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| EPISODE ONE: STAFF DEVELOPMENT |
| Puts phone down and calls to someone off screen. ANNOUNCER That�s not the coroner�s number! That�s the chemist! Honestly, these people ought to be shot� Realising he is on camera. ANNOUNCER Hello, and welcome to live coverage of the fourth annual council estate Olympic games, this year coming from the Moss Side Estate in Greater Manchester. Here, gangs of vigilante children from 5-17 from all over the world will compete to see who grab the most gold � in some events, literally � in this climax to the athletic year. This week�s event is ram-raiding, which this year is being competed in by thugs from Britain, America and Ireland. The American competitor, 12 year old Ralph Tierney obviously at a disadvantage here in his left hand drive Toyota, the home grown talent of Jason McCann from Blackburn and Dublin�s Kenny Malone being the only competitors in right hand drive. All these athletes learnt how to hot wire a car by the age of four, and two, McCann and Tierney, have been hardened smokers since the age of six � Malone discovered the delights of heroin when he was eight. All our competitors here failed drugs tests last night, so let�s get down to the track for the event, and commentator Paul Wallace. Cut to the main road leading into the estate, where the three cars are lined up ready to go. A referee stands just beside the cars with a flag. COMMENTATOR Yes, thank you Frank � here we are at the starting line, referee Joe Elwin ready to do the honours�the objective in this event of course, to be the first to ram raid the estate�s off license and grab as much as cash from the tills. The contestants will be judged on ramming style, amount of cash stolen and how well they beat off the opposition. Cut to three judges with clipboards sat in an armoured van watching the events over CCTV. They smile and wave at camera. COMMENTATOR And what�s this? Malone is off already before the flag is up! And�oh dear, there goes referee Joe Elwin! Cut to one of the cars jerking off the start line and squashing the referee, before veering out of control and crashing into a tree. COMMENTATOR The other two starting now, Tierney swerving to avoid Malone�s car�McCann overtaking, and oh! Both cars lining up to ram the window at the same time�this could be nasty�oh. Both cars try to bash into each other, but simply grate each other and grind to a halt. Both young drivers get out and start fighting. Cut back to announcer. ANNOUNCER Well, that event seems to have been called a draw by our judges, who�oh dear, it looks like our judges are in a spot of bother down there� Cut to armoured van the judges are in being rocked from side to side by gangs of errant children. And yes, it�s official now, there is no winner in the ram-raiding event! Oh dear, what a shame. I was looking forward to a right good flaming spectacle there. Oh well, from me and all the team here on Moss Side, join me same time next week when we�ll be focusing on Olympic Wanton Vandalism. The announcer gets up and runs off into the throng of kids rocking the judges van. Credits roll. As they do, the announcer gets in a fight with some rough looking kids who over power him and kick him to the floor. They push the judges van over. After credits have finished � cut back to Mr Nance, the dentist. He is slouched on the floor of his surgery next to Miss Hargreaves. Mr Nance now wears Miss Hargreaves� nurse outfit, and Miss Hargreaves is dressed as a penguin. MISS HARGREAVES I know you like dressing up and that, doctor, but isn�t this taking it a bit too far? MR NANCE I just�can�t take the pressure any more, Julia. MISS HARGREAVES It�s hot in this suit�I sometimes wonder how I let you talk me into this kind of thing. The phone rings. Miss Hargreaves gets up to answer it. She waddles back in the room and sits back down next to Mr Nance. Eventually, he says: MR NANCE Who was it? MISS HARGREAVES Someone wanting an appointment. A pause. MR NANCE (clapping hands) Have we got some morphine left? |
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