by Jon Lewallen
Planning Your First Art Show
Hello, and welcome. I see you�ve decided to put on an art show. That�s very brave of you, particularly in today�s fast-paced climate. Some might say that the art show is a dead enterprise. These kids today are more interested in competitive eating contests and 4-H exhibitions, at least so they say. Still, your commitment to art shows, and art show-goers, is to be admired. Since this will be your first art show, let�s start at the beginning.
What Art?
The first step of the multi-step process known as Planning Your First Art Show is a question. What kind of art would you like to show? Oil paintings? Sculpture? Woodcuts? Faberge egg substitutes? Mosaics? Sculpture? Bronze works? Still life? Found art? Watercolors? Charcoal? Portraiture? Sculpture? The possibilities are limited. One good way to make a decision is go to your local museum (or as I like to call it, �the biggest art show in your town�) and see what they have. See what strikes your fancy. See what strokes your Fonzie. Once you�ve made your decision, you�ll be the one saying, �ayyyyyyyyy.�
Where Art?
Much like the first step, the second step in Planning Your First Art Show involves a question. Where should you hold your art show? For most people, the answer to this is, �the gallery that I, or ideally my acquaintance, owns.� For many people, however, owning an operating an art gallery is infeasible, as is having acquaintances. So these people must start from scratch. Choose a room with sources of both direct and indirect light, plenty of wall space, and, if the show requires it, some floor space as well. For most people, this will be their dining room.
Finding an Audience, or, �Alternatives to Hijacking the local nursing home�s �Senior Shuttle.��
So now you have your art, you have your venue, and now all you need are some patrons. Art patrons are one of the world�s greatest resources, like timber or children. But where to find them? Why, wherever you want, silly! Art patrons don�t have to be anyone special. They can be friends, neighbors, co-workers who feel sorry for you, or family members who feel sorry for your co-workers. Print up flyers advertising your art show. The flyers should include information like the location and the time, plus a picture you cut out of a magazine then write post-punk lyrics over to make it �ironic.� Also, each flyer should include a brief, handwritten note from you telling everyone how desperate you are for them to come to this, your first art show. The more desperate the note, the greater your audience!
The Night in Question
It�s the big night. Everyone�s been talking about it for hours, and now it�s finally here. Your First Art Show. But what will they do while they�re standing around in your dining room? They can�t just look at art. There should be music, and food, too. Hire a local college student to play the cello over a tape of pre-recorded highway sounds. Befriend a local caper distributor and buy in bulk. The ambience of the evening is as important to the success of your show as the art. No, more important. About 55/45 ambience to art.
Saying Goodbye
Well, the hour grows late, and your very first art show is drawing to a close. It�s been a fun evening, hasn�t it? The ladies are collecting their furs, the gentlemen their monocles and driving gloves. But wait, the night isn�t over yet. As the host of this art show, it�s your job to drink too much bourbon and stand at the doorway, berating everyone who leaves for either not buying anything, or not really understanding what the art represented. Once you�ve done that, you can black out and collapse in the found wheelbarrow with a broken wheel representing the decline of the agrarian society, secure in the knowledge that you have Planned Your First Art Show.
�Planning Your First Art Show� is the latest in the �Planning Your First�� series. Other volumes include:
Planning Your First Mexican Restaurant
Planning Your First Tenement Housing Complex
Planning Your First Fence and Gate Repair
Planning Your First Carjacking
Planning Your First Treatise on Tatar Philosophy vis-�-vis the Polis
Planning Your First Shopping Spree
Planning Your First Court-Ordered House Arrest
Planning Your First Sandwich
Neighborhood Watch...p. 2
Message from the President...FRONT
Pine Oaks Book Club...p. 2
Welcome Wagon...FRONT
This Month in Pine Oaks...FRONT
Young Person's Perspective...p. 4