When you feel a mass like this, you automatically know to just put the box back and move on to a different brand, because no one wants to eat the crummy crumbs that collect at the bottom of the bag. Eventually though, you do this with every box, and reach the point that my house is at perpetually (we have two different flavors of Life cereal, a box of Honey Bunches of Oats, and a weird health cereal which are all essentially empty right now).This point is a sort of limbo. The kids refuse to eat the gross crushed up flakes, and use excuses like "it wouldn't even make a full bowl". Meanwhile, the mothers of the family are either; A) Morally obligated to insist that the cereal be finished before any more is bought, or B) Completely unaware of the cereal status due to their eating Belgian waffles after the kids have left for school. I strongly believe the latter case. This power struggle goes on for awhile until, we hope, the child finally grows up (in a moral sense), picks that box up, opens up the bag, and dutifully pours the cereal into their waiting trash can. If this doesn't happen, the problem usually gets solved when the father overcomes extreme hunger and eats one of those franken-cereals where he just pours all the crumbs at the bottom into one bowl and somehow manages to eat it. There, I'm done. You guys can thank me later for writing about something that happens all the time... unless this only happens in my family... Regardless, I'll answer questions in due time. I just had to get this crumb of experience out of the bag. |
| Dear Tommy, I was just wondering, do people not send you questions anymore or are you just too busy to answer them all? Also, on a totally unrelated topic, who do you want to win the Superbowl this year? -Em Dear Em, The truth of the matter is, (and this is highly uncommon for me, I know) I have been procrastinating. I have 5 or more questions which need answering, and although I'm sure the world is dying to know "why women have boobs -freshman aaron", I'm afraid that extreme laziness has taken its grasp on me. However, I have decided to take the time to answer this question mainly because it hits on a topic that I'm sure everyone is wondering about, but also because it asks a question which must be answered before the Superbowl. I suppose the best way to get a question answered quickly is to ask one which must be answered before something dire happens. An example of an easily delayed question is one I got from my furthest away reader, John. He writes: "Tell me everything which has happened since I left Edwardsville." Considering stuff is still happening, this question can easily be thrown into the "I'm getting to it" barrel without having to rationalize my excuse too much. Another reason I took the time to answer this particular email is due to the fact that it is my first that I have gotten through my new account. So let this be my official message to everyone who reads my answers: I got a new email address, [email protected]. Now... I know it will be hard to remember. But just think of it like this. Take hotmail, remove the h and replace it with an r, then take away the t and replace it with an n, then replace the o with an a. Now take the ranmail and rearrange it to make marnail. Here it gets easy, just take the marn out and put in a gem. Then get rid of the e. See? Easy as pie. All emails should be sent there, but no worries the thing at the bottom of the page still works correctly. Thanks readers. More answers to come when I get to them. -Tommy ^_^ PS: I want the 49ers to win the Superbowl, but that's just not in the cards now is it?.... Thanks for bringing up a touchy subject.... -_- |
| Why do women have boobs? (tia told me to ask you) -F.A. F.A., Whatthe..... wha....!! I thought I dealt with you already! Need I quote: " Dear Tommy, Why dont you answer my questions? -Freshman Aaron Dear FA, -Tommy ^_^" ? And blaming your unacceptable question on gentle Tia to boot! For shame F.A.... for shame. -Tommy -_- |
| Tell me everything that has happened since I have moved... hahaha, it can't be that much. -John D Dear John D, Well obviously a ton and a half has happened since you left dreary old Edwardsville. Here's a quick recap of the major events, as there is no time to go over all the minute ones. 1) New year, new decade, new century, new millinium. 2) Approx. 439 mountain dews. 3) We had this bomb threat that a freshman called in and then smashed his cell phone in the hopes he'd get away with it... heh heh silly freshman. 4) This 5) aaaannnd... a couple of years worth of school. Those are the important things. All the rest can be found in my book for the low low price of $29.95 if bought within the next 20 minutes or in a state which does not contain the letter 's', the word 'new', or any city ending in a vowel...... shut up, of course the book exists.... j-... just shut up... -Tommy ^_^ |
| What is the difference between a geek and a nerd? -Chris D. (John D's brother) Dear Chris, A geek is someone who reads this website and sends in questions. ... ... A nerd is a geek's brother. -Tommy ^_^ PS: OOOOOooooo FACE! |
| As a quick side note, I realized after writing the previous response that I should probably stop isolating and degrading my readers and question askers, as I am beginning to sink them into depression. |
| As a quick side note, I realized after writing the previous side note that I could probably make a market for inspirational anti-depressing quotes which I could sell to the very readers I depress. Therefore, let the degrading recommence! |
| How come you don't have a section of your site devoted to the wonderful genius of Mr. Price and his spectatular qoutes? from a student of Mr. Prices Hon Rocks class Dear Student, Oh...... I'm.... I'm terribly sorry... I didn't realize that my TWO HUMOR PAGES weren't enough for you. Very well, if the "people" demand quotes from Mr. Price, I suppose I have no choice but to give them quotes from Mr. Price. Here's my favorite: "You take a picture of your hand and it kinda has a glow around it... an aura. Kinda like the life force.... LIKE YODA!". Or maybe "Hypothermia is SUCH a good thing." Or of course the classic self-defining, "I ramble along... yeah, I ramble a lot... then I break stuff." There ya go. I hope that my Price quote will help you get a feeling of what it's like to be in Mr. Price's class so that we all can experi....... wait.... rewind. dniwer...tiaw irepxe nac lla ew taajaljkfdsfsdfdfdfdfdfddfdfd ffdf PLAY. "a student of Mr. Prices Hon Rocks class" WHAT?! Wait a minute.... you mean you're IN his class?? And you want me to make a seperate page to quote a man you listen to for 55 minutes every weekday?! Student, you are truly off your rocker... (get it? rock..er) : ( Indeed. I'm done -Tommy ^_^ |
| What fun things should I do over spring break and what do you plan to do? -Nicole Dear Nicole, This is more like it. No requests... no stupid questions... just a nice honest inquiry about what I want to do. Well, I plan to spend the week home alone thanks to my parents running off to some convention. They seem to want to leave me in New Orleans with my Grandma which would stink cause then I couldn't answer all my homes's great questions about why firecrackers work and why women have boobs. My first day of spring break would be spend sleeping in and probably playing poker or something in the evening. Then computer. The next morning I would sleep in again and then go into work because I'm responsible like that. Then computer. After a full third day of computer I would spend the evening out with my friends playing pool and bowling at SIUE. That evening I would retire with a glass of delicious orange soda and curl up in front of the the warm glowing computer. My fourth.. or fifth.. I've lost track and don't read my own writing, so I'll never know what day I'm on... but the next day I would probably drive around Collinsville picking up the ladeees, cause I'm cool like that. Then computer. Finally I would spend whatever time is left planning on my world domination, playing Jumanji, and bungee jumping from my roof. At least.. that's what my parents think I'll be doing, hence their demand I go to New Orleans. I don't hope to go there, but if I do I'll be eating crawfish and laying out in the grass soaking up the beautiful southern fire-ant venom while screaming and bloating. Thanks again for the selfless question, I hope you figure out something as fun to do this Spring Break! -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy, What the hell is wrong with all of my friends? -A friend >.< Dear Friend, Well... for one, they're your friends. Ew. And second of all, they're probably going through tough times with ... whoa.. I used three 'T' words in a row! That's amazing! their lives or something. We all have problems and we all need time to think about.. NEAT I did it again... and I'm seriously not trying to... the (AGAIN!?) things (4!!) that (OMG 5) we have done in our past and what we will .. NOW W's!! do in the future. Don't worry about your friends, I'm sure they'll all meet fitting ends. (AND NOW A RHYME?! I am on FIRE!) -Tommy ^_^ |
| Need some direction in your life? Call 1-800-233-0928 to order Tommy Pizzini's "Inspirational, Anti-depressionatioinal Quote Book" for a mere $39.99 + tax. You deserve more than you have, and this book will give it to you. |
| Why do girls buy a dress for formal occasions (Prom, Wedding, ect.), use it once, and never even consider wearing it again? Furthermore, why is it that guys, realizing that a suit is just a suit, could wear the same tuxedo for any formal occasion, yet choose to rent one rather than buy one? Please explain the logic behind all of this. -John Dear John, For the first time in Tommy Says history I consulted someone else on this matter after hearing of it. After a long heated debate followed by snacks on the veranda, I determined that A) the person I'm arguing with is the only male in the world to own a tux, and B) apparently so is his dad. I will disregard this person as an oddball, loony crazy-pants and assume that all men rent and all girls buy. But, (to quote my little sisters and their friends) "y????????????????????//? " I have a feeling that girls like to own their dresses because they might be a more cleanly gender than we males are. This comes into play when you consider that men don't mind eating off the floor..... of a bathroom........ at a truck station, and women are rarely found doing worse than eating off the stomach of some Barvarian guy. With this natural desire for cleanliness, it is no surprise that girls don't want to be wearing a dress that some sort of gross, semi-conscious, soon-to-be-bride-to-soon-be-divorced-bride-sitting-alone-in-Vegas (who is (by the way) a man) wore on his wedding day the previous night. By purchasing their dresses, women lower the risk of this occurance occurring by almost 42 and a half percent. Men wouldn't mind this guy wearing the tux their renting so long as it was sprayed with some sort of deodorant afterwards. And if they got a good deal on it they could do without the deodorant. So that takes care of why girls buy, but now for the harder part. Why do girls never where the dresses they just shelled out hundreds of dollars for ever again? I'm tired, and this seriously is blowing my fragile little mind right now, so I'm gonna come back it. Stay tuned for my next installment of this answer, later this week. -Tommy ^_^ |
| Quick unhelpful conclusion! I don't know why girls do what they do. Why do people always ask me about gender differences. I've only been one gender my whole life... I suggest a trip to a New York bar may further your understanding than asking an 18 year old male. Good luck John. Moving on. |
| Dear Tommy, What are some of your favorite bands/musical artists? Why? -Em Dear Em, I could not help but notice that the question you sent is in the "school essay" format, meaning that it asks a simple question which anyone could answer easily, but then follows it with a "why" making it twice or even three times harder. I'm gonna answer this using "an Essay Answering Technique According to Joe Swinkler". The first step is to write a list of the answers to the first question. Ludo, most of the artists that play on 89.9, and (according to my current playlist) some band named Unknown Artist. Oh, and Floggin' Molly, which doesn't exactly fit in any of those three previos categories. The second step in the EATATJOES process is to explain the reason for your answer to the first question. Seems simple, but in practice it is about as easy as integrating an e^x squared function without having a 2x in the original function! Go ahead and try it. We'll see how it works out. Back to the bands. I like Ludo because it is necessary by Federal Law to like bands that you've skipped school to see. Even if the government wasn't forcing me to like them, the positive reinforcement from missing school and receiving ear blaring music and drinking the band-provided free soda on the quad of SIUE with a few good friends and that one kid who graduated last year and has really long hair now and liked to call us "nerds" just plain makes you want to like the band. As for the 89.9 bands, I like how a lot of them sound, but every so often you get some one speak-rapping or "sprapping" something about "weapons of mass destruction." Your music is a weapon of mass destruction... of ears....... jerk. Floggin' Molly is simply the best. No reason needed. Anyone disagreeing may type a letter of complaint to Floggin' Molly. I'm sure they'll appreciate it. I think that Ludo, 89.9, Unknown Artists, and Floggin' Molly are really good books, and I would recommend them to anyone. -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy, This is a multi-part question, but covers one subject matter; bear with me. Firstly, what are your views on cryogenics? If you had the opportunity, would you buy the cryogenically frozen ear of the great Ted Williams? What would you do with it, were you to fork over the millions of dollars required to outbid the psychotic baseball fans of the great Northeast? Hoping for a 'Tommy Says' revival, Taylor Dear Taylor, I will be answering your question backwards. By this I don't mean my response will be backwards, quite the other way around in fact, I will be answering as though your question by reading it from bottom to top. Just to change things up! Let's go! First off, my name is Tommy, not Taylor. Generally the person being addressed is put first, not your name. I'll let it go. Well Taylor, you can just go ahead and stop being hopeful, cause Tommy Says is officially reviven! And it shall begin it's re-beginning with none other than your very question! And that question is..... .....stupid. "the great Northeast?" What sort of question is that?? It doesn't even have a verb. I assume you simply mistyped it and inteded to say "the Northeast great?" which is a far more answerable question. The answer of course is: "Some parts". I refuse to mention the name of any states which drag down the greatness of America's top hat. On a side note, did you notice that the football team got NEW JERSEYs? They're much nicer than those RHODE ISLANDs that they got rid of. Also New Hampshire. Moving on. If I bought Ted Williams for millions of dollars I would probably drive around with him a little. We'd go bowling, and people would comment on his hair. After a nice dinner at Arby's I'd take him home to watch 'Whose Line'. It'd be fun, but we would eventually realize that we just aren't meant to be, mostly due to the fact that I'm not entirely certain who Ted Williams is, but also because he's a man. Not just any kind of man: a man who sells himself. That's just not kosher. Speaking of kosher, the question of cryogenics is certainly a pickle! Ha ha!! Why... why, I expect answering that would require you to avoid DILLy-dallying!! Just the thought has me GREEN in the face! Hoo hoo hoo.... It's a cool concept. Freeze something, come back a while later and unfreeze it. I could make a killing by inventing a ziploc bag big enough to fit a human in. You know, to prevent freezer burn. And yes, if I had the chance I would buy the frozen ear of the Great. Any Great. Katherine... Alexander... Eric.... But I doubt I will ever be given the chance. Let's take this mama home! Yes, I noticed it was multi-part, but it clearly spans many different subjects. You lie Taylor, you lie. -Tommy |
| Dear Tommy, Last year, we seniors were given the PSAE, a test which evaluates the performance of the entire school. As you know, these tests are looked upon only to evaluate Edwardsville High School, and only in very special cases do they reflect on the individuals who took them. The majority of we seniors, as selfless and caring as we are, realized the importance of helping to support our fantastic school and tried as hard as we could to do well on the test so that our school might gain funding for all of its wonderful programs. We were self-motivated and displayed our pride of EHS. This year, however, pride is not enough and self-motivation is non-existent. The juniors have demanded extrinsic motivation, threatening to lower their test scores if they don't get it. In exchange for exceeding in one or more categories, they require bribes such as free parking spots, exemptions from finals, and not one, but TWO free prom tickets. This seems ridiculous and unnecessary, and yet, the school bent to their will, giving them everything they wanted and throwing in some soda and chips to boot. I have several questions regarding this subject: 1) Why have today's youth become so morally corrupt that they must be pampered and bribed rather than willingly helping their own school, which has provided them with education and kept them off the streets? In other words, what's the matter with kids today? 2) Why is so much emphasis placed on one standardized test, so much so that the school must bend over backwards to produce high scores? 3) WHERE ARE MY <rainbow> FREE PROM TICKETS!?!?! Always a loyal preserver and humble supporter of our grand public high school, John Dear John, 1) The problem with kids today can be answered with two simple letters. V and T, not nesessarily in that order. I don't know (or care for that matter) what you think about the amount of TV kids are watching these days, but I feel the number of TV watching hours has gotten ridiculous. They just aren't watching enough. Stay with me. When I was a kid I did nothing but watch TV in the winter. In the summer I had camp to go to, so I had to replay shows in my mind (I actually did this). The problem eventually became that I knew the episodes well enough that my brain's rendition went by in 5 minutes rather than the proper 30 minute interval that TV gives you. Kids don't do any of this though, and that is what's wrong with them. Nowadays all kids want to do is play sports and pick up trash. It's sick! I blame N.H.S. to be honest. N.H.S., or National-sell your soul to the devil for a cHance at college-Society, is an organization developed by George Bush Senior in his early years in office. The purpose was originally to get kids off the street and help out the community. They had a great child hunt where all the little Republicans gathered their nets and took to the street to find those children who would "mend our future". They swooped up the kiddies who went kicking and screaming and getting letters of recommendation, and then they plopped the ickle Juniors down comfortably into a state of terror. They informed the kids that they could not leave until they had helped 10 people. They had to change this stance later as there was a group of nerds who set up a silly humor column website and claimed it helped people see the lighter side of life. The Republicans didn't buy it. In what can be described as a "brilliant stroke of genius by George Bush" (George Bush, 1993 State of the Union), N.H.S. changed the policy to force kids to do a certain number of hours of community service instead. Their first activity was cleaning streets, which is where the kids wanted to be in the first place. This resulted in a couple of... escapes. "The man" freaked. Moving on. This desire to do good deeds in order to appear appealing to colleges became overwhelming. They became obsessed with "volunteering" with "no rewards", but deep down "inside" they knew that they were getting a good deal on college later, so they did it expecting the ultimate reward in the end. Needless to say this made them greedy. Suddenly everything they did required payment of some sort. Which brings me back to TV. The Juniors seem to have given up on TV, probably because it is so unrewarding no matter how long you volunteer with it. I haven't done the research yet... but I have a feeling that TV is what keeps people humble. It's the only factor I can see that differs between the current Juniors and we current seniors. That and "rock & roll" music. I don't see this fad going anywhere though, so I don't expect it will be a big factor. Anyway... 2) Oh come now, surely you know how important it is to the school that we all get good grades! They want us to move to good colleges and get good jobs and lead happy lives! After all, teaching is the #1 most "vicarious" job. It is a well-known fact that over 30% of people in teaching positions try to live their lives through younger people. This makes our future extremely important to them... but wait... that doesn't sound right at all. If our futures mattered to them they would give us money straight up. They must be being motivated some other way. Care to venture a guess at what is motivating them? Right! TV. No, I kid, it's money... it's always money. We do well, they get money, you mentioned this yourself. Meh, I'm gonna wrap up. 3) You got one for making a couple of movies for prom. I'm not sure if anyone on Student Council got anything out of their working their. You got the good end of this deal I think. They don't go around handing out prom tickets to just any off-the-street smart kid! ..... wait?.... they are next year? -_- Oh what the f- |
| Dear Tommy,
If a whale got into a fight with a jet on the surface of water, who would win? -A Kid at Fencing Dear Kid Who's Name Acronym I Can't Make Fun of Easily, There has been in recent history a large number of questions involving mammals of particularly notable girth and ferocity. Ok, so actually there haven't been that many questions involving said fatties, but then again there haven't been too many questions at all. I guess what I'm trying to say is; I'll answer your question, but under protest. On to the question. This one follows a pretty standard format. First the questioner mentions some sort of object, or noun as it were. Then the questioner throws a verb in there and maybe some of those littler words that go between nouns and verbs. Eventually they put a question mark and I start to write B.S. answers. We've just about reached that portion of this question. Aaannnnnnnd we're there. Whale's have a major advantage over jets in general. For one thing, whales can breathe air AND water. Jets don't breathe at all. That's 2 to 0. Not looking good for the jet, eh? Secondly, whales can sing. Jets can only hum and occasionally shoot missles. Have you ever heard a jet? It sounds like some sort of terrible choir of bad whale singers. I'd say that even the worst whale singer in the whale-world is way more listen-to-able than the best jet-whale-choir in the Earth-world. But don't take my word for it. You can hear the sound yourself. Step 1: Place hand over mouth like you're shocked because someone just passed gas Step 2: Blow through hand to mimic the sound of someone passing gas Step 3: Record this sound using a high-quality zoom microphone into a sound editor using 16 bit mono sound compression and slow it down to exactly half its original speed. Save this file as a .wav and open it in a text editor. The gobbledy gook text you are viewing is a textual representation of the horrible way jets sound. Yeah, it sounds THAT bad. But let's not stop here, whales can take on jets for a lot more reasons than singing which I will segueue into in just a second....... aaaaaaaaannd we're there. Whales, apart from their far superior breathing habits and singing abilities, have the biggest advantage of all over jets: jumping. Have you seen Free Willy? For those of you who haven't, I'll sum it up. Basically some "bad guys" (entrepreneurs) "steal" (buy) a whale for their "death factory" (children's zoo) and try to make him "unhappy" (feed, wash, and more or less cater to its every need). Then a little kid comes to the zoo and gets pissed off for no reason and starts shocking Willly the Whale until he jumps over the fence of the zoo, splashing the kid, the baby goats, and all those other poor little animals, with his defecation-ridden water and lands safely back in the ocean where he will "live happily" (probably be hunted for blubber by "Inuits" (Eskimos)). Do I need to spell it out for you? He fricken' jumped. JUMPED. I couldn't jump a car battery with an instruction manual and a pogo stick and this multi-ton beast of burden is leaping Willy-Nilly all over the hizzy. Boy, I don't even want to mess with that. Whales - 3 Jets - 0 Whales win. -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy,
Since this is the first time i have asked you a question i think i should get two for the price of one. First: Where do babies come from? We all know the story our moms tell us about how all babies come from Brittany, but I want the truth gosh darnet. Second: Where in the fricken world is Carmen San Diego? I just cant find her anywhere. Oh by the way she is not in Emily's bed as of last night so you dont have to check there... Thank you very much for taking time out of your busy schedule to answer my questions. Sincerely your friend, Paul Francis Miley Dear Paul, Oh... I wasn't aware that my readers were allowed to make up their own rules to my little game. You know, normally I wouldn't answer two questions for this very reason, but considering your two are so closely related, I'll make an exception this one time. First question first. Where do babies come from? This is a pretty complex question, so I'm going to employ a little technique I learned in Math called decomposition. This is where we take a hard problem (like int(e^x^2,x,-inf,inf)) and break it down into a simpler problem that we've already solved (like int(int(e^(x^2 + y^2),x,-inf,inf),y,-inf,inf)), thereby solving it by association. The first step is solve a problem so let's get on it. Given: Platypii hatch from eggs. Examining platypii, or "platypusses" as they are more formally called, an observant observer would make the observation that platapusseses...es are not fish. This should be clear. Further inspection reveals that they are not birds, and by a transpositive relation this means they must be mammals. "But Tommy, they have mighty beaks and horns!" Just trust me, they're mammals. We will call this Solution 1. Let's save this for later. Examining babii, or "babypusses", we can determine very quickly they are not fish (have you ever had to get a baby off a hook?), and even faster we can determine they are not birds (um.. let's not go into how I figured that one out), so by the same line of logic we can determine they are mammals. Bringing back Solution 1 (which, for those of you who forgot was something like "Mammals hatch from eggs") we can use our mathematical reasoning to reach the incontrovertible conclusion that babies hatch from eggs. Don't believe me? Go down to the local grocery store and buy a dozen eggs (or "Baby Balls" as I call them) and put them in the microwave for 9 months. If a baby doesn't come out of there I'll eat my hat....and probably some delicious scrambled baby balls. Now for the second question: Where in the fricken world is Carmen San Diego. Let's use the same technique we used last time ok? Given: Santa Ana got his ass kicked at the Alamo.... twice! Examining Santa Ana we come to a startling conclusion. Ana has the same first name as Claus! The reason this seems so startling is only because of your gross ignorance on the subject of so many things, dear reader. Allow me to school you thoroughly. In China, where Santa Ana and Santa Claus are probably from, the first name is not so, and the last also follows this by leading. So, in China, Santa Claus and Santa Ana are actually very close relatives, probably cousins or half-brothers. So it's not so surprising after all! We will call this Solution 1. Examining Carmen San Diego, we find ourselves flummoxed for a second. And by "we" I mean "you" and by "flummoxed" I mean "resorting to asking a humor columnist for the location of a ficticious character". Moving on. The solution is a delicate one, so I will not bore you with the tedious proofs. Carmen is not from China. This means two wonderful things. One, her last name is where a last name belongs; the second and third word in her name. Two, the pronounciation and spelling of her last name is not necessarily the same as those of the Chinese people. The Chinese rendering of her name is Santa Diego-u Carmen-u. Uh oh... what's this we spy? That's right. Bringing back Solution 1, we can expound that Carmen got her ass kicked at the Alamo. So then where is she? Well, she certainly isn't at the Alamo. I'm guessing she went to the North Pole to ice down her buttocks and visit her half-cousin-in-law, Claus. Carmen San Diego is at the North Pole. Q.E.D. -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy,
Do you have any advice on how to get a summer job that isn't flipping hamburgers at McDonalds and/or Steak n Shake? -Emily Dear Emily, You bring up a very difficult topic which everyone has to deal with eventually: Would I rather work at McDonalds or Steak n Shake? Yes, I'm afraid that in the end it all boils down to this single decision in life. Arches or Checkers? Gold or Black and White? Baseball cap or adorable little white paper hat? The sad truth is that most high school/college students/Russian immigrants work at a fast food restaraunt and this puts the odds against you. I'm afraid that you'll probably end up at some crappy, spatuala-requiring job (no offense to spatula salesmen (and yes, I said salesMEN, not salespeople. It's not that I mean disrespect toward women, it's just that I took a census of spatula sellers and they all unanimously agreed that they were all men.)). So how would you go about getting one of these jobs? I would recommend going on a job hunt. Whoa there sparky! Put down the gun and the fatigues, it's not that kind of hunt. A "job hunt" is defined by Webster's Online Dictionary as: "The word you've entered isn't in the dictionary. Click on a spelling suggestion below or try again using the search box to the right", but laymen (unanimous again) would better recognize the description of "searching about one's hometowm for, or asking one's parents if they know of anyone who could give them a job." The basic principles behind job hunting are easy to master. The principal principle is called "lowering one's standards". Everyone wants to be an fireperson or a policeperson or a astroperson, but let's face it, you can't. As soon as you realize this, you can start settling for lesser jobs. Economics says that every job is equally bad or good as every other job, simply because the good jobs get overcrowded, thereby decreasing wages. Economics also says that tariffs are bad, but we still have them, so equivically, there are still crappy jobs. And THESE, dear reader, are the ones that you will end up having. They don't pay well. They don't treat you well. They don't even acknowledge that you're there most of the time. But they exist, and they are your future summer's future. Sorry. Ok. Are your standards nice and low? Then we can move onto the next principle of job hunting; finding these horrible jobs. It shouldn't be too hard to do. The easiest way is to go around to establishments and enter their bathrooms. If you seen any of the following while in the bathroom, you know you have a winner. 1) "Employees must wash hands" sign 2) Employee crying, occasionally blowing his nose and immediately washing his hands afterwards. 3) Employee chipping away at the wall with a crudely-made tool in an obvious attempt to tunnel out. Hands? pristene. When you've found a proper location, the only step remaining is to sign away your soul, pick up your spatula, and start flippin'. By August you'll be so sick of this that college exams will look like a biggy juicy cheeseburger (which, incidently, you won't like anymore). Um... looking back at the actual question.... I suppose my actual answer would have to be "No". Happy hunting! -Tommy ^_^ |
| Dear Tommy,
Do fat bottomed girls REALLY make the rockin' world go 'round? -Taylor Dear Taylor, Wha' chu talkin' 'bout Willi? For those of you who don't know wha' chu talkin' 'bout Willi either, I'll explain where he's coming from. First off, no, Taylor is not referring to a race of genetically altered females with disproportionately larger bottoms than their bodies living beneath the earth's surface in a gyroscopic control room. Nor is referring to a new diet/excercise program where the aforementioned "Magnus Solum"'s use large hamster wheels to maintain Earth's circular momentum. No, no, Taylor is bringing up a very interesting question originally answered by the famed band "Queen" in their song "Fat Bottomed Girls" in the "1970's". Since Queen has already given an answer, the real question is now: "Were they right?". Now, normally I would go into a huge physical explanation of what actually causes the world to turn about on its axis, but a certain unmentionable person seems to think that my answers are too "complex". I'll let you take it up with her. Following is the unmentionable person's contact information: Facebook id: 26003803 Facebook domain: umw Facebook url: http://umw.facebook.com/profile.php?id=26003803 .... Lazy? It's Emily Fornof. So if you want an actual answer to this question, post away on her wall; I'll be watching. -Tommy ^_^ |
| uhh what do i do if a guy doesnt like me..am i too fat..too ugly?? hmm idk or am i too much of a tom boy?? Well plz write back...K well bye!!
Sincerely, dont know what to do -_- Is it so damn hard to put a "Dear Tommy," at the start? I take time out of my busy busy day to write these things. I try to please as many people as I can while still bashing a fair amount of others, and this is the thanks I get?? I guess it's my fault really. A long time ago I tried to decide if I should call this thingy "Dear Tommy", but decided that would be too close to "Dear Abby" or "Dear Melba" or "Dear" anything for that matter. So instead I was like "Dude, what if like, I made it 'Tommy Says'?" and Dude was all like, "Killer". WELL NOW LOOK AT ME! I'm getting half grammar'd, half spelled, half serious questions with twice as many question marks than they need. And that's another thing: WHY DO PEOPLE ASK ME SERIOUS QUESTIONS?! When have I ever given any actual sound advice? Look, I'm really flattered that so-and-so did this-or-that to anonymously-signing-sender........... heh heh that spells ass..... ANYWAY. I'm really flattered that you think that I have some sort of genius answer to your generic relationship question, but I don't! I never do! I'm sorry. This is getting harsh. Erm.... hey there little girl...... um.... want a lol-ly pop? Bah. -Tommy ^_^ P.S. In reference to the "too fat..too ugly" schtick: A) Thanks for using the word "too". B) See "Fat Bottomed Girls" by "Queen" C) Beauty is only as deep as my answers. |
| Dear Tommy,
Is it possible to make parallel lines out of a conic by slicing it with a plane? If it is possible HOW THE [edited for content] [edited for content] [edited for content] CAN IT BE DONE? Dear Person-I'm-about-to-rant-about, As if the last question wasn't stereotypically bad enough, now I get another question from my old friend, "Anonymous". Sigh, at least he put a Dear Tommy at the start. BUT! I really like that you took the time to write little blocks where you edited your own question..... instead of.... you know... just editing it. Saved me some time. Anyway, let's move on to the question. Conics are silly things. Look at them from the top and all you see is a circle. Look at them from the side and you see two triangles. Look at them with your eyes crossed and you can see 4 triangles and your own nose! But try as you might, no matter how long you look and ponder and hope and dream, you will never find a pair of parallel lines on a conic. It is certainly possible to "achieve a pair a parallel lines" by taking one of the basic conic equations and finding a degenerate form of it. At least, that's what the internet told me when I asked it. Then it told me I may have already won and that my unique browser ID (number 230592285098104 (but don't tell anyone)) had been randomly selected and I could collect my free mPod by clicking the banner. I don't actually know how helpful it is to take a degenerate case of a parabola, but that's how you do it. What's a degenerate case? Allow me to divulge. Let's see.... how to put this? Erm..... Ok. Remember back in the early 2000's or maybe even a bit earlier when Brittany Spears was still hot? Well, let's pretend that Brittany's hotness was defined by the function 1/(5 - x). Everything's fine for the first 5 years, but once x = 5 the denominator of the function is 0 and this causes an error on my calculator. I assume that has something to do with degeneration. Of course, after that the functions starts working again. This is called regeneration and some mutants can do it really well. This makes them prime targets for liquid metal injections though, so I don't envy them. But then again, I don't envy anyone who hasn't won a sweet-ass mPod recently. -Tommy ^_^ |
| April 22, 2006 |
| May 3, 2006 |
| Dear Tommy,
You're walking through a dark dungeon, one so devoid of light that you can barely see your hands in front of your face. You turn a corner to suddenly find yourself face to face with a giant dungeon troll. This is a level 13 troll with a spiked club that does +10 attack damage, while you are merely a level 3 human with no armor to protect you. All that you have with you is a small stick you've been carrying around for awhile for no apparent reason and a vile of potion given to you by an old irate wizard that when consumed changes the color of your toenails to a rather bland shade of magenta. You are also wearing a tunic made of goat's hair and a hat with a feather in it because you think it makes you look cool. He demands that you give him your lunch money, and says that if you don't, he will be quite upset. You realize that you don't have any lunch money, you can't outrun him, and that by "I'll be quite upset" he means "I'm going to beat you to a horribly bloody and painful death." What do you do? The bloody mess on the wall next to you because I insulted the troll's mother, -John Dear John, .... what the book? I'll be honest, I stopped reading around "bloody and painful death". I'm gonna shorten your question to something more readable-in-a-fricken'-lifetime. How about: "Dear Tommy, I have a nerd problem which I can't nerd my way out of. What do I do? -Nerd" Dear Nerd, First off, thank you for the short, concise, and brief question worded without repetition, repeats, or redundancy. 20 points to Gryffindor and a hearty pat on the back for you! Hmm... a nerd problem eh? I gotta tell you, I don't have too much experience in the nerd area having been a stud most of my life. I do, however, think I can help you in some way at least. Chances are you problem involves some sort of...maybe... troll? Level 12.... no! 13 I'd say. Heck you probably can't get past him and only have a useless potion and a small stick. The easiest solution I can come up with is to bore him to death. Trolls take a pretty hard beating, so you'll need something reallllly long and reallly detail-rich. I would recommend using the recent publication by a chap named John. Meh. -Tommy ^_^ -Tommy ^_^ |
| July 02, 2006 |
| Dearest Tommy,
I was pondering what ever happened to being the "bigger person" taking the moral high ground. I do, but I find that it often goes unnoticed. This leads me to a second question: what are your thoughts on karma?? I figured I'd ask you first, but heck if all else fails I could join the mob... ;) Love - cdosz (there are too many caitlin's mucking about to just say caitlin) Dearest cdosz, I would venture to say that nothing has happened to the act of being the bigger person, and not because I don't feel like humanity has taken a splendid plummet away from moral righteousness, but rather because of the simple and logical fact that out of two people, one of them has to be the bigger person. Both people could be higher up on that moral high ground than Ghandi with a hot air balloon, but it won't matter because (in a literal sense) one of them has to be more morally high than the other. Equivalently, they could both be as low-down and scum-bucket-dwelling as Ghandi in a scum bucket, but one of them has to be (even if it's just a little bit) the "bigger person". I'm guessing that this question was intended to be taken in the sense of "why is the bigger person sometimes so much bigger than the scum-bucket?" Well, I just don't know. But the logical fact remains that no matter what, one person has to be bigger than the other, and it's their duty to stay the bigger person or get even bigger until they get so big that they collapse in on themselves like a black hole and start sucking up all the matter and light around them. The best thing for the big person to do is let themself get bigger no matter how big the gap between them and the other person is. Hopefully the little person will try to follow in suit and get bigger too until even the lowest person is spitting on Ghandi from above. Question 2) Karma will kick your ass if you make it. -Tommy ^_^ |
