| Survival Of The Wit-est real life experiences you should never have to live |
| In order to allow myself to ramble on without interupting the delicate balance of questions and answers in Tommy Says, as well as to present vital information to you that you will keep for the rest of your life. Hopefully by seeing it here first you will never have to do these things yourself. |
| Baby Shampoo |
| I'm sure everyone remembers baby shampoo. Good old Johnson's and Johnson's no tear baby shampoo. Recently, while showering, I noticed that we had run out of my normal shampoo and the only alternative was this brand. Normally it is used to was our dog's face twice before breakfast and once after dinner, but in my moment of need I decided there wouldn't be anything wrong with my using it this once. Upon raising the bottle and examining it, I noticed that it said "as gentle on eyes as water" in flowy letters right on the front. Not being a moron, I turned it over to look at the warnings, expecting to see: "warning: if this product comes in contact with your eyes, rinse immediately, summon a priest, or gauge your eyes out". However, there were no warnings, and under the description it merely said again: "as gentle on eyes as water". This sold it. I decided to do what any Madison County resisdent would do: I put some shampoo in my eye and planned to sue if it hurt more than water. So I squirted a drop of shampoo onto my fore finger and broght it right up to eye level. Not being one to procrastinate (HAHAHA this is funny because I'm writing this instead of doing my math homework I so desperately need to do), I put my finger to my eye without hesitation. ........two thoughts quickly sprang to mind. The first being, "at least my finger is clean right?", and the second arriving almost at the same time being: "OH GOD THEY LIED THEY LIED THEY LIED THEY LIED!!!" For you see, it hardly felt like a water covered finger poking my eyeball. Rather, it felt more like what I would describe as A FREAKING SHAMPOO COVERED FINGER POKING MY EYEBALL. Needless to say I started screaming and writhing while trying to wash my eyeball (sub-lesson: don't rinse eyeball if you have a multi-setting shower which is set to BLAST). After the initial burning subsided, I felt a wonderful few hours of numbness which eventually led to a slight stinging. The lesson is: An eyeball bathed is an eyeball burned. |
| Random Scholarship Essay |
| Essay Requirements: These are quite possibly the most absure guidelines I have ever seen in my life, but I think I filled them alright. Write a double-spaced essay up to three pages that begins with this paragraph: My trusted mentor rose to his (or her) feet, announcing "You have been a good student, but I have taught you all I can." With that, he (or she) departed, leaving me uncertain if I was prepared for the mission before me. Your essay must describe the completion of a mission, either physical or intellectual in nature. The story must include these items: (1) a famous painting or sculpture (2) the name of a musical symphony (3) Two elements from the periodic table (4) a character from a John Steinbeck novel and (5) a significant person from American history. |
| I feel at this point in my career it's about time I start sharing my secrets to the general public in the hopes of creating competition for myself. Included in this article are a few tips on how to write things people think are funny. This is really quite easy, all you need to do is include exactly 4 of the following elements (no more, don't blow it, jerk). No more ado, here are your humor elements. 1) Anagrams. Everything is anagrammable. Some anagrams are funnier than others. Doctors for Exercizing of Appropriate Dexterity while Doing Operations or Grafting Skin is not a funny anagram. It makes people cry. Stay away from stupid mistakes like this. 2) Stupid mistakes. Everyone laughs when someone else screws up. This is common knowledge. Their are thousands of ways to do something wrong, but only a few to do it correctly. Why deny odds their one job? Go with the mathematical way and you'll get a laugh every time. 3) Laugh at your own jokes. Look, sometimes people just a need a little prodding in the right direction, so you have to give it to them because no one else will. Just like no one will miss the days gas was over 2 dollars! Hahahaha. 4) Misuse logic. If one thing is true, another is most likely false. Don't let them know this. If you can make a strong enough argument that the only occupants of South Carolina are the Chinese people will have to accept it. After all, you've presented no evidence to suggest otherwise, so how can they think you're wrong? 5) Make fun of someone. My personal favorite are: states that no one likes, school administrations/teachers, people who make stupid mistakes, myself. 6) Use funny words. There is a very defined and limited list of words which are considered funny. Many contain z's, y's, and ologna's. They are garuntees: use them and you will be laughed at. 7) Lie. People like to be lied to. Experience has taught me this. 8) Quotes. Just plain use them. People get it. People laugh at what they "get". 9) Alliteration. This is one of my personal favorites. The more words you can get in a row that start with the same sound, the better. Sometime soon I'll write something using some single letter exclusively. That's the whole list. That's all it takes to be "funny". Heh heh, just use a mix-and-match mangling of as many members of this model as you can (no more than 4 per article though. Four is so horribly foul, as can easily be seen using logic) and you will undowtedly have people laughing at you till the bologna comes home! Trust me, would I lie to you?.....stupid. |
| How To Write Humor |
| Valedictorian Speech |
| An exact copy of what I brought up with me can be found here. |
| Senor River Letter of Recommendation |
| There was a little contest between the teachers of... well, the world I suppose. I'm not all too certain who all was invited to compete, but I do know that for some reason or another they wanted me to recommend one of my teachers for the "Teacher of the Year Award". Anyone knowing me could tell you that I am not all that into rewarding teachers - I try to let my charming sarcasm and witty, whimsical essays and papers be reward enough. This however seemed to be a great opportunity to show Sr. River what a cool guy I thought he was. I wrote this letter in approx. 10 minutes, and I probably use the same arguments again and again. This isn't cause I'm lazy. It's 'cause it was really hard to think up good things to say about River. ...You know I kid River; you my boy. Anyway, you can read my letter here. |
| College Application Personal Statement |
| This is my personal statement that I sent in to Tulane University. I'm still not quite sure what I was thinking... but I got in, so it must have worked. All rights reserved, patent pending, and so forth. i.e. Don't still my shiz biz. My Personal Statment |
| The Forking Incident |
| Faithful readers! You are in for a treat! Once thought lost, the mightiest of all school written essays has finally been found again! All praise that magic of technology and bask in the feast which is.... the forking. |
| Introduction Letter |
| I don't know if it's some sort of conspiracy, or if teachers just don't know what's going on; but I'm starting to believe that teachers, despite working, eating, sleeping, and all around living in the school, do not have the slightest idea how the school functions. They seem to have some weird notion that every student in the school wants to know every other student. They fail to grasp that students create little groups and cliques for a reason, namely: to avoid being introduced to people who look, act, or sound different. This is fine for most kids considering they often want to be left alone in their own clique too (some exceptions occur, of course). The teachers' understanding of school politics is spelled out as "Kids want to know about other kids in their group exclusively", but they seem to only have a character array with only 34 iterations *guffaw guffaw*. Ahem.. sorry... have I mentioned I'm going into computer science? Ew.. Point is: they only hear "Kids want to know about other kids" and so they assign little speeches like this one in order to help kids better understand their classmates. For each class (in general) the speeches will be distributed as follows: 18/30 are standard no fussing, mussing, or cussing, straight shooting, room stuffening, boring sort of "truthful" view at the person. These harvest one or two laughs all-in-all and often only because the person says something embarassing. 5/30 are over-the-top, wild and crazy, laugh-your-but-off, mood-lighteners that help get the whole class feeling more at ease. The last 7/30 are absent today cause they didn't do it last night. Sheesh. Looking back, I seem to have written a seperate introduction letter just to introduce this letter. No more ado then. Here it is. |
| English Strand Poem |
| Having slept during the majority of the time when we were learning this stuff, I can't recall if strands are a type of poem, or if a strand is some seperate thing. I took the former path and titled this paragraph "English Strand Poem", but I might go back and change that... in which case it won't be titled that any longer. If this is the case, please ignore this paragraph. |
| Along with us there came a mirthful man, Who hardly could be seen as tall or tan. And while it's true his stature was quite short His hair was surely of the longer sort. And as we're on the point of widths and lengths, A habit made his nails a lesser strength. He loved to write (if done on his own time), But his forced prose made rhymes of time with rhyme. He never would hold back a hearty joke. But still, when meeting someone new, he'd choke. He had a brain which held some mighty facts, Though often these were false and way off track. For instance, it is known that he has stated: "There is no English class that I have hated" |
| Yeah, yeah. I know I'm no poet. By the by, in case you couldn't figure it out, I'm describing myself. |
| Lockwood |
| Here we find the paper I wrote for my oral presentation on that book we all know and love... "Wuthering Heights". *gracefully gags while stabbing book with sharpened limbo poles*. |
| My Will |
| (Added June 14, 2006, Last Update: June 14, 2006) |
| Shouldn't everyone have a will? This is the first in what I hope will be a long running series of legal documents related to my life. Maybe the next episode could be my mortgage agreement!! |