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| IF AIR JAMAICA WAS HIJACKED BY TERRORISTS: Hijacker: Everybody this is a hijack..no body moves or I'll blow up this plane to pieces Jamaican: Hey B**ty Bwoy siddung an mine a buss yuh rahtid head! A wi yaad wi a go an yuh a come blurtnaught talk bout hijack! Hijacker: I am serious ..don't try anything funny Jamaican boy Jamaican: Blood fyah unu hear di likle maama man a call big man bway .. Crowd: Bax dung di bway bredren ..Im dam outta arda an feisty! Lick im fi six my yout! A fight ensues.. The flight attendants cheer on. The captain hears the rumble.. he embarks from the cockpit. Captain: Hay Hey is what going on in here? Why unu beating up di farrin yout? Jamaican: Captain di bway noh come talk bout Hijack when im si seh people a try reach Kingston before midnight.. Captain: Hijack?!!! Jamaican: Yes Captain ..im claim seh im a come blow up di plane an rae rae an call big man bway afta mi tell im fi siddung..Mi all hav a Stone love dance fi ketch 7:30 tinite an di bway a try hole up progress! Captain: **KUFF!!!!** Hey lickle pimple face coolie bway yuh tink yuh can come on ya an tek ova MY plane. **KUFF** Siddung an quite yuself before a sail yuh tru di exit door. Flight Attendants .. if im get up outta dat seat fi di res a di flight mash up wan di rum bakkle ina im blastid head! Is why some a unu caan behave unuself dowe eeh ..cho! Crowd: **Applause**.. (Jeering) Serve yuh right! Yuh too tan bad ..waan come hijack wi plane afta wi serve yuh nice hat mout watering food. Dam brite! Wait til wi lan a Kingston. Hijacker: Are we there yet??????? lol... |
| Ever wonder if Jamaican buses were set up like Airlines with the flight attendant and captain giving safety instructions? Check dis out... Bus driver speaking on the intercom : "Welcome to Bus numba 40, running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct your attention to di Ducta who will instruct yuh on our safety and model features." ConDucta: "Hail up massive! We want you to know that you are riding on the safest bus dat run pan di Paipine to Down town route. The mogle of our bus is a 1980 Elcava, owned and operated by Rough Rider transports. Dis mogle can survive any adversities an cantravasies. As unu can si dis bus get nuff lick up an bad man shot it up nuff time an it still a drive like new! Dis bus seat up to 55 passengers, howeva, due to our commitment to hexcellent service, wi do not leave anybady straddling in di streets. So expect to have up to 140 people in yah by di time wi reach down town. During di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences. These are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain fram bawling out 'Lard Jesas mi dead now!' Our driva is an experience driva an will mek sure di axle an wheel noh bruck aff ina one a dem. But incase wi drap ina one an caan come out please do not climb troo di window dem til unu pay unu bus fare else I will shat unu r*ss wid mi 45. This bus not equipped with seat belts. Please hole on pon di railing when di bus a tun di carna dem. The bus is capable of driving pon 2 wheels around all corners and bends. When di bus a tun one wicked carna pon 2 wheelie, wi ask dat our seating passengers bear it if smaddy slide dung ina dem seat an squash yuh gainst di bus side. Our seating passengers may experience standing passengers loosing dem balance an falling ova pon unu .. please do not yell out, 'Hey batty bway, come off a mi R*ss Lap!' Dat may cause a serious shoot out! On exiting the bus please don't expect di bus to come to a full stop. Wi asking dat yuh hop off a di bus step skillfully .. if unu drap an lan pon unu backside an bruck sinting, Rough Rider noh response. This is NOT a non-stop journey. As a matta fact wi stop any which part wi waan fi stop, at every yaad gate - all ina miggle road wi stop. Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police incase of an unexpected police chase, the driva will be forced to increase the bus' normal speed from 100 ml/hr to 160 ml/hr. Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unu mout. Incase this bus is hijacked by a terrorist known as "pick pocket", hole di bway an murda im to r*ss. With that said, if wi reach down town ina one piece please prepare for new passengers fi shoob unu dung before unu can get off. Noh mine dem as seat kina ration. Tank yuh for teking di ireiest Rough Rider Elcava pon di route ..and hope you enjoy di ride. DRIVA - PRESS OUT!!" |
| **THINGS A WEST INDIAN MOTHER/GRANDMAMA TAUGHT** 1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Chile, just wait till we get home." 2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You goin get a good cut ass when we get home!" 3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE. "what di backside yu thinkin bout '? Answer me when me talk to you, Chile....doh talk back to me!" 4. My Mother taught me CONSEQUENCES. "If yu run cross de road an' a car lick yu dung, a goin' kill yu wid licks." 5. My Mother taught me THE VALUE OF EDUCATION. "If yuh doh go to school, yuh go be a tief, or walk an' pick up bottle." 6. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If yu tun over yuh eyelid an a fly pitch on it, it go stay so fi evva." 7. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD. "Is not one time monkey goin' want wife" 8. My Mother taught me ESP. "Yu tink a don't know what yu up to nuh?" 9. My Mother taught me HUMOR. "If yu don' eat food, breeze goin blow yu 'way." 10. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT. "Come an' tek yu beatin' like a man." 11. My Mother taught me about SEX. "Yu tink yuh just drop from da sky?" 12. My Mother taught me about GENETICS. "Yu jus' like yu fadda." 13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE. "When yu get to be as ol' as me, yu gwine understan'." 14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE. "One day wen yu have pickney, a hope dem treat yu de same way." |
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| Gwaan Mr. Wukka-Man |
| LINKS::: Enjoy!!!* Home Page The WebMistress Poetry Extreme Speak Patois Anansi Stories Jokes Musiz Zone blackplanet Eroticas Favorite Things Jamaican's Facts Links & Webrings |
| ~JAMAICAN` RUM~ A Jamaican is strolling down the street in Kingston and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Jamaican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anyting you want." The Jamaican begans tinking, "Well, I really like drinking rum." Finally the Jamaican says, "Is rum me like fi drink make me pee rum." yeah man. The Genie grants him his wish. When the Jamaican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. The ting look like rum. The ting smell like rum. He takes a taste and it is the best rum he has ever tasted. The Jamaican yells to his wife, "Beverly, Beverly, come quick nuh man." She comes running down the hall and the Jamaican takes another glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. Drink up woman is rum. Beverly is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best rum she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Jamaican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the two glasses. The result is the same, the rum is excellent and the couple drink until sun up. Friday night come and the Jamaican comes home and tells his wife, "Beverly tek one glass and we will drink rum." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Jamaica begins to pee in the glass when he done fill it im wife ask, "But Winston, Why is one glass tonite?" Winston raise the glass and say, "Because tonite my love, you drink from de bottle." |
| A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that. About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table." The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway." |
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| Vistors since 6/28/02 |
| There was an old preacher who was dying, so he sent for a lawyer and an IRS agent from his congregation. The lawyer and the agent were puzzled, since neither had been a close friend to the preacher. As the two men entered the dying man's room, the preacher motioned for them to sit on either side of his bed. Then he grasped their hands, sighed contentedly and stared at the ceiling. No one said anything. Finally the lawyer asked the preacher, "Why did you ask the two of us to come to your deathbed?" "Jesus died between two thieves," the preacher answered, "and that's how I want to go too." |
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| ~*Jamaican Court Room~* A Jamaican country prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand --- a trail, a grandmotherly, elderly woman named Miss Ivy. He approached her and asked "Miss Ivy, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes me noe yu Missa Williams. Me know yuh since yu ah young bwoy an quite frankly, yu ah one big disappointment. Yu lie, yu use fe tief bokkle and bruk people shap; yu gie yu wife bun, yu manipulate people an talk su-su pan dem behine dem back. Yuh tink say yu a big shat, an yu no noe say yu a go come to nutten. Dat fool-fool brains yu ave mek yu a two-bit papa pusha. Yes, me noe yu - yu liad good fe nutten...." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Miss Ivy, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes mi do. Mi noe Missa Bradley since 'im was a bwoy, too. Mi use to put on im nappy wen 'im piss it up. An 'im too is a reel disappointment. 'Im lazy, 'im a batty man, 'im a drunk areaddy, an 'im caan bild a normal relationship wid woman-cause a battyman sinting. 'Im law practice is de wos inna de entiya Parish. Not fe mention 'im cheat pan 'im wife wid tree diffrent man. 'Im ongle married dat nice lady cause 'im no waan people fe know say 'im like man. Yes, me know 'im." The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If any a oonu axe har if she noe me, oonu a go a jail fe contempt." |
| **Taxes Crosses** An old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from Foreign. The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest, which read: Dear Mama and Papa: Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral down deh inna Jamaica. Sarry seh mi couldn't mek di funeral cause a seh di expenses dem too high. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body: 12 can a Bully Beef 12 bottle a Posner Shampoo 12 bottle a Posner Conditioner 12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion 12 tube a Colgate toothpaste Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa. Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem. Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem. Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite), jus devide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district. Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem. Puncie also have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck. Di Swiss diamond watch yu did ask mi fa is on Puncie's left wrist and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where dem suppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem before anybody come fi view di body. I hope yu get everyting alright. Di damn politician dem mek yu haffe thief all kina way fi get in yu likkle tings dem. God bless yu and keep yu, Your loving daughter, Babsie P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury inna. |
| ~TIGHT SKIRT ~ A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step up. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. The Skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more. She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus. She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!!" The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!" |
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| BIG BWOY an' GEE GEE One morning Big Bwoy did late fi school so 'im ride 'im father donkey, 'Gee Gee', go a school. Him did in such a hurry dat him nevah tie di donkey propaly. Well, guess wha happen? In di midst a spelling class, Gee Gee get loose. Big Bwoy frighten so till wen him look out a di window an see di donkey a gallop wey. Meanwhile, di teacher ask de class, 'Children, how do you spell egg?' Big Bwoy nah listen di teacher, him only waan di donkey fi stop, so him shout out, 'EE GEE GEE!'. |
| *COMPOSITION CLASS * Big Bwoy inna composition class an di teacher ask 'im fi mek a sentence wid 'defence, defeat and detail'. Guess wha Big Bwoy say? 'De dawg jump over de fence an de feet go before de tail' |
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| 2 guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "Rodeo." The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it. The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style." Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, "Your sister likes this position too"........Then try to hang on for 8 seconds....lol |
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| ~Excerpt from a Rasta Interview~ A researcher was interviewing a Jamaican Rastafarian on cultural topics. Here is an excerpt from the interview. Reasercher: to Rasta "95 percent of Jamaican men suck pum, pum.... Rasta: "I man nuh do dem things deh...." Reseacher: "The other 5 percent are battymen..." Rasta: "Squeeze me bak inna di 95 percent..." |
| **COME BACK NOW YUH HEAR!!!!** |
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