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| EPISODE ONE: STAFF DEVELOPMENT |
| MR GARRETT Thought not. I�ll ring for the coroner then, shall I? Mr Garrett picks up a phone and dials a number. An old lady (Ethel) in a chemist answers it. MR GARRETT Oh hello, is that the coroner? ETHEL Nah dear, this is the chemist. We don�t deal with stiffies, gawd knows I would if I could get me hands on one, but�sorry, I think you�ve got the wrong number, love. She slams the phone down and shakes her head. ETHEL Now what was I supposed to be doing? She calls out to the back of the shop. Vera? VE-RA!! Come out here a minute! VERA! Vera, Ethel�s sister, shuffles out from the back of the shop. She is hunched over and carrying a test tube of green substance. VERA Can I help you dear? ETHEL What was I doing a minute ago before the phone went, dear? VERA Ooh, I can�t remember that long ago, dear. ETHEL Well what are you doing? VERA What am I doing dear? ETHEL Yes dear. VERA I�m mixing up Mr Wallis� prescription. ETHEL What�s that green stuff in the test tube there? VERA Mr Wallis� prescription, I�ve just told you dear. ETHEL Is it that Viagra malarkey? VERA That�s blue, dear. ETHEL Well, I wouldn�t know, would I? I�m not a man! VERA You ought to know dear, you carry enough of them about with you when we go out to bingo! All in case you meet that Mr Harris from the Oldworth Road, I pity that poor bugger when you catch up with him! ETHEL Why�s that dear? VERA Always asking him if he managed to get it hard while he was doing his exercises on the common every morning! I�ve never been so embarrassed! You�ve brought a slur upon the family! ETHEL I just want a man who can�satisfy my desires, dear. VERA The amount of satisfaction you�ve had in your lifetime, I�m surprised you�re not sponsoring Snickers for gawd�s sake! A young man (James) who enters the small chemist shop nervously interrupts their conversation. Both old ladies peer over the counter approvingly at him. JAMES Excuse me� ETHEL Second shelf down, love! JAMES (confused) Oh� He moves over to the shelves behind him and begins to pretend looking for something. ETHEL That�s sanitary towels, dear! The young man turns round and acts surprised. JAMES Right. Erm, I was wondering if either of you could help me� VERA Yes dear? |
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