Screenplays

CANCEL MY ACCOUNT
INT. OFFICE -- DAY.
Two people, DOUG, a client, and the AGENT, sitting at angles to a desk. Mystical, muted pipe organ music is heard, "Mexican Hat Dance", or something, probably office muzak, but at significant moments it gets louder, even theateningly so.
AGENT
(Looking at computer screen and checking Doug's account)
Good. And ... you're at Willow Street?
DOUG
Yes ...
(Shifting in his chair)
It doesn't work. I don't need something that doesn't work. I need it ....to work. I don't need something that doesn't work. ... Nobody can use a product that does not ... function. Do they? Do your other customers ...
AGENT
Clients, we have. There was a lot of discussion about the term earlier. Oh, we refer to you guys as "our people". Anyone who signs on with us is "one of the family". And we back that up!! Now your warranty is really good for as long as you well, possess the product.
DOUG
... Really? You mean ... forever ?
AGENT
Yes, as long as, yes. In this life.
DOUG
And after I'm gone?
AGENT
The warranty will still be in force.
DOUG
That's quite impressive, but --
AGENT
Uh huh. Okay. So, you were looking at -- ?
DOUG
Closing the account, actually.
AGENT
Did you want to change its setup?
DOUG
No --
AGENT
-- Or, a lot of people like the enhanced model.
DOUG
No, I --
AGENT
-- You can convert into an enhanced account. We could do that from here.
DOUG
No, I just want to cancel the account and return the, get out of the whole thing. I don't need it any more.
AGENT
Do you want another account?
DOUG
No, I want to cancel this one.
AGENT
I mean, I'm just looking at the history here, it's in good shape, lot of activity!
DOUG
I want to cancel it!
AGENT
Okay, what I'd like to do is find out from you where you think there's some issue.
DOUG
What I'd like? --
AGENT
-- If --
DOUG
-- I'd like to close the account.
AGENT
If I had some better idea -- wherein lies the --?
DOUG
But what I want -- what I actually want -- is to close the account.
AGENT
Okay, I'm hearing some resistance here, or maybe there's some other --
DOUG
But can I close the account?
AGENT
Oh. Do you see yourself as somehow above all this?
DOUG
No, I'm just not part of it any more. I want to close the account.
AGENT
Well, surely, the important thing is always -- what do you want? What sort of long-term areas are you looking at, that kind of thing. I mean, tomorrow, or today, we could look at a whole, exciting new set of things to do with accessing your account. I mean, there's so many wonderful ways of looking at it. It's a remarkable story, really, the whole history.
(Pause)
Like, do you remember, when was it? Ah, September of last year? We had quite a --
DOUG
Close the account. Really. I'm not interested in old history.
AGENT
No, Doug. It's not that easy.
DOUG
Just close it? Please?
AGENT
Why would you want to break off a relationship that, from this, looks like it was mutually beneficial. No, I'm just trying to understand this.
DOUG
I just don't need the service any more.
AGENT
Okay! Why do you say that?
DOUG
Because, I just don't need the service any more.
AGENT
I'm essentially calling on you to re-examine not just this, that's ... nothing, but everything you've done. I'm calling on you to -- merely -- re-evaluate your life. What do I keep? What can I discard? Where am I going with all this? Do I see myself with this account, or what? You know -- what are we doing here? And that's what you're doing, of course. It's difficult, and people can get hurt, but above all, I guess I'm saying, you need to find out what you want. Don't, you know, worry about what other people want. What your friends say.
DOUG
Well, what I want to do is --
AGENT
Yeah?
There is a long pause as the two tire of each other and Doug looks more and more upset at last.
DOUG
-- Close the account. I just don't need the service any more. I'm sorry.
He gets up to leave.
AGENT
You know what I think, Doug? I think your pretensions are just killing the businesss.
EXT. OFFICE. HALLWAY.
Doug leaves, goes into the halleway, asks for directions, turns around, bravely smiling though tears. Down the hall, last door.
FADE OUT

AT THE LAWYER'S
INT. OFFICE -- DAY.
Two people, a WOMAN and MAN, sitting at angles to a desk, behind the desk another man, the LAWYER, standing. )
MAN
God! God Almighty!
LAWYER
Anyway. Let's just think about this. Be back in a sec.
Lawyer leaves the room briefly, leaving the door open. Long silence.
WOMAN
What are you going to do about all the flies?
MAN
Just waiting to see how it's going to develop.
WOMAN
It's the garbage under the sink that's causing it.
MAN
Hmm.
WOMAN
You should get rid of the garbage. That's what's causing the flies.
MAN
The idea is to draw them in first, find out what they're after, and where they are. Then take action. What I'm going to do is make this fly trap. It's really simple. You take an empty drink bottle, one of those plastic ones, you know. Then you cut the top off, about this much. And then you take the - of course, you take the cap off, unscrew it, throw it away - then you turn the top part upside down and stick into the bottle that way. So it's like a funnel. And you put some water, vinegar, sugar, maybe some rotten fruit or something - and the flies go in and they can't get out. It's a good idea. I saw it on a poster, a picture of it.
WOMAN
I think your fly trap will just cause more flies. It'll attract flies and they'll start multiplying.
MAN
... Okay, do you have any idea how crazy you're sounding right now? I mean, you're sounding like some kind of real nut, a conspiracy freak.
Lawyer re-enters, carrying a coffee and a sheaf of papers.
LAWYER
Well!
(He sits down at his desk)
You're sure you won't have anything? No?
WOMAN
No. Thanks.
LAWYER
(Looking at papers he has brought)
This is really good. I've been making copies of some of my poems. To send to people. (Silence. Lawyer continues, looking through his poems meanwhile)
So, there's a lot of work yet, it's by no means the end of the process.
(To the other two)
Now all your financial records - I've only had a chance to look at them, but, they are complete, right?
WOMAN
Oh yes.
LAWYER
There's no - this is all the property you have? You don't own any land or anything?
WOMAN
Gee, I think.
(To Man)
You don't happen to own a house or something that we forgot about?
MAN
No.
WOMAN
(To Lawyer)
That is everything.
LAWYER
Well. 'Kay. Good.
WOMAN
So, in effect, this is all pretty much over. You're saying we can't even defend ourselves.
LAWYER
No, I -
WOMAN
- At least, not until all these motions andd things go through. And even then, what do we do?
LAWYER
Like I said, it's quite possible they'll want to settle. I think that's likely, even. Just because of the time factor involved. Because, between you and me, it's not that big a case, for them. The longer it goes on, the less good it is for anyone. So, again, I want to see what they're going to come up with, and, hopefully, it's something we can all live with. But - we have to wait.
WOMAN
I see. Well, that's what we thought.
LAWYER
Oh yes! .... Excuse me a moment?
Lawyer gets up to leave again, carrying his coffee.
LAWYER
Oh. Do you want anything? Coffee?
The other two shake their heads.
MAN
I was wondering what they make catfood out of, in the gocery store, you know. All different brands. Funny thing is, the more expensive kinds taste worse than the cheaper kinds. True. Weird, eh? The fancy stuff - man, I wouldn't touch it if I was starving, but the plain old cheap stuff isn't too bad. Especially the chicken.
WOMAN
Yeah. We tried that. It's false economy.
MAN
Well, it's full of water and ground up rice and stuff. So I was thinking, you could make a pate really easily -
WOMAN
Not out of catfood!?!
MAN
No, just the same principle. You get all kinds of cheap meat - organ meat, kidney, heart, tripe - it's real cheap, people don't like it. But you grind it up with somne onion, maybe onion powder, to make it stick together. Add a bunch of spices - cilantro, tarragon.
WOMAN
I don't like tarragon. Remember that omelette you made?
MAN
Too strong, yeah. But in chopped organ meat it would be good. Just the right, you know, spark. So you make this pate and sell it for a good price. You know, you'd put it in a tiny leetle container, like it was caviar or something. Seven, eight bucks a pop. And there's like ten cents' worth of stuff in there.
WOMAN
But you have to put what the ingredients are. And people here aren't going to want to eat cows' viscera.
MAN
No, wrong, you do have to be inspected, and you have to label your product accurately. But you don't have to be specific. It's just, "beef". You just say, "beef product".
WOMAN
You'd get into trouble. You can't mislead people, sell them intestines and gizzards. That's illegal.
MAN
No. It's perfectly legal! It's just unappetizing. So you say, "beef product". And the thing is, if you stick to beef, it looks good. So you don't have to say, "may contain pork or chicken", that puts people off. You'd be amazed -
LAWYER
(Enters with a fresh coffee)
Well, I've talked to Bram over at Pratt & Whitney. And it looks okay. We're gonna have to wait until Monday. But. So, I'll talk to them, and then call you then, and we should know what we're doing midweek. Okay?
(Man and woman get up, take leave of the lawyer, go into passage)
WOMAN
So, we were saying, if it's okay for me to stay another week or two? And move some of my stuff in?
MAN
Oh yeah. There's plenty room.
WOMAN
And -
MAN
What? What?
WOMAN
- Nothing.
(Pausee)
I mean, this is just temporary, a few weeks. I'm not -
MAN
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're not coming back.
WOMAN
Just so we're clear.
MAN
I wouldn't want you back anyway. Enough trouble as it is... Just kidding.
WOMAN
Thanks, anyway. It's just be for a week or whatever. It's nice of you to do this.
MAN
Yeah.
(pause)
I've just had another idea.

GENERAL