| 8/6/01 for JM Today I sit, At a table with myself. I came to this table alone. I will leave with no one Except for myself. The sky is pale white. The sky is quite inviting. Invites me to soar away. Invites me to fly. Why can't you follow me? We'll go far away. I have no use for any of the things I believed last week. I'm trying to help people, It's looking bleak. I know someone who Misuses words often. Don't know or care if he, Intends to. If he's inviting me to correct him. Or if he truly, Doesn't try to sound As silly as he sounds... Some times...sometimes...but... Not all of the time. Only sometimes. Usually I'm blown away, By the many things he has to say. I wish...I wish... I had more to say. 8/28/01 October seems like a hulking beast. It will bring both joy and pain. Sorry love can't be revived. Empty promises can't be filled. The joy you think you have, Isn't really your own. The joy you give in person, Can't travel through a phone. ...jumped into something, I never wanted. Now I'm lonely. The joy I had for a few days, Left me with one bad dream. When I fall asleep, Everything suddenly seems Ridiculously sad. 9/9/01 what the hell is wrong with me? i can't let go of things i never really had. i tell people to take care of themselves. i don't take care of myself at all... i've had too much to drink every night for the past week... i eat my ephedrine and my dexatrim... if i can't be beautiful, i might as well be thin. i hate this town i hate being hungry... i wish i knew what could repair me... i ponder things that were said to me... in the course of a few short weeks. i saw the asshole, i knew him last summer he took my swedish fish... he was holding hands with some girl, some girl who lives on state street. he was much nicer to her that day, than he ever was to me. i met someone a month or two ago... that treated me well, he held my hand, in front of his friends. didn't call me a lying slut... never accused me of things i hadn't done. never made me cry. i could have hung around but i stupidly came home. if you could call a place you've lived at for two years your home. it occured to me today that i have no home. no hometown, no old friends. hey...make that no friends... but i don't care i have a lot of pills in my control. |
| 9/12/01 You ask me If I find it cruel That you were kind to me. I thought about it all day I realized that I just take thing In the wrong way. Thought stuff was there for me. When it was actually just there. 9/13/01 Heard, understood, and acknowledged. That's all you had to say. Nothing else. I probably shouldn't be surprised... Should be used to nothing by now. Still, it seems like so little To derive from such a long note.. Or a note that took a long time to write... And still wasn't right... Or at least not how it sounded in my head. If that's all, I guess I'll have to take it At face value, and have another glass of wine. 10/13/01 the view from the bottom may not be impressive, but after you've known it for long enough... you adjust. the view from the bottom isn't what i want to see i want to be on the peak of the mountain looking over this big lie. want to be on the peak with a little time to let my life roll by. want to remember the bottom, and be glad that i made it away... but i feel like the view i'll always have is the same one i have today. yeah, it's nothing, if i have it today. what can i say that will make it clear to you... i can't stop myself, although i try to... i try to...you know that i really try too. i really try...try to hide from the shit that chases me down... as soon as i think i'm near the top... i realize that i've just circled around the bottom... the place that suffocates me... the place that my body can't afford to be.... i can't afford to be losing pieces of my mind each day i can't afford to be feeling, like there's someone here who will stay who will stay and watch out for me... who will stay and take care of me? oh please..someone take care of me... 10/6/01 You can call me lemonade girl. I'm sweet after after a while. But the initial taste is sour..sometimes bitter. I taste familiar to your tongue. I'm basic, so I easliy upset your stomach. I taste pretty good If you give me some liquor. Just a little unpleasant, When you taste the first sip. I tell you this: I'm no bitch. You just gotta know me Know that I'm a lemonade girl. |