For those of you out there who do not know, the other day I was nearly killed. The circumstances leading up to this near-death experience are inconsequential, but let me assure you that they most certainly were NOT me running out into the street after a red kick ball while playing four-square in John's driveway on a delightful Monday evening in June. Inconsequential as it may be, that was certainly not what happened, and you can go ahead and assume that it was something much more macho and much less 4 year old kid-like. Go ahead and assume that it was skydiving.
So anyway, I was skydiving, and someone went and cherry bombed the ball er... parachute into the street and I went chasing after er... plummeting down to retrieve the bal-parachute and then a car came and almost hit me. Erm.. did I say a car came? I meant the ground. And I hit it (always make the first move (Tommy's advice #1)). But this is all inconsequential (can you tell I thesaurus'd “filler” and just used the longest word I could find?) as I said before. The important and entirely unconsequential (which I assume means the opposite of inconsequential (always assume you're right and defend your stance to the death even in the face of empirical or logical proof which defies your belief (Tommy's advice #2))) part of this story is that it led me to realize that I had no Final Will and Testament to dictate commands to people from beyond the grave with. And so, with little further ado, I give you:
My Final Will and Testament
A short story by Tommy Pizzini
Dearly beloved, you are gathered together hearing a priest read my final will and testament because it is my wish. The following are also my wishes and they sure as hell had better be followed or I'll find a way to get back up there... er.. down there... and I'll make you regret it.
Pre-death wishes:
If I am in a vegetative state, barely able to, or completely unable to sustain my own vital goings-on and am simply “living” as a brain-dead leech might (sapping the strength and money of those who are close to me), it is my wish for those whom I am draining the life and funds of to gather their strength and go against what their hearts tell them.. by KEEPING ME THE $#&% ALIVE! Good lord! I'm not flippin' dead yet! Stop crying and write a damn check for goodness sake. If you pull the plug I'm gonna be so damn mad that I'm gonna wake up and slap you silly. You think it sucks having to “go visit Uncle Tommy”? Well you don't even wanna KNOW how much it's gonna suck when I wake up if I hear that you only mumbled the creed before greedily yanking my life cord (... did that sound dirty?) Anyway, since I really do want this document to be some sort of real will, I would like to say in all seriousness, that I do not want anyone to not let me not die. They're making great strides in medicine nowadays and you know that like a day after I day they're gonna have some sort of cure for... coma.
This is all I feel like doing for now. But I will keep this updated as time goes on, so long as I too continue to go on.