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Yeah so y'all know I'm getting married in a month or so. Yeah me, what the fuck heh.
Vocabulary
Ass Handle - N - Much worse than an ass; a full out ass handle.
Ass Hammer - N - When you try to say ass handle all the time and then get sick of it so you start saying ass hammer.
Fiik - Adv - When you are at work and want to say fuck, just say fiik, oh fiik why must i work today on my day off oh yeah because work sucks fiiking ass.
Gheeedi - Adv - Just a goot sound word should be used in football for squeezeing through tight spaces or just plain anything that scares you. You see someone get their head cut off by ninjas you would say "AH Gheedi"
Totally Sweet - Adj - And by that I mean totally cool.
Wail - V - To wail, in general to kick ass to be sweeter than sweet etc. etc. in general the opposite of pirates.
Intellegence Attack GO! - Adv - A reference from pokemon in which you have to yell at your stupid animals to tell them which attacks to use. Intellegence attack can be used by anyone but mostly by stitchy as he is the best at it. Kinda like I used to be back in the day. "Hey guy I'm a sexy lady want to go over into that dark room where there would be no one but us" "Duuh but the keg is out here, hey where ya going" thats a good example of an intellegence attack at full power.
Product Reviews
PEPSI BLUE - Who the fuck invented this shit? I can honestly say that if I was a big enough dumbass to beileve in government conspiracies that this would be one of them. GO Pepsi intellegence attack, Coke wasn't kicking your ass by enough, or maybe you are just different from other mega corporations and hate to make money. Jesus Christo obviously what the world needs is a blue soda that tastes exactly like piss.
DR PEPPER RED FUSION - Now youre busy set up thinking that I would hike up and tear a new ass into another experimentally shitty soda, but wrong again my ole friends. This shit is so good and addictive it should be illegal everywhere except for like Vegas and Canada.
AUDIOSLAVE - Who wails harder than Rage Against the Machine, or Chris Cornell, no one except maybe Chris Cornell and Rage Against the Machine. Check them out
GO NOW!
REAL ULTIMATE POWER - Yeah a new and funnier than shit inspiration in my life and in my site, hey anyone who can pork as many babes as Robert Hamburger must be totally sweet. Check it out Learn the ways of Ninjitsu!
BAILEYS BIRTHDAY - Truly Stupid and Fun see below for details.
ITS SNOWING OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW - About fucking time we havent had a decent winter since the flood, and as we all know that was the best winter ever with more snow and snow days than you can shake a fucking stick at, snoball fights, king of the hill, oh yeah and leveling alex while playing snow football.
PUMAS - One last shameless plug for my favorite shoes, Pumas with the fat laces. I jacked wife into getting me a pair for the wedding so as soon as the dance starts I'm chucking my fucking rentals and puting on some new Pumas red and white to match our colors fucking sweet, but enoough run around and down to fucking business.
OH YEAH INSIDER TIPS FOR TOYS TO SELL FROM YOUR TRUNK THIS CHRISTMAS
Care Bears - yes they made a comeback and are retardedly huge.
Bey Blades - they are fucking tops people wake the fuck up.
Zip Zaps - R/C cars the size of Hot Wheels.
Fur-Real Friends - battery operated cats basically a realisticly furby for the mentally challenged.
Yu-Gi-Oh - a card game about a Tv show about a card game, perfect.
Baileys Fucking Birthday
OK so I admit I knew I would get in trouble, but I fucking did it anyway. Baileys big and mean and when he says were going drinking on my birthday like we used to I say OK. Wife says that I don't get out of bed by 8 o clock for a normal day, and she was right this was anything but a normal day. Normal days usually dont include dancing to "we be clubbin" by 11 a.m. with fat joes hands all up on my ass.
Ok anywho I get in the fucking tahoe at 7:57 or so in the morning and we proceed to go to Mcmenomies for 3 for 1's because thats the best deal for a.m. getting plowed. So i start with some windsor cokes mostly for the caffiene, what a fucking dumbass i am. Nope no beer for me, well after a whole mess a whiskey there we decide to leave and hit big daddys and do some shots. Well that joint isnt open yet because its still before 9 am. Off to johnnies we go. Well if youve ever seen the jukebox at johnnies you know what happened next. I started the lesson and Hank Sr. got me feeling even better. Then i went pee and we left. Back to big daddies. The bartender liked us because we were the only ones there, and we tipped him so he gave us some free shots. WOOOOO. then we went to judys it was sweeet we were gonna get our assses kicked by some bikers, but then we knew the leader. Score.
Somehow we got the the rock. then it gets fuzzy we were at the rock for food, because they had dollar burgers. Food will save me I was thinking. Actaully I wasnt thinking, so then i was gay dancing with fat joe for a while then i gay danced and ate some burgers and died. also we got t-bone to come with too. i actually died. then we might have gone to the longhaul or to fat joes place i dont know. but we added a girl lenay or some shit to the party and i dont remember the name of the guy so i will call him richie cause he reminded me of richie. then we went to rumors yeah and i had some beers and a whole mess of nachos while i watched the sioux lose their homecoming game on tv. pussies who loses on homecoming to Saint Cloud State fuck beans. then bailey and i went to the changer import store which was cool but scary because of how drunk we were and how expensive the shit there was.
yeah this was getting interesting since the beer brought me back to life we then went to southgate, which i called speedway and wrote my check out to speedway. and somewhere in there Koz showed up, or maybe i thought he did fuck i was so shit hammered it wasnt even fair. i had switched to windsor waters by then oh yeah. we played bingo it was sweet until richie told fat joe that he had a bingo but was too drunk to have marked off the numbers so while fat joe was checking the big board some old lady called bingo and all hell broke loose. Fat joe figured out that he did have a bingo somewhere around six numbers ago and had a shit fit about losing 300$ dollars. so we left with fat joe bitching about something like "Fuck it its only southgate its not like i'm a regular fuckedy fuck".
LONG STORY HUH?
From there the party passes on to applebee's yeah thats some funny shit, the game is out and anyone who wants a decent meal goes to applebees for a nice quite dinner. Then we show up. whole mess of whiskey some rumplemize and a stolen shot glass later we decide we have worn out our welcome. off to the highlander. oh the lander, i was drunk enought to start playing some blackjack so i did. i was actually quite good i won a whole mess of money which i gave to the dealer and bought some fags some drinkgs because they were cool enough to be playing blackjack with me. so we go to charlie browns. everyone is so shit faced its not even. funny fat joe is driving i dont remember going. eventually its about 9 pm or so and ive died three times or so but am back on my feet and in the tahoe. until fat fuck takes off at the speed of light causeing me who is sitting in the way back to sustain a mild skull fucking at the hands of the back window. somewhere in all this mess i find fat joes gay ass racketball glove which i start to wear as my drinking glove.
TO THE EDGE.
At the edge the ape and eamon were working so i helped the ape set shit up upstairs while i played blackjack downstairs and got drunker by telling stories and making friends and drinkign booze and macking on sluts. yeah so anywho upstairs opens and eamon brings out the shots, i buy forty dollars worth in the course of an hour and drink them along with everyone else, oh yeah and some random people who i decided to be friends with. "give that guy a shot and him to he looks thirsty, oh yeah and the whore give her one too. thats right whore take your shot. then fat joe and i danced like fags some more. i think i told some people i was loaded then i needed fresh air so i went outside.
Precious outside since i was standing outside of a bar i decided to check i.d.s for them which i did and it worked well, so i started to charge a cover which surpriseingly worked good too, so as soon as i got some cash for a cover i then went back in and got more shots and danced like a fag and called whores whores, then i needed fresh air again so i rallied outside some more and then my wife showed up and i was hugging some whore and i checked her id before i relaized it was her then in ten minutes we went home. I threw up all night and all day it sucked fat ass. the checks i wrote were fucking hilarious you couldnt read a fucking thing. oh yeah speaking of which i spent all the money i had and then some. Oh negative check book balance why are you so sweet. yeah it was pretty much the kinda shit that got me kicked out of Fargo. I am so smart S-M-A-T, S-M-A-R-T.
WORK, DUH
Yes i understand everyone fucking hates work, or else work would be called something else like fun. Yeah so like i said i hate work. about two weeks ago somewhere in the work sent me to San Jose california to make a shitty toy store run right, well due the airplanes and shit i got to spend four hours in boise idaho the only good part of that was i had never been to idaho before. so anyway i get there and my boss (One of my thousands of bosses) susan
picks me up and takes me to the store. What a shit hole honestly an actual pit of stupidity. within the first hour as if God himself was reaching down to smite me a little kid was running down the aisle until he ran straight into a fucking post and gashed his forehead wide ass open causeing blood to shoot everywhere and the kid to cry and the parents to freak and the aunts to call uncles and lawyers and grandparents because hiSPanIC americanS believe in huge ass families. I passed the buck on that one, umm talk to my boss. Bullet dodged. The whole place was a shit hole, i could write some type of senior thesis on how crappy it was but just imagine a KB store where they had a contest only for mentally challenged people, the winners got to work in the toy store. Thats pretty much what happened. It stank ass bad. So i was there for a week breaking my back for shits and giggles, oh yeah and for a whole shit ton of overtime to alievate the finiancial strain of being a soak on baileys birthday.
I get back to my own store the then bastion of normality that it is. All i have to deal with now is Nuckers, lots of fucking nuckers looking for Bey Blades, or b beetles, or b buzzers, or bad blues, or whateverthefuck they are EH! Another good one is YU-GI-OH its a Tv show about a kid who plays a card game, its also a card game about the tv show about a card game, and action figures that come with card games, and video games about card games about a Tv show about a card game. Fucking shoot me please. Oh for the simple days of pokemon and furbys. Oh yeah and old people God bless em get dumber all the time they still think that we are the dollar store.
And dont even get me started on coworkers, now that I am in aposition of authority it isnt cool for me to lambaste people on here as it could get me in trouble...........................BUT OH the baby will you ever get laid, oh stitch will you ever come to work not hung over, or at least leave the baby alone for a while, oh tammy will you write a decent schedule that doesnt change every day, oh new kids when will you ever learn anything so i can bitch about different stuff other than you just not knowing anything because your new, oh sam will you ever get ungrounded so you can come to work some more, oh everyone will you at least pretend you would like the store to look as nice as i do, oh me will i ever quit bitching and pissing and moaning about work YES. Because there is one redeeming thing about it Singing and Dancing Hank Williams Jr. he sings Family Tradition, and Born to Boogie. If it werent for country music I'd go crazy.
WEDDINGS
Men folk pay attention we are supid very stupid and women are crazy so those to things make for a highly combustible mixture so if you ever plan on getting married boys dont plan on planning because it will get you killed learn the words YES DEAR. Don't try to do anything more than you have to, of course that gets you in trouble for being lazy and not helping. Just sit down and sign a contract with your wife to be
I your name here promise to help you to the best of my abilities in planning our wedding, as long as you relize the only abilities that count here are having money, being able to lift things, and sometimes shaking my head in a consenting manner.
Thats what we should all do, lift stuff, mail things, get tuxes, and get our friends addresses, and thats about it. Face it men its all we are capable of remember all the weddings you've been to. Your answer kinda sorta a few were a little fuzzy. A woman's answer would be more to the tune of yes, at blah blahs blah they had blah blah and for dinner they had blah blah blah and their dj was about six feet tall with blah blah blah blah horrible dress, nice corsages, and on and on and on. we drank and had fun ready go. At least this is what i have learned from talking to my friends who have gotten married, my own experience had been far different joy after joy in fact especially the parts where we have to go to church and church meetings instead of having the preist just burn the heathen/lutheran out of me with hot pokers. Very seriously though I love my wifey and all that stuff was intended for humor only and i can't wait for our wedding and I hope everyone whos anyone can be there see you all next time.
Seriously though folks no one mentioned in the above stories should take any tales of how gay they are, how dumb they are, or any of that such seriously, i dont do this to hurt i do it for enjoyment of others and to vent maybe a little frustration and the same applies to any ethnic types who may think me a bit odd just let it slide man.
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