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| EPISODE ONE: STAFF DEVELOPMENT |
| JAMES Well, actually it�s rather embarrassing�isn�t there a man I can speak to? ETHEL No dear, it�s just me and my sister Vera, we�ve ran this chemist for over forty years! Never had any complaint! JAMES OK� VERA Just tell us what the trouble is love. We�ve heard it all before� JAMES Well, the problem is�I�ve got this really huge erection and it won�t go away. The two women turn and look at each other in amazement. BOTH I�ve never heard of that one before!! ETHEL Why�why don�t you go in the other room Vera, love? You know, go and file your dentures or something? I think I can handle this one! VERA Alright dear, do you want yours doing as well? ETHEL Ooh, thank you my lovely! JAMES Well? What can you offer me for it? ETHEL For what, dear? James squirms in embarrassment. JAMES My� He points to his groin. �problem. ETHEL Oh, the erection! Well�I don�t really know. Tell you what, I�ll go out the back and ask my sister, then I�ll come back and let you know, alright, dear? JAMES Yes, OK. ETHEL And don�t be stealing nothing while I�m gone, I�ve got eyes everywhere� Ethel goes into the back room to speak with Vera. James has a look round the chemist, examining strange bottles of medicines on the counter. On a shelf high above the counter, he sees a baby pig in formaldehyde and shivers. Suddenly, Ethel and Vera appear before him. He jumps with shock. JAMES Oh, there you are. That was�quick. Well, what can you offer me then? VERA For the�er�the hard on, dear? JAMES Yes. ETHEL How about 50% ownership of the shop and�let�s say 20% of all profits? JAMES What? Vera races round the counter, grabs James and pulls him back behind the counter. Ethel takes his arm and they forcefully drag him into the back room. JAMES Ah! What are you doing? Let go of me! Let me go! Where are you taking me!? VERA We�re going to have something we�ve not seen for a long time, my darling! ETHEL (from back room) Let�s have a look at the little soldier then, shall we? VERA Ooh! Like a python, dear! In the main chemist, the phone rings again. Cut to an announcer in a suit sat behind a desk on a rough looking council estate. Just behind him, a large pole houses a PA system loudspeaker. A banner saying �Fourth Annual Council Estate Olympics� hangs. ANNOUNCER Hang on� |
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