| 10/21/00 How hard I�ve tried, For so long to smile. I feel like my mouth, Peels off like velcro, Widens to a false grin� Why can�t I let go Of things she told me, Years ago�seventh grade� Friends and soldiers We once were. He called her a slut. I cried. �I will never forget you.� As she covers my grave. Masks I wore on Halloween� Eggs thrown in her pretty hair. She laughs, I run. �Jolene is afraid, let�s go home.� She kept her candy as it was� Mine changed to what I never wanted. Melted in the hands of time Who said these M&Ms were ever mine. I wonder where she�s living now, I wait on tables�I see how It changes. Soccer players dressed in red, �You were so good in the game.� As if I could forget. I got kicked in the face. Passed out on the field. I wake on the bench, they don�t care. Newspapers with her photograph, �Look, you�re in the background.� I laugh. My bathing suit didn�t flatter me. My skin was to white- they all could see That I didn�t do crunches Like she did� every night. �You�re not perfect. It�s all right.� Little girls with expectations Of prosperity and acceptance. But I didn�t fit in. �I�m sorry I have plans.� I�ve been dealt another empty hand. She flipped her hair, And won. 10/26/00 I don�t want to lose the pieces anymore. Puzzles with holes that widen to gaps and these gaps have always been here. Waiting to be filled with parts of me that disappeared over time. Time has taken it�s toll on me. I�ve wasted time. with things that don�t matter. I want to leave now. �Now then, you�re finally ready.� Perhaps I am not. I try to show myself why the flames feel right. How does he feel now, I hope she�s put him back in his box. He compares me to that little boy. She says she loves me but flies to him on silver wings she moves so quickly� I�ve lost my friend to another. Another who cannot know me�but still tries to bring me down. I miss talking on the phone. She never calls, I�m all alone. Where has mother bear gone? She left a note that didn�t make it clear. She once made brownies and potatoes now she makes him toys. Birds in cages, we all were� Knives in my pockets razors in my shirt cuffs� Cut away pieces of her I once had. Oh pigeon, oh pigeon, where do you go when there is no time to fly from the show? Show me where is mother bear� She may love me, but she no longer cares. |
| 10/6/00 I cannot accept that this world is one stage; I have to escape from these lies I create, Stemming from the blind circumstance In which I exist. Who can I turn to? Who do I believe? For who can I allow myself to not grieve? Who can I solicit for the means to get away? I can�t turn to anyone who thinks I am real. Am I a cartoon? A TV expose? Am I viewed by many every day? Am I a face that everybody knows, Do the things I think I hide really all get shown? I guess I�ll never know unless I go far away, Too some perfect place, where I can stay. I need to get somewhere and what I want is brutal honesty. Somebody, anybody, please help me. 4/8/00 I want to swell up and fall down-- Crumble like a blue wave turning ivory, As it drops back into the sea. --without any sense of irony. 4/6/00 I will park on the beach, With my mother, the sea. The stars in the sky will guard me, From having to lie. My tears will be my bullets, That I load into my gun. Nobody will approach me, Alone in the sand, With waves crashing near. My face melts into the sky, I am not alone anymore, I am rejoicing in my emptiness. The sea can fill me up, But her salts will dry me, Her coral scrapes around inside me. It�s wonderful out here, no one knows me. All there is to know is that I am. I am not alone. I am a grain of sand. I am not invisible, but hard to see, Against the backdrop of the other sand. 9/9/00 That�s a really cool pattern. For a dress, But not a life. Why do these patterns, Continue to emerge. Everyone stops to see what appears, It just walks by, Like you wouldn�t believe. I don�t believe anyone knows me well, I don�t believe anyone hears what I say, I can�t explain stories I tell� AM I A FUCKING MESS? I am a fucking mess. |