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280th - October - 2001
Well i'm haveing a shit day. Possibly the worst for ages. And yes its about pixie and sex once again . . . i know i know i should get over it but i can't. Lastnight we went out on a proper date, we spend so much time together that we don't really "date" anymore. So lastnight i came and picked her up at her house, and then we went and had dinner, and then went to a concert. It was a fancy thing, so we got all dressed up etc. And it was going really well. Then the concert started an she took my hand and slid it down the back of her skirt . . well she had no under wear on, and hadn't the whole time we were out. Well as you can imagine this sent me right off. I couldn't stop thinking about her or sex or anything throughout the whole concert. Then when we were driving home she put her feet up on the dashboard so her skirt fell down round her waist and i could almost see 'her'. I haven't been hornier in my life and so when we got home - what happens - FUCK ALL !!! Thats what! She got tired and went to sleep. Maybe she didn't feel 'in the mood' but after that stunt the least she could have done was get me off. I'm so fucking pissed off, and there wasn't a think i could do. During the concert I was planning on asking her to sleep with me that night because of what a wonderfull time we had had - but instead i got to lie in bed a try to go to sleep with the bigger hard on ever while she slept. I finally gave up and got up and watched some TV, but grrrrrr that was soooo not good. Ok, sure I will say in her defence that she didn't want to be tired, and yes i know that it "wasn't her fault" but still - I was so fucking horny and she didn't seem to really care, at least not enought to even try!!!! Not a thing, not even a hint. So i'm really pissed off. I'm not gonna dump her - but I am planning on saying we need some time appart so that she knows exactly how hard this is all gettting for me !!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR My life is so not good right now . . . and its like 2 days befor my first fucking exam as well and i need to study!!!! And i can't because i'm sooo pissed off !!!! |
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26thth - October - 2001
Well for the last two days in a row we have got together which has been really nice. Myabe its all in my head, and she does like doing stuff . . . actually no! Its just a lucky break and i know that nothing will happen now for like a week . . . sad that i'm so pesamistic - but i have to be in order to not get dissapointed |
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24thth - October - 2001
Well that makes 10 months. Exams are close. Not getting any. That pretty much sums up my life right about now !! |
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19thth - October - 2001
Assignment is in - yay. I'm so . h . . a . . . . p . . . . p . . . . y . . . As you can see my excitement is just flowing over :| No that wasn't a type'o I really not as happy as i should be. My assignment is in but somehow i don't really care . . . i think i need sleep and sex - then maybe i'll be in a happier mood. Actually what i need is for pixie to start hateing me and dump me, so that i can go and curl up in my bed and never get out!!!! Thats what i want !!! |
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14th - October - 2001
Ok, well hopefully after that little stint in bed we can get back to not much. At least now i think the ice is re-broken so it won't be so bad from now on and we'll get back to normal. But still no talk of sex happening again. I think we'd both rather forget that it ever happened !!! And there are only 5 days till my assignment is due - I have so much work. I like to write here more but i always find that because its the end of the year i've got so much uni work that i run out of time . . what little extra i have is spent with a so i'm afraid i only get to write here on and off . . but ahh well, better than nothing |
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12th - October - 2001
We have still not done anything sexual since it didn't happen . . . i'm so depressed. She's being really good and stuff, and we're going along as usual with 'fooling round' taken out. Its like we're just really close friends who hugg a lot. Not good, hopefully this weekend someone will get sucked off or eaten out etc and then we can at least go back to not often rather than nothing. Sometimes i really do wish that we never started dateing because we work so much better as friends !! If she had lust or I didn't then this would work really well !! But unfortunatly i have lots and she doesn't have much so we hit a snag . . . |
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6th - October - 2001
Grrr . . . i neeeeeeeed something to happen |
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3rd - October - 2001
I should really be doing the second assignment (mentioned earlier) but i really don't want to. I like doing nothing. Its due on the 19th but thats such a long way a way i'll definaly have time to much round now and do it later :) or maybe i'll just fail but hey, i get to slack off now if i take that line. We went away over the weekend and it wasn't good :( Well kinda it was and kinda it wasn't. You seen the first day was cool, we had lots of fun and nothing happened. The second day was fun and we did stuff and it was really good. That night she asked to sleep with me and yeah i know its what i've been after for the past 19 years but it didn't happen so now its even worse and she's never going to ask me again. What happened was that we both go so fricken nervious that we didn't want to in the end !!! What the FUCK !!! or not to be precise. So now she's really strung up about it and i don't think we're ever going to screw . . . and now because she's on the fucking pill she has less lust that her usual almost nothing. So all in all, it looks like this : I'm never going to sleep with her She hard wants to touch me in any sexual way We're together so much of the time that i can' even get myself off to relieve the "need" so now i'm just really pissed off and its not good . . . i feel sick almost all the time and its just so bad. I wish we'd slept together so much, and i keep going through it in my mind and trying to work out where it went wrong. I keep thinking of all these things i could've done that would have made it work and that i would no longer be a virgin right now if i done them etc and its just really getting me down! |
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27th - September - 2001
YAY the project is in. I can finally stop worrying about it. Of course the second assignment starts now but I don't wanna think about that :) I'm just happy the first one is over and done with. It sucks that its getting to the end of the year and all the assignments are due and exam study is supposed to be starting. I got my exam timetable recently and my last exam is on the 9th of November. Its not really that far away, infact in terms of the whole of my life upto now its probably less than 1% of it - damm thats not a good way to think about it i shall stop thinking like that and count the hours, that will make seem like ages :) And just in case your wonderin no, pixie hasn't seen fit to sleep with me yet, but i'm hopeing it won't be too long. Hopefully soon i guess . . . but i'm not confident. She told me recently that it wasn't that she didn't like doing stuff, or that I didn't turn her on it was just that she never thought of it. Like when we get into bed and i think "YAY bed, lets do stuff" she thinks "YAY bed, i really do feel tired, and oh isn't it nice to give you a hug". Thats not exactly something that i think will go away, its been like 9 months (exactly 3 days ago) and although things have got a little better no much. Just as friends we function really well, we always have stuff to talk about, i like haveing her company and stuff its just that she hardly ever feel horney and me being 19 and male i kinda feel horney 24/7 so it doesn't really mesh. But their ain't nothing i can do about it so i guess i just either leave or shut up. |
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15th - September - 2001
The project isn't finished (although i'd like that) so don't get your hopes up. But it is the fist day the pixie and myself could possibly sleep together ;) Its been over 2 weeks since she started takeing the pill, and thats the 'safe' period over with (well acording to the little booklet anyway). So I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up . . . because I'm sure it will take ages untill she will want too, at least thats what past experience tells me - so i'm tying hard not to bring it up with her or think about it because thats just gonna make things worse. But still its pretty hard not to think about it !!!! I'm gonna get laid for the first time soon and i just hope i don't fuck it up too much . . but what ever happens pixie will be cool about it - i know she will so thats a comfort !! |
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14th - September - 2001
Well its been a long hard slug but finaly I finished section 'A' of that stupid massive assignment. I have like NO time right now . . . there are still 2 other parts of the assig to go !! And so my life at the moment is kinda boaring simply uni work !! So i'll get back probably when the whole thing is done !! |
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7th - September - 2001
UNI ARRRGGGGG - i have some stupid assignment that has 9 pages of requrements - NOOO its sooo long. I couldn't believe it - i though my friends were jokeing when they said it was that long, or maybe it had a big font and lots of pictures but no - its fricken huge. But hey, i'll get it finished just lots of nights are now going to be lost to the persuit of good marks :) but appart from huge assignments my life is soo good at the moment. Its hard to believe that i ever felt bad recently - although i'm guessing that when i'm down its hard to believe that i ever felt up. but hey, this high has been going for like a month so its all good !!! and its not drug induced !!! I'm not too sure why things are really good right now . . . i think it has a lot to do with everything :) like pixie and myself are getting on well, my uni marks are good, i'm getting to really like my uni friends etc - its like everything is working right now and i'm sure i'll have a bad day soon but i'm hopeing that it won't mess me too much !!! |
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4th - September - 2001
Enough of all this sex stuff . . i'm more of a person (well not really but i can try). What else is your average teen male supposed to be into these day ??? Cos sex and uni pretty much take up my time . . so if i'm not gonna talk about that then i'm gonna have to try real hard to find something else. ok well i guess i can still talk about pixie :) just not in a sexual context. Well tonight she's out babysitting so i'm left here all alone :( poor me - hehehehe. Nah, i'm jsut working on a stupid uni essay. YUK i hate essay's - you can tell that i'm not really into good grammar and spelling - hehehe - but i have a time till friday so that i can get it done !!!! So i'll get by. pixie doesn't have much work at the moment so it's just me studying, but i know she'll get some soon and then it will be both !! i think i like it better just me :) she's happier with not too much work - nothing to worry about i guess. But she's good. We're getting along loverly! so yeah everythings good. I'm trying not to get all up and down like i was (as this diary clearly shows) and i think its going really quite well!! We haven't had a 'down' patch for ages which is marvelos !! a few entries ago i say how good i was feeling about the recent days . . well that hasn't really stopped yet which is great. Usually it goes in a month cycle - and i know its sad but its got a lot to do with pixie's cycle. its not that she gets angry or grumpy when she has her period its that she gets horney - and as much as i hate to admit it i'm happier if i'm getting off lots so when she's horney i'm happy and when she calms down again i get more irritable etc. But now i'm just accepting that she doesn't want to suck me off everyday and things are going good :) well now that i'm back on the sex thing anyway its only 10 days till anything can happen ;) |
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30th - August - 2001
As its happens little Pixie has gone on a little trip. Now this trip was to Mr Doctor. And he gave her some little pills etc :) YAY. well i feel happy. The pill is a wonderfull invention etc and i'm very glad that it exist !!! So yeah . . i think the waiting period is something like 2 weeks so about the 14th of September or after i guess anything can happen :) I'm trying to be really nice to her. Now that isn't as bad as it seems . . its not simply cos i want her to scew me, its just that this is such a big thing for her, and she doesn't have to do it -> so because she is choseing to do it i want her to know that i really apreciate it. And so i'm just doing little things here and there so that she knows i love her. The best thing is that it was her idea :) I didn't really do anything to provoke it i don't think � I didn't even know she'd been until she showed me her little box of pills. I was driving her home from a party we had been to and she just took them out of her bag and put them on the dashboard of the car while i was stopped at a red light and there they were :) I'm taking that as a good sign that she really wants to do this as well and its not just all me. Cos i would hate for her to do this cos i pressured her into it and then find out that she regretted it - that would probably be the worst thing to happen . . . neither of us think that the first time is gone to rock our worlds or anything like that, so i don't think we'll be let down - but if she regretted it that would really suck !!! |
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23th - August - 2001
Well its kinda really the 22nd, as its like 12:40am on the 23rd but hey :) i'll be precise. So, how are you ??? Well as for me i'm fine and thanks for asking. Now many of my rants and raves are about sex i feel i should continue this line of discussion right through, as it is both the best and worst aspect of me and pixie. You see, i've only been with one other person and that was when i was like 15 and we never got past kissing so i don't have anyone else to judge pixie against - which i think is both good and bad, cos i think she rocks as i can't say i've had better but then again i can't ask for things i've liked in the past etc. Now on her side, she's been with a few guys, and claims i'm the best ever . . . which is great - especially since i'm the first person to make her cum(well thats what she claims and why would i try and prove her wrong when its such a nice claim :). I'm really hopeing she's telling the truth cos if she's not then she's missing out - and that ain't good. I wouldn't care if i was last, just as long as she was honest and told me what she really wanted . . . so i'm hopeing that she's satified, and she say's she is so until i find out something else i'll believe that :) Now that thats out of the way i will say that she has recently said that she is planning on sleeping with me :) So yay to that. I'm sooo stoked about it, and i'm trying really hard not to think about it too much or bring it up all the time. I love her sooo much, and although i complain and bitch here lots, anyone reading this should know that 9/10 hours i spend with pixie are the best in my life. Its just the few that i complain about cos i'm happy with the rest, and it doesn't need to be let out cos its good (if you get my meaning). So while you really only get to hear the bad stuff, when i'm feeling crap, our relationship is really quite good :) Well that about wraps it up. I get to sleep with pixie finally after 8 (and a bit by the time it happnes) months. I sooo hope i don't screw it up. We've waited this long and its been built up sooo much that if it sucks . . . well that would suck :) Now don't get me wrong. I'm not expecting the greatest show on earth. All i'm after is not to hurt her, and eventhought the actual act might be arkward and embarassing that it'll be something to look back on and smile, not cringe. So as long as its a happy occasion it can still be bad if you get my meaning . . . . :) |
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20th - August - 2001
Well hello there boys and girls !!! And what have we here today. Well over the past few days pixie and i have been getting along the best ever. Thats right, its all good baby !!! Ok, this morning wasn't too crash hot cos i screwed up the alarm and she was sick, but go back 24 hours and we were rocking - Oh and the phone conversation about 45 mins ago was back up to the happy standards we are setting !!! YAY. Happy happy happy :) |
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10th - August - 2001
I had a talk with TimmyH about breaking up with pixie. I wasn't too serious at the time but he told me not to be such a wanker . . . and he hasn't ever, and doesn't get anything so me complaining about being sucked off only once a week was proof that i was a total wanker!!! Well those weren't his exact words but thats what he said. and had his parents not been walking round i'm sure he would have put it much stonger than he did! So anyway, i pretty sure i'm not going to do it . . . and if pixie ever found out that i was even contemplating it i'm sure she wouldn't be too happy at all. So i sharn't say a think and wait a little while. It really isn't all that bad. Its just i make it soo much worse myself. I'm sure i could deal very easily if I didn't keep willing it to happen when i knew i had no chance - cos that just means i get disapointed when i know i'm going to get disapointed which doesn't help at all. If you don't get that little explanation then what i mean is : i make it worse for myself. Thats plain and simple, and its ture which is the sad part :( But pixie does so much for me, there isn't any way that i would want to break up with pixie simple cos of a little frustration cosidering all the other things she does. Like cheer me up all the time, and help with uni work, and teach me about the world !!! Lots of stuff . . so the more i think the less i shall do !! |
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3rd - August - 2001
I've just been reading over past entries and its soo sad. I never knew how much pixie and myself were up and down. Mostly all I remember is the good stuff. And now when i'm about to write another bad one i see that every message alternates between good and bad. Hmm . . not too good, well thats the way it is. I'm thinking about breaking up with pixie . . .maybe not totally, just a 'space' or something but i'm finding it really hard to handle. Cos I really like doing stuff together and she likes being together . . what i mean is i wanna jump into bed and get naked etc and she just wants to hang out. I'm not really a sex maniac etc, its just that we're 19, and 18 and we only do 'stuff' about once a week. COME ON, we see each other everyday and yet things only happen about once a week. Married couples of 35 have sex 2 a week, and we're fucking teenages. Whats up ?? I don't think its me, i just think she has no to little sex drive. Which really sucks, cos i'm kinda horney all the time. Hey, I know that girls and boys are diffrent but this diffrent ??? I don't push it. I just accept it that nothings going to happen, but then i have to lye in bed all curled up together trying to calm myself down enough to go to sleep. I'm SOOOO into her body, its marvelous so whenever i'm near it i get hard. And cos we sleep curled up together about 5 times a week, for 4 of them i'm really quite aroused which leads to annoyed etc when she falls asleep and never wants to do anything. I don't know why she doesn't like muchin round. I don't push her further than she want's to go . . . we have it all worked out and when it does happen i really like it and she claim to really enjoy it too - but somehow that doesn't flow over into wanting more. Like we've never got together twice in a day and we've been dating for 7 months now. And at parties its apparently 'Antisocial' to go off to the bed room to make out for 5 mins etc. Who would fucking care ???? Sure you don't spend the whole party locked together, and maybe not even every party - but one party in 7 months I don't think would be too much to ask . . . am I totally out of line here ??? If i read this again in 2 years will i sound like a total fuck ?? Is every girl like this and when i find this out i'll wish i had stayed with pixie ??? I do love her soo much. Its just so frustrating sometimes . . . . and i don't know why she doesn't want that. |
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31st - July - 2001
Well as far as me and pixie go we're all fine now. As for me and hayden i kinda don't have the guts to face him now so we haven't talked much at all because i keep avoiding him. But on sunday we did go and plant tree's for "national tree day" and so now i can drive my car around and know that the pollution is being picked up :) I don't actually own a car now and i don't think i'll get one. My parents want me to so i will stop asking for their's, and my friends want me to so i can drive them to parties etc (i don't drink so i can always drive them home) but neither me or pixie think that i really need it - so i don't think i will. Its nearly 1 (just after miday) and i kinda only just woke up. I was meant to have lectures today starting at 9:30 but i guess i missed the boat. Well to tell the truth i woke up and then went back to sleep cos i didn't want to get up :) Yeah, i'm a bit of a lazy boy but its a subject that i know really well, and find it easy as. Its just CS109 - Programming Principles 1B. I got a High Destinction for both my exam and my final mark in it last semester and right now their just doing stuff i already know again so i don't think it'll matter too much. |
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24th - July - 2001
Now i ain't so happy about our 7 month. I kinda fucked it up. Pixie is always the most friendly of people, she will talk to anyone even if she doesn't like them simply cos she can i guess. Well anyway as after the libary she went off to the rest of her lectures and i came home, well when she got home my whole family including me was in the kichen and she came in a preceded to talk to them all, and stayed there after i had left - i know it was nothing like this at all but i kinda felt that she liked them just as much if not better than me. I do a lot of stupid things and this is one of them. Well the story isn't to the bad bit yet, anyway to celebrate out seven months we went out with our friends (yes i thought it was extremely romantic as well). And when pixie, scottie and myself came home she went out to talk to my brother (who lives out the back) and then scottie went to and left me inside. It kinda hurt and so when they came back in with hayden about 30mins later i was jelous of hayden . . . yes i know she doesn't like him at all etc etc etc but still my brain wasn't really behind this i don't think - she spends 90% of her time with me, why i should care about 30 mins one night i don't know. Well it all ended up with me snubbing hayden. She came to find out what was wrong, i told her. She went and told hayden. I heard her tell hayden. I was the most angry i've ever been in my life. I walked out of the house. I really do like my privacy and i like dealing with things on my own. It was hard enough to tell pixie, without her haveing to humilyate me by telling hayden. She thought she was doing right but it caused out first fight. I was walking around outside (its about 2:30am) and she came out to see what was wrong. I told her in no uncertain terms, and although i called it a fight it wasn't quite like that. She got really say, and i was mad as hell but we didn't raise our voices or start abusing each other so it wasn't too bad. Well i spent the rest of the night sulking and not talking to anyone. I had to drive scottie home and the whole car ride was in silence. I got back and had to get into bed with pixie. Well in the end we talked it out and she said she wouldn't do it again. But i'm so ashamed of what i did. She is so good to me and never does anything to hurt me etc, why should i care that she talked to my family. That was bad . . . . |
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24th - July - 2001
ITS OUT 7 MONTH's - well i'm proud of that considering my next best is about 5 weeks. Well now here's something i ain't never going to forget !!!! pixie and myself were in a uni libary and there is whats called the bean bag room. Of course you can figure out what that is from the name . . its a room with heaps of bean bags and pillow to sit/ly on. So we were it there not doing much just half asleep (most people read but we like to sleep there in between lectures) and then we get to talking, although very quietly as its a libary. Then she say's "Me wants now" and i know what that means - it means she wants to cum. Whenever she says thats its always a dive for the bed and clothes get lost on the way, but she's never said it in a libary befor. So for a little while we just made out on the cussions but i finaly convinved her to do it. It took a bit of convincing cos she is a little . . . . not shy, just . . . . well anyway stuff like she won't make out at parties cos its anti-social etc, and she was hesitant to do this. So anyway i finaly got her to say yes, and so we made a few walls with the bean bags etc (we were in a corner so it was easy), and then lay her coat across both of us, undid her pants and without takeing any cloths off i sliped my hand down. Of course i got a go myself but you can't really hide actual cum, so it didn't get off but hey it was so much fun to make her cum and watch her have to try not to shake or breath hard etc that i would do it again any day. Hopefully with this little hurdel out of the way she will be a little more willing to do stuff infront of our friends. |
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23nd - July - 2001
Well i'm feeling soooooo much better i don't think you can compare. Last night pixie and myself had a little chatt. Really i guess you could say we talked for a couple of hours straight and everything went away. The thing was that when we started talking (we were going to watch a movie but got sidetracked) we somehow got onto the topic of people being insecure and i realised that thats what i was . . and we talked about it some, and just lay round hugging and kissing without doing terribly much and it was really nice. I felt so calm and secure and loved after that, so now i'm really quite happy :) |
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22nd - July - 2001
i do love pixie very much but it just seems that something is diffrent at the moment. I'm not sure what, maybe its just me being tired or maybe its something else but whatever it is its shitting me right up the wall. I think it probably has something to do with how inadaquate i feel sometimes. she doesn't do it intentionally but, well . . . there arin't nothing i can do. I know i don't eat right, and i know that i'm not good at talking - sorry. i just don't know how to change anything at the moment. i just feel crap. i had a wonderfull night lastnight with henery at darkzone etc and a wonderful afternoon with pixie but when she started talking about how she was going out with a uni friend for lunch i just started feeling shit again . . . especially when i asked if she would want me there if i didn't have uni, and hse said no. I know thats a perfectly understandable thing but . . . . maybe i'm jelous. is that it ???? i'm not sure but whatever it is i so shouldn't have asked if she thought we were too diffrent after the adelaide car trip. that was the biggest mistake of my life .. . not a good thing. From then on i think i'm much more away of what she doesn't like about me and its getting my down. Maybe in a while it will all go away but somehow it doesn't seem that way now, although i guess when your down it doesn't look like it will ever pick up - take scottie as a perfect example !!! he thinks his life is sooo bad when actually it's really quite good. maybe his parents aren't perfect but then who's are - he could have tim h's parents and then where would he be !!!! |
