What's a butfor?
- Mike
Dear Mike,
"For pooping silly" is of course the answer you were looking for. Now, in general the point of these Q&A things are to get answers to questions you don't already know the answer to. For instance: Can Jesus microwave a bean burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it? This is a great question, which I pray to the great burrito heating Jesus that no one asks me due to it's difficulty to answer.
-Tommy ^_^
In the epic battle between the Blob (mutant who can not be moved once his feet are set) and the Juggernaut (mutant who can not be stopped once he is in motion) who would win?
~TAYLOR~
Dear TAYLOR,
Hmm... this is truly a difficult question. I propose we delve deeper into the the two fighters before deciding on a winner. First, the Blob. You say he can not be moved once his feet are set. Can he "unset" his feet after setting them? The Juggernaut has no verb involved with his "super power" other than "can" with the qualifier "not". Therefore it is to be determined that once this guy begins moving there is no antiverb he can do to stop moving. So let's say that the Blob decides to set up his feet and here comes the Juggernaut running straight at him. hmm...actually with a name like "Blob" I'm going to assume he's gelatanous, so I'm gonna stop rambling and just assume that Juggernaut goes barrling through the Blob off into outerspace or something, and the Blob proceded to unset his feet and go home the winner.
-Tommy ^_^
P.S. If the Blob is not gelatinous, then the Juggernaut would most likely explode into tiny Juggernitos (which should be a snack food's name) and they would proceed to barrel into space, so the Blob wins, hands down.
Where you going to college at?
-23*3=69
Wherever it is, it will be somewhere were prepositions are not found at the end of sentences. Like Lewis & Clark's Learning Center. Motto: "Highschool drunkenness?? That's what college is for!"
-Tommy ^_^
Who would win in a battle to the death between Carrot Top and Steve Urkel?
-John
Dear Jonno,
Ok, no more of these questions. Everyone got that? Ok then. Steve and Carrot huh? First off, good question. Both hated by many, and internationally known as geeks and weaklings, I assume the battle would ensue as thus: Carrot Top tries to tell a joke, smashed in face by Urkel with a self-made rocket which blows the roof off Mr. Winslow's house. Urkel says "Did I do that?". Carrot Top hits Urkel with a payphone, Urkel is unconscience. Carrot Top uses glasses and does a stupid immitation of Urkel. Urkel recovers and sets Carrot Top's overly hair sprayed hair on fire. Carrot Top burns to death whilst screaming "I WILL ALWAYS LIVE ON THROUGH MY HUMOR!" He is instantly forgotten and an audience member shoots Urkel. So there ya go John-put-me-on-the-spot.
-Tommy ^_^
Can you list 5 situations where it's very important to be heavily influenced by alcohol to produce a positive outcome? Beneath each situation listed, please write at least one sentence explaining why.
~Taylor~
Dear Taylor,
Well, I'm gonna to say first off, that being heavily influenced by alcohol while anywhere but in the safety of your own home is never going to have a positive outcome if you aren't of legal age. Simply put, cops love to hide in bushes and wait for situations like the following to develope, so they can swoop down with Miranda Rights and handcuffs and beatsticks and begin liberally applying force to people who are already lying flat on the face. Now for the situations:
1) Love of your life is marrying a complete dick.
Reason: Everyone knows that the best time to tell someone you love them is when your BAC is in the double digits, and most likely (if life is ANYTHING like movies) this girl will realize she's loved you all along also, and this is all thanks to your uninhibited screaming of "You can't marry him! He's a...a....BAD guy. And...and...I love yooo *passes out*" If nothing else you'll postpone the wedding while people make sure you aren't dead and the cops pull you away for public drunkenness (and for some reason indecent exposure).
2) Bar Fight
Reason: This is a no-brainer. While intoxicated your blood becomes extra strong and anything hitting you will merely bounce off without hurting. This is due to a phenomenon known as "Drunken Stupidity", called so because you actually do get hurt, you just can't feel it. This does give you an advantage because you can fight longer, although you probably won't land any punches. The whole point here is that you can tell your friends who are laughing at you that it wasn't your fault because you were drunk off your ass. They'll probably say something stupid and sarcastic like "After that fight you were drunk and ON your ass!"
3) Puking contest
Reason: I hope this one is self-explanatory.
4) On a boat on rough seas
Reason: Recently on my cruise I discovered that there were two major things on cruise ships: drunk people, and food. The food has nothing to do with this, but the drunk people do. Now, occasionally while chugging (pun intended) along the boat will hit a rough patch of sea and begin tossing the passengers here and there. Well, the boat would rock back and forth and cause normal people to stumble around and crash into things (usually food). However, drunk people walked just fine. This is why so many people get drunk on boats. They just want to walk straight so they can get to the edge to throw up from "sea-sickness".
5) Writing hilarious responses to dumb questions
Reason: Alcohol makes you witty, it's just a fact. Actually, I don't drink unless I'm on international waters, but I have a feeling it'd make these responses much funnier.... and their blood extra strong.
-Tommy ^_^
My boyfriend and I... oh wait!!! I mean what do you think of the school dress code?
~Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Allow me to begin by thanking you for being the first person to actually have a "Dear Tommy," header, all the others I have been adding in myself. Now then, the school dress code. That's that thing that makes girls not where the hot things right? Yeah, I can see where the school might not want people causing distractions by being hot or half nude, but there are ways around the distractions. For instance, people (girls) could walk around with barely anything on if they desired, but when they entered the classroom they would have to slip ponchos over their over-exposed bodies. But as soon as class ends the ponchos can (and should) come off and all should be as it should be. On the other hand, guys should have to wear clothing that shows no more than what they would be willing to see of Richard Simmons. After all, everyone knows that girls are into guys for their immense brain capacity and witty humor, not what they look like. So this leads to my next idea: GPA based parking. Survival of the smartest I always say, and this should apply to things like parking spots as well as hunting buffalo and whatnot. The smart people should get to park way close to the school so they can get to class and study faster. Meanwhile, the spor...err..stupid people can hang out in the back and do what they do. I think I'll run that by the administration right after I get a law passed to force Richard Simmons to cover up.
-Tommy ^_^
Which NFL (National Football League) team would you favor to win the Stanley Cup? And no, I am not retarded; football teams compete in World Series, not the Stanley Cup Finals. Everyone knows that.
-John
Dear John,
Ah! I'm glad someone has finally asked a sports question. My favorite topics to write on tend to be the ones that I know the least about. Football, for those of you who do not know, is a game. It involves large men (and in Samwise's case, little men) running around a feild and trying to clobber each other while tossing a ball back and forth. This is the definition as we know it today. In the past, before football players recieved endorsements and spoke on TV shows about foot odor, the point of the game was just to clobber each other (the ball was added in 1924). Since then the game has become one of America's most loved pasttimes, second only to going to war. Around the mid '50's the game split up into two divisions; the NFL (National Football League) and the AFL (American�Football League). Eventually, the acronym AFL was bought out by what is now known as "America's Funniest Lawyers" (I'm serious) Anyway, none of this has anything to do with the question, I just thought I should share some background information. As of now there are thirty-two teams (this number may be wrong, it was acquired by counting the number of little icons I saw at NFL.com) Of these teams only four or five ring a bell in my mind, so due to a complete lack of knowledge about the actual teams, I will base my answer off the team's name. I'll start by eliminating any obvious losers: The Bills, Dolphins, Patriots, Bengals, Ravens, Browns, Steelers, Texans, Colts, Broncos, Unicorns, Chiefs (killed by Cowboys), Raiders, Jaguars, Chargers, Cowboys (killed by Redskins), Redskins (killed by Smallpox), Eagles, Bears, Lions, Packers, Vikings, Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers, Cardinals, Rams, 49ers, and the Seahawks. This was a very scientific elimination by the way (all animals, small things, and human things were goneski.) "But Tommy, who does this leave?" you may ask. Well I'll tell you who it leaves. It leaves the Jets, Titans, Giants, and the Saints. So...according to my own rules, all I have to do is choose the coolest team and they are who I favor to win the kick-to-the-crotch cushioner known as the Stanley Cup. Well, while God is all powerful, I don't think He'd want to get involved in such a trivial thing as this, so the Saints are crushed. So are the Jets though, because the Titans have EMP breath. Now it's between Giants and Titans, which I don't really know of any difference, so I'm just going to flip a coin here.......and it's heads....and that means nothing. Ok, heads is Giants, tails is Titans. Flipping again. It's heads. On second thought, I don't like the name "Giants", so the Titans win.
-Tommy ^_^
P.S. If you're upset because you're favorite team is on the losers list, just click this button.
In your personal opinion what do you think it takes for a person to go to heaven?
~Sarah
Dear Sarah,
I know a lot of people out there who have the potential of getting very upset at anything I say about this, so I'm gonna keep this as general as possible. First off, I don't like the thought of one correct religion. There may be only one, there may be many with the right idea, or for all I know there could be none. What I believe is that there is a God, and in my **PERSONAL OPINION** I believe that there was a Son of God who died for us and all that jazz that everyone knows thanks to cable and shows like Whose Line Is It Anyway? So, to get into heaven as I have always been told that you simply have to believe that Jesus is God's son and died for us...BUT I'm not happy about this definition, and therefore my own definition is that anyone can get into heaven if they lead a good life. Accepting Jesus is a huge bump up in the priority queue on the Stairway to Heaven (which is a rocking song), but to think that anyone not of my faith is boned is just wrong in my mind. Same thing with aliens, they can come to heaven too....they just have to bring Led Zepplin cds.
-Tommy ^_^
- Krazy Kamikaze -
Girls don't complicate things. They just make them harder, more compleX, and confusing. Why do they do this? Well, I'm no eXpert, but I have a feeling it's that extra X chromosome. Remember now, I'm no eXpert, but something about X's make things more complicated. Let's take a look at some eXamples. Tic-Tac-Toe for instance is a very simple game when there are no X's involved. Usually it ends up looking like this: O | O | O O | | O | O |
| | or | O | or if the guy's a wise-ass O | | O
| | | | O | O | O
Another eXample is the X-Files. This show tends to be about aliens and it gets very complicated and all this, but as soon as it becomes "Files" it sucks and it's just a business show about people taking folders out of generic metal filing cabinets. The same logic can be applied to X-Men, X-rays/X-the man with X ray eyes, and XBox. So yeah, I have definately proven to myself that girls are complicated due to their chemical make-up. Oh wow! This just in: girls love the term "make-up." Between their chemistry, beauty-enhancers, and relationship mending, girls use this term in more senses than most other words I've ever encountered. So in order to get on a girl's good side, it is my recommendation to pick up girls by either repeatedly say "make-up make-up make-up?" or "XXX?". They're bound to react.
-Tommy ^_^
Where do babies come from?
Dear ,
Well, generally babies are concieved and then born. This is a relatively complex process related in no way to sex. Conception (plural: conceptii) takes place either: A) When a man and woman love each other very much. B) When a soldier is in a foreign country and is leaving the next morning. C) When Jerry Springer runs out of guests. The actual technique used to bring this about is confusing and scientific, which only people with Masters degrees in Physics or Chemistry can accomplish. When it happens though, the woman becomes pregnant and exactly 1 year later the woman impregnates and the child comes into being. Impregnating tends to be a lot of hard work involving lots of paperwork and sometimes physical labor (like rock breaking on a chain gang), which is why mothers often complain about how long they were in labor (or labour for our cultural friends) in order to have their kid. Another option that doesn't involve labor is to have a C-Section which is where the mother watches MASH reruns while the doctors fetch a baby out of the back of the hospital from the "Charity Section" (C-Section). This is the area where people drop off babies that don't fit anymore. Generally C-Section babies ask questions like "where do babies come from" because they were too busy watching MASH to realize where they were coming from. For more information, get started on your path by taking a class in Conceptual Physics.
-Tommy ^_^
01010111011010000111100100100000011001000110111101101110001001110111010000100000
01110111011001010010000000101000010000010110110101100101011100100110100101100011
01100001011011100111001100101001001000000111010101110011011001010010000001110100
01101000011001010010000001000010011010010110111001100001011100100111100100100000
01101111011100100010000001001101011001010111010001110010011010010110001100100000
01010011011110010111001101110100011001010110110101110011001111110000110100001010
000011010000101000101101010101000110000101111001011011000110111101110010
Dear 0101010001100001011110010110110001101111011100100010110000001101
00001010010001100110100101110010011100110111010000111010001000000100100100100000011010000110000101110100 01100101001000000111100101101111011101010010111000100000010100110110010101100011011011110110111001100100 00111010001000000100100101110100001001110111001100100000011000110110000101110101011100110110010100100000 01110100011010000110010101111001001000000110101101101110011011110111011100100000011010010111010000100000 01110111011011110111010101101100011001000110111000100111011101000010000001110011011011110110110001110110 01100101001000000110000101101110011110010111010001101000011010010110111001100111001000000110001001100101 01100011011000010111010101110011011001010010000001110011011011110110110101100101001000000110101001100101 01110010011010110010000001110111011011110111010101101100011001000010000001110011011101000110100101101100 01101100001000000111010001111001011100000110010100100000011100010111010101100101011100110111010001101001 01101111011011100111001100100000011101000110111100100000011101110110010101101100011011000010110101101101 01100101011000010110111001101001011011100110011100100000011100000110010101101111011100000110110001100101 00100000011010010110111000100000011100110110100101101100011011000111100100100000011011110111000001110000 01101111011100110110100101110100011001010010000001101100011000010110111001100111011101010110000101100111 01100101011100110010000001101100011010010110101101100101001000000100110001100001011101000110100101101110 00100000011010010110111001110011011101000110010101100001011001000010111000001101000010100010110101010100 0110111101101101011011010111100100100000010111100101111101011110
P.S. 01?!?!
What do you think is the biggest difference between the way guys think vs. the way girls think? I'm not talking chromosomes, more like...state of mind and why genders view things differently.
-NickiP
Dear NickiP,
What a cool name! NickiP. I'm gonna name my kids NickiP. All of them. Eh, they're gonna hate me anyway. Back to the question though. Guys (males) and girls (females) have always had different views of different things. Nobody knows quite why....except for me. So allow me to share my buckets of knowledge with you, as we journey into the minds of first women, and then men. Now, the biggest difference I can think of between the way we think is the general topics we think about. Women think constantly about...hmm...on thinking into this question I've decided that any humor would be lost upon those it pokes fun at, so I will answer completely seriously. Women think about Orlando Bloom, guys think about sex...and blowing stuff up...OK, so maybe this is a slight exageration that plays off of stereotypes, but the fact is: guys and girls don't think about the same things in the same way. Why though...well thanks for disallowing chromosomes, because now all I can think about is chromosomes being the reason. Hum...something that causes differences in thought...but isn't a chromosome...Wait a minute! Maybe...maybe the only reason we think differently...is because we accept it as an inevitability.......whaaaa.
-Tommy ^_^
Matt
I got 467 on an airplane, but then I bit. Others may have done better depending on the meaning of the word. He'd probably check out my website and drink a bunch of Gatorade. After that I have a feeling He would smite people and do miracles and what-not. Unless becoming one of us removed His powers in which case He would probably just go back to the Gatorade. They were hunted for their furs and delicious ribbette worthy ribs. A "Werefolk Protection" Act was enacted in the early 1800's, but due to the over-hunting in the previous decades the men never made a full recovery. They women may still be found in Russia. The "Any" key can be found on the front of your computer, or on the side of your surge protector, and pressing it is recommended even when you are not asked to. The markers will be returned if you leave a brown paper bag with $200 in small bills in the dumpster (for paper only) behind the High School, come alone.
-Tommy ^_^
when eating a burrito and the bottom gets a hole what should you do
-Justin
Dear Justin,
*Slow applause* Congratulations are in order. I believe that was the worstly, punctuated and grammarly produced question (I think it's a question...due to the lack of question mark) that I have recieved yet. I will overlook this, however, because I know that in the future some poor sap will send an even poorer product and they will be jabbed at verbally also. ANYWAY. Burritos are enjoyable to eat with friends or alone, but no matter what situation you find yourself in, you still run the great risk of experiencing Burrito Holes. Burrito Holes are a great scientific mystery. It is agreed upon that they are caused by collapsing stars, and some believe they can link parts of the Universe that are billions of light years apart*. Also, they make a big mess. The solution to said holes is a simple, yet elegant one. Buy another burrito. When the rolled treat has been delivered, carefully unroll it and throw contents gracefully into the trash (or if you're in a fast food restaurant, on the floor (some jerk-face will have to clean it up)) and use the newly acquired "patch" to create a double layer of sorts around your half eaten snack. If you have been paying attention you will realize that you will be left with about half a floured tortilla. This can be disposed of in the same manner as its previous occupants, or you can wait a few days and use it as paper. Maybe you could use one to practice writing fully punctuated and capitalized sentences?
-Tommy ^_^
* are you taking notes?
Why can some people make some desisions about something without ever having experience in it, while in other instances you don't need to try sometihng to make a desision about it? And how is it not hypocritical??
~Mumbles523
Dear mmbbbll...,
So this may be my first serious answer I've ever given, but as always I will try to keep it light and with a minor comedic undertone. Hum.... well, I guess I should start off saying that there are some things out there that people make decisions about without trying it because to try it would result in, well....bad things. Things like car theft, murder, flicking off priests... you get the point. Basically, one reason people can do this is because of learning from other's mistakes. You see a guy get beat down with a Crucifix and you've learned, "Don't give the pope the bird." You are told from a young age not to kill people and so you don't. And this is not considered hypocritical because it is a social normality that people agree on as being wrong. You can get into a slew of problems when you get down to things that are based on peoples personal values. This usually gets politics and harsh words involved, so I'll leave it at: some people believe different things, and feel they can make safe affirmations based on their values and the way they were raised. Some people may think it's hypocritical to be against something when you haven't tried it, but hypocrisy is more when you say something is wrong, and then you still DO it. Having beliefs and sticking by them is not hypocrisy, it's just....well life I guess. Different from person to person and yadda yadda.....sorry that this wasn't funny or entertaining....maybe if I put a one liner at the end: A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and says "put it on my bill!" Wakka wakka and stuff.
-Tommy ^_^
wHy do, sPANISH teacher's have to; act smart when! they don,t even sp%eak Eglisnh)!
nosaJ
Dear Readers,
I would like to point out real quick, how proud I am of this young man. For those of you who do not know, my little Tommy Says page has swept the nation, and one place that has taken it exceptionally to heart is St. Michael School in New Orleans. There is no doubt in my mind that this young boy has taken substantial time to write and proofread his question to the best of his abilities. I hope we can all learn a lesson of perserverence from his strength. Now for his question:
Dear nosaJ,
Spanish teachers act smart for one reason alone. Money. Here's the lowdown on the Spanish Teacher's Underground Principles of Intelligent-sounding Directions. Basically, they go to bi-monthly meeting and discuss ways to sound smart without actually having to do any work whatsoever. Some modus operandi that they teach include using words that no one has any freaking clue what they mean. Unfortunately, some students are too smart for them and read the around the sentence to determine the meaning. Therefore, to try to sound extra smart, the teacher will say it in a different language (usually Spanish if the teacher is teaching Spanish class). Now, let's assume that the teacher has a small block of students that sits in the corner and makes fun of her...or him...behind her back because they are so much smarter than her. To continue maintaining a strong grip on her superior intelligence, the teacher will use the final, most dreaded techniques. These are: "El Denial de Ownership" and "Claimo you no usey it" The first technique involves the teacher claiming that words you question her about do not actually exist in the language that she speaks. Usually she will try to dump the word off on a similar language: "We do not use that word, that is more of a Spain-ish word". The other method is where, when confused, the teacher will begin waving her hands in the air as if to brush the word or idea aside and say "You will NEVER see this in your life". Two days later it will be on the quiz. Just to give you some acumen.
-Tommy ^_^
I understand that you're a busy fellow and all....but why can't we send you more than one question a week?
~Sarah
PS: I appologize for breaking your rule.
Dear Sarah,
Appology accepted, and I've been thinking about it, and you're right. That rule must go. Especially since my newest plan involves answering daily questions and then on mondays writing a very large response to one lucky question. So from here on out ask as many questions as you like. BUT I warn that if it becomes too difficult to keep up with, I may have to start answering with little answers like "No" and "Yes" or worse, not answering some at all. ALSO, I'd like to point out that Hotmail hates me, and it likes not sending me messages once a certain number are in the question's folder, so if people send too many yours may not be recieved, so if you don't see a response in a due amount of time, send a normal email (not through my website) asking for the status of the question. Ask, and ye shall receive.
-Tommy ^_^
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Dear stupidface,
Tommy. My name is Tommy. The word tommy is a reference to a gun. I have a feeling that this was a well-planned placement of a mispelled header, because you failed to leave your name, so I couldn't respond in a similar fashion, which irks me. Anyway...a little known fact about woodchucks, or groundhogs as the better part of 99 out of 100 people call it, is that they actually can chuck wood. This children's tounge twister came about because the inventor was Swedish and was referring to a blowfish (Swedish name: verd zhuk) which of course can not chuck wood due to their lacking arms or teeth. An court case was raised in Sweden once as to whether or not a toss of wood due to blowfish's inflation could be considered chucking, the case was dismissed due to being a waste of time. So I would like to refine your question into:
"How much wood would a groundhog chuck if it could chuck wood (which it can)?"
Now, as for the groundhog chucking (should be a game) wood around. When discussing things like wood, it is best to clarify your question so as to avoid confusion. You see, by saying "how much" you could mean: what mass at one time, what mass all together, what volume at one time, what volume in its lifespan, etc... I will address the question as though it were asked as:
"What is the largest mass a groundhog would chuck if it could (which it can)?"
Once again, a small problem arises, because just as humans have different strengths from person to person, some groundhogs can lift very heavy chunks of wood, and others can just calculate how much energy the wood would give off if burned. At the same time; would a groundhogs chuck as much wood as it could phyisically manage? This is a big issue. I personally do as little work as needed to get by, so if what if the same is true for groundhogs? The question suddenly becomes:
"Would a groundhog chuck wood if i could (which it can)?"
My response to this is: yes. I derived this answer from the old catch phrase, "busy beavers" which portrays woodland creatures as ambitious and willing to exert effort despite the fact that it's as stupid a job as chucking wood around. "But Tommy!" you may be saying, "Beavers and groundhogs aren't the same thing!" Well my dear stupidface, I would just like to say "AH HA!" Because now you've been shown beyond any shadow of a doubt that calling me tommy is not the same as calling me Tommy. I hope in the future you will be more careful about your spelling and pronounciation. After all, it was Swede's mispronounciation that brought about this stupid question and stupid answer and wasted everyone's time.
-Tommy -_-
Why can't everyone just speak English? We all know it's the best language, so why the struggle against inevitability?
-John
Dear John,
I hope you weren't trying to be pretentious, because I think that will be lost on everyone due to the fact that you are hitting on a subject that everyone agrees on, especially those of French patronage. Why are there so many stupid other languages then? Well, in our universe there is this thing called "entropy" which is a driving need for the universe to be stupid and unordered. This is the gooey yellow stuff that causes water balloons to break when you drop them on people from tall buildings, all the while keeping balloon peices from reforming into a balloon when they are dropped in a similar fashion. At least, this is how I understand entropy. The true concepts surrounding this mystical gel could be completely different then how I comprende it. You see?? I couldn't just say understand it because that would be easy...now I have to wash off this stupid entropy... A struggle to have English installed in every home is taking place however. The basic technique for accomplishing this involves slowly forcing our Western Capitalist Pig Language on those countries which we have adopted as our younger brothers--namely: Canada and Mexico. These two neighboring...neighbors...have taken to English quite well, usually because when they know English they can more easily convince American tourists into buying a crack pipe that they claim is genuinely Mayan, although the tourist saw it at the last port-of-call (A side note: the tourist will have seen it for a cheaper price, but not realize they really really want a crack pipe until they get to the next port and it costs twice as much). This is more true for Mexico than it is for Canada. Canada's story is that he resembles a little brother who is doing his best to be like their older, cooler, smarter big brother, the US. So in summation, everyone will eventually be speaking English, but to force it on them would be pretentious and result in our crack pipes getting put out by globs of entropy. I think that's the point I was trying to make....
-Tommy ^_^
What are the chances of you buying an R/C car?
-Tom Scar
Dear Tom,
I've been doing some calculations since reading your question. I've determined that at current Micro-mobile prices and insurance rates I may be able to squeeze an R/C car into my budget, but due to the current economic state, I wouldn't recommend going out and buying me a pair of gray coveralls with major fastfood chains plastered over it just yet. Of course I will be happy to mooch an occasional joy-ride off of those whom already possess a car, or I might steal Kush's. Who knows? Not I. However, that does not have any significance to the question in question. In fact, I have nothing else to say.
-Tommy ^_^
What the hell is up with the Earth's pending magnetic field flip? Am I going to have to buy a new compass?
~Taylor~
Dear Taylor,
Let's see. There are a lot of big words in there that a few people I know may not be able to decypher. To put briefly what he is trying to say: the Earth's magnetic field might flip, will I be requiring a new compass?
Earth's magnetic field is a result of a swirling mass of liquid metal in the Earth's core. It has a pole in the North called the "North Pole", and a pole in the South called "That Pole That Isn't The North Pole". These poles act like the Sheild Generator on Endor's Moon, creating a force field that in turn creates the Ozone, Gravity, and Tides. This field (called the Magnetic Field) can be measured in intensity using a compass or paperclip. If the compass points to N or the paperclip flies from your hand toward the north (the direction the moss is pointing) then everything is normal. Otherwise, you're either standing backwards or the magnetic field is flipping. Recently the latter has been the case. Is this anything to worry about though?
Well Taylor, let me just tell you this: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! The Northern magnetic pole has always moved, but recently it has hit a new high speed (40 km a year toward the Geometric North Pole (not the same North Pole)) What's more, the magnetic power has been decreasing! It's gone down 10% since the last times scientists let go of their paperclips. This decreasing magnetic field has resulted in holes in the Ozone and irregular tides. At the moment these problems are minute (except in Austrailia where they are being sunburned to tan perfection) and being ignored by people of political and scientific stature. However, as the pole continues to move North, and eventually South, the problems will heighten until the tides are gone, icebergs are melting, Austrailia is a smoldering crater, and World Leaders are blaming Canada (it was their job to keep the Pole in their country). Of course, when you blame Canada for things you tend to get trouble from hockey players and um.....and that's about it..... But if all those hockey guys gang up we're bound to see more trouble than we want to deal with.
To touch on your second question; no, you will not need a new compass. With any luck you won't ever need it, and if things get that bad we're screwed anyway. But if you're still worried just keep some paperclips in your pocket. Just not too many or you may find yourself flung into outer space like so many Juggernitos before you.
-Tommy ^_^
Is it true that if one were to mix soda (a carbonated beverage) and PopRocks (a magical fizzing candy) together within one's mouth, a violent chemical reaction would result causing said person's head to explode?
-John
Dear John,
Poor John....poor, silly, foolish, silly, poor John. Your head is so full of silly myths and urban legends that you can barely withhold them can you? I'm sorry to disillusion you, but no, this is not true. Your head would implode.
PopRocks, made in a Spanish sweatshop called Zeta Espacial SA, gets its name from the sensational "pop" that is created when the small "rocks" are placed in ones mouth. Sode on the other hand, is made in the good old USofA and can be bought on the street or through private dealers. While both items are relatively safe when consumed seperately (there have been occasional reports of deaths by these two products often the result of bouncing them off ceilings into people's heads), when the two are combined, the chemical make-up creates an outstanding effect similar to that of a vacuum that has been clogged up with some stupid sock you didn't see. Like the hose begins contracting and twisting, so do your sinuses. Victims of the PopRock-Soda Experiment have been noted praising the concoction for its ability to clear their sinuses. It's such a shame that moments later their sinuses are right back to being clogged. Oh and they're dead.
The original manufacturers of Pop Rocks were forced to stop selling them after a popular, non-run-of-the-mill little kid decided to try this little game of death out. The boy was Mikey of Life Cereal. When word got out that even famous people with lots of money could be destroyed by this mixture there was an uproar amongst the general public. Moreso, there were lawsuits happening left and right. Life was suing General Foods for killing their poster child. General Foods was counter-suing Life for being morbid and causing nation-wide depression (Lifes new slogan was "He liked it! Poor Mikey...") At the same time there were mothers suing candy stores, kids suing mothers, and candy stores suing kids. This is where the popular decision making game "Mother, Kid, CandyStore" came from (quickly replaced with "Rock, Paper, Scissors" in 1980 when these three items were shown fighting to the death in a mud pit on Little House on the Prarie. I'm not making this up). During all these lawsuits Spain rushed into the company and made off with it. They currently still own it and make Pop Rocks for all to enjoy.
I hope that I've provided enough information here to either clinch your decision to either try this mixture or to not. Before you go out and buy a few bags of these Pop Rocks and a can of cola I'd just like to point out that head implosion isn't nearly as fun as head explosion, so if you want to see something really fun you should try Fizzy Milk and Red Hots.
-Tommy ^_^
How do you feel about tanning beds? Mystic tan? tan in a bottle? I have noticed an increasing amount of people who are unusually dark for the "rightafterwinter" months and I wanted to know how you felt about pasty whiteness vs. changing ethnicities!
-"My legs reflect light"
Dear LegLight,
I honestly don't have any particular feelings toward people being "too white". I'm the whitest white boy on Earth which entitles remaining in a closet and watching Lord of the Rings again and againg until it's burned into your mind, and I'm fine with this. While your legs may reflect light, mine actually generate their own through a physics phenomenon involving ultraviolet light and whatnot, ask about it and I'll tell you how it goes down. Anyway, tan people have been given the rap of being "hot" or whatever, but I personally think that skin color doesn't matter one little bit....unless you go overboard. I can't understand people who tan till they're the anti-light. Anyone who you compare to a former picture of them and think they pulled a reverse Jacko on themselves has gone to far and must be chained to a computer for months until they have returned to their original state. All that said, no matter what you plan to do, I really don't believe in artificial tanning. Good old natural sunlight is good old and natural and I most encourage female tanners to stick with the outdoors so I can...visit.... Actually you need not fear me because I scamper before the light. It burnsss usssss Preciousss.....
-Tommy ^_^
why does the "Be Prepared" song on the Lion King make me so happy?
your maff neighbor,
dev
Dear Dev,
First of all, you are absolutely normal. Everyone likes this song. Everyone. Of course no one likes it better than the hyenas...and the boyscouts. Yes it's true that boyscouts are not usually thought of as ones to overthrow existing governments or anything silly like that, but they still have their rebelious flair which they enjoy exhibiting through song and interpretive dance. I have no doubt that the writer of this song was a boyscout for his entire, fire-building childhood, and is most likely a decrepet old scout leader who the younger members are eyeing cautiously to see when he'll tie his last knot (if you catch my drift) so that they can assume the proverbal throne of scout leaderdom. This is after all what the song is about is it not? You konw, I'm actually pretty surprised how well that tied in, so I'm not going to ruin that awesome ring of logic with additional thoughts. You prolly just like it cause you desire to be a scout leader like everyone else wants to be. Everyone.
-Tommy ^_^
I was going to "ask Marylin" this question (from Parade Magazine), but it seems more convenient to "ask Tommy".
Is there a limit to how loud a sound can be? If so, what would be an example?
Uncle Paul
Dear Uncle Paul,
I am so happy to hear that my opinions have reached adult ears as well as magazine reader's ears. On that note, I have read "Ask Marylin" columns and determined that her answers are incredibly emotional and well thought-out and researched. You're right, I have no idea why she would bother with this. Anything with enough proof bombarded at you will eventually sink into your head as fact. Now, please disregard that as I tell you the TRUTH.
Sound as we all know is anything not eaten, seen, smelled, felt, or heard. Except that last one, it can be that. Sound is often though of as a wave (much like the waves you would see at the ocean or ball parks). The wave goes up and down while it moves foward. Many physists would start complaining here about how the wave actually remains in place and transfers energy blah blah blah. No one cares. For ease sake, let's think about waves moving up and down while moving foward much like a slinky being moved up and down while moving foward. (On a side note, pencils being wiggled up and down in such a way so as to make them appear wavey are merely a trick caused by light waves (which are quite different specimins of waves which biologists still are trying to classify)) There are a few characteristics to this wave. One is wavelength which is how far apart each white-cap of the waves are. Another is frequency which is how many white crests go past a point in one second. Sound also has speed, but all types of sound go the same speed in a vaccum. The important factor in sound waves is amplitude though. Amplitude is how high the wave crests go and this determine volume.
At this point I will now retract everything I have just said and change it all. Sound waves are not the same as other waves because they occur in a different manner. While most waves move up and down like a teeter-totter on a semi (sounds like a fun game) sound waves consist of little packets of air that are compressed being tailgated by packets of uncompressed air. So sound doesn't really go up and down but rather back and forth as it were. Like this: air air air air air air air air air air air. With this model, the sound has no amplitude per se, so everything I told you in the last paragraph is garbage to us now but it doesn't matter because you already read it so learn from this and skip paragraphs at random next time.
Now to seamlessly tie into your question; sound volume is sometimes called intensity which is like light intensity except light is still really weird and should be ignored (trust me). Intensity is related to the amount of energy or "lumens" that you pump through an electromagnet to produce vibrations. These vibrations are what push the air packets much as a professional wrestler pushes his luck by taunting his larger enemy. SO the more power you give the sound the louder it will be. Therefore the maximum volume a sound can be is equal to the total energy in the universe converted to lumens, then to AMUs (air molecule undulations), then to decibles by taking the log of whatever the amus is. Generally this number is conceivable but in the loudest noise ever it would be way up there (maybe infinitely?).
To contradict my previous point: yes, sounds can reach a limit of loudness. For instance, my younger siblings seem to find it entertaining to karaoke (the word is based in Japan and means "empty the room"), and I have found the limit to their music is about any volume and/or 3 or more words into "Hit Me Baby One More Time". I suppose the whole question is relative after all. Not relative like you're my relative, but rather like E=MC^2 kind of Theory style relativity. !!! That's it! The Big Bang! If the Big Bang occured then it would have contained all the energy in the universe and released it one giant packet, which would be the loudest thing ever. Thank God it wasn't a Brittany Spears song.
-Tommy ^_^
Can you please think of a different word for "vagina?" I can't stand the word, and it makes me ashamed to be a woman. Thank you.
Dev's sis, Dionne
Well Dionne,
There are many alternatives to the "V" word that exist as we speak. It may be deemed unnecessary to fabricate an additional new word. For instance, you could use the Spanish word, "vaginao"; the French word, "vaginaeux"; or the original Latin word, "vaginicus". Stop! Before we go any further I need to appoligize for the previous stereotype. Spanish is not just English with an "o" at the end. The word is actually "vagino" because sometimes "o"'s and "a"'s switch. This tends to cause confusion in common words like "Languorous" which are chalk full of "a"'s and "o"'s and a few "u"'s which I'm not all too sure Spanish has at all. Not that it matters, because English words like "languorous" and "unambiguous" use up all the "u"'s anyway. Of course, if English doesn't waste all these "u"'s, the French language most certainly would. Most of their words end in long strings of "u"'s, "e"'s and "x"'s. Why did France at some point decide to adopt the "X" as their national letter? Well, in the early 1400's, while England was attempting to build up their empire and Italy was still making wine the old fashioned way (you know the way I mean), France was very busily working to build up their own economy and empire. King Louis XVIIXIIUM (a "tight-wad") decided to cut costs left and right. One revolutionary idea was to cut ink costs by replacing some of the fancier letters in words (like "w", "l", and "i") with the letter "z". This eventually caused a revolution because the French people did not like referring to their king as "Zouzs" (pronounced Zeus) and that was the cause of the French Revolution.
Did I answer your question? Maybe not the way you wanted. Did I keep this answer clean for young audiences? HELL YEAH!
-Tommy ^_^
PS: Check out all the quotes!
PPS: "U" count: 58
What do you think about building a base on the moon? Who would they send? Do you think they would find alien life, and if so, would they wear goofy uniforms like on "Power Rangers?"
-John
John,
What do I think? What do I think? What DO I think?? Sit back John-San, for I am about to blow your mind with my thinking. Ready? Ok.
I think building a base on the moon is a great idea. The only reason we haven't yet accomplished this is due to the large cost of real-estate on the moon. However, with our current economic situation and houseing prices reaching their all-time low and whatnot I think that NOW is the time to begin our expedition to the moon and begin its colonization. So who will be sent? Well in general in economies like this the types of people who get involved in real estate of any kind (lunar, stellar, or otherwise) are those people who buy a house, fix a minor problem and resell it for twice the price. What does this mean? This means that real estate jobs on Earth will begin opening up like mad as these people make a mad rush for the moon. I don't know about you, but I think I've found my future job. I could buy land in the Arctic!
Back to the moon base though. What was not mentioned was the type of base we would build. Should it be a military base? a resort hotel base? an acid base? I'm leaning toward a resort. I can just see the marketing ploys! "Sun bathe at our lunar resort hotel and you'll instantly be tanner than you ever thought possible!", "Shed pounds without ANY work!!!", "See all the sites of Earth in one easy glance!", "Star gaze...CONSANTLY!" Yes....I see big plans for this resort palace of the moon (patent pending).
Now onto part three of your huge question. Well, I hate to burst your space bubble, but we've actually been to the moon as far as I know, and we didn't find any life other than the occasional singer from that group "Hansen". Scientists are still searching for the origin of THAT life. Oddly enough, the strange lad was indeed wearing a silly "Power Rangers"esque uniform. They managed to get a picture of him before he scurried off into the horizon where he was instantly fried err.....tanned....yeah...tanned....
-Tommy ^_^
What is ratio of two pairs of 1s2s3p3d orbitals consumed in the reaction of methyldipropylethene and Acetic Acid evolving from the creation of 22 chromesomes entering the body at 267 Kelvin and 1.23 atm?
- Hewizzle and ScarBizzle
Dear Hew and Scarb Izzle,
Hmm...ok, the jig is up. I have to come clean. Recently I have been answering questions, and often I use very scientific
methods to prove my point. However, the time has come for me to admit that I am not an all-knowing, all-powerful, super-being
of some sort. I'm actually just a highschool student who does very poorly at chemistry. With all that in mind, I shall now
try to decypher what you just said into layman's terms and then answer it in a like-wise manner. Here we go.
Ok, so you start off saying "what". I assume then that this is some sort of question. Next you say "is". This must be a
verb in this case...and a transitive verb what's more! So "what" is going to be something else!! The next word is "ratio".
That's kind of odd. Usually nouns in this context have an article...no matter, I'll figure it out anyway. "Of two pairs
of"...enough said. "1s2s3p3d orbitals consumed in the reaction of methyldipropylethene and Acetic Acid evolving from the
creation of 22 chromeomes entering the body at 267 Kelvin and 1.23" is the part that makes me go "ick". Fortunately, I
learned in math class that word problems often throw useless, extra information at you to make you mess up. I'm going to
assume this is the case and simply toss that out. "atm"?!? At the moments? Automatic Teller Machines??
Artistic...Tranquilizer......movemen*mumble...* Seeing as the context of the question calls for some sort of noun here, I'm
going to put the Automatic Teller Machine (henceforth referred to as "Big-box-that-has-money-in-it" for simplicity purposes)
in there and solve the problem from that standpoint.
Well I personally can't believe you have the audacity to ask me "What is the ratio of two pairs of "big-box-that-has-money-in-it"s! Everyone knows that the ratio is 1:1. Duh...any highschool student faking intelligence can see and explain that.
-Tommy ^_^
What's the difference between indus and chon?
- Hewizzle and ScarBizzle
Dear Izzles,
Chon tastes better.
-Tommy ^_^
If olive oil is made from squeezing olives, what is baby oil made from?
~Emily to the Bowling
Dear Emily,
From squeezing babies...duh.
However, when have I ever been known to go out on a limb and actually follow one of my fans trains of logic? Yes, I'm afraid that what you're thinking is not anywhere near the way baby oil is actually gotten. See, it's actually made from chicken baste. Now, now, stay with me here everyone. Let me explain:
You squeeze an olive. As result, you acquire a fluid that we call "olive oil". Right? Right. Now let's look at the other side of the equation:
You squeeze a baby. The baby has now been abused and you are a criminal. Nice police men with handcuffs and Miranda rights come to your door and kindly escort you into the back of their car. They police men take you to a holding cell for detainment until your court date arrives, and on arriving you go to court and are sent to jail (you sick, sick person you). Of course everyone knows who else is in jail... Yes, good job, Martha Stewart. What does Martha Stewart do? She is known for cooking things ("the books?") like turkeys, pheasants, giant squid (or calamare (or treet)) or....YES! chickens! Martha is very into putting extra things into her food so that she can comment on them and make people pay her, so I garuntee you every chicken she makes in jail will have chicken baste, which (since she IS after all a criminal) I'm sure she sells on the side as baby-butt-soother. THEREFORE, by squeezing a baby you acquire a fluid that we call "baby oil".
-Tommy to the Tennis..ing.. ^_^
Old Matt and the Sea
Ok. Firstly, you are indeed crazy, trust me on this. That being said...
Finally an old person sends in a question! And a crazy person at that! I've always felt that the writer who would most validate my efforts would be an old, crazy person that talks. It may be wise for me to answer in a manner that a crazily-old and old-school-crazy person. Arr...it be my opinion that the knicker bockers on that broad are dy-no-mite and could possibly be hocked for a big grab of old greenbacks. Go Confederacy! Down with whipper-snappers! Um...prithee and forsooth!
I hope you understand that better than I do.
-Tommy ^_^
PS: Good form old chap on not caring what others think!
now its time for me to ask a question eh?! well my question to you is: what is
the meaning of life?!
-Signed SAMMI-
Dear Sammi,
Technically that's two questions. However, I will answer both. First off, whether or not it's time for you to ask a question is up to you. I no longer pay people to ask questions, despite what some still believe. So for you skeptics, I just want to remind you that Sammi asks these questions under her own free will in sound body and mind. You can tell she is doing this without my approval because she's asking a hard question. I would never hire someone to ask a question like this. I mean...LOOK at it! What is the meaning of life?! There's a freaking exclamation mark for goodness sakes! She's obviously asking this with ferocity which frightens even the strongest willed Heavyweight Wrestlers. My mental image is of a mild-mannered girl looking innocent and saying "Dear Tommy..." then her head splits and fire sprouts up behind her and she asks in a very low voice "what is the
meaning of life!?" I shudder to think about it. Anyway, none of that is important, because she hasn't stumped me one bit.
Sammi, the meaning of life is quite simple. It is to be happy. I am a strong believer in laughter. As a very wise prophet once said: "Laugh everyday. Even if it's at the expense of others. If someone falls down, laugh your bunnies* off." so there ya go. Just laugh every day of your life or you'll die. Trust me, I've researched this, and it wasn't easy. I had to search the internet for an hour, uphill both ways, before I found a single case of someone not laughing for a day and surviving. And that person was Hitler. Do you want to be like Hitler? That's what I thought.
-Tommy James Fenimore Pizzini ^_^
-freshman Aaron
Dear Freshman,
The Muttoneers. You've probably never heard of them, but they played in 1294 in what is now Sweden. Let me tell you; they rocked. Vlad Ironeater was the main band member, playing the modified picolo. Some others you may recognize are Sven the HornBlower (on the modified guitar), and Urik the Red (color guard). One of the reasons this band made it so big was
because of the extreme size of it (400 or more members) and the fact that they destroyed and looted any concert hall that didn't give them a standing ovation. Of course, this band is only the greatest as far as I know. If Jesus was in a band his was probably the greatest. He could be J the Savior and would most likely play the didgeridoo.
-Tommy ^_^
What do you believe our school's policy should be on finals? If it should be
changed, why? Also, have you ever tried calamare?
~Em
Dear Emily,
With said finals approaching at an all too rapid pace, and with Tommy Says questions coming out of my ears, it is becomming difficult to answer these in the length or hilarity that I would wish to do them in. Therefore, for the next week I will be keeping answers relatively short and sweet. Please bear with the lull in extreme, laugh your eyes out, giggle till tomorrow, responses as well. They'll be back. Summer brings soda and rest, which is what humor is made out of. That and carbon, but don't let that leak out.
You know, for saying I won't be giving long answers I certainly took a lot of time to type all that out... and that...and that...and that............and that. So I should just skip explanations in the future and answer the questions however I feel. So, you want to know what the policy should be? It should follow the teachings of Ernest Hemingway; the test is a test, the grade is a grade, and all the rest is bullshit. I don't feel bad cursing because he actually said this. He was talking about "The Old Man and the Sea" which apparently he claims has no symbology in it. The story according to him is just a little book about an old man who goes fishing and loses his fish to sharks. Speaking of fish, from what I understand from taking spanish class calamare is squid. I have never eaten anything that I have been told is squid...except Treet, but that I knew better than to believe was what it was called. Also, I didn't technically eat it so much as watched John and Matt eat it. That was fun, I'll have pictures later. After finals.
-Tommy ^_^
[Question deleted for content]
-bmose
Dear Bmose,
That's a very interesting question. I would not think its girls. They don't seem to have
nearly as many. Yes, in fact that is my final answer. Thanks for the question you wood.
-Tommy ^_^