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GO CHICAGO EDITION or OBSERVATIONS ON THE WINDY CITY .
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Fucking ass shit I am a lazy slob
Vocabulary
HowYaDoin - Greeting - this is how people in chicago say hi, they really couldnt give two shits about how you are really doing but they ask anyway. This is also really weird to here from a seventy year old Indian (the dot kind) who has a horrible accent, but somehow also has a chicago accent WTF
WHOURES - N - Back to the old ways of talking again pronounce all them letters kids because this town is full of fucking WHOURES
Da Bears - N - The suckiest team that ever sucked, oh except for White Sox what a bunch of fucking pussies
Mother of Pearl - Adv - Another throwback has become a popular way of not swearing at work when fine ass bitches walk by with see thru shirts on because those are surprisingly popular in Chi town
Totally Sweet - Adj - And by that I mean totally cool.
Wailing - V - Ahhh wailing how I miss you the general term for playing Halo to all hours of the night. Against people with names like Dirt, Talon, Camel Killer, Pieux, Billy-O and Bob.
Product Reviews
I like this feature so it stays
SOUL CALIBUR 2 - Fighting game goodness personafide anyone whos played it or the original knows what I'm talking about. Anyone who hasnt is a dipshit. ASTAROTH big mean scary surprisingly fast its almost like I'm cheating.
CANDLEBOX - Theisen is with me on this one Far Behind is the best song ever and no one can tell me any different. WOOOO LAKE HENERY SPORTSMANS DEN... waiting in November until three in the fuckass morning for Theisen to stop banging skanks and come pick me up.....ooooh FUCKER
MOVING TO CHICAGO - Totally fucking overrated this place sucks ass. Why would so many people with nothing in common ever want to live in the same place.
VODKA - I'm ashamed to say it but I think I am finally actually alergic to my old faithful puke in the laundry room of 3rd Thompson drink. Oh Well Whiskey never steered me wrong.
GAMES PLUS - The dorkiest dork store that ever dorked. PERIOD!
Go there believe me
PUMAS - Seriously anyone who doesnt have a pair yet kick yourselves in the nuts.
THE VIKINGS - shit yeah 16-0 super bowl bound baby just like every other year since the begining of time.
THE TWINS - hey waddaya know another world series championship coming up, and if you thought i meant those hot ass beer twins theyre pretty cool i guess if youre into that sorta thing
Moving
There is nothing actually gayer (and I mean the bad gay like HOMOSEXUAL) in the history of the world than the actually physical act of picking up all of your shit and moving it all to a new location. Whether that location be a block a mile or half way across the country, we all know it moving sucks. Now to discuss the finer points of moving across country. Part One - ASS REAMING, uh I mean renting a moving truck. Goodbye SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS you know I never really wanted you anyway, a new xbox would have sucked. Oh so once your balls are dragged across the floor for that kinda money you get the joy of piloting the giant best on the open higways of America the Beautiful (READ BLASTED WISCONSIN LANDSCAPE FULL OF ROAD CONSTRUCTION AND WONDERFUL WISCONSIN DELLS BILLBOARDS it is honestly as if the people of wisconsin god bless them think that the dells are the 8th wonder of the world judgeing by the billboards for the damm place). Yeah so in short Uhaul trucks aside from being totally inexpensive handle surprisingly well.
PART TWO PHYSICALITY - But I forgot the other other other best part of actually carting all of our shit into the fucking truck, not the trucks fault but still sucks ass. After having your wife tell you youre an idiot who knows nothing at all a bunch of times you can finally lock the fucker up and get on the road. - Shit time out I'm getting a beer, but JASON its 9:00 in the morning uhhhhhhhh -
PART THREE - Drive drive pee drive drive pee drive gas drive pee drive drive gas pee drive eat drive get lost in suburbs arrive 12 hrs later. Yeah August what a great time to move. So we get here and its ninety five degrees outside, now to haul all our shit up three flights of stairs to our new apartment. Basically two days later and many husband youre an idiots later were here. Totally awesome our furniture was so dirty from me sweating on it we had to go rent a steam cleaner so I could clean them (IDIOT) yeah basically the best of all things are summed up in moving. Frugality, Compassion, Understanding, and Ease of operation these are some of the greatest of all qualities that humans and machines together can produce and when moving you get to see them all. The only upside is not having to do it for another year and eating gas station hot dogs the whole way.
Driving
Yeah like you didnt see this one coming. With my extened love for people and women of all races and creeds especially when they are behind the wheel of a car you knew this would really get my goat. So in chicago I have noticed that there are a whole lot of middle eastern guys and gals, but things are a lot calmer here than in say Beruit. No one actually strapps bombs on their asses and runs into a busd station. The only terrorist attack we have here a strictly vehicular. Yesterday the Shah of Iran himself ran me off the road, but i couldnt tell if it was an act of aggression against me and my free amercian ways or if a single wayward gust of wind caused his towel to blow in front of his face temporarily obscuring his vision. Traffic lights and laws are strictly for sucks here. The Po-po doesnt give a fuck theyre just happy about the 61 million dollar crack bust they made last week at a local suburban house "owned" by a couple of illegal immigrants from mexico (insert own mexican drug running / hard working joke here) so they really cant be expected to pull anyone over for anything other than actually killing someone at 10 a.m with your car while driving on an expired license while shit ass drunk and an open forty of old schekies 900 malt liquor to get arrested for a traffic violation
POP QUIZ was the gentleman in question A:White or B:Black. Trick question as he was indeed unemployed and black, but in the new bush economy the whole idea of being unemployed and drunk at 10 in the morn is pretty atractive to a lot of people. Old and stupid alike have no clue how to drive signals, horns and middle fingers are all you could ever need. Seriously who on earth thinks they can make a left turn out of a business onto Milwakee ave in rush hour traffic only the one guy in his escalade two days gone. Seriously anyone with enough money to afford a 70,000 dollar auto should at least be smart enough to make a fucking right and go around the block to a stop light where you might have a chance in hell of getting to turn. of course that does all hinge on wether or not people feel like parking in the intersection while waiting for the light from two blocks down, or maybe just not stopping for the red that they are already facing. here comes a train BIG AMERICAN PAARTY EVERYONE HAVING VERY GOOD TIME DRIVING IN CHICAGO.
WORK, DUH
Yep pretty sure work blows more ass than anything ever. Remember the part where I am racially tolerant. Yeah the general rule at Morton Grove Menards is that if you are from eastern europe, china, japan, korea, india, saudi arabia, and other godforsaken lands and have lived in the country for less than three years you can feel free to come in rip everything to shit be rude buy nothing then leave. Or maybe we offer some kind of discount. i dont know maybe the home deopot four blocks away has some USA A OK law that wont let them in there so they have to come visit me. Yeah for eveyone that doesnt know I dont work at a toy store any more. The only good things at work are that a lot of people have too much money and dont really care and i get a 2% spiff on special orders so I can make some fat cash when dumbasses order ugly fucking bathroom sets for 3,000 dollars. plumbing sucks balls but so does not having my own toy store, fuck if they think i'm gonna be some other dipshits assistant they are way fucking stupid. Other than that my new boss is cool he was a navy seal or an army ranger or some shit and he got to shoot a bunch of people from very far away and then blow shit up, and he isnt the most tolerant of stupid people either.
SLUTS
OH YEAH YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT mad fucking sluts in this town everywhere and all they want is giant american penis so very big. Stupidly they seem to think I have one, or care about their dirty bitch asses. you know when i was young, single, and an all around party dude i didnt care, so what makes them think i'd be interested now that I am old boring and responsible.
I'm gonna post this now, may revise and add more if the moment comes but i gotta finish my brew and drive my shit to the train station to pick up wife. out
Seriously though folks no one mentioned in the above stories should take any tales of how gay they are, how dumb they are, or any of that such seriously, i dont do this to hurt i do it for enjoyment of others and to vent maybe a little frustration and the same applies to any ethnic types who may think me a bit odd just let it slide man besides stupidity isnt exclusive to anyone type of person it runs deep in most of us.
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