scriptone6

MR GARRETT (under his breath)
Stupid fucking cow.

Mr Garrett stands up and turns on the projector. He turns the lights off in the office and pulls the blinds down. A film begins on the projector and the camera cuts to the film.

CAPTION: A CAREER IN THE DEBT COLLECTION SECTOR.

CAPTION: LESSON ONE � LEARN THE F****** LINGO FOR F***�S SAKE
Quaint country scene, accompanied by �Moonlight Shadow� by Mike Oldfield. The film looks as if it was filmed in the 1960�s, is very crackly and has shoddy camera work. The camera moves over to where two cows are mating in a field. Simultaneously:

CAPTION: FUCK.

VOICE OVER
Fuck.

The captions disappear, and the film rolls again. The camera pan along the field past the two copulating cows and suddenly, the camera flies all over the place, as if the cameraman has fallen over. The cameraman gets back up and the shot returns to normal. The camera jerks down to where a pile of horse excrement can be seen, with a footprint clearly marked in it. The film freezes again.

CAPTION: SHIT.

VOICE OVER
Shit.

The film moves again. This time, a male horse wanders into shot, with it�s huge penis clearly visible swaying underneath it. The film freezes.

CAPTION: COCK.

VOICE OVER
Cock.

The film unfreezes again and there is more quaint countryside and �Moonlight Shadow�. Suddenly, a photograph of Osama Bin Laden replaces the quaint country scene. The film freezes.

CAPTION: BASTARD

VOICE OVER
Bastard.

CAPTION: LESSON TWO � BEING A COMPLETE BASTARD.

Quaint country scene, accompanied by twee �Archers� style music. The camera comes to rest on a thatched cottage nestling in near a pond, and a well maintained country garden with flower patches and vegetable garden. A woman in marigold gloves does some weeding.

VOICE OVER
An ordinary village, in an ordinary part of the beautiful Dorset countryside. Today is June 9th, Mrs. Edna Covington�s 69th birthday.

Camera close up on the woman doing her weeding.

VOICE OVER
How are you today, Mrs Covington. And happy birthday.

MRS COVINGTON
Ooh, thank you dear, I�m fine. Doing a bit of weeding before the sun goes in, we�ve been having very unpredictable weather this past few days, I used to say to my husband Reg before he passed away �

VOICE OVER
Yes, I�m sure, Mrs Covington. Are you aware you�re behind with your mortgage repayments?

MRS COVINGTON
Well, my Reg always used to deal with that side of things.

VOICE OVER
But Reg isn�t around any more, is he, Mrs Covington?

MRS COVINGTON (teary eyed)
No�

Mrs Covington breaks down crying. She puts her head in her lap.

VOICE OVER
Right boys � take over.

In speeded up film with �The Benny Hill Show� theme tune playing, a dirty white van screeches up outside Mrs Covington�s house, and a gang of around six hard looking debt collector�s in suits pile out. They stomp up her garden path, destroying her gate, and tearing down the wicker arch above the gate. They kick in her front door and emerge moments later with her sofa, cooker, fridge, freezer, television, and other furniture. They put the items in the back of the van, and then throw bricks at her windows and lob petrol bombs inside the house. They all get back in the van and drive off. Mrs Covington stares in shock and horror at what used to be her home, and collapses, crying.

VOICE OVER
That�s what you get for fucking with the debt collection department. Pay your bloody mortgage next time, woman. And cheer up for God�s sake � it�s your birthday.

CAPTION: PRODUCED IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE TRAINING AND LEARNING BOARD FOR DEBT COLLECTORS � AUGUST 1969.

The film flickers to an end and the camera cuts back to Mr Garrett�s office. He switches the machine off and takes his seat back at his desk.

MR GARRETT
I think we�ve seen enough to give you a flavour of what the job entails, Miss Faaquaa�Isobel. Any thoughts?

The camera cuts to Isobel, who is now a skeleton slumped in the chair, holding a handbag.