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Yeah this sucka is done enjoyz.
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Well hello again everyone I want to begin by saying this better work again or else. Although I do have a Brainstorm here to help angry me up quick I like to call it whiskey-coffee. Anywho I suppose were off again on another mis-adventure.
Vocabulary
Apeish - Adj - The quality of being like or unto an Ape, the most notable qualities possesed by these beasts is intelligence, cleanlyness, slim althletic figures, and of course friendly nature.
Bitchbag - N - More than a regular bitch as in a whole bag full of bitches, it originally spawned off of cunt bag.
Elipu - N - The correct Japanese pronunciation of my evil twin brother so instead of yelling " runa issa goozzirra" you can now yell "oh no arook out issa ELIPU" "oh no Elipu, Elipu,". Oh god I hope I didn't offend anyone.
Houk - N - Any type of random creature seen while playing Halo, or just running around, also when you add an a to the end it makes a great last name. exs. Dang ole houks. Stitch houka.
MaaachNaaa - N - An easy way to point things out to others. ex. Look at the big titty bitch over MaaachNaa. Also anything dealing with the color brown. ex. Not so much machnaa as machnaaaa. Variable lengths lend this word add great versitility, it also helps if you have a brown arm for visual references.
Really really really really really rediculusly - Adj - The ultimate amount of something. ex. I used to be really really really really really ridicululusy smart. But as we all know I am now a dumb ass.
Spoo - N - The actual personification of spooty. ex. This whiskey-coffee tastes like spoo.
Spooty - Adj - Anything at all pertaining to the quality of sucking ass and or generally sucking, i.e. Episode 2 sure was a spooty movie.
That dang ole - Adj - Good way to describe any of your enemies. ex. That dang ole whiskey. That dang ole Llama. That dang ole stitch houka.
Getting around to doing this shit
So let me tell ya what. First off I haven't made one of these pages in oh lets say two and one half years, and as you all know I am one lazy peice of crap so getting up enough energy to do this was a big time pain in my ass. Lets see I have to get some new pages up and running, perfectly or else there is bitching, whining and don't forget the ever important crying like a whinny little bitch. Then there is the fact that if these aren't as funny as those I'm gonna hear about it. Well as Mongo well knows I'm not gonna be doing anything else ever again as I am now even more poor than shit. So I guess I will have the time to do this up again like in the olden days. That doesn't change the fact that this is some tough shit to do. I'm not my fuckin brother for fucks sake, you know him little, never says anything, two white arms, in school for web site design, yeah thats the guy. So not only am I technically deficient for doing this I am way older and less prone to anger. "How much older can you be Pile?" Well since the times of my earliest writings I have aged three actual human years, but for two of those years I was still in hardcore drunken pig style of living which means, eating out of dumpsters, drinking for breakfast and I don't mean slim fast, sleeping in jockstraps in the hallways of fat chicks apartment buildings, hardcore battle royales, all that fun shit you all remember from your wilder days as well. So what that all means is that I am at least 35 years old in Pile years, because every day lived in drunk mode equals roughly 3.1595673 days in actual time. Older = slower, dumber, weaker, fatter, so on and so on. Those things don't make it easy for this old dog to try new tricks, or even to recall old tricks. Honestly whens the last time I even got kicked in the nutz for fucks sake. The only thing I have going for me right now is this whiskey-coffee and that dang ole Hank Williams III music coming out of my puter making me reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyrediculusly ornery. Yeah so there you have it I am forced to turn to performance enhancing drugs to be able to even attempt to put out quality material. Do you see what you've driven me to, you fuks ought to be ashamed for yourselves. Allright I seem to have captured some of my old glory with my usual tactics whine alot and then blame everyone else for my own problems, gets this shit outta my head and into your eyes and then makes me feel better because none of it is really my fault its so simple it should be illegal.
The Power of Whiskey
You all know what I am talking about, the way that damm power of whiskey which will often compell you to drink whiskey. As you all know I found my vitamin W stride way back around my 22nd birthday when a few early morning vitamin Ws straight from the mouth of the Loehr-snake who by the way speaks with a forked tongue especially when it comes to fire water. Throughout the next few years I quickly realized that the less coke you have in your windsor cokes the better they are. Well it took a move to Grand Forks to teach me that you can cut out this problem simply by cutting out coke, or anything else for that matter. This is only for special occasions though, on a normal evening a true gentleman will drink his flavor of whiskey on the rocks, or maybe with a little water in there just enough so that it looks like your tap is shootin out that damn dirty water. Most of the time you can keep yourself alive, but sometimes the whiskey just eats you alive and you can't have enough. You could never get enough, in fact you want so much you will bite a man's face off just to get some more. Then even worse are the times when you get off of work and your driving home to go to sleep so you can wake up and go to work, but what is this your friends call and they want you to go drink whiskey with them. Sometimes you can fight them off, sometimes you can't, and sometimes the battle lasts ten phone calls. And thats not even mentioning the times where you are sitting at home and you know there is some whiskey in the fridge and your playing 2K3 and that poor whiskey is all alone in the fridge with no one to talk to except a couple a beers and some rumpleminze. And Rumpyz is so stuck up, and all beer ever wants to talk about is bellys and goggles. Poor whiskey how could I neglect you. Yeah see what I mean, think of the whiskey in your fridge when was the last time you told it you appreciated it. Thats what I thought. Now with all that and the history whiskey and I have it has a pretty potent ability to control my ass. Now what happens when you throw some Johnny Cash, George Jones, Merle Haggard, Waylon Jennings, David Allen Coe, or any of the three Hank Williams into the mess. That whiskey has me locked on. See I am now trying my dangedest to lead a respectable gentlemanly life here, I've actually been going to work sober and on time, not calling in drunk, cutting up my magic wands, eating regularly, holding on to an actual girlfriend, and all the other stuff I used to despise in people. But for the most part it is treating me great except when the power of whiskey compells me to drink whiskey and I wake up at Petrie's house, or run into bar sluts I shouldn't be allowed to talk to especially when they have a history of trying to abduct me from the bar, or any other number of horrible things, take that Grand Forks. You know now that I think of it I could start a pretty good racket with some trustworty people, me, some whiskey, and some really good insurance policies. Even now as I write this it seems like an increaseingly good idea to go get drunk and skip work this afternoon, yo9u know just like "Old Pile" would have. Dirty whiskey damm you and your omnipotent and omnipresent ways if you could only leave a man alone for 40 years and then come back when I am 65 or 70 then I could enjoy my senior years the way most of them should be enjoyed drunk to numb the pain.
Freshman and the Way the Dress
Dirty Dirty Wencherous Whoures, honestly don't kids now a days have any sense or parents. The girls all look like fucking street walkers, and the men are apearantly all members of the biggest rugby side ever. I don't know where abercrombie is but to have seven or eight thousand guys out they are gonna field a pretty awesome side. Or at least they would if every guy on the team wasn't such a limp wristed faggola that it makes McGee look straight. Check that shit out vocab, and two whole articles before my first McGee is gay reference, not bad my never make fun of McGee anymore pledge is going well. Oh yeah back to skanks and fags. So remeber about a year and a half ago when I was almost angry enough to write one of these about the frat boys and their back asswards visors.oooh those little fucks. Yeah well this dirty damm fake rugby jersey shit has gots to end. And I think I have an idea of how to do this, just set up all 10,000 of those little abercrombie/old navy/american eagle fuck faces in a little actual rugby match against oh let's say the assassins (you know the guys from Winnipeg with ROBERT BERNARD on their team). Or even your friendly neighborhood Headhunters (fighting Sioux soccer rules) for that matter and not only would those little peckerwoods be beaten half to death they might just renounce homosexuality and attempt to live a normal life. Or maybe another good way to stop that shit is just tell my Pa that all of those little sissy marys want him to remove their earrings for them. yeah whats up now punks. Yes so we are all in agreement here frat boys and their fake rugby jerseys are a blight on our fair land, but now to my second point the girls of todays freshman classes dress like dirty little whoures. Honestly for the rest of you out there maybe this is good, but for someone like me who recently went from being gay himself to being married it sucks a big fat cock. Yeah all you other old guys know what I'm talking about, you go to the bar and you realize that all the girls in there were 16 the first time you were in a bar. That bites ass, but if you happen to mosey around a college campus lately you'll see that if the bar skanks are all sixteen that makes all the freshman chicks anywhere from 12-14 at the most. My fucking brother in in college now, what the fuck. That means they let him, but not so much as his friends out of high school and out of their parents houses and into our world. Goddammit those little peckers arent fit to be left home alone let alone have homes of their own, just think how dumb we all were as freshman, now multiply that shit by two. scary thought, and the new frosh class has to fight off the affections of these twelve to fourteen year old sluts that are everywhere showing off their titties in those dumb ass one sleeve numbers which cause the baby to break out into masterbation in broad daylight, without even running into a corner. Mother of Pearl.
Well thats about all I have for september, be sure and tune in next month when I shake off some more rust and get off my ass and brrshh some more about shit I hate, and hey even if it isn't as funny as it used to be, just let me know and I'll tell you to fuck off.
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