By Tony Daniels
Hello! Neighborhood Watch President Tony Daniels here again with another safety tip for Pine Oaks residents. You know, a lot of people in this area go on vacation in August, so I thought I�d pass along some advice for anyone who�ll be out of town for long stretches of time.
First � cancel your newspaper. If a criminal sees a pile of unread newspapers in front of your house, it�s like an open invitation to break in without having to commit attempted murder when you wake up and try to defend yourself and your home from intruders. You can always resubscribe when you get home.
Second � set your lights on a timer. Nothing is more suspicious than a house that�s dark 24/7. Just purchase one from any hardware store (I�m sure even Stillman�s carries them; are you happy now, Jim?), and set it so that your lights are on from 6-8:30 AM, and from 5:30-11 PM. That way, crooks will think you�re at home, taking to your usual schedule, nothing amiss.
Third � leave a key for us. If you leave a spare key � under the doormat, under a flower pot, under a doormat with pictures of flowers on it, myself or one of my trained Neighborhood Watch technicians will come by every other day to check on your house and make sure no one has stolen your stereo, television, cable, DVD player, bed, or food. And here�s another tip: I�m a big fan of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
Fourth � purchase cardboard cutouts. You know that scene in Home Alone where that weird kid used cardboard cutouts of famous people to pretend like his whole family�s at home? Well it worked, didn�t it? At least for a little while. And they don�t even need to have a party. You could have one sitting on your couch, pretending to read your canceled newspaper, while another one stands in front of the stove cooking non-existent pancakes (or, if you must, crepes).
If you keep these four things in mind (five, really � don�t forget chocolate chip cookie dough!), your home will remain safe, and you�ll gain peace of mind on your vacation.
By Julian Richards
Fellow citizens �
I write to you today to call attention to a disturbing fact about our neighborhood. I fear that were I not to pen this editorial, my fellow Pine Oaks residents would succumb to the danger that lurks in our very neighborhood. Namely, the local grocery store is a sham. More than that, it is a menace that must be thwarted at any and all cost.
The other day I was cooking dinner when I noticed the recipe called for Brussels sprouts. And, I realized, I was fresh out of the particular kind of Brussels sprout that I favor, that which grows in the Walloon region of Belgium (a jokester might be tempted to call them Walloon sprouts, but then humor is the last refuge of the ignorant). Time being of the very essence, I dashed to the nearest store, the Shop-tastic Supermarket, only to find they exclusively carry Brussels sprouts from�California? I would no sooner eat California Brussels sprouts that I would my cat�s food, high grade that it is.
But this is not the supermarket�s only transgression. Indeed, one would be wise to call it not a �super� market, but rather a well received-market. Items they also lack include such staples as fu-jona-licious apples (a fuji-jonathan-red delicious hybrid); spelt manicotti shells, white asparagus, grape leaves made with brown rice, winter kumquats, and Icelandic chocolate. And I refuse to buy blueberries that come packaged together, rather than being available separately. Clearly this grocery is not serving the needs of its community, and it is no wonder that other fine stores with more civilized fare have begun to take their business. As I have explained to the misguided souls standing in front of the Shop-tastic, any store that does not stock its shelves with the fines of products and ingredients does not deserve to prevent its owners from claiming bankruptcy, as if that were the truth. The only bankruptcy at Shop-tastic is on its shelves. So the next time I am in search of Peruvian nectarines, I will take my business elsewhere, and you should do the same.
Community Voices...p. 4
Founder's Day Information...p. 3
Neighborhood Watch...p. 4
Message from the President...FRONT
Pine Oaks Book Club...p. 2
Welcome Wagon...FRONT
This Month in Pine Oaks...FRONT
Young Person's Perspective...p. 5
Julian Richards