You Know You've Been in Band Too Long When:

You Know You've Been in Band Too Long When...

...you start sleeping with your instrument.

...you have to take out your dentures to play.

...you can identify yourself in a band picture.

...your career is baby-sitting the director's kids.

...the sole of your band shoe falls off during a parade.

...the director starts to sing well.

...you consider your drill charts a fashion accessory.

...you can eat Chinese food with your drumsticks.

...someone hands you a piece of paper and the first thing you do with it is roll it up and put it in your pocket.

...the choice is not regular or diet, but woodwind or brass.

...you shake your head and your lips follow three seconds later.

...you know everyone else's part.

...dinner conversation is focused around new music or drill charts.

...you start listening to band music all day.

...being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.

...the saxes sound like they're improving.

...the flutes are in tune.

...you can play up to tempo on YOUR instrument.

...you walk with a roll step.

...people worry when they see you without your instrument.

...you start using band jokes on people outside the band.

...your instrument begins to grow hair.

..."armed guard" means a girl with a pole instead of a man with a gun.

...the worst four-letter word you can think of is B-A-N-D.

...you know how many celing tiles there are from waiting for the trumpets to learn their parts.

...you know how many sound panels there are from waiting for the drummers to GET their parts.

...you pivot on every corner.

...the band goes on a road trip and no busses break down.

...someone says "block" and you immediately drop whatever you are doing and go running off somewhere.

...you beg the director for extra early morning rehearsals.

...you can dress in 15 seconds.

...back marching no longer reminds you of ballet.

...instead of political campaigns or soap operas, you follow section intrigue.

...you can sing your part to a show more than three years old.

...you start criticizing the bands on televised parades.

...the flutes are in tune.

...you wear your uniform to any concert even though you are not in it.

...your band shoes no longer hurt.

...you try to teach your three-month-old sister to play the flute.

...you feel homicidal towards a rookie who says, "Oh, goodie! Another parade!"

...you name your kids Mark and Time.

...your teachers excuse your mistakes with, "It's all right, the poor thing's in band."

...the band is in step.

...drummers respect percussionists.

...you call your wife/husband to say you'll be late because of band practice.

...marking time is your favorite form of exercise.

...your instrument/hat/uniform has a name and personality all of its own.

...anything on this list makes sense.

...cold hot dogs, warm Coke, and stale popcorn are gourmet meals.

...you consider being a band director.

...the flutes are in tune.

...you are going around a corner with a group of friends and you think, "Don't swing out!"

...numbers past 8 don't matter.

...you hope the football team loses so you won't have to go to the playoffs.

...duct tape is an essential part of your instrument/uniform.

...you can make brown shoes look white.

...a line that's supposed to be straight is straight (rather than beautifully curved!)

...you can sleep through drumline sectionals.

...you have a neckstrap/drum harness tan line (and don't consider it strange.)

...you still have your neckstrap/drum harness tan lines at band camp the next year.

...letters past G don't matter.

...the sideline and the band are in tune.

...there's a straight diagonal anywhere on the field.

...you subconsciously start practicing fingerings on a pencil.

...you consider moving into the band room.

...you roll-step to avoid spilling food.

...you sing drum cadences while walking to class.

...everyone but you knows what happened on your date.

...all your friends make band jokes.

...Slides no longer make your back ache.

...you come home from rehearsal and your mother/roommate says, "You look familiar."

...your pants fall off and you keep going like nothing happened.

...everyone wants to kill the other football team...and you want to kill the other band.

...you accidentally call the director, "Dad."

...you show up fifteen minutes early for everything.

...you hear music and you start marking time.

...you actually CAN sight-read.

...you walk behind someone and are in step with them.

...a bus seat is as comfortable as your bed.

...you've dated every member of the opposite sex in the band.

...you've had a trombone-related head injury.

...your busses are named (i.e. Command Central, Drum Bus, Tuba Bus, Shako Bus, Rude Bus, Library Bus, Tweetle Bus, G Bus, Estrogen Bus...)

...the drumline can read music.

...the worst torture implements you can think of are trumpets and piccolos.

...there's a stand in the bandroom that ISN'T broken.

...you regard tuba players as a separate species.

...you point out key changes and dynamics on the radio.

...people ask you about your social life and you say, "You mean my flute/trumpet/tuba/drum/etc.?"

...you can guide off reflections in your bell.

...you think your plume is alive. ("The chicken is attacking me! AAAAHHH!!!")

...you've ever been able to hear a soloist.

...you can count by eight as easily as by ten.

...you can remember your music in the middle of an exam, but can't remember what class you're in.

...the trumpets make it through a show without ad-libbing.

...the sideline and the band agree on the tempo.

...you actually have all of pregame memorized.

...reeds taste good.

...you start coming up with new words to fight songs, both your own and other people's.

...the buses leave on time.

...the pit gets their equipment on the field or put away in less than half an hour.

...the director's jokes are funny.

...trombones realize there's more to dynamics than ON and OFF.

...the buses get home on time.

...you give a drummer four steps of clearance even when he's not carrying his drum.

...you start adding stuff to this list.

Other band wisdom:

-Band directors are serious when they say:"If you're early, you're on time, if you're on time, you're late, if you're late, you miss the bus."

-Race car pit crews have nothing on the pit--they're the fastest jerry-rig mechanics in the world.

-A friend is someone who will lend you half her flute when you forget your piccolo.

-M&M's=Marching and Maneuvering pills.

-Even though you swear you'll never march again at the end of every season, in a few weeks you wish it was August so you could start all over again.

-You can't guide anything backwards.

-On any band road trip, at least one bus/truck will break down, get lost, or not show up. This is why 300 bandos can dress and get on the field in less than ten minutes.

-Band uniforms are made to be too hot in summer, too cold in winter.

-Duct tape fixes everything.

-The one time you don't have a safety pin is the time you need one.

-Musical ability and leadership are two different things.

-No matter what happens, look like you know what you're doing, and the audience won't know the difference. Or, as a sectionmate of my brother's once put it, "Way to be, Nate! If you're gonna be wrong, DO IT RIGHT!"

-Sugar is a more potent source of energy than uranium.

-Never assume a bass drummer can see you.

-Bandos have more fun than anyone else at the game.

Band riddles: (most as old as a school instrument)

How do you get two piccolos to play in tune?: Shoot one.
If you're lost in the woods, who should you ask for directions: an in-tune sax player, an out-of-tune sax player, or Santa Claus?: The out-of-tune sax player. The other two are hallucinations.
How many bass trombone players does it take to screw in a light bulb?: Just one, but he'll do it too loud.
What's the difference between a percussionist and a drummer?: A percussionist can read music.
What's the range of a tuba?: About twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
Is a saxophone a woodwind or a brass?: Yes.
What's the difference between an onion and an oboe?: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?: Sit in the back and don't play.
What's the difference between a coffin and a cello?: The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why do clarinet players drive with their cases on the dashboard?: So they can park in the handicapped spaces.
How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?: You can tune a lawnmower.
How can you identify a timpanist in a Restaurant?: He's the one tapping on the glasses with a fork, trying to tune them.
How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?: Five. One to screw in the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
How many soprano sax players does it take to screw in a light bulb?: One. He just holds the bulb up and lets the world turn around him.
How are bandos like lawyers?: Everyone feels better when their cases are closed.

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